over the past two months i've been wondering about my marriage. we've been married for about a year and half, after the months i've accumalated alot of frustrations. i'm the type of person who cant verbalize how they feel. i always forget something. my wife is a beautiful woman older woman (25), i know she loves me, i can see it in her eyes still. anyway, heres what has been happening lately:


like i said, for 2 months i've been thinking of my marriage and how i want to go about it. so i figured i type a rough draft about how i feel. as usual everything wasnt there but most of it was. in shorts words, it was saying i felt alone and some things didnt seem right and i didnt like how she did somethings. there was alot and i really cant remember anything now.

so i sent the letter to a friend first to get what her thoughts were. now that i think bout it, she was the wrong person to send it to. a unmarried woman whom is a ex but good friend. the wife found the letter (i typed it on a PDA).

that night she had thoughts of living me. id ont know why, i didnt do anything wrong. sending the letter to the wrong person i understand but i did nothing else. i wanted to have everything together before i said anything to her. i spent the next night over a friends house to let her think things over. the next day i came home and we talked things over and everything was great. then we enjoy one of life joys, make up sex.

a week goes by, i used the cpu for a moment and then i left because i had some car work to be done. she comes outside out of nowhere and questions me about a girl i was talking to online. i lied to every question althought i know she knew she knew the answers. i felt really low at that moment, wondering what have i done. the online woman was suppose to be a little support because she going thru a divorce right now. we get along great, have this sexual chemistry that me and wife dont share, i dont think we ever had a chemistry like this. before my wife found out about the girl, i was suppose to meet the girl the week prior, but i didnt because it didn't feel right.

since that night, i've been spending my time in the living room. we've had multiple conversations about our marriage and came to conclusion that maybe we should be separated to think things thru. a few days went past and things was gettin a little bit better, i continued talking to the online woman, now we talk on the phone and send texts thru-out the day until i have to go home. my marriage was getting better day by day. we were talking more, she let me hold her, we kissed. she asked if we could start over and start dating again. i was fine with it, finally a chance to make things right.

another week later,still separated, my wife calls me at work and i foolishly tell a female co worker to say hello on the phone. my wife was calling to ask me to go out with her, but instead she goes on a date with another man. i had no problem with it because we discussed that we could/should dat other people. her date lasted until 5am. i was up on the phone talking to my other woman until 2am. i've never asked about my wife's date because she just isnt talking to me anymore. she just says what she has to. i've been putting her thru so much this month and i'm wondering why i keep messing up. i cant believe these things have been happening. i know it's my fault, but i just want to make things better.

last night, i went to meet the online woman. it was odd because she made me feel wanted, a feeling i havent had in a long time. things could of went to a whole another level but i didnt. i held her off, as hard as that was. i wanted to but i just couldnt do that to my wife, even if we're separated. i think we've grown a little close to each other, but she draws a line because she doesnt want a relationship due to the last few ones she had. i must admit ihave some feelins for her, its not even a lust thing, just a sucker for love.


during all of this, i've been wondering if this was the right choice for me. did i get married too early? could i love my wife's rights and wrong for the rest of our lives? she does things that i make me wonder if shes the one still. i feel like i'm at a crossroads here, i want to continue my marriage but theni dont. i've been thinking about this very hard (almost all day) since we separated. the way my wife is handling this makes me wonder. she says shes helping me, i dont really see it. telling me you want your space and i need to be on my own makes me think its over. i just dont know what to think anymore. i dont want to make a decision and then regret not doing the other.

she cant say that i'm not trying, i just got the love busters book. i've been reading from this site for over a month. doing research on marriages and how to solve these issues. i dont want her to have too much space because i want to still feel close to her. although we're seaparated and still living together (i kno its odd, finicial issues).

i'm just looking for somebody who is or has gone thru anything similar to this. i dont want a answer, just some help. i dont know what to think about this anymore.

well thanks for reading my first post and thank you for any insight you might bring.

Brandon [color:"blue"] [/color]

Hi Brandon. Welcome to marriage builders. I wish I had all the answers for you, but I don't. Personally, I am on this website myself because my H cheated on me numerous times and finally ran off with his ex, demanding a D. He followed many of the same behaviors you have described in your own situation. Now we are separated, living in separate states, and awaiting a divorce. He wants it, I don't. I feel like there is hope for reconcilliation, but he still does not think he is in the wrong. We no longer talk, but I pray for him to come back to me every day, even though I am taking time to better myself and be a better Christain. We were married for nearly a year before everything hit the fan, and we were together for five. I'm 23, so I know what you mean by being young.

I read through your post, and I want you to know that I feel like you are both in the wrong. Marriages take two people and they fail when both people give up hope. There is a lot of great advice in the MB books, including Surviving an Affair. If you are a true Christain, you would know that God does not like divorce and He would like for you and your wife to reconcile. But, since there are a lot of things that both parties have done to contribute to where you are today, you are going to have to make some changes if you both plan on making this work. Try marriage counseling, if you are open to it. While you are separated, you may start to work on yourself. You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself first. I read somewhere, that love in the worldly sense is seen as an emotion, but Biblical love is more than an emotion. Read 1 Corinthians 13. People today seem to think that they have to be "in love" to love someone. This is not the case, nor is it reality. People fall in and out of love all the time. Most of the time its when needs are being met. For you, the other woman is meeting needs that your wife should be meeting. Do not stray as an adulterer... It will make reconcilliation hard if not impossible. As long as you are married, you should not date others. For that matter, it makes most women very uncomfortable to know you have female friends, so drop them, unless they are mutual friends and your wife can openly talk to her too.

