there are lots of things I would like to learn that are fun. But I have some contingent problems right now such as deadlines and finding a house and money...i don't know..it seems that everything is falling apart..that being with H kept things in order...
it is very scary
blessing

We don't know if there is hope. We can only work on ourselves to be the best we can be. It is up to us to DECIDE what we want not based on the feelings of some alien.

Atena you can do this.

thank you. I am stuck on a bad pattern.Sometimes thinking of H gives me comfort as it is familiar. But it is really sick.
blessing

The best part of MB is that we get it. So many others have gone through what you are feeling. You are not alone here.

When your family just wants you to "move on" (hate that term), friends just want you to drown away your sorrows or there is no one else...I post I post I post.

I have some MB friends that become closer to me than my own family that I call first.

There is support here. Blessings to you.

Yes, MB is great. It is really a support because you truly see how many people are in the same situation and how cookie cutter the WS act. It seems that from the cookie cutter way they act there must be pretty much a cookie cutter outcome for them...
blessing

It is a good idea to get up go to another room and write down what is going through your mind. Oftentimes it is not much and you can then go back to bed.

I tried this but it backfired on me. I had a journal book and then it would turn into a novel (depending on my mood -- murder, romance, sci-fi about the A). Those few minutes turn into daybreak. Hope it works better for you!

yeah, I kept a journal during my H first A, I do not seem to be able to on this one...I will try
blessing

atena, I am in the same boat as you....somehow we will get through it, we just have to right?

I need your advice on this.
I have friends, H and W who are very supportive of me. Today I moved for the 6th time and the H helped me with that and his W made me a nice birthday lunch and gave me a gift. She can't stand my WH and wants nothing to do with him (he was friends with them as i am). However the H is friends with my H and sees him for lunch and beers. He says he does not condemn what my WH did and that sometimes people have to resort to extreme measures to end their unhapiness in a M....
His words are scary, but he is very supportive and nice and seems to want to stay friends with both me and WH.
What should I do? I do not want to lose their friendship, but I do not like the fact that he condones my WH behaviour.

blessing

UGGGGGGHHH! How about if you just tell him your feelings like "If someone is unhappy in their M then how about telling their spouse and trying to fix it or DIVORCE them...Cheating and lying are NEVER the answer. Its childish and selfish and very hurtful to the BS." Maybe if you let him know that this has been extremely painful and damaging to have someone you trust go behind your back instead of respecting you as a spouse and telling you they are unhappy.

Maybe then if he can see your side too, it will make you feel better...I had family friends say the same thing and once I explained the humiliation and pain WH had caused me, they understood..."extreme measures" my a$$!!!!..... Sorry I got a little carried away.

Atena, there are going to be a lot of people who will say stupid azz crap like this to you all of the time. It is hard to tell them any different. They don't understand.

I think that the best course of action for you would be to tell this friend that you value your friendship with him and his wife and that you don't want him to pick between your WH and yourself. You should let him know that it is extremely hurtful to you to hear these types of comments. I would also let him know that you do not want to talk about your WH. You are in a dark Plan B and you should not even know that you WH has lunch with this man.

Atena,

That statement your "friend" said is very troubling. When I hear statements like this I think that is leaving a door open for an A in his own home.

If it walks like a duck...

Hope your friend watches her back.

Just my own 2 cents

Yes, I am always weary of people who are friends with my H knowing what he did. BUT my WH is very good at spinning his own story so who knows what he tells them...
However, not matter what he tells them they can see the pain and the trouble I have been in having changed houses 6 times in 9 months. If they can't see the damage right there, then they are in a stupor and in potential danger of having a A.
Thank you!
You are right...I do not want to know what H is up to.
blessing

Very true Hope. But no one can ever really know the hurt and destruction until it happens to them. Before it happened to me, I would see it and think it was wrong, but it sure didn't hit me like it does now. These days, my heart aches terribly everytime I hear of one. That is why it is so hard to be on this board sometimes. I hurt for each and every person on here. UGH

Chai so true until you experience this no one understands how much it hits you in the gut and knocks you over. Even my film choices have changed. There was a time one of my favorite films was "Same Time Next Year", (Alan Alda and Ellen Burysten), which is based on a yearly A.

It recently was on television late one night and I watched it and was in tears. When you hear how they talk about their spouses and all he wayward garbage it made me almost physically ill. It upset me that Alan's wife died knowing about the A all those years. Just a film but I will never watch it again.

Atena, sorry for the T/J. Just watch your back with your friend's H. Don't be surprised if he starts spewing wayward garbage.

If I had to move 6x in 9 months I would be over the edge. Why do you have to keep moving if you don't mind me asking?

I have to keep moving because OW is the downstairs neighbor. I tried to live in our flat the first 3 weeks of our separation but it was impossible. I would meet OW on the stairs several times a day and she would say HI. I would see her getting ready to go to see my H in his new love shack. She would carry stuff that was obviously his. It was unbearable. Plus the walls of the apartment building are so thin that I could hear her screaming kids every night.
I really do not know what to do as I will be homeless again in July. Funds are running low as I have to pay half of the mortgage and rent wherever I go.
Not having a place is the hardest of this all deal. My stuff is all over and I feel up-rooted.
It is also nerve wracking how this friend takes things lightly and expects me to be upbeat.
I like his wife a lot, ut he is a real jerk, even if he tries to be helpful, I can tell he sides with my H.
blessing

atena, I am sorry. Is there anyway your WH can move back into the house and you move into another place. Why should you be inconvienced while he is wayward? Can you get OW thrown out. I know getting a D is tougher in the country you are in and it might be frowned upon. is OW renting there? Complain about the noise, complain about the situation -- expose it in your building.

Your friend has no clue on your situation. Unless she walks the walk she will be clueless. I would get legal advice and ask that your H caused this situation he should be responsible for all of the mortgage.

Just some thoughts.

It was my mistake as H was living in the apartment when we initially separated (when i found out about the A I moved ot friends) but after a few weeks my friends and others started telling me that since he was the one having the A he should move and i should have the right to be in my home. SO i asked H to move and he did, but at that point, after 3 weeks of agony i realized i could not live there.
OW is totally exposed to the whole neighborhood. she does not care. She owns the place.
I plan to ask WH to move back in in Sept or to start making plans for renting the place.
I talked to a lawyer a while back but here we need to be legally separated for 3 years to obain a D and only a D can enforce H to do xy and z.
blessing

Your OW has big ones for sure. Having the neighborhood know, having kids and still living there takes big ones for sure.

Tell your WH NOW that starting August 1, the house needs to be rented. You can no longer afford paying a rent and mortgage. If he choses to move back he needs to pay the whole mortgage based on the circumstances. Have an attorney draw this up and have it notarized.

I wish they had 3 years legal seperation in my state. Great way for these A to die out.

Take care of yourself Atena. You have God's grace.