Thanks for the update writer--you've been in my thoughts a lot lately. Glad your son gets Grad Night.
Reinforces the old saying: you get what you pay for!

I had a little sleep and am feeling better this morning. I just haven't been sleeping well at all.

DS 18 will be completely finished with high school as soon as he completes his last two take-home finals, which are due Tuesday. He's quite excited that he gets to go to grad night, since it is at Disneyland. I'm glad he gets to do that at least, since he's missed out on everything else his senior year. On Thursday, which would have been his graduation day, we're either a) taking the family out to dinner if we can afford it or b) having a BBQ at the house and making steak kabobs if we can't and then he'll be off to grad night, which will be the first time he's seen many of his friends in 2 months.

We go back to court for some kind of pre-trial hearing on June 8. Not sure what's going to happen there, but I feel a little better now knowing that at least we have someone who is representing us and looking out for our best interests.

We're looking at a military-run program in Orange County for DS15. It is through the National Guard and is a 5 month residential program that is completely FREE (!!!!). He would go to school on the base and participate in community events, job training, physical activities, etc. It seems like a really great program and he's super excited about it. Of course, we don't know if he'll get accepted yet. It's for at-risk youth, but there are only enough slots for about half the applications they get. If he doesn't make it into the July class, we can try again for January, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. The application process is extremely involved and he has an interview in a week and a half.

DS 20 is still staying with us and still giving grief if I ask him to stay with DS 18 so my H and I can have some UA time. We've talked to him about it, but it doesn't seem to do much good. He's looking at apartments and contemplating starting an 18-month degree in recording arts at a school in L.A. in August, but right now, we're still supporting him and housing him, so I gently remind him of that every time he rolls his eyes when I need him to do something for us.

DD 19 will be leaving for Alaska in two weeks. She'll be gone all summer working at a resort in Denali National Park for Princess cruises. I'm really going to miss her.

My mom is in a convalescent home recuperating from her surgery. She's working with a physical therapist daily. The cast will be on for another 5 - 7 weeks, and we're not sure when she'll be able to come home. I've been to see her twice. I wish she was closer so I could go more often, but she seems to be doing well.

It's busy, busy, busy here. I'm not getting anywhere near enough writing done, but hopefully things will calm down sometime and life will settle into something more close to normal again. For now, I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Glad to hear you have had a few positive things happening. I really like the sound of that at-risk-youth program for your DS15! Try to have a nice weekend!

Next court date is July 8 for pre-trial hearing. Tentative trial date is July 29, though the lawyer says it isn't a done deal that this will go to trial yet. It all depends on what his investigation over the next month turns up. It's such a wait and see game, and I am not a patient person.

Things in my M have not been good lately. Last night, my H and DS 18 got into a violent fight that ended with DS 18 walking out in the middle of the night and H taking off in the car. DS 20 was able to find DS 18 and bring him home before he got caught violating his home supervision order. H spent the night at his parents house I think. He called me on his cell phone while he was driving around and we argued until 1:30 in the morning. He kept hanging up on me and calling back. He emailed me this morning, but I don't know if he's at work or still at his parents' house or what, since he didn't say where he was. I'm so very tired.

My H has had these angry, violent outbursts for our entire M. They don't happen all the time, but they do happen. He's never hit me (though he has gotten in my face, screaming and out of control, and restrained me in a painful way to keep me from escaping). I know he's hit and violently shoved the kids. He gets angry sometimes and he completely loses control. Last night, the incident started right in front of the baby. Instead of staying and trying to break it up like I usually do, I just grabbed the baby and took her downstairs as fast as I could. We could still hear the screaming and scuffling. The incident probably blew up more than it would have since I didn't stay around to diffuse it, but I just can't expose the baby to that kind of thing anymore. I read her a book and played with her in my room and then after they'd both taken off, I took her upstairs and put her to bed. It took me 45 minutes to finally get her calmed down enough to go to sleep. She didn't get into bed until 11:30.

I'm so tired. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. After my A, I stayed because my H honestly seemed to want to change, but nothing has changed. There's still the yelling, the arguing, the terrible uncontrolled outbursts. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want a peaceful, normal, happy life. Is that too much to ask?

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. None of this makes sense. I simply don't know what to do. How do I stop the craziness that seems to be erupting every where around me?

writer...I don't know the whole story. I just wanted to pop in and lend a cyber hug ((writer)) and remind you that you are only one person and can only reasonably do so much. The rest you are going to have to somehow let go of. I know that's hard.

How are the summer plans for your kids going? Has your daughter left yet? How about your youngest son? Did he get into the program you were talking about?

I can remember years ago feeling horribly overwhelmed and feeling like a horrible and incompetent mother. I finally sat down and wrote down what things about motherhood that made me feel the most fulfilled. I can remember one of them was making sure my kids were read to daily. Another might have been sitting them down to do some sort of art project?