Well, that's all the advice I can give you right now, and that's my own personal opinion so take it with a grain of salt. Just know that I've been there, and I hope your marriage can survive. God bless!

Hello, this is bigchcolate2, I accicdentally made two names.

A couple hours after mine intial posting, I got a phone call from my wife. She asked if I was still talkn 2 the online girl. I lied to her before and said to myself I'm going to tell the truth here on out. I told her yes, she asked if that's who I was with last night, I said yes to that too. She then tells me to get my s**t and get out. I'm trying to calm her down and find out what I did wrong. She hangs up and calls back 5 mins later, this time furious. Yelling at me to leave.

My thing is, I asked her to work it out with me, be by my side. She tells me to go be on my own. That's doesn't make any since. It just doesn't make sense here. I guess the 7am part was a bit much.

I know god doesn't like divorces, but he does like if you repent and actually try to make things better.

For me, I have to find a new church, the church we went to was her families and I don't feel right going back.

Maybe this is a bad month for me, hopefully next month will be better.

As of right now, I think its completely over.

You say you've been reading here for a month? Where on this site did it say that husband and wife should have an in-house separation and immediately start dating other people? Where did it say that you should lie in response to every question that your wife asks you?

What exactly have you been reading (because you certainly don't "get it"!)?

You are having an affair. It doesn't seem to me like you have been acting like a mature married adult at all (at least from your own description of the things you've done).

You've got a lot more reading to do! Start with His Needs Her Needs and LoveBusters. Another one you should both read is Surviving an Affair...since you're both having them.

Hello again everyone, it has been three years since mine last few posting. Obviously there is a reason why I have came here. For a week I have been looking a unbiased response to my dilemma. I'll start off from my last post.

Dating back to three years ago when I was told to leave, I left and moved in with a friend. Before I had left I installed a key-logger on the computer, because her My space friend caused me to become cautious. There conversation had some flirting in it but reading that person saying he would like to be with my wife if she was single.

While at my friend place my wife felt the need to call me at random times, such as 2 and 3 in the morning during the week days. On weekends she would spend them with me, but it always seemed weird. Then one day my car's heater core broke, we took it as a sign from god for me to come home.

I'm back home things seem so much odder, our sex life was close to non existent, although I knew that was going to happen, but she became distant. I had successfully stopped talking to the woman I met from My space.

Fast forward to two weeks ago...

My feelings toward my wife are the same but have grown indefinitely. She still continues to speak to her old My space friend stating that he is her real friend and she has never met him, but she has another friend that just make me want to catch a case. He's older, her supposed photographer, another married man that is close to our church. I'm not sure how true most of it is. My reason for the accusations are that I seen messages between the two. One said "I was in the alley and I thought bout you, you don't love me no more :)". That isn't how a client and service provider are suppose to act. When I question her about him, she defends him telling me he's married, but when I say married people cheat, she becomes quiet and changes the subject to something I'm not doing or lacking. My biggest accusation I never told her about was when we once had sex, her vagina wasn't the same. It felt like someone had already been inside her.

Two weeks ago she hid my Iphone and I left my Face book on and she saw my messages to my ex. I wasn't cheating but a few messages about us weren't what she expected them to be. That was understandable, I made a promise to never let that happen again.

As of now she wants to move out on her own, I'm alright with it because this gives me a chance to save money if I move in with my mom but stupid because it's separating us again and with her thinking if I'm cheating or talking to women is going to be nerve racking.

I apologize for my long intro to the real problem but here it is. A few months ago my wife had a small breakdown and wrote a letter to me saying I was a good man, a good husband but she "committed infidelity" because of the woman from three years ago from My Space. So apparently she's been getting it on with someone and when I ask her with who she wont tell me. She finally just told me the reason our sex life is gone is because she hasn't felt connected to me since three 3 years ago. She's been faking a relationship with me for that long and was willing to go longer without me knowing why. For over a year she'll tell me or text me little things making me think I'm getting some but when I come home nothing happens, she run into the bed and go to sleep, say shes tired or just flat out ignore me.

For two years I've been working two jobs a day and going to school online so we don't have much time for each other but I do make sure we go out, restaurants, movies, little outings, rubbing her feet, basically full blown massages. It like no matter what I do will work, unless I were to buy her material things. The last time I got some serious sex was on Valentines day when she seen the jacket I got her. That is bull****! So I have to resort to a legalized prostitution? Anyway, the thought of her being with someone else infuriates me especially if she done things with him that she wont do with me. So she's able to be with someone else and I'm suppose to be fine with it? Is that what she's thinking? My currents thoughts are before our lease is up in the middle of August, began working out ,become beyond the best husband buying her things and two days before we depart hit her with the divorce papers from legalzoom.com. She's too stubborn to answer my questions of who she's been with or do any of the requests I have in order for us to fully get through this. For two months I'll leave with someone who doesn't want to be with me, sound fun. Maybe I'm a punk but the other day my plan was to just tell her it's over but I folded when I got home. Should I call it quits or try to resurrect something that seemed to die years ago.

