It is hopefull if it is true what I keep reading: that the fog lifts when the A is over or on the rocks.
If it ever lifts for my WH!
I will first have my IM contact him, if he does not respond I will take your advice and send the document thru a lawyer, but it will have no legal value so it will be totally up to my H. The lawyer adviced me to keep using my H's money because to all effects I am still his wife and have all the rights. Lawyer also said that it is best not to upset H because if at this point I have nothing to enforce him to pay the mortgage.
blessing

I also ran across that flick the other night! I hadn't seen it in many years, and sometimes I enjoy watching a movie again after a long period of time in order to see how my perspective has changed over the years.

Not that one. Couldn't flip it on for even a few minutes. Slight trigger issue for TBC, maybe????

Funny, I can still watch 'Fatal Attraction', though. Not exactly sure what THAT says about me....

Sorry for adding to the T/J, Atena.....

Hang in there....

TBC

Is the mortgage under both of your names? Even though it is not through the court coming from the lawyer might make it more official.

Use all of the money or stockpile it. Originally when my XH started to "act out" and I started to realize there was someone else involved, I did drive through to the ATM's pulling out cold hard cash and stored it away. From the time from D-Day to when XH moved out, I effectively moved a significant amount of cash to carry us through.

It was a blessing that I took care of my own family because XH proceeded to go spend every cent that we divided, his 401K and reached the max on both credit cards. Protect yourself any way you can.

It is 2 years this month and A is still going strong. The affairage will be held in October. Will they last -- absolutely not. There are already some chinks in their R. XH whining he is always broke, a few times that PP berates XH in front of people and she is already flirting with her new boss.

Right now I feel like a divorced wife. I get together with friends but I am not interested in dating. Not sure if I will ever be ready.

TBC, Can't compare the 2 films. I am a fan of "fatal attraction" because of such a "happy ending"..snicker snicker.

My H has 3,000 $ in his account, has no car, nothing.. my son told me a while ago that the love shack H rents is no bigger than an oversized closet. My H is a tall man.
Yet, H seems to do just fine.
All in all...he has no money and I have nothing to take from him as he has nothing.
He told me shortly before we separated: maybe I have to lose everything and end up with nothing in order to start anew.
Well that's what he wished for and that's what he has...or better we have, because I am also paying for this, but i did not wish for it...as he did
blessing

Even though you think he is doing fine. He is not. Just focus on what your needs are.

How long have you been M? Does he have retirement? social security? What about the house -- is there any equity.

Because your H wants to be totally un-accountable financially does not mean that will happen. Did you ask the lawyer about this? Is there equality in your earning power? There is much to be looked at.

In one of your original posts you mentioned gaining a signicant amount of weight. Have you been making changes in this.

My DD30 told me when I saw her that this is the best I looked -- EVER. I still have 30 pounds to lose but I have come so far in taking care of myself. I exercise regularly and keep at it.

I have some new friends that I go out with that are not "man hunting". I focus on my family and my blessings.

How old are the OW kids? He has not even come close to the reality of being involved with this OW kids and being a substitute daddy. Patience, time, and grace.

I have been M 20 years. He has no retirement but he does have social security. His family is wealthy and he will inherit lots of money so he never really worried about his old age.
The house is up for sale and it is not selling the equity is small at this day and age given the markets.
Under Italian law till the D is final I cannot enforce anything.
I have not gained any weight, I do excercise and look quite good, they tell me.
At this time I do not want to see anybody, I am fine alone. I have no patience with people and the friends I have except a few have ties to the past when I was with H so they are a source o triggers for me.
I am still convinced H is doing well otherwise I would know about it and he would contact me...he is not
blessing

Hi Atena,
Sorry about the weight thing, I thought one of your original posts said your H looked great and you gained about 50 pounds? tongue in cheek??

I am also fine alone. Avoid all triggers and if it is old friends I agree. There are a few past friends that I hardly communicate with at all.

I spent so much wasted time thinking about how my XWH was doing, thinking, even dreaming. It is a waste of your resources.
He will tell you he is doing well, great, very happy...fog babble.

The reality he is now an overbloated drunk with a silly simpering fake plastic woman. In the mathematical world this equation will not balance in time.

Even if your H and Ow implode, it does not mean he will contact you immediately. (eg. Queenies thread).

Blessings back to you!

No, that was probably me you remember...I gained about 50 pounds and my WH looks better than ever...

Ok right thread, wrong poster! LOL. Hope you are doing well stillhere. sorry Atena.

Hi all,
Sorry I always come here to vent, but I have been thinking of WH non stop. I miss him so much and I am so jelous of him and OW I still see them together in my mind's eye almost constantly.
I have not seen H now for quite a while and have been super busy with work, study and a million other things.
However I am now spinning things in my head telling myself that if H left me it must have been also my fault.
I am so dependend and addincted to him that my life seems so empty now and without meaning.
if I can't be happy on my own how can I expect people to be happy with me.
I clinged on H way too much and made him the center of my world. NOw that he is gone I crumble and do not seem to find the motivation nor the desire to do things without him.
Looking back, I have to admit I have been way to much clingy and pesky with him and every human beeing would have gotten tired of such a suffocating spouse.....
blessing

Then you need to find those people in your life that will help you, that is why exposure is important so then everyone knows, and you can go to them when it is getting hard. Have you talked with your family? Or his family? Have you thought about getting on meds to help calm your emotions?

