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Joined: Jun 2010
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Well here goes: My wife and I of 21 years have drifted apart to the point she has filed for separation. We could have made every classic mistake of marriage. We worked opposite shifts, we never made time for each other, we never had alone time, we didn't know how to fight (she got nasty and said hurtful things, I sat there and didn't respond), I never communicated with her and told her my feelings, etc. Any time I tried to bring things up, she either threatened me with leaving or suicide, so I never said anything to her for fear of either consequence. My inaction became an action and now we are in the legal system. She started out as a separation, when I wouldn't acknowledge it, she moved it to divorce, and now back to a separation. She is still in the house and I am getting served the paperwork next week. This hit me like a ton of bricks and was an "awakening". I now see the error of my ways and am changing to make myself who I should be. When we had fights before, I did what made her happy for a week or two, just to make her happy, but not because I thought I needed to change, so it never stuck. I now realize how bad I was! She told me about the separation on May 14. On May 27 we went to MC, I thought to work on the marriage. She told the MC that she does not want to save it. I just found out yesterday, that the afternoon of our session she signed the papers moving the separation to a divorce so that session was wasted. I have tried talking to her, but it is all to no avail. She cares about and loves our 2 sons (19 and 16 Y.O.) and me, but she says she is not in love with me and has no feelings, her heart is empty and broken. She says she is busted and can't be fixed. She is walking away with nothing, leaving it all for me so I can continue to support the boys in our house. Since I have woken up and realized how I ignored and hurt her I am devastated. I want to save it but I can't change her mind, nor can I force her to change or stay. So it looks like the separation is moving forward. Is there any chance that we can reconcile after she moves out? I know that unless she can have feelings for me again it is useless, but can she redevelop those feelings? She says she sees the change in me and it hurts her all the more to see it now, instead of before she made up her mind. She refuses to believe that the change and the acceptance of blame is real. What can I do? Will time away give us any chance or is it a death knell?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 508
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Scirugby,

Welcome aboard,

I'll try to keep up with you and will write more later.

We would all like to know more about your and your wife..

How long have you been married??

How old are your kids ????

It's a little unusual for a mother to be willing to just walk away from her kids, She may just be at the end of her rope, depressed and seeing no way out except to leave...in which case I would take the threat of suicide seriously and talk with her parents and best friends to figure out an approach to reach her...

The other is she may be having an affair and that will take you snooping to figure it out. Most of us here have an affair were dealing with and so there is a natural reaction to assume that may be the reason your wife is leaving like she is.

Not every marriage brake up involves an affair

On this site are a lot of resources to help you I would start with reading Her Needs His Need, Dr. Harley wrote it

Steve Harley, is a councilor on this site I have used him and he's great he can give you a plan of attack and will work with your wife to help her see their may be hope where she can't see it. I would call him the like is on the home page of this site.

More later SC



Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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I thought I said some of this. We are married 21 years. The boys are 19 and 16. I have read Her Needs/ His Needs for parents, as well as all of his online stuff. That is what is helping me see the light about my behavior and how we screwed up. I am pretty certain there is no affair, although I think she has a slight emotional attachment to her mother's neighbor in Fla. Since that is over 1,000 miles away, and she has only been down there 4 times to drive her mother down and bring her back, she doesn't see him. She does text/talk to him several times a week. She says it's because he went through an ugly divorce and he is trying to help her make it easy for me. Like it could ever be easy! She is willing to walk away and leave everything; she says she will not come back to the neighborhood and will not talk to any one because she is the bad person. She was mentally abused by her mother her whole life and that effects her to this day. My lack of affection and emotion did not help this at all. I know she is going through some bad emotional problems, but she can't see that they can be repaired and she can have feelings again. She is convinced that she is going to spend the rest of her life in a tiny, crappy apartment with no friends and no life. But this is still better than staying with me and trying to rekindle our love and commitment. Realizing I drove her to this level of despair really hurts me. The more I am turning back on my emotions the more it hurts, but I realize that how I was, was no way to go through life; so I have to do this for the better of me and to have any chance of reconciling with her. I could go on about me self-realization of my problems since examining myself for the last month after reading Dr. Harley's stuff. that is leading me to significant, positive change, but doesn't help her, she refuses to believe any of it! BTW I haven't found the post/thread with what all the abbreviations yet, so I am clueless what they mean.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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Here are the abbreviations, it helps to print it out to refer to until you get used to them.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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sciruby- Has your wife ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