You should as the mods to move this to the surviving an affair forum.

This is a mess, but there have been worse scenarios on MB that have been repaired.

You are both in the wrong, but the only person you can work on/change is YOURSELF. expect sympathy and advice here, but you must to the reading and the legwork first.

I am sorry you are here. This union sounds like a disaster, it is going to take a lot of hard work to fix this. But you are going to have to apply yourself, unless you want 20 more years of this.
good luck.

I have been doing the legwork, I've been reading everyone's posting and the advice given to them. Looking at the MB activities, I sent her Dr Harley's top 5 His and Her Needs, she hasn't said a word about it. I asked her to take the emotional needs test yesterday, I doubt it'll be done. I honestly think she doesn't care anymore unless it involved me cheating on her.

Just like I said in my last post I'm going to start doing everything right. I know it isn't that much but I bought here some flowers and her favorite drink. Took her 20 minutes to say thanks, smh.

It's been bout a week and I'm still confused. I figured I try doing a Plan A(obviously) before Plan B gets started. I feel like I'm just a roommate who's trying to get the other one to stay but they don't care that much. She did do the emotional questionaire, here is her:

Affection
7-Sexual Fulfillment
6-Conversation
9-Recreational Companionship
1-Honesty and Openness
8-An Attractive Spouse
3-Financial Support
4-Domestic Support
2-Family Commitment
5-Admiration

here are mine:

5-Affection
1-Sexual Fulfillment
4-Conversation
6-Recreational Companionship
2-Honesty and Openness
8-An Attractive Spouse
3-Financial Support
9-Domestic Support
10-Family Commitment
7-Admiration


The other day I thought there was a sex bruise on her butt, but I couldn't be sure. She's done nothing to change her ways. I asked her to change her Face-book page into one that will be a couple version, one we can both use. She hasn't tried initiating anything close to romantic, i barely get kissed on the lips.

Yesterday I bought her some body lotion from the mall, she asked me if my mom got this for her. Everything I do must have some sort of influence from someone else.

Dude...

I've been down this road before. I tried everything and it got me no where. My friends kept asking me how much harder was I gonna try. Finally one day I said enough is enough. I was tired of putting my 200% to make up for her poor poor effort. I got blamed for everything, and I still do. Right now its my fault because I ask for my son...sorry but it wasn't my decision to file for divorce in the first place.

My counselor asked me several times how much longer am I going to waste my resources on someone who doesn't appreciate it. And they were all right.

Cash in your chips, call it a loss and a lesson learned.

If she's not willing to work on it, you cannot change her mind. Walking away is hard to do. But sometimes you gotta stand up for yourself.

thank you onestepcloser22,

the more i think about everything, the angrier I become. A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying the reason she's doesn't want sex is because she hasn't been feeling me since the My-space thing 3 years ago. My problem with that is she was barely giving me any before that. So apparently she wasn't feeling me before I even done anything wrong! I feel she's trying by buying me Starbucks drinks and no more nagging questions.

I'm a easy person to satisfy and if she cant do that then I guess I will move on.
I've been thinking maybe I'll give it a year cause of the lease and to give her another chance.

2 months later,

A few things have happened, I ordered a Sim card reader from eBay. My suspicions have been right, she is talking to her online friend AND someone else that lives in our area. Their convo from my perspective is that he is running game on her and apparently they've met in person before and plan on meeting again. He's telling her to let her hair down.

Two weeks I made an attempt for her to see things my way. That was a lost cause. I was putting some of the blame on her but it was for her to see what she's done and how it effects me. Unfortunately she didn't want to hear her faults, well from me and then the convo went to her online friend. I snapped and began talking louder, then I snapped and began yelling. She says i want to have my friends and she can have no one, but I told her "I don't care about other b*****s".

She doesn't see how her online relationship with her friend has changed us. I feel like I'm just here while she runs off and talks to who ever. I would be fine with her online friend if he just stayed online. Sadly, they took their online convo to the phone, texting and I think they met a few weeks ago.

My wife and her friend screwed me over, they deceived a plan for my wife to go to Atlanta but tells me 1 week before departure. I work two jobs and taking off will lose me money. When I actually took the days off, they changed the days.

When she came back, I checked her phone and she called him four times in one hour. She told me her and her friend went out and I know he was there too because she didn't call him after the forth time.

After our yelling convo, she came out the room and said she wants to leave. Part of me doesn't care but the other wants everything to work but I feel she doesn't care that much anymore. Online friend has her emotionally and I get the rest. I think I'm taking his place for now while she saves herself for him.

Hit the notify button and ask to have this moved over to Surviving an Affair thread. You will get more help over there.