Since your kids are older, maybe a sit down meal as a family. Maybe taking 10 or 15 minutes a day with each child alone, talking? What would make you feel better as a mother that you can reasonably do? Figure it out, and do start doing it.

Your husband is an adult. How he reacts is not in your control. Do you have health insurance? Would it be possible to ask him to get some anger management therapy/classes in? Maybe this was all covered in your thread earlier. If so, I apologize and no need to explain again. If you were to approach him from a concerned standpoint, do you think he would get angrier?

Honey, I'm so worried about your level of anxiety and blood pressure. How do you feel about taking a brisk walk each night after supper to blow off some of the negativity? If I checked out some books about anger from the library, would you consider reading them for me?

Writer...have you looked at the notable posts? I believe there may be a title or two of books about anger there...

Hang in there. This time next year, even 6 months from now, your life will be considerably different - hopefully drastically improved and more peaceful. Life never stays the same for long, that's for sure. Stay strong.

Not sure if you're a praying person, but if you are, you can make a list of all your worries and the people you're worried about. Take 10 or 15 minutes in the early morning to pray. Sometimes that's all we can do. I once read about a woman who used visual therapy when she prayed. She actually pictured herself carrying her family members, one by one, and laying them at the foot of the cross, along with her worries for each one, asking God to 'take over' so to speak. Might help you too.

Sorry to hear about the altercation, writer. It's probably like a powderkeg in your house, with you and H being forced to spend every waking hour with DS18.
Do you think the fighting is because your H is not DS's biological dad, or are they fighting like a typical dad and son? Also, this was the first I had heard of your H's propensity to be violent, including physically with the kids. Just curious--if he knows that striking you is a boundary he shouldn't cross, why would it occur to him that striking a child is somehow more acceptable? It's assault.
And right now, with your son's legal troubles, H needs to cool it or stay out of the house. It's a shame your MIL won't help out, but maybe it would be a good idea to give H some cooling-off space.
((writer))

He doesn't have these outbursts often. But they've even happened with DS 16, who is his biological son, so I don't think it has anything to do with biology. He just loses his temper sometimes and gets out of control. Stress is definitely a factor. It happened once way back when we were living with my mother early in our M. H had a huge blowout with my mother and grandmother that involved lots of screaming and some pushing, but no hitting (though there were threats of getting the police involved and we ended up staying at his mother's place for 3 weeks before everyone cooled off enough for us to go back to my mom's). He's never hit my DD or me or the baby (I would kill him if he hit the baby). It's just the boys he seems to get into these altercations with, so I'm guessing it's some sort of male testosterone thing. We have had some fights too, and there are times when I've been afraid. My H is 6'1'' and 200 lbs, and he's much, much bigger than I am, so it is scary to have someone that size get up in your face and yell and scream at you, even though he's never hit me.

He's said he's willing to go to anger management, but he's said that before, and it never happens. It blows over and things are okay for awhile until the next time. I'm so tired of walking around on eggshells wondering when the next blowup might occur and trying to figure out how to keep things from escalating to that point.

We're still waiting to hear about the program for DS 16. They will be making calls for the next two weeks, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. DD leaves for Alaska on Wednesday morning. DS 20 has applied to a music school in Los Angeles but is awaiting news of financial aid.

Maybe you should ask him the question I asked about boundaries:
Why is it acceptable to hit DS's when it's unacceptable to hit anyone else? Why is it somehow NOT assault?

I would follow through on the anger management too, writer. Ask him how he would feel if you made an appointment for him. Tell him you need the home to be a haven, not a battle field, for everyone involved - and you need him to be the protector in the family from anything that makes anyone in the home feel unsafe, including his own anger.

Remind him that the boys are at an influential age and are watching his coping strategies and look up to him.

Ask him to go for a brisk walk when he begins to feel bored or frustrated. I think boredom can lead to a lot of negative feelings.

It may be time to consider family counseling as well. Your family is going through some extraordinarily stressful events. You could use the support of someone who does not have an emotional stake in the relationships. Someone who can give you a neutral view of your family, from the outside, along with some sound advice.

I think my H knows it's wrong to hit anyone. He loses his temper and then he loses control and does things he wouldn't normally do. Maybe, with the boys, he sees it more as two men fighting, which is more socially acceptable than a man striking a woman. Of course, DS 18 is 5'5" and 100 lbs. soaking wet, so I'd hardly call that a fair fight. He didn't get hurt though. My H has never hurt any of the kids. He has enough restraint at least to realize his own size and strength, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

I honestly don't understand it. I'm not a violent person. I've never resorted to physical violence. I get mad. I yell and scream and occasionally curse in a manner that would make a sailor blush if I'm really angry, but I don't hit. Maybe that's because I'm a woman and not particularly big or strong, so physical violence would be counterproductive, since I would likely end up getting hurt. I think men in general tend to see violence as an acceptable way to solve a dispute more so than women. Not all men, of course, but some.

