O/T If someone else makes a remark about the Wiggles, I am notifying the mods. The Wiggles are scary

Carry on

Tom, those that are not teachers don�t quite understand. A lot of folks think we get all this time off with nothing to do but sit around and twiddle our thumbs. But don�t tell people to shut up just because they�re making assumptions. It�s just not nice even when you think people aren�t being nice to you. I feel for you. My salary wouldn�t even be enough to pay what yours will�sucks, huh?

You are assuming what her emotional needs are. But the problem is you might be wrong, it�s rude to assume what she needs, you may be completely wrong (she prob thinks she�s meeting your needs and she�s not but she doesn�t know), and you don�t know if you�re meeting them the way she wants them met. For instance, you want financial stability�she�s working, so in a way she�s meeting that need�but not the way you want it met.

Again, this is not just about a lack of money. This is about a lack of communication in the marriage. You can�t be honest with her because you�re afraid you�ll hurt her feelings so you�re being dishonest with her. You resent her. How long do you think that this will continue until it boils over? Nothing is going to change until you take that first step�this is what being a husband is all about�being able to be the man in the relationship when needs be and take charge of the situation. And you do this with love and respect and honesty. Tell her something like, �I�m really concerned about our financial situation. I�d like us to sit down and see what we can do about bettering our situation. And would you mind if we also filled out these questionnaires and talked about the results so that we can have the best marriage possible?� This way you�ve addressed the situation and you�re not saying �You need to get a job!� How long before you eventually get so pissed you have an angry outburst and really hurt her feelings?

Did you read out loud what you typed? �I know what my number one need is�I believe I could pinpoint what hers are.� How about taking the time to find out for sure.

What do you mean you think the sex is taken care for a few weeks? You guys had sex and you think that�s good for a few weeks? Seriously? You would really deprive yourself of sex/love making/whatever you want to call it and her also? I don�t understand this at all. Do you really think that�s all she wants from you�sex every once in awhile? Do you not think she enjoys being sexually intimate with you?

Here�s why I said you�re being selfish�

-You�re assuming what her needs are but you don�t know if they are for sure and if you�re meeting them they way she wants them met. But you won�t take the time to find out for sure.

-You�re not being honest because you don�t want to deal with her becoming emotional. Do you really think that she�s that fragile she�ll just break into pieces when you mention you have a concern in the marriage? You�re not being honest because You don�t want to deal with it.

-You�re having sex to keep her off your back�just enough to try and keep her happy. Don�t you just love those students who don�t really try, they do just enough to get by.
According to you she�s apparently completely oblivious that there�s problems in the marriage. How fair is that? It�s because You don�t want to take the time to deal with this issue. You won�t be honest.

-You�ve said you�ve thought about having an affair. The reason why you�re thinking about this is because of an issue that you will not address. You�re the reason why you�re thinking about having an affair. But you won�t take responsibility to fix the situation (being honest with your wife).

-Do you really really really think that you�re meeting her needs and she�s completely happy in the marriage? Do you really think that she thinks you�re completely happy?

And no you don�t get �atta boy points� for half assing anything. I think you�d find you�d feel so much better once you got this off your chest.

The question is do you really want to improve your marriage?

Hi TomO

I'm a teacher too and have been for quite a while. I know how it is trying to live on a starting teacher's salary.

It sounds like your W would like to find work, but hasn't had much luck. Perhaps her area of experience isn't in demand unlike Consumer and Technical (CTE) or Special Education. What is her teaching certificate area of specialty?

She may be able to get some work as an instructor with an online school. These schools need certified teachers who are willing to work with a wide variety of students. She can also check into part-time teaching at a local technical or community college.

Private schools and home-school partnerships or support groups could also be a place to look for some part-time work. Private schools don't often pay as well as public, but it's rewarding because there is a lot of parental support. Home school groups often need teachers as tutors or to do the yearly evaluations of academic progress.

Also, she could check out training positions in local businesses.

Depending on her experience and certification, she may be able to find something in these other educational areas.

Hope this helps-

h

TomO...I think you should be commended for coming to Marriage Builders. You are unhappy in your marriage and have (I gather) considered having some sort of affair to have your needs met. Considering an affair, but coming to a marriage website instead is honorable in my opinion.

Financial security is one of my emotional needs, I can relate to that. Financial security is not only about making money, but about spending wisely, avoiding debt, etc. In other words. I do not work but I am meeting my husbands need for Financial Security by being careful with the money that he earns, sale shopping, cooking from scratch, staying home with our child so we don't spend money on daycare etc. I am going to go out on a limb and speculate that your wife is failing to meet your need for financial security in ways other than just not working enough. Does she spend more freely than you do? Does she like nicer things? Does her debt make up a high percentage of your total debt?

And here is the kicker: you must have other unmet needs. Financial Security is the most pressing right now. It is making you anxious on a daily basis, so that is what you are focusing on. BUT...you have thought about the possibility of maybe someday if the opportunity presents itself...of having a physical or emotional affair. I can't imagine you are picturing your lover or confidant giving you part of her paycheck they would be filling a need OTHER than Financial Security Everyone is pouncing on you because FS is not one of the four intimate needs. Well...your wife is not meeting one of those four other needs because you would be getting one of THOSE needs met in your affair. You would not be getting your need for FS met at all. In fact, an affair would cost you money Which of those intimate needs aren't you getting? By process of elimination...it must be recreational companionship? Affection? She wants sex and you don't want conversation...or is it that you don't like the type of conversation your having?

I get that other posters are frustrated that you are only thinking about yourself. Well, I think you have to clarify what your needs are first sometimes...you can't even begin to be honest with your wife (which you currently aren't interested in doing) if you aren't honest with yourself.

