I already told him all or nothing. No dating. Evenif we did date he would have to pay, but I am not going to date him. He thinks once he is out that all the pressure would be off and that he could relax and see if there was anything there. Not going to happen.

I talked to Steve one time last month and H promised me if things were not beter by the end of April he would talk to Steve. He never did.

I feel like I have lost my best friend. We had gotten so close these past 5 months but I can't do this any longer.

Still hoping and praying.
Dochas-Gaelic for hope-I carry it with where ever I go, it is tattooed on my lower back.

So sorry Traci,
I guess I'd tell H that the ONLY way I'd consider a relationship with him is if he completes 3 sessions with Steve. By then, his head will either be screwed on, or the threads are permanently stripped.
Stay strong, my friend.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

This is a link to a very good page about detachment. You do not need to be in plan B to use it, but it may help.

Detachment is still loving, but not enabling destructive behaviors- and not indirectly adding to them.

To get your H and your dynamic to change, something drastic has to happen. This is the first step.

Focus on you, you can not make an abusive person the center of your life.
detach.

Lately I have been doing my own thing and my H has come around. I guess he figured that I was finally going to stand on my own 2 feet without him. He is now going to read the books I have and that I have been trying to get him to read. Things have actually improved over the past 1 1/2 weeks. We are getting along better and have been enjoying ourselves. I am learning to play pool and doing very well to the point that my H is impressed. Lately, this has been the best it has been since his return.

Still hoping and praying.

Hey Traci,

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction. If he reads the books, hopefully he will be open to discussing the concepts and after that, actually put them into practice.

TBC

This I hope is the beginning of something new and positive for you. Welcome to yo-yo land.

You retreat, he comes forward, you advance, he backs up.

Glad to hear about this upswing. You have been so sad lately.

I call it the terrible two-step.

I wish I had some good news but I don't. H is going to move out as soon as he and his friend/partner can get a place together. I have finally had it with him. He still doesn't know what he wants and now he goes out every weekend with his friends and sometimes after work with them. I told him he needed to work on our marriage but guess he would rather be single. My therapist thinks maybe if he had to struggle with his friend( his friend is living with his Mom right now) then he would get a big dose of reality. I don't know and really don't care.

I still love him and have been Plan A him since he has been back. Things are better but not where they should be. I feel that when he leaves that he will never come back and I told my H this. He said it wasn't going to be like that. I also told him that I believe that he will get back with OW and he told me no because he recently realized that things were going downhill between them before they broke it off.

I don't know what to do, but I do know one thing and that is I will probably go back in Plan B again. I have been preparing myself mentally to be single again. Hopefully I will be able to handle this.

I just wanted to give everyone an update.

I am still hoping and praying.

Glad you checked in Traci. Still seems like you have been the mature one here. Maybe like you said, he will have to go out and be a big boy on his own to realize what you have done for him.

I know its hard, but your doin your best, keep checkin in as you head into dark plan B. There is so much support here.

For what its worth, the reason he said he would not go back to OW should not qualify to you that he loves you, or is seriuos about the marriage, it just sounds so wimpy.

He will go whereever things are easy for him. Its never too late for someone to grow up but DAY-UMM. it must hurt to be treated this way.

He actually told me he loved me 2 weeks ago but said that because he said it when was drinking that it didn't count. He also said he doesn't remember saying it. I never asked him if he did he just came out and said it. My therapist agrees with me that you say things when you are drunk that you wouldn't normally say when you are sober. But it doesn't matter anymore anyway if he loves me or not.

Did tell H yesterday that I can honestly say I tried and that he couldn't say that. My therapist said that I did at least 90% of the work on trying to save our marriage. I'm not saying my marriage is over but it might as well be. It is now up to God. I've done everything that I could do.

Tracie, good to see you checking in even though it is not going well. Step back and breathe.

Your right trust in God and let Him do his work. We can only do so much.

Blessings

Traci,
Stay strong. There are plenty of us on the board that feel we tried everything. We can live with ourselves knowing this.

Unfortunately, if the wayward isn't ready, no plan -- even if flawlessly executed -- will work.

And it seems so easy -- the wayward just needs to STOP, turn around, and become a spouse again. IT'S THAT EASY.

When he's ready, you will know. It will be easy then... because he will be doing the real work because HE wants to... not because YOU want him to.