We need to do something about this. This isn't an acceptable way for anyone to act. I need my H to be an adult and control his own behavior and learn to deal with his anger in more constructive ways. I'm going to try to find some books and I'm going to insist on the anger management classes if he wants to continue to live in this house. I'm not going to have my family exposed to this any longer. I've looked the other way and put up with it for far too long.

Good for you, writer. Stick to your guns. You have to be the rock in the family for your kids, and this is what they need. Your home needs to be a place where they feel safe. You can do this.

Tell him you love him. Tell him you have a lot of faith in him and know he can be a good man and a great dad, and this is what will help...

I am sorry, I feel like I am grunching this thread. I also am not speaking from any MB perspective so take my opinion for what it is worth.

These physical acts against your children are never acceptable. A husband physically restraining his wife and screaming out of control. Hit and shoved teenage and adult boys. Please get a restraining order ASAP, before your husband does permanent harm to either yourself or your kids. Please seek a shelter if you can not afford to live on your own. He may be in "control today", but if he ever losses "control" we can not email you at the morgue. This is serious, do not let someone abuse yourself or your family. Do not allow your husband to abuse your family, nor be a enabler in abusing your children.

writer - I'm here again to support the above post. If there is any threat of violence to you or your children, you should seriously consider what Dr. H says about it. Hit the search function and type in the word 'abuse' and you'll eventually come across what Dr. H prescribes.

I think it's good to support your husband to get the help, but if you have any reason to be frightened for yourself or your kids, I would ask him to stay somewhere else and not to come back until he's gotten the therapy.

Straight from the doctor's mouth:

Throughout my career as a marriage counselor, I have done whatever I can to save marriages, but when it comes to domestic violence I draw the line. Unless a spouse can guarantee the other's safety from their own anger, I don't believe they should live with each other.

Hi Writer,

I am sorry you are still having such a hard time. When stress just doesn't seem to end....I know it's exhausting.

I do not have rages anymore now that my BP is treated, and I never hurt the kids, but I would rage at DH. When that ball of anger would just start growing and growing...I became another person. I wish I could go back and undo all of that. But one thing that DH did and does if I ever seem headed that way now is to draw a line in the sand. He doesn't engage -- at all. He says he will not talk about X right now and he leaves the room. If I try to follow him (which I no longer do), he sends the kids to their room and he locks our bedroom door. I could yell and scream and pound and throw dishes if I wanted, but he will not respond. At first it made me crazy...I had nowhere to vent my anger. So guess what?? I had to CONTROL it. It has been years since I had any kind of outburst. If I feel that trapped kind of feeling, I tell him, and I either go do something or take a nap or take a shower and cry.

That old idea of "letting all the anger out" is one of the dumbest ideas psychology ever came up with. Anger just begets more anger. Can you do what my DH did/does? It made me madder at first, but it worked because it placed all that emotion back on ME.

I do not believe that my H poses a danger to me or my kids. If I did, he wouldn't be here. As I said before, he's never actually physically harmed anyone. Maybe a bruise or some red marks here and there, but that's it. Mostly, his outbursts are verbal in nature with some pushing and shoving and smacking. As far as I know, there aren't punches being thrown. I can't say that for sure, since the altercation last night started in the living room and then moved to our son's room, and I wasn't present for most of it, since I was in our bedroom with the baby, but physically my son seems fine today. So, even when my H has these outbursts, there is a certain amount of self control involved that keeps him from becoming all-out physically violent.

I do try to separate myself and get away as much as I can, but I can only do so much. Last night, I chose to remove the baby from the situation as quickly as possible, which pretty much meant leaving DS 18 to fend for himself. The fight wasn't one-sided. DS 18 was yelling and screaming and pushing right back. But the baby is small, and for me, my number one priority was trying to shield her from the fight as much as possible. And honestly, I didn't really want to get in the middle of two grown men who were pushing each other around and screaming at each other because they're both quite a bit stronger than I am and I don't think anything good would have come of that.

After my H left, he called me repeatedly, and I told him over and over again that it was late and I didn't want to discuss this right then when we were both worked-up and upset and tired. When he gets like that, he doesn't usually respect my wishes to postpone discussing the issue until he's calmed down. He pushes and pushes and usually says a lot of things he regrets 100% the next day. He emailed me this morning, and true to form, apologized for almost everything he did and said last night. I knew that would happen, which is why I didn't want to talk to him. I suppose I could have just turned off the phone, but it was the middle of the night and he was very upset and driving around and I was worried about him. I didn't want anything to happen to him.