I have and I do have a lot of support, however now I hear that H tells his siblings that he thinks I moved on and that i have come to terms with the end of our M so he is not worried at all about the impact this separation has on me.
So I gather he believes I do not want to go back to him even if he wanted to (he really does not....he is still in an active A)
Would him thinking this way jeopardize a future (even if impossible..)recovery of the M?
blessing

Sounds like he feel guilty, and the only way to justify and make what he's doing to you "OK", is to "THINK" that you are over him.

I really am sorry I wouldn't know what to do in your situation.

Maybe if you can get some meds and start thinking about you, the only reason for plan B is to fix you not him, you can't control his actions, but you can control yours.

Try not to think about him

Keep your self busy all the time!

Visit family and friends, and TRY to be more happy!

Go do something for you this week, if its just a new hair cut, a new outfit, manicure, or a pedicure etc...you DESERVE IT!

When you find your self not busy, get in the car and drive to a friends house, do you have kids? If so take your kids to a play date.

I know you are busy at work, but when you are home you still need to keep busy, get your mind off your husband, start thinking how to improve yourself, so when this is finally over you can either go into a GREAT recovery or find someone who will treat you right that you deserve.

Atena, it comes with time... I was the same way, and you will get comfortable in your own skin, it might take awhile but it happens. When that day comes you'll be able to handle anything with grace and streangh. You can't rush these things but untill your there naturaly fake it till you make it. Pretend you are everything you wish you were right now and do the things that other you would do, this will help you become, a little faster and that fake confidence will turn real. You'll see it works hang in there

I was just wondering if it is common in plan B that WS make themselves believe BS has moved on...and if so, how can I BS even hope for M recovery?
Blessing

Yes it is common..but it's just another lie, you need to understand that your H is still a wayward and when he is still a WH he will lie to everyone and himself.

But you need to understand something, he will NEVER be happy again no matter how many lie's he tells himself...in the end he will still be unhappy.

So forget about what he's saying and those lies he is telling everyone.

I agree with newlife, fake it till you make it, be happy no matter how how sad you are, smile, no matter how hard you just want to cry, be positive, no matter how hard it is!

In the end just know that you will be a stronger woman!

This is the place to vent. It is a "safe place" for all of the BS.

What you are feeling is normal but don't let it get out of hand. Use it to work on yourself.

It took me over a year to truly realize that I was not to blame for XH A. He would give every justification in his fog babble mind and I finally said "it was no excuse to commit adultery with your direct report".

Plain and simple.

No M is perfect -- that is only in fairy tales. We all have failings and regrets. Cannot have these overwhelm us.

Reading your posts I do not see that clingy and dependant woman you describe.

What I see is a very strong, intelligent woman, who despite this downturn in your life right now, shines bright and true.

Do not sell yourself short. Take one day at a time. Stay dark, work on yourself because you are worth it!

Thank you for your posts, they really help.
I like the suggestion to smile and fake it till you make it, it helps to have a positive attitude and to see the bright side of things.
After all we never know what is around the corner and things are certainly better without the WS around. As they are now they were driving us insane and had no respect for us.
It is still mind boggling, however, how he can prefer to spend time with OW who is such a life and not even that attractive after all. She is much younger than I am but that is pretty much it. I guess for sex sake that counts...
blessing

Aetna,

You are normal and it does take time. If your WH is still in an active A there will not be one thing that you can do right now. If you still want to recover your M, you will have to sit back and wait for the A to crash and burn. And if he thinks you have moved on, so be it. That is the lie that he tells himself to justify what he is doing.

Sit back and wait for the A to end. Then if you still want to recover your M you can take steps to try then. Until then, work on you. I was two years before I really started feeling better. My XWH is having serious health issues and it sounds like that A is on the rocks, but I have reached a point where I am not even sure I would want the hassle of even trying to recover. I have peace now and to bring my XWH into the fold again would be starting a life of chaos over. It took me a looong time to get here though.

Peace to you..

I think that when they compare A to rape they are totally right. I am still in shock and the reason why i see images of WH and OW all the time is because of the shock...it is like the rape victim always replaying the rape scene in her mind...
I know WH is in the fog but it is hard to believe he can live his life so lightly with all the damage and pain he has caused.
A friend of mine who is a therapist and a man says that Wh does not realize the magnitude of his actions. WH has faith that I am strong and heartless and therefore I am not as effected by his actions plus WH knew that while he was having the A and being cold and distant I was suffering therefore WH thinks that him leaving is finally liberating to me. WH has no idea what I am going thru.
Blessing