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She told me as we have been going through this that she has battled depression, but I don't know if she ever went to real counseling. I knew she had problems from the way her mother treated her, but she knew that and I thought that her knowing that would help her deal with the problem. She did see a religious counselor to work on the marriage. All she was told was forgive him, try harder, and be a better wife. The counselor finally agreed with her that she should leave me without ever having talked to me or us together. How's that for a counselor?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Nov 2003
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Sounds like that was a really horrible counselor. Or else your wife is lying either about what the counselor told her, or what she told the counselor.

The reactions your wife has had sound very extreme...healthy adults do not threaten to kill themselves when their spouse tries to share feelings. Or anytime, for that matter.

If she's talking to this guy she has an 'emotional attachment' to several times a week then you should be taking this very seriously!!!

Lots of red flags going on here with your wife, sciruby!!! But she's conveniently been able to convince you that all the problems are YOUR fault.

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Oh, I know that it is not all my fault. She didn't deal with the problems well herself. It is my fault for ignoring her and burying myself in TV and Video games and not having a relationship with her. I just didn't know how to interact with her without a fight arising. I accused her of having an emotional attachment with this other man and she replied he is like 55 and has a girlfriend. It could be all a lie, but how to prove? I doubt if I called her mom she would talk to me, let alone tell me how she was acting around this guy. My son was down there with her for spring break and said that her mother called her a slut for the way she was acting around this guy, but her mother is a psycho.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Well, I sucked it up and called her mother to find out more about OM. She was surprisingly very nice and was rooting for us to work it out. She took no sides. He is 52 and in her words a real cutie. He does have a live-in girlfriend, but he didn't when she was down there. He hit on her the first few days and she told him no and he stopped. Well he must not have, he just got more subtle. He is supposed to be easy to talk to, a real charmer. So my wife got sucked in to his charms. I checked our phone records and found out they have called each other twice this week, one each way and talked to each other for 20 min. each time. Do I confront her with it, or wait for counseling in 2 weeks?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
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I wouldn't confront her about it just yet...all she will do is downplay it ("he's just a friend") and then she will figure out ways to hide everything from you better.

I would keep track of what you find...are you also looking on her e-mail, Facebook, etc? Does she have time that's unaccounted for during the day or night?

In the meantime keep reading on here as much as you can (especially about affairs, your wife has all the signs) so that once you get some more information through snooping you will be able to come up with a plan.

