Well I had to force myself to re-read what I wrote only 4 days ago. I did have a great week, but the weekend has been not so great.

I don't know if it is because I have more time on my hands or because I am back in the same town. (during the week - for a few days, I am staying with my family - closer to job)

Is it triggers, is it my own sadness and loneliness, is it what...??? I just don't know. What I do know is that I am sad and tearful. I am sad for everything lost.

I am desperate to reach out to WH; to tell him how I feel, to yell and scream, to let him know what I think of him and POSOW. But I manage to stop myself and stay dark. I want to call POSOW and tell her what I think of her. But again I manage to stop myself, stay on the high road, and stay dark.

It is SO hard. So I come hear to read what I need to and to vent.

I also find myself questioning what I am doing? Am I moving forward with my life without him in it? Am I in a terminal waiting pattern - waiting for the A to end and for him to come back? Am I waiting...for what...? Please don't misunderstand; I do realize what pln B is all about, these are just my own unsettled thoughts.

Part of me is desperate for my life to not be in turmoil and to simply move on and forward; part of me is desperate for things to just go back to "normal"; part of me realizes that I was deep down very unhappy; part of me is excited to redefine all aspects of my life according to what I want (not what WH wants)

But I m scared, scared of what the future is going to be, scared of being alone.

So again I find that the best thing for me to do at this time is nothing - I am trying very hard to just stay in the moment and allow this path to unfold. But as I have said before - it is SO hard to do this.

MM,
Take one step at a time and deal with each punch one at a time. If you start to think of all the what ifs you will get overwhelmed and more depressed. Look forward to taking care of you and doing things for you. The best revenge for WH is you being the best you can be. Sorry for what you're going through.

Gg

Yes it is full of emotion.

I have been in B a few months longer than you and remember the stage you are in very well. I didn't like it at all.

Staying very dark is the key though. It is sanity and you will work through the stages of grief to create joy. Staying dark and working on refocussing on yourself is key to getting through that yukky state of B quicker. You still have to go through it but it will be quicker if you stay dark.

I have gone through a continual development into a stronger and stronger and better person due to B. Really. I am seeing things more and more clear with the process.

I still want my marriage to recover one day. I have love left for my WH.

My favorite line to think of when I am filled with that angst you mention(much more fleeting nowadays), is one schoolbus posted to New Petals a while ago

"Plan A is a time to show the best side of yourself, to make the WS see the BS as the best choice.

Plan B is to close the door behind you, not allow the WS to look inside that marriage at all- no peeks at the BS, no fixes, nothing, so there is no chance to remember anything but that last look at Plan A. Plan B is for the BS, to protect that love so it does not vanish in anger and frustration, so it does not erode from the constant waves of pain and lies peeling at it by the WS."

Hey Missy,

Good days AND bad days? You bet. Believe it or not, you had good days and bad days BEFORE this hornet's nest got rattled. Maybe WH was there to help you navigate through those rough patches, but you know what? You're doing it ON YOUR OWN now. And THAT gives you strength. THAT builds character. THAT, Missy, is a good thing.

Scared for the future? I know. Well, make it what YOU want it to be. You're already doing it! You have a great new job that will become the foundation for rebuilding your life in a manner you see fit - which color to paint the walls, which movies to see, which places to visit.

You are moving forward. It's a big world out there, Missy. Just be open to the possibility of experiencing it. Do not let his horrible choices hinder your ability to TRULY be a participant in it. You control your world. If WH wants to continue on his path, there's nothing you can do about it. My WW has chosen HER path, so I live on my terms. Better in certain ways? Sure. Worse in others? You bet. All in all, though, it's just different. And it will get better.

'Good days and bad days'. NOT 'Bad Days and Worse Days'....

Hang in there, Missy.

TBC

Awww, shucks.

How old are you?

I doubt you are afraid of being alone.
I think you are lonely.
Completely different.

The future is what you make it.

I think you are right, I am very lonely.

You might be lonely Mymissy, but you are NEVER ALONE.

I TOTALLY understand those feelings and today, I MISS my WH. I know it will pass. It has in the past. It will for you too.

Mymissy, checking in after 2 weeks away.

I agree with Pepper. I never minded being alone because there were many times that we both traveled for business and I was perfectly capable...but Lonely is a whole other can of worms.

