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Good job SMB, you have said everything I have been too worked up to say.
Lala and W2S ~ there is NO EXCUSE for not meeting your UA hours. SMB and TST have 5 kids; we have 4, yet both we all are able to meet our hours.
I suspect the real reason the UA hours haven't been met is because there is much hurt on W2S's side and too much resentment on your side.
Time to suck it up and grow up, both of you. MFer, I wanted to address this on my thread. I think that we do probably spend the 15 hours a week. The problem is that it's not quality UA time. It's usually spent sitting and watching TV. Did I mention that I hate watching TV? I guess the big question is how do you find common ground when pretty much all the things you used to enjoy doing together are now off the table because of the damage they have caused? That's been a struggle for both of us. Lately, we have been playing video games together which is something we both enjoy, but that really doesn't count either. We need to work together to find things we can both enjoy. Want2Stay
BS-me 36 FWW-34 DS-7 & DS-3 PA - 7/06-8/06 EA - 6/06-1/07 D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06 Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07 My StoryMy Wife's Story --------------------- Healing one day at a time.....
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Think about ways that you guys can connect that don't require a plug, too! Don't forget that it can be fun just to chuck a frisby around or play catch. You have to work together to make those things fun, and it doesn't require much money. Just sitting around and talking right now might not be the thing to do...
Video games is good, too, as long as you are both really playing together, and not just one of you sitting and watching while the other plays.
Reading to one another can be very soothing, and great time together...
Just keep brainstorming
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Go for walks together.
Every day.
Even if there is silence, or just an occasional mention of scenery, it is quality time together.
How about gardening?
How about lying in the grass and playing "I spy"?
How about a picnic? Either indoors or outdoors?
How about a free summer concert in a park?
Volunteering at a shelter?
Go to the library?
Go to a gallery to browse?
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Take turns giving a massage?
Take turns brushing each other's hair?
Have a staring contest, first one to laugh must do a dance?
Be inventive.
Have some damn fun!
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/13/10 02:18 PM.
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The RC questionnaire on this site is a fantastic tool. You both fill it out and you are free to like or dislike any of a huge number of activities. It is really useful in helping to identify things you might both enjoy together.
Chrysalis
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Video games is good, too, as long as you are both really playing together, and not just one of you sitting and watching while the other plays. SL, LaLa is quite the gamer. You can't imagine how satisfying it is to shoot zombies together. We also like to play the games that have a puzzle element to solve. I work the controls and we solve the puzzles together. It's a lot of fun. Want2Stay
BS-me 36 FWW-34 DS-7 & DS-3 PA - 7/06-8/06 EA - 6/06-1/07 D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06 Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07 My StoryMy Wife's Story --------------------- Healing one day at a time.....
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My boundary is that drug use will not ever take place in my presence or in our home again. I have this same boundary, for my ADULT child who does not live with us. My drug/alcohol use boundary for my HUSBAND is quite different. I will not tolerate drug or alcohol use. Period. What damn good is your weak boundary if LaLa walks down the street, smokes a doobie, then comes home loaded? Tighten this one up. She should not be using at all. Pep, I was hoping you would post. I've seen your stuff on addiction and it is awesome. You have such an amazing way of putting things. Thanks for the UA/RC recommendations. You were spot on again and we need to think outside the box and find new activities that help fill this void. It's been a long time since we just had fun and it's in much need of change. Want2Stay
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I'll challenge you on that, Lala. I don't think you were sincerely motivated by the desire to help.
Your postings allowed you to 1) receive admiration from the board, and 2) avoid helping the one person who needed you most.
Those are not the actions of a repentant FWS. SMB, Thank you for taking the time to post to LaLa. I wanted to take a minute to address this from her thread. LaLa is being honest in that I did encourage her to post very much back then. It was very therapeutic to see her own things she had done to me through her posts. It helped me a great deal and I do believe it was genuine heartfelt sympathy for those she posted to. I watched her shed more than a few tears while helping posters like Learning2Fly, Amazin, Not2Fun, TooMuchTooSoon and RegretIsMe just to name a few. I do however think you were right on when it came to the admiration aspect of it. It is one of her top ENs. I think more of what happened is that LaLa believed that she was doing what she was supposed to. When she quit posting though she found me still very much in the same pain I was in when we came to MB. She misinterpreted the reasons why and it was a downward spiral from there on. Not to make excuses for her, but that's my take on it anyways... Want2Stay
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W2S, I know I haven't been around very long, but I think you are going to need this advice. STAY OFF OF YOUR F(?)WW's thread. There are reasons that couples are told to stay off of each others threads. This will allow both of you to feel absolutely comfortable in the posts you make and people writing to either of you will feel comfortable writing their thoughts as well.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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LaLa is being honest in that I did encourage her to post very much back then. It was very therapeutic to see her own things she had done to me through her posts. It helped me a great deal and I do believe it was genuine heartfelt sympathy for those she posted to. I watched her shed more than a few tears while helping posters like Learning2Fly, Amazin, Not2Fun, TooMuchTooSoon and RegretIsMe just to name a few.