Thanks everyone. Asked H today if he wanted a divorce and he told me no. Told him that i don't know how he was going to move out if he doesn't have any money. He told me that he and his friend were just talking about it but it wasn't definite. He told me it wasn't fair for me to be going through this. He is right about that.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci, I am so sorry that things aren't going well. I see in your siggy that it says that you asked your WH to leave on May 11th. Why didn't that happen? Are you going to go to Plan B again? If so, when? I hope that you aren't just waiting for him to move out.

Hun, you must be really tired emotionally if you have been doing Plan A for 6 months. Why have you been doing Plan A?

I know I have not done a recovery stage myself but I have read the material and I have seen others post to recovering posters. I know that it is advised to do a sort of PLan A but you can't do that forever. There also has to come a time when your WH has to start working at recovery. I seem to remember that your WH kept telling you that he just didn't think that this was going to work. If he meant he wasn't willing to DO any work, then he was right.

I am really sorry Traci. I was really pulling for you and I still am.

It is strange, some days I want to give up and others I have so much hope. Today I was really surprised when H said he didn't want a divorce. I have told him I would give him a divorce and that if he wanted to leave I wouldn't try to stop him. I even told him he didn't have to stay if he wanted the OW. Been told multiple times by him that he he doesn't want her and doesn't want anything to do with her. I have told him to lease leave me if he wants anything at all to do with her. So I have given ways out of our marriage and he won't take them. He knows that I love him and that I want to make our marriage a success. He says he doesn't know what is wrong with him. I have seen over the past 6 months that he is slowly but surely coming out of the fog but he doesn't want to work on the marriage.

I have taken every weapon he could use against me including the house. Told him if he wanted to sell the house to go for it. I wouldn't fight it. I told him that if he could sell the house it would just make it easier for me to leave the area. I would leave Florida and move to Tennessee to be near my parents. He would then have to be responsible for our DD 22 and DD 19. They still live at home.

Still hoping and Praying.

Traci, time to go into a dark Plan B. In your case it might pull your H out of the fog.

Stop asking what HE wants. What do YOU want. He is still in the fog babble that is what is wrong with him. Sometimes Plan B could be that smack in the head that will make him "snap out of it".

He is cake eating and dessert is over.

Blessing and prayers to you and your family.

We talked about this a long time ago Traci. Everyone stressed that he HAD to do the heavy lifting and activly demonstrate his willingness to work on the marriage if you took him back.

You have given him enough time to do that, so if you really want personal recovery, with the "Chance" of restoring and strengthening your marriage. You should do plan B very darkly and wait till he grows up. I assure you as long as you are willing to be his caretaker he will let you do it. Hes just so comfortable there. The cake eater.

Ok so here is your challange for yourself. Can you stop being his caretaker and have a different role in your marriage if and when he does get ahold of his problems? Or are you just interested in restoring the marriage back to when you have to lead him to water? If I remember right, you held his hand and brought him to the gym, whached over him with care in just about everything, and he just got depressed and wandered to a younger women who he felt supperior to.

There is no shame in growing and maturing and taking control of your life. You are doing that. Its his choice to stay in limbo and run away from the challenge that God has given him with a women of your character. You must let him make that choice and suffer the consequences. Maybe he will have an epiphimy, maybe he won't, but he needs to see what he's got, and missing when your gone out of his site, and his life.

Maybe he will and maybe he won't but let him come after you. You deserve it. Your challange is to let him have control over that choice. While accepting a new life with him as he SHOWS you he wants you above all others, is able to live by himself, is totally whole and capable, and chooses to be with you. He even might bring back some self respect. It will be an awesome marriage or you will know why. Don't expect any less. God knows you don't make excuses for yourself. Can you stop doing it for him? Thats the challenge for you as I see it.

Of course this will take time and patience, forgiveness and love, understanding and faith. Use those things with a righteous expectation of results in proper time, with sound counsel, for yourself first, and then your marriage.

Time to let him live on his own. If you don't force him to leave he will be "talking" with his friend about moving out for the next year. he is stringing you along. Why would he WANT to move out, you are OK with letting him live there AND having his single life. Meanwhile your love is draining every day.

Please don't wait until it's too late. Ask him to leave this weekend. And DON'T allow him to come back until he is TOTALLY committed to saving this M, which includes phone counseling with Steve, 15 hours AT LEAST of UA with you, and no more going out without you.

You have just put up with too much for too long. If you are going to continue with this much longer you may as well just start the D now because you won't have any love left for you H soon.

My suspicion is he doesn't have one OW, he has multiple ones...