We are both very capable woman but what we miss is our lives. My XH A started 2 years this month and they are still going strong and still having their Las Vegas Affairage in october.

It hurts but we can't force them to want us. As long as they are involved with these OW they are closed off to us and don't care what we have to say.

Mymissy you are trying to talk to the man your WH is --not the man he is now. You are better talking to a squirrel in the park who will get more out of the conversation then he will.

I understand the weekend thing. I used to call Friday - Funky Friday because I would go into such a slump. I would think about XH leaving work and going to OW house and me going home alone. It is better but there are those days.

Love what Mark posted. His scriptures have helped many of us. If anything this disaster has put me back on the right path with God.

Blessings.

Thanks as always for your support Hope, your words always help. This "disaster" has also helped me to re-discover a spiritual path and I find a lot of comfort in that.
I love Mark's quotes, they are great.

I don't know what is wrong with me but the last few days have been so hard. Job is going great, but I have been such a crybaby.
Then I just read a post that pretty much stated that recovery for my M is becoming more fleeting. That brought on a whole flood of tears.

I am tired of being sad and lonely. Your right I want my life back. He had no right to take it completely away from me. But here is the irony, I don't want THAT life back. I would want WH back in a different capacity. Can that happen, I'm not so sure.

So many people try to be supportive, but I think that the only ones who truly understand the devastating pain are the ones here and those who have been through it. So many more don't understand.

I absolutely "get" what you are saying. It is time to grieve the life you once had. You WILL have a better one. We ALL will. Some of us will get our WSs back(although they will be FWS, not this ALIEN that is currently occupying their minds), some of us, sadly will not. Even DrH says he can't tell you which ones will make it and which ones will not. Just keep doing anything that goes along with your Plan B and you will get there. I feel stronger everyday. Even though there are some crazy moments, it goes away.

Coming here is like coming home. It's safe and we know we will be understood. I thank God every day that I found this wonderful place and all of the wonderful posters.

So glad to hear that the job is going great. That means you are doing well -- YOU.

And we all get those crybaby days. Notice that there are less of them? And you don't cry as long? More progress by YOU. Someone posted once that we get better when we start using a tissue instead of the bed sheet. I can SOOO relate to that statement!

Missy -- you WILL get stronger emotionally, too. Part of the "time heals all" process. And you will get to the point that you can look objectively at WH and say "what an idiot! He left WONDERFUL me?"

It's not your fault.

I just read Scotty's thread about getting pln B and it being NC to save yourself from the drama of affairland. How hard she struggles with the thoughts and feelings she still has for her WH. I think how much farther ahead she is then I.

I am able to maintain NC only through sheer will and determination and struggle with wanting to break it every day. It still feels like all I think about is WH every minute of every day. I wonder when will it get better. The tears still come pretty frequently, they just don't last for hours now.

Last night I spoke with DstepD20, she will be meeting her father on Sunday for lunch for Fathers Day, she figures he will be bringing POSOW.
I asked her why she could be so adamant in her unwillingness to acknowledge her mother's POSOM (she moved out from her affairage to move in with her BF - yuck); yet is willing to allow her father to bring POSOW to lunch.

She stated that she does not want to dislike/disrespect/hate her dad like she does her mother. I told her that stating her boundaries is not hating her dad and that he could either respect her wishes or not. Then she can deal with the response from there.

Most of all I wanted to call WH and tell him to be more respectful of the kids feelings, then call POSOW and tell her to stop forcing herself into situations with the kids, since they dislike her and don't want her around.

I did neither, but I really really really really want to. I keep trying to support kids and not bring to much of my cynical thoughts around them.

I feel like I am tired of being quiet and nice, I want to let out the [censored] in me. But then I wouldn't be dark, not sure what to do at this point.

I still am struggling with accepting all of this.

On a second note, WH filed dissolution paperwork in mid Feb.; we have still not made it to round 2 of negotiations. It is NOT being held up by me or my attorney. I don't understand, if he wanted this so quick - what is the delay?

Part of me thinks - just remain patient, quiet, and dark; let the situation run its course. Part of me is thinking - pay me off and get on with it. I guess this is limbo.