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Time for a little update. I took my younger son to Pittsburgh for an all-star rugby tournament on father's day weekend. It was great for the two of us. My older son had to work. My mother got hurt and had to go to the hospital. My wife was great and called me and kept me abreast of the situation. She even talked to my mother for over an hour! She has been very nice and civil to me for the week. Is this a sign that she may be starting to come around and acknowledge my efforts of change; or am I deluding myself? She did send me a text in response to one of mine that she has forgiven any hurt I caused her and needs time to heal and change herself. But she is still planning on moving out in 2 weeks. How long do I wait before I contact her and continue trying to reconcile. Her mother also said she has been impressed with the changes in me. Does anyone have a success story on reconciliation and how to go about it? Is there a thread here somewhere for reconciliation after a spouse moves out? Thanks all, just writing in does help me through the bad moments.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
#2394775 06/23/10 09:12 AM
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Hi. I started out in the divorce forum, but I hope I belong over here. You can read my posts there for the background, but I will shorten it here. The day after our anniversary May 13(I gave her a card, she nothing for me) she told me she had a lawyer and filed papers for separation. I did not contact her lawyer, trying to convince her to go to counseling and work on it together. She replied she tried (on her own, without my knowing) and she is empty and is not "in love with me anymore". I tried to convince her. She finally agreed to go to counseling on May 27th. I found out in the session that she does not want to save the marriage. I also recently found out that the same afternoon of our session, she upped the separation to divorce papers because I wouldn't sign the others. I have since talked to her and she is going to drop back down to a separation. The counselor asked some real good questions and suggested I am suffering from depression. that really struck a cord with me. I realized it and and made a huge effort to come out of it. I also read HNHN for parents and found this sight. I have made many changes and my wife notices, she even mentioned it to her mother.(I called to talk to her about us) But she thinks it is an act and I will go back to my old ways. I NEVER want to be like that again! She is planning on moving out the first week of July. I have seen some indications that she is noticing the changes in me, but am I deluding myself and seeing things that aren't there. Once she moves out, how long do I wait before I contact her and what things do I do to keep wooing her and letting her no my changes. Since I got hit with the 2x4 of I don't want to save the marriage and woke up, I realize how much I love her and never showed it in words or actions. I don't want to walk away without giving it everything I can. Help!!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Now, info for why I think I belong here. First of all, I don't see a forum for separation and/or reconciliation. But I also am suspecting my wife of an EA weather affair or attachment I am not sure. The OM is my MIL's neighbor in Fla. We live in NY. My wife drives her mom down there and then stays for a few days. From what I gather this OM is 52 (my wife 47) and quite the charmer according to my MIL. He hit on my wife for the first few days they were down there, but she shut him down and said she was married and he backed off. Since she came back from Fla. they e-mail and text a few times a week. She says that he is helping through the separation and because he got hurt by his ex, he is helping her to make it easier on me. But they talk about his life and what she does and other non-marriage/separation things. He has a live-in girlfriend right now, but this still continues. They have even called and talked to each other for 25 min. phone calls. I am waiting to bring this up in our next counseling session in 1.5 weeks and am gathering info on their contacts. I hope the MC can convince her that this is wrong, but if she doesn't want to save the marriage she may not care. But I have seen some changes in her attitude towards me and I am optimistic that she may come around. If that's the case, she needs to NC him. So that is why I am in this forum. Help/ comments greatly accepted.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Sounds alot like what I went through...my husband was loving the attention he was getting from another women at work and it affected our relationship, because he was getting his emotional needs met by her. How long before it turns to sexual needs? I decided to fight for him, it was worth it to me and definitely for the kids. Besides this site, I checked out divorcebusting.com and talked to a coach there, which was what finally helped to get through to my husband. We are at least working on the relationship together now. I wish you best of luck.

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scirugby - I'm sorry you're here. Actually I think the best place for you is over on the Surviving an Affair forum. It is likely that this is an ongoing and current affair. You're not in recovery yet. You need to take action to end this affair.

Luckily SAA is a lot more active and you'll get more help there.

Sorry to shift you around so much smile


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
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HIYA!
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Sounds to me like she's trying to make nice so you won't discover (or make a stink about) why she wants to move out. She may have noticed the changes you've made (don't let up on them!) but she is now intrigued with the stranger in Florida and is wanting to explore that possibility. Her talk about being unhappy (for 21 years?!) is what we call "fog babble."

Do NOT confront her just yet--SNOOP and see if they are emailing or texting. Those phone calls MEAN SOMETHING. He is NOT "just a friend." She has developed feeling for and is, at the very least, having an emotional affair with this guy. You must find out the extent of their involvement. Print out any emails you find between them and put them in a safe place. Your job now is reconnaissance. Bring back what you find.

If you've not yet read Surviving An Affair, get it quick. If you can't find it locally, you can get it inexpensively via the bookstore link on the home page.

