I TOTALLY 100% AGREE. hth, he is being abusive. You are letting him be.

SET YOUR BOUNDARIES like ML suggested. Exactly as she suggested. There's being upset because you were betrayed by your spouse...and then there's his actions. Two different playing fields.

hth, don't choose to be a weak woman. The longer you CHOOSE weakness the more messages you send to yourself that you CAN'T COUNT ON YOURSELF. You weaken yourself by CHOOSING to be weak.

You cannot blame your husband for being a bully if you volunteer to be bullied.

Strength is a choice. All of us who stand up for ourselves are AFRAID. The only difference between those who act and those who don't act is a choice to ACT. You make the choice.

And follow through!

"It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."


He will say, "did you love me when you did all that for another man? You haven't done what I need you to do for me to forgive you. I need what I need and it's not up to you to say when I forgive or how I do it. You don't do anything you say you will, you havent' done the ATMs I need or the SF all the time that I require. You haven't lost weight, you keep the house crappy (not true, btw)...etc"

Obviously I need to work more on myself, I'm a work in progress, but I just have sat here and felt so sick to my stomach all day....what will he do while I am gone? Should I call him this weekend? WHy should I be punished for this???? What husband constantly punishes his wife?

I am not happy to be around- always looking for his snide comments, his mean self, when will he break the next thing or fly off the handle about something or burst in our bedroom door to yell at me.....

Get.Out.Fast.

hth....hold still....











STOP!!!!! You are already talking yourself out of acting...fine...we are all willing to lend a hand and 2x4 YOU as needed.

Nothing you wrote in the above is relevant at this point. Stop making excuses and making up "what if" endings.

And your response should be:

"If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem.



No, you need to stand up for yourself. You are making yourself sick by choosing to weak. Making a choice is not a matter of "PROGRESS" it is a matter of choice.

You continually come up with excuses why you can't take action. Saying you are a "work in progress" is BULLCRAP. It is conflict avoidance.


A husband whose wife tolerates abuse. That is who. A woman who chooses to be weak.

i second that motion. its time to bail.

prd

Howtoheal, this is so true. You are part of the game, of course he is to blame, but you are playing his game 100%.
Stand up for your rights and your dignity and or kids dignity
blessing

HTH, you have been here for years and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed in your life. You have started many threads over the years that are just like this one. The advice you are given is the same too.


Sound familiar? That was in 2007.

How about these golden oldies?




Why do his children from his last marriage not see him? I'd be interested to know that. And you couldn't even get up the cojones to protect your unborn child from secondhand pot smoke. Oh, but you strenuously objected.

You know what, hth? You liketo be the victim. It suits you just fine. You complain about your H, but over and over again, you send the message loud and clear that you deserve this treatment ostensibly because of your one month telephone affair that was over four years ago.

But I wonder if you even believe that or if you are using your affair as a reason to remain with an abuser - because you like it. But what about your children? Do they like it?

I get the feeling that you come to this site so that you will have a tangible reason why your H acts like such a creep - it must be because of your EA. Seriously, do you even believe that?

He abuses you because for some reason you welcome it. Only you can say why that is, and only you can change this unhealthy dynamic.

pk

Wow PK, thanks for posting that. I had no idea.

Good luck HTH.

Ew, it just keeps getting worse. How can you even respect a man who has FOUR children he does NOT see? And you chose to have kids with this man!

she takes it because deep down, she feels she deserves it.

prd

I have no patience for weak women. I need to just leave this thread for folks with more patience.

HOw do you become a strong woman Melody, as we say here in Italy you've got balls woman...or cojones if you speak spanish..but not all of us do.
It is hard to be a rabbit in a world full of wolves
I guess we have a hard time seeing the wolf for what he really his, we still see a lamb ...it is crazy how we create our own misery
blessing

PM, you will maybe remember Mr s R o b....spelled that way to protect from searches.

Yep, PK is right.

Atena is right too, as is ML. If my friend were going through this I'd give the same advice.

I am scared, but I am ready. I will practice what to say, but will be here for follow up and support.

ML, I am ready to be strong and not take this anymore.

It is not easy when you see that your choice may possibly lead to completely changing lives- house, schools, responsibilities, everything.

It is scary.

nobody says it is easy, but the level of abuse you are going thru now for years is dangerous.
The unknown is always scary to the mind because it cannot explain it. In fact when we change we are not afraid to leave what we have, we are afraid of the unknown.
But what if you were to tell yourself that the future without your H will be better and believe that for a while?
You can no longer go on the way you have been for years.
be strong
blessing

HTH,

I think you need to sit down with your H and calmly tell him he has to stop the abuse cold turkey, because the next step has to be divorce, I�m not a fan of divorce, but ATM is really despicable if one of the party is not into it and is sadism.

Also because of his a*** tendencies I would be worried about your getting AIDS from him.

Tell him he has the right to talk with you of how the affair caused him great pain for as long as he needs to, and while you never expect to be completely forgiven, words like W**** or S*** are not appropriate for his childrens� Mother.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't get the whole "You must do ATM for me to get over this"....
Where you texting OM that you would do that for him or something?

I don't understand?

Questions

1. How old are you and H?

2. How many years married?

3. What does H do?

4. Other than the EA, what else made H feel less powerful?




But end the end, I agree with everyone else.

This level of abuse, for this long, is unacceptable.
Confront him, if it continues, then I would advise you to leave him.

Gack1,

A friend of my W has a similarly abusive H, and she was just diagnosed with an STD, so it seems his sadism was a symptom of his own guilt. It raised a red flag with me as a result, and if her H is engaging in the same activities with others then the health risks are high for HTH.

God Bless
Gamma