On a third note, job continues to go great, I am very busy when at work and love the challenges it presents. I also take much of my business aspect/paperwork home to keep me occupied and that is when I don't dwell to much on WH.

I really want someone to look in that crystal ball and tell me how this is all going to turn out.

Mymissy. When I see other people struggling with Plan B and getting stuck, and then I see how they have found out something about their WS and AP, I think, "Of course you're stuck." I know that you want to have a relationship with DstepD, the problem is that she tells you things about your WH and POSOW. That is NOT dark. I have removed that from my life(with eception of what my kiddos tell me and even that throws me). When someone says, "I saw your WH at..." I ask them to NOT tell me those things. I explain how that effects me and that it hurts.

I know that you WANT to hear about your WH. You NEED to to keep that connection. It hurts YOU though.

I have MANY moments where I want to call WH. I want to hear his voice. I want to give him a piece of my mind. I want him to acknowledge my existence. I love him and a part of me ALWAYS will. Thing is, it HURTS me. I have realized that when I feel the worst pain is right AFTER I hear something about WH. I am trying to remove that as much as possible.

Did you read how a friend from college, who also attended our wedding and worked with WH at his current workplace saw me on Thursday? I had to tell him about where WH is and what has happened. The whole time, I felt the HOLE rip through my chest. Adrenaline was pumping through my body and I almost started to cry. THIS is the feelings I try not to get. That's why I ask everyone NOT to tell me things. People still do. I have to remind them over and over again. It is getting better though.

Hang in there. Staying in NC is the FIRST most important step.

Whatcha been up to? I hope you are doing GREAT. Would LOVE an update when you come back.

Hey there Scotty,
I have been extremely busy with the new job, I absolutely love it. I am staying between my place and my mothers until I permanently make a move closer to the job. But this way my dog can stay with my mother during the week and is not stuck cooped up for 10 hours at a time.

I am able to have dinner once a week with DstepChildren20 and that is great to keep that connection.

As for WH - well I temporarily lost a little control and called POSOW to tell her to stop forcing herself into situations with my DstepD. Lets just say it wasn't pretty.
After that I removed all contact information on WH and POSOW from my phone and placed those numbers on a block. Probably the best thing I had done in a while.

I then contacted my attorney to find out what and where the hold up was. It is on WH side (hmmm...not surprising) However after phone call, he has decided to push forward as well with dissolution. Too bad for him, he is still not offering half. Well I am not taking less than half, so the ball is back in his court.

I am finding that my recovery at this point is all personal and that I have decided to move forward with my life. WH continues to show that there are basic principles lacking in his character, his family has shown the same. I choose to not have that in my life and if he were to come back there would have to be some serious individual counseling on his part and his family would no longer be a large part of our lives.

But that is all a huge "what if"; I am moving myself forward in happiness and joy - period. Whatever that may mean.
I found that I was obsessing on this website and so very sad for so many going through what I am going through and it seems to be easier to stay away for blocks of time.

I do like to come back occasionally and check on Scotty and Hope3343 along with a few others.

So, as for me life goes on; I have good days and bad days and I am still angry at how callously WH has thrown away our lives and still very sad at the utter destruction. But I am thankful that I can at least remain a constant, stable presence for the kids. Despite being young adults, they need that.

I like all of this update.
I even liked to not very pretty POSOW confrontation!

Thanks Pep!

Yep. Me, too. Good on you, Missy!

Hi Mymissy, glad you checked in with the gang.

This stuff is not for sissies but you are holding yourself with grace.

Ok you had a slip...I could write a book with all the slips that I have had but you just shake yourself off and continue on.

No we don't know what the future brings but we know who holds it.

We can only be the best we can for ourselves.

Glad your Mom is helping with the dog and glad you are still seeing DstepD. That is a testament to your relationship with her.

Check in and God bless.

Mymissy, I am so glad to hear all of the good news. I understand what you mean about reading things on here that bother you and I understand you taking the time away. You need to focus on your own healing. Just check in every once in a awhile and let us know you are okay.

I still need this place and it brings me great joy to help others. Still need some of your new job mojo too.

Take care and check in when you can. There needs to be more people with personal recovery stories on here so the noobs can see that it IS possible. You can be a great example. Thank you and you are still doing GREAT.