I do however think you were right on when it came to the admiration aspect of it. It is one of her top ENs. I think more of what happened is that LaLa believed that she was doing what she was supposed to. When she quit posting though she found me still very much in the same pain I was in when we came to MB. She misinterpreted the reasons why and it was a downward spiral from there on. Not to make excuses for her, but that's my take on it anyways...
Want2Stay W2S, PLEASE, Stop explaining reasons for what she did or didn't do! You ARE making excuses for her and it's not very flattering. LaLa never worked the MB program, and now she has a chance to change that.... just stay out of way and let the process happen without trying to cushion her fall all the time. Every time you try to break her fall, YOU'RE the one that is feeling the pain.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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W2S, I know I haven't been around very long, but I think you are going to need this advice. STAY OFF OF YOUR F(?)WW's thread. There are reasons that couples are told to stay off of each others threads. This will allow both of you to feel absolutely comfortable in the posts you make and people writing to either of you will feel comfortable writing their thoughts as well. Scotland, Yeah....I know the rule. Believe me, I'm not making excuses, LaLa has a bit of a credibility problem right now and I wanted to concur that I did encourage her posting back then is all. Man is it hard to follow the rules.....GRRRRR!  Want2Stay
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Just sit back and observe.
Go have some fun together.
But please, sit back and observe the actions this time!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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LaLa is being honest in that I did encourage her to post very much back then. It was very therapeutic to see her own things she had done to me through her posts. It helped me a great deal and I do believe it was genuine heartfelt sympathy for those she posted to. I watched her shed more than a few tears while helping posters like Learning2Fly, Amazin, Not2Fun, TooMuchTooSoon and RegretIsMe just to name a few.
I do however think you were right on when it came to the admiration aspect of it. It is one of her top ENs. I think more of what happened is that LaLa believed that she was doing what she was supposed to. When she quit posting though she found me still very much in the same pain I was in when we came to MB. She misinterpreted the reasons why and it was a downward spiral from there on. Not to make excuses for her, but that's my take on it anyways. W2S...... Don't you dare get on here and fight Lala's battles for her..... (ohhhhh that felt good!!!!!...  ) She's a big girl.......let her do this on her own.... Stay on YOUR side of the fence and work on it.......in fact dear, this thread should be all about YOU!!!!!! I'm personally wanna hear about YOU.......what are you doing to work on your conflict avoiding issues/enabling/leadership issues?????? Oh, and the "excuses" on al-anon meetings......doesn't fly for me.....surely you can find one somewhere at some time......I want to see a list of all the meetings in your area and the surrounding areas with days and times......... Not
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Hey W2S!
It's time for you to start working on yourself. Let LaLa take care of her issues, let her fight her fights. You've got your own to deal with. Get online and search for Al-Anon meetings, even if you have to attend online sessions, you can still find the help you need. You can even find help for your children.
Take the time this week to research Al-Anon...get your own recovery on track. You have got to get your own head straight and healthy so that you stop contributing to the environment that makes toking an OK behavior.
You spent time defending LaLa today...STOP IT!!! Focus on you. Get the advice and help YOU need.
Get it together man!
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Houston.......we have a problem!!!!
OK, LaLa is angry with me because I sought out support and advice secretly to deal with her addiction. She believes it was a breach of openness and honesty. I say that I needed the freaking help after all this time!!!!!!!! She was well aware of how I felt when I began counseling, she just didn't care that it was killing ME!!!!!!
I'm at a total loss...the tension finally lifts and right back to it we go....yeah.
Want2Stay
Last edited by Want2Stay; 06/15/10 07:03 PM.
BS-me 36 FWW-34 DS-7 & DS-3 PA - 7/06-8/06 EA - 6/06-1/07 D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06 Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07 My StoryMy Wife's Story --------------------- Healing one day at a time.....
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I'm telling you W2S, you gotta get yourself away from this dance by getting your own head straight. LaLa is in PAIN from peering in that mirror; she hasn't even begun to truly look...stare in that pane... and the easy way out is to go toe to toe with you, cuz she knows you will bite.
Step away from the wayward and get your own help. She has to choose to step up.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Houston.......we have a problem!!!!
OK, LaLa is angry with me because I sought out support and advice secretly to deal with her addiction. She believes it was a breach of openness and honesty. Please, define "support", and be specific. If you were going to an al-anon meeting, that's one thing. If you were meeting a person one-on-one, and that person is someone LaLa might NOT want privy to her personal demons, she has a point.
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Pep makes a really good point. I thought you meant that you reached out to MB to get support.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Openess and Honesty flies out the window when one of the spouses is wayward...and LaLa is still a wayward, even if she is not currently in an affair.
You were well within your rights to seek out help.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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You were well within your rights to seek out help. IF that help was from a professional source, NOT a personal one, then yes. Sounds like there's more to this...and that W2S may have come here with a preemptive post to try to avoid getting swatted for this. W2S if you are seeking help from a source that is NOT professional, then you DO need to stop and find a more reliable, objective source. Edited to add... Ahhhh, W2S, looks like you are getting help from another board.
Last edited by silentlucidity; 06/15/10 08:16 PM. Reason: just read Res's thread and Mels reply and a light went on in...sheesh
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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