And, hey, hit the "Notify" button at the lower left of the message box and ask the moderators to combine your threads from this forum and the recovery forum...ideally on the Surviving An Affair forum. You are neither divorcing nor recovering at this point--you are trying to break up her affair with this guy!

I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot, but you've come to the absolute best place to get help.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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I just responded on your thread in the Divorced/Divorcing forum. Suggested you get this thread and that one to the Surviving An Affair forum. You are not dealing with Divorce (yet) and you're certainly not in recovery.

Trust me. You'll get the most help on the Surviving An Affair thread.

And take heart--far worse cases than yours have been resolved happily using the Marriage Builder program. It's just gonna be a loooong ride.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Well, I started there because she filed the divorce papers. I came here because I saw no forum for separation/reconciliation. I wasn't sure what she is doing is an affair, after all, they live 1,000 miles apart. I am becoming more convinced it is an EA, but she doesn't see it that way. Maybe you are right and I will cut and paste everything over to SAA. Just trying to figure out what to do to save out marriage and a timetable for things after she leaves. I just found out she is moving out next week. Unfortunately the church she belongs to supports her wholly on her divorce of me, whatever makes her stronger and closer to god. GO figure.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
#2395269 06/23/10 04:28 PM
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Hi. I started out in the divorce forum, then posted on the recovering forum and told I belong here. I am going to cut and paste posts from both, so be patient if some is redundant. You can read my posts there for the background, but I will shorten it here. The day after our anniversary May 13(I gave her a card, she nothing for me) she told me she had a lawyer and filed papers for separation. I did not contact her lawyer, trying to convince her to go to counseling and work on it together. She replied she tried (on her own, without my knowing) and she is empty and is not "in love with me anymore". I tried to convince her. She finally agreed to go to counseling on May 27th. I found out in the session that she does not want to save the marriage. I also recently found out that the same afternoon of our session, she upped the separation to divorce papers because I wouldn't sign the others. I have since talked to her and she is going to drop back down to a separation. The counselor asked some real good questions and suggested I am suffering from depression. that really struck a cord with me. I realized it and and made a huge effort to come out of it. I also read HNHN for parents and found this sight. I have made many changes and my wife notices, she even mentioned it to her mother.(I called to talk to her about us) But she thinks it is an act and I will go back to my old ways. I NEVER want to be like that again! She is planning on moving out the first week of July. I have seen some indications that she is noticing the changes in me, but am I deluding myself and seeing things that aren't there. Once she moves out, how long do I wait before I contact her and what things do I do to keep wooing her and letting her no my changes. Since I got hit with the 2x4 of I don't want to save the marriage and woke up, I realize how much I love her and never showed it in words or actions. I don't want to walk away without giving it everything I can. Help!!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Now, info for why I think I belong here. First of all, I don't see a forum for separation and/or reconciliation. But I also am suspecting my wife of an EA weather affair or attachment I am not sure. The OM is my MIL's neighbor in Fla. We live in NY. My wife drives her mom down there and then stays for a few days. From what I gather this OM is 52 (my wife 47) and quite the charmer according to my MIL. He hit on my wife for the first few days they were down there, but she shut him down and said she was married and he backed off. Since she came back from Fla. they e-mail and text a few times a week. She says that he is helping through the separation and because he got hurt by his ex, he is helping her to make it easier on me. But they talk about his life and what she does and other non-marriage/separation things. He has a live-in girlfriend right now, but this still continues. They have even called and talked to each other for 25 min. phone calls. I am waiting to bring this up in our next counseling session in 1.5 weeks and am gathering info on their contacts. I hope the MC can convince her that this is wrong, but if she doesn't want to save the marriage she may not care. But I have seen some changes in her attitude towards me and I am optimistic that she may come around. If that's the case, she needs to NC him. So that is why I am in this forum. Help/ comments greatly accepted.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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