God forbids you fall sick cause your OM may just ditch you for another woman like you did to your husband. "In sickness and in health" is not high on the list of cheaters.


It's more like you have a hard time making good decisions. See, you did make a decision to become an adulteress and to go live with OM.

--ElCamino72

Pep, I've missed you!

OP: some of the absolute BEST marriage building advice you will get will come from pepperband. You feel bad right now because you should- not because of what pep is saying, after all, she us only giving voice to the thoughts of that pesky conscience of yours- you know, the one you've managed to drown out with your entitlement and justifications.

If you're serious about saving your marriage please stick around. There are others here who were once in your shoes - they've used MB to create wonderful marriages. It can be done but it will be hard. A bit of 2x4ing on an internet forum is peanuts compared to the stuff you're gonna have to slog through to get out of the mess YOU have made, but it can be done.

I believe SusieQ has hit the nail on the head. The indecisiveness stems from her unwillingness to give up TWO men meeting her needs. Who would want to give that up?

The big problem with that is that it is cruel, sick, manipulative behavior. No spouse is worth enduring that kind of abuse.

If I were her H's mother, I would advise my son to run for his life. Best to move on to a more suitable partner.

Dorry's recovery guide for wayward wives.

Just in case you are still lurking, in anger.

You have NO BUSINESS trying to restore your marriage from the safety- net of OM's bedroom!


So, make a permanent good-bye to OM, then you can consider doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes to restore and rebuild your broken marriage.

Do you remember your wedding day?
Full of hope and promise?

THAT is the foundation for a future.
The relationship with OM will fail, because it is built from the worst parts of both you and OM.
There is zero nobility in adultery-based relationships.
To enter into this quagmire with OM, you had to throw overboard the best parts of your character.
The parts of your character that spoke your wedding vows are missing.
And, that GOOD and TRUE part of YOU is missing, and will remain missing as long as you continue down the adulteress path. Who wants to be in your shoes?No one, that's who.
Honesty and decency are not a part of the vile adulterous relationship.

Someday, you will miss those parts of yourself.
You know what that will feel like?
Shame and guilt.

THAT is what makes you feel so terrible, not MY words.
My words reflect your current character back towards you.
And if the truth hurts, that's good.

You hurt and feel angry at yourself, not me.

You know I am right.

ITA with Pep. AMAZING.

ITA?

I totally Agree=ITA

Kanonymous,

Pepperband is one of the very best here. Pep cuts through the half-truths, rationalizations, and fog-babble of waywards like the proverbial �hot knife through butter�.

No one �made you angry and hurt� or �ruined your experience�. You are doing that to yourself by refusing to look in the mirror, accept responsibility for your errors, and take immediate corrective ACTION. Burying your head in the sand and running away only assures that your situation will continue to spiral downward.

Kan, we see people like you here all the time. We see lots of cheating wives full of blame-shifting justifications who come here hoping/expecting to get a pat on the head, to be told that they are a good little girl, and to hear that their adultery is �understandable under the circumstances�. They want to hang on to their affair and their OM and their cake-eating between two relationships and their un-repentance. No marriage can be reconciled under those conditions. This is way of madness and life-wrecking self-destruction.

Like yourself (apparently), these cheaters don�t want to hear what they don�t want to hear so they sulk away in cowardly fingerpointing. You are right about one thing for sure�your life is truly �messed up�. It can�t be cleaned up unless you get permanently away from the lover you are shacked-up with.

This post should be REQUIRED READING for every adulterer/adulteress out there. It should be taped to their bathroom mirror so they have to re-read it every time they brush their teeth, wash their hands, and do their hair.

Amazing. Cuts right to the bone.

My husband got depressed, so I called my first boyfriend, had sex, moved in with him, BUT, "I LOVE MY HUSBAND VERY MUCH"? Let him go. Your kind of love is cancer.

Kanonymous, if you're still here--

everything reply you've gotten has been on the money, Pepperband in particular. we're not trying to condemn you, we're trying to snap you out of your current mindset because you're WRONG.

i'm glad you're being honest about the circumstances--living w/ OM, etc--but the fact that you seem to view your husband's depression, lack of work, etc as the CAUSE of your affair, and the fact that it hasn't occurred to you yet on your own that it's IMPOSSIBLE to rebuild your marriage while you are LIVING with your adultery partner??? these all tell me that you're still lying to yourself.

i'm a former cheater myself and would be the last person in the world to act superior. i remember that mindset of entitlement and rationalization, i remember how badly i deceived myself, and it makes me sad to see someone in that state.

there are plenty of former WWs on here. the reason we're not offering a lot of sympathy right now is that the only person who can EMPATHIZE with an active, unrepentant adulteress is another active unrepentant adulteress. if we turned this into Cheater's Corner and had a bunch of WWs advising each other, no marriages would get rebuilt. they'd all rationalize our butts off and talk one another into divorce.

please, K-An, read the material you've been directed to. if you're sincere about rebuilding your relationship and creating a truly happy and lasting marriage with your husband, keep an open mind and give it a go.

we're not trying to chase you away, we're trying to snap you back to reality so you can start fixing the damage. K?