I'm not sure what causes these rages. Most of the time, he is a very docile, laid-back, easy-going kind of guy. It's kind of like he turns into the Incredible Hulk when he gets angry (though obviously not to that extreme). I think he may have ADHD, though he's never been diagnosed. Our DS 16 has very extreme ADHD and my H has recently been in contact with his bio dad after many years of no communication and learned that he has it as well. There are a lot of symptoms in my H that fit, especially descriptions from my MIL of how my H was as a child/teen. I don't know if that's related to his current issues though.

This paragraph above can be written by many victims in domestic abuse shelters.


YOu were protecting the one who needed protecting, but you shouldn't have stopped there.



This is the abuse pattern. It is almost text book.


Everything in your life is out of control.

It is the lifestyle that has been chosen for all of you. It has worked for so long. And NOW, the fruits of that lifestyle are coming home to roost.

Stop enabling bad behavior. Stop enabling abuse. Draw the line on your Husband. Anger Management classes or move out.
Draw the line on DS20. Straighten up, or move out.

And if you say you are going to do something. DO IT. DS20 in mouthy? Tell him that is unacceptable, and wait for an apology. Start acting like the adult.

This may sound harsh to you, but you have to stop looking at your lifestyle as being appropriate. It is a madhouse.

Sorry. If you were to read what you just posted and it had been put up there by someone else, you would be appalled.

LG

I agree with others...you have been in this situation so long you think it is normal. You don't want to expose the baby to these outbursts...why would you want the older kids to see it?



If you had a daughter and her boyfriend was doing this, would you counsel her to stay with him? If you were meeting a new man for the first time and he did this, would you have a second date?

You have asked him to go to anger management and he hasn't. You know what? You can't make him. But you know what you can control? Your reaction to that. You can say that you don't want to live with a man with this behavior who is not getting help for it. And then you leave or you ask him to leave. You are teaching your older kids that this behavior is okay by not standing up to it. If you are afraid to stand up to it, then contact your local domestic violence shelter for help. You may say "but it isn't that bad"...I bet alot of women said that before things got worse. Don't let them get worse.

Here is a website to check out:
http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

Writer, when I first "met" you on MB, I recall you speaking very glowingly about your H. You mentioned a long pattern of selecting poor partners and said that the bio-dads for the other kids were pretty much jerks.
And then you find your DH, and everything is wonderful. He accepts your children from other relationships, and goes on to have bio-children with you. Then, he even accepts that you have a child as a result of an affair. Wow! This guy must be a saint, I'm thinking.
All along, I'm wondering what's in it for him? Why stay when there are so many unresolved issues, so much baggage? In fact, although writer is clearly a charming and special woman, knowing most men in my life, I wonder how she was able to meet Mr. Perfect despite all the difficulties of her past life.
Well, now, the picture is coming into focus. He's a closet abuser. And has been all along. Writer just hadn't felt the need to divulge that. But now, because of the issue with DS18, all the cracks are showing. This isn't an issue about you and H needing more UA or meeting ENs.
YOU CAN'T REASON WITH AN ABUSER.
In some ways, your life has some parallels with SisterReed. She feels guilty about her "affair," and allows her H to abuse her as a result.
DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO GROW UP THINKING THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR SPOUSE?
Time to draw the line in the sand. Counseling. This must NEVER happen again.

Yesterday, he contacted someone about anger management classes through the employee assistance program at his work. I told him last night that I am not going to live like this anymore and I will not have our kids exposed to these outbursts again. I think it's a good sign that he made the call. He's never done that before. It was after hours when he called, so he's calling again today at his lunch break. I'm not exactly sure what's involved with anger management, but when we talked last night, he did seem very motivated in his desire to find a new way to deal with his anger issues.

Ima: I think we posted simultaneously. My H is a good person. He has a lot of good qualities. He definitely isn't a saint. We have had our problems, and I've discussed some of them on here before. My H was in a long term EA with his ex-girlfriend that began a week after our wedding and lasted (off and on) for the next 10 years. Basically, he married me, even though he knew he still had feelings for her, and for a very long time managed to convince me that we could all be friends (even though they were much more than friends and I simply didn't realize it). So, I don't think I was dishonest about my H's shortcomings.

I didn't bring up the angry outbursts because he hadn't had one in a long time. The last one that I can remember was during the early days of my A, and considering everything that was going on at the time, I pretty much figured I deserved that one. But since the problems started with DS 18, things have been very tense and stressful. My H has had two of these episodes in the past several months (one with DS 18 and one with DS 16, though the first one with DS 16 wasn't nearly as bad). There has been lots of yelling and screaming, but only two incidents that were physical.

My H made a lot of changes after my A. I honestly thought these things were behind us, but the stress of the situation with DS 18 seems to be bringing up some old issues that we apparently never properly dealt with before. I do want to deal with them now, and my H seems to be on board with that.