Okay, so you have a pretty good idea of what your wife's needs are. For the moment you want to explore improving your marriage on your own, without talking to her about it first. I relate to this as well. I needed to clarify my thoughts, explore Marriage Builders for a while and just THINK before I approached my husband. Even though you should eventually talk to your wife about what her needs are lets work with what you think her emotional needs are. What are they? Do you think you are meeting them? OR as I suspect (because I have been there) are you so withdrawn from her that you can't even imagine wanting to meet any of her needs? I've been lurking here for a while. The people on this board are WISE! It does not ring true that the only issue in your marriage is her not having a full-time job. They are just cutting through the BS. I am so early in my MB process that I totally relate to what you are going through. It doesn't seem like BS to me, just that you need to sort things out in your head.

Also, my H and I don't have ENs that fall as neatly into the His Needs/Her Needs norm. It can throw people off. I think a lot of men can not wrap their heads around the idea of a man withholding sex from his wife because she doesn't have a full time job. My husband would at least consider, in all seriousness, working a second job so we could hire someone to do everything and feed me grapes all day if it meant I would shower him with affection, listen to him talk for hours and have sex twice a day Unfortunately for him, I don't have an EN for being waited on by anybody. I also can not imagine needing sex twice a day. That doesn't mean your needs aren't valid, it's just that we all see the world and posts through our own lens. Our ideas about gender norms are among the strongest. Marriage Builders absolutely supports the idea that we each have our own needs and our spouse needs to meet those needs in order for a marriage to be strong.

I think this is an interesting situation, I hope you give this board a chance to help you.

I'm certainly not bashing teachers. My family has a HUGE line of teachers. I even work in a school part time. I'm not a teacher, I am an Administrative Assistant.

My two sisters are teachers...

One of them works EVERY summer as a summer school teacher. She does this to supplement their income. She is married and has 2 children, they want to take a vacation ...so she works extra in the summer to allow for that.

Two of my uncles were teachers. They each held summer jobs. One worked at the local hospital (doing the incinerator stuff)and the other one grew vegetables on 2 acreas of land and sold the produce in a roadside stand.

I see quite a few of the teachers in my building throughout the summer...because they work at area department stores. Maybe they work extra to pay off their student loans.

The think is...they DO it. They see it as an opportunity to get ahead or a way to take a much needed vacation.

So....this girl doesn't bash teachers...no way, no how.

committed

Well I printed out the EN survey and completed that. It was a lot more basic than I expected.
Just for the sake of being more clear about myself for me and for those trying to help my ranking looks like this based on what I filled out.
1. FS (you all like abbr. so I will try)
2. DS
3. C
4. AS
5. SF

If we had children I believe Family Commitment would be somewhere on that list.

Hey Wanna, you had a lot to say and I appreciate your input. To address a few of your questions.

Yes she does spend more freely (not as careful with money). One simple example, I look at the times we each get fast food for ourselves; mine are always around 3 dollars and hers are 6-8 dollars every time. Thats just one small example that bugs the crap out of me. As for debt (college loans), mine is significantly higher.

I also need to reiterate about the idea of "thinking about an affair". I have never actually had an opportunity, or someone specific where it would even be possible. I have simply thought (or fantasized) about it happening. Though I highly doubt I would ever do that. Just don't see myself ever innitiating something like that.

Now you just need to get your wife to fill out her EN Questionnaire. Then both of you fill out the Love Busters Questionnaires before starting to work piecemeal.

If that were true, then a woman who worked and supported you financially would cause you to feel romantically in love with her.

I'm not sure you've read enough to understand what an "emotional need" is.

Have you read through any of the Q&A columns?

(If finances are so important for you, quit living with a car payment.)

Have you read through the section in the Basic Concepts about Love Busters? Did you read through the page about each Love Buster?

I'm confused ... if the two of you are married, aren't you on the same side? In marriage you have to account for what both people want and what both people believe, because you are on the same side.

You should be on her side, too, along with hers. And all of the good help you receive here will come from people who want you to get what you want out of marriage AND your wife to get what she wants, too.

So, what does your wife want?

Markos,
One of our vehicles is paid for. The other is not because we needed one vehicle that is reliable and wont have to be worried about breaking down and thus paying for that. This also goes back to, 2 solid incomes and we can afford the truck no problem.

If that were true, then a woman who worked and supported you financially would cause you to feel romantically in love with her.



That would not be a negative in my book. I don't feel I need to be fully supported, simply equal support financially from both sides.

P.S. I guess I didn't do the quote thing correctly.

What would an emotional/physical affair give you that you need? The one thing you would certainly NOT get is Financial Support.

I don't get it. We only have one income, and both of our vehicles are paid for, were used, cost quite a bit less than $10,000, and are very reliable.

Okay, Tom, we're getting an idea what you need in marriage ... we need to talk to you about how to get that. Because right now you're not getting what you need, are you?

Do you feel like your wife should give you everything you need in marriage? Because if you feel like that, that really makes you a freeloader, kicking back and expecting her to provide everything for you. Like she's your slave! Do you feel like that? If so, she's really not going to be motivated to give you anything (and I wouldn't blame her!)

Tom, how would you feel about asking your wife to post here, too? It would help us to help you if we could get her perspective as well.

When did I say she should give me everything. I said I want the financial burden to be equal....equal.
As for asking her to post on here...uh that would be a no, not going to happen.

Again, never said I am looking for an affair. Imagined being with someone else physically yes. But its highly unlikely it would actually happen. Not the same thing.