Thank you Remainnameless.

Does that mean you are willing to move back home and fix your marriage? And have NO CONTACT with OM?

Let me give you some helpful advice. I'm sorry you haven't recognized that others have given you very good advice, but sometimes the truth hurts. Here goes.

1) The OM in your situation is a complete and utter piece of trash. I know you have put your blinders on to this because he has been meeting some of your needs, but any guy that would pursue a married woman is an awful human being. No ifs, ands, buts, about it. He has ZERO respect for marriage. He's preying on an unhappy woman in a marriage. It's a typical tactic for a predator to get someone who is out of their league. Find someone who is unhappy in their marriage and prey on their vulnerability. You have ZERO future with this guy. You should at least understand that, so why not just end it COMPLETELY now? Yeah, its going to be hard, but that doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. Just rip the bandaid off quickly and move past this awful chapter in your life.

2) You don't even have to decide whether or not you have to stay with your husband for the rest of your life, but you will have no idea if it will work out UNLESS you cut off all contact with OM and work on your marriage using marriage builder principles. If you try and it doesn't work, no big deal, you can walk away in the future with your head held high knowing you tried, and more importantly, your dignity. My bet is, however, that your marriage will recover using the MB principles, and you can have that opportunity if you end it w/ OM now. Wouldn't you want a chance at a great marriage?

It's as simple as that. Screw up your life and toss away your dignity for a relationship that you know is going nowhere. Or, you could give your chance at a happy marriage and restore your dignity in the process. It's really a no-brainer, but you are going to do something hard, and that is cut off all contact with OM. You are addicted to him right now, so it's going to be hard, but deep down, you KNOW he is bad for you and you need to stop.

The following link is to an old thread of mine, about "run of the mill" WWs.
I think that YOU probably fall into the first category, not the second.

Therefore, there might be hope for you yet !
Link RUN OF THE MILL WW

kanonymous,

Please consider a few things you said:

Then you said


Finally you said

Now please read carefully what you have said. First, you don't have to make a decision your H has already made one. Based on the fact that you love OM and don't want to live without him and the fact that you cannot make a decision, your H has decided to file for divorce.

What you are not considering is that he knows you cannot make a decision, and he knows he cannot handle the pain any longer so... he has made a decision.

You don't have to make any decisions kanonymous. As usual your H will let you off the hook, and not make you face your adultery, your lying, and your complete lack of respect for your marriage. He has allowed you a "comfortable" way out, that will allow you to be with the man you cannot be without...OM.

So what is the problem here? I say let your H take care of you has he apparently has for sometime now.

Now if you want to fight this, then you have to decide your marriage is something you want. If that is true, they you really need to take the advice of the folks that have already posted to you.

So to summaries, you can avoid making a choice and let your H do it, or you can make a choice but then you have some hard work ahead of you and it might not work. Life offers no guarantees, and certainly you won't get any either.

It really is your call. IF you decide you would like to save the marriage we can help you, Pep will for sure. She is very very good. Or you can decide not to decide and let your H make the decision in which case you won't need our help or anyone elses, he will take care of you as usual...by making your decisions for you. You really cannot complain about him doing that sense you are reluctant to make decisions.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

pep--

O...M...G. (i'm being ironic, i hate text slang.) i am the CLASSIC run-of-the-mill wayward wife.

there goes the Fallacy of Uniqueness!

Pep's "run of the mill WW" thread is excellent. The "type 2, NOT run of mill" WWs are pretty rare. Yes, female philanderers and severly pre-disturbed narcissistic women-who-cheat do exist (seen a few examples here), but these cases are a small minority of adultering women. The VAST MAJORITY of WW-situations we encounter here on MB are ROMANTIC AFFAIRS involving "run of the mill, type 1" wayward wives.

So, RemainNameless, it does not surprise me one bit that you identify yourself as a "CLASSIC" case. My xWW was a classic case. Kananon is (very likely) a classic case as well. There is very little that is "unique" about these affairs or the private reactions of those who slide down that slippery slope chasing after the Sirens' Song. It always amazes me how these active-WWs believe that their situation is unique or "special" or "beyond anyone else's ability to understand". When they hopefully become FORMER-WWs and actually do some research, they come to shockingly discover that their affair/lover were not unique or special at all. It truly is a testament to how powerfully irrational and self-deceptive the emotional addiction of an affair really is.

FACTS:
95+% of affairs do not survive long enough to result in marriage
95+% of those that do affair-marry end in re-divorce

Try telling that to an emotionally-addicted, active WW...she will almost always dismiss such stats entirely or insist that she & OM are "that 1 in a 1000 case". So many marriages, families, and lives are wrecked by selling out permanent values for temporary feelings. What a waste...


"Facts, sir, are stubborn things"
John Adams