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Hi scirugby, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

I would not mention the OM to anyone yet. Instead go download a keylogger at spectorpro.com and put it on her computer. If she has a laptop and takes it with her, install eblaster.

How else does she talk to him? Does she talk on the landline? Her phone? If the landline, I would put a tap [Radio Shack] on the phone.

The first thing you must do is find out exactly what is going on with this guy. If this is an affair, you must find it out because the tactics will be completely different.

So, please find out what they are talking about, make copies of anything you find, hide it, and then come back here and tell us what you find. We will give you the next steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am sorry you are here but welcome to MB.
Originally Posted by scirugby
From what I gather this OM is 52 (my wife 47) and quite the charmer according to my MIL. He hit on my wife for the first few days they were down there, but she shut him down and said she was married and he backed off. Since she came back from Fla. they e-mail and text a few times a week.
I want you to open your mind to the possibility that this went PA. If she is spent time down there without you and now that she is back, she is suddenly trying to file for D, this is a big redflag

Originally Posted by scirugby
They have even called and talked to each other for 25 min. phone calls. I am waiting to bring this up in our next counseling session in 1.5 weeks and am gathering info on their contacts. I hope the MC can convince her that this is wrong, but if she doesn't want to save the marriage she may not care. But I have seen some changes in her attitude towards me and I am optimistic that she may come around. If that's the case, she needs to NC him. So that is why I am in this forum. Help/ comments greatly accepted.

Forget the MC. You need Plan A pronto. Read up all the articles here. First in your list of priorities is snooping. If she is having long conversations with him, install a VAR pronto in her car or wherever these convos are taking place (bedroom, etc). Second is avoiding Lovebusters. Third is meeting her ENs. Start taking care of yourself, get some new clothes, a new haircut, finish up projects around the house that you know she would like.

Most important is to start snooping. You need proof of what exactly is going on so that you can prepare for exposure (your best tool for busting up the A!).

Hang in there!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Oops, Melody already posted while I was writing. The best advice I can give you is to open a dialogue with her and do what she tells you ~ she knows her stuff!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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I have downloaded her e-mails to him and forwarded their texts to my cell. I started doing this a week ago. They start out innocent enough. He was running a race down there and she is a coach and was giving him tips for a few weeks. From there it went into personal things about what she is doing/he is doing etc. He has made some racy comments about her with nothing on under a raincoat and how nice that would be. She texted him a happy father's day, but not me. she is texting him her plans to move out and how she is getting furniture. She has not tried to hide her move out plans from me, but to tell someone else hurts. They send a series of 5-6 texts messages every other day to every 3 days, usually innocent stuff about how he is recovering from the race and so on, but some questions and comments about what they are doing etc. When I first accused her of this about a month ago, she said he is a friend helping her through this because he was through it. She has been friendlier to me, even calling me and telling me about her day. This could just be a front to keep things calm until she moves out. She is moving Next Thurs. to an apartment in the complex she is a manager for and I want some help on how to proceed to keep our marriage alive. Thanks!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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have you read the anatomy of an affair thread?

take a look at it. it might be educational for you.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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ok, I don't see anything in there that leads me to believe this is an affair.

Do you believe she is in an affair, scrigby?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by scirugby
He has made some racy comments about her with nothing on under a raincoat and how nice that would be.
This is completely inappropriate for a man to say to a married woman. redflag

Originally Posted by scirugby
She texted him a happy father's day, but not me.
To me, this is also a redflag. Has she sent you Father's Day cards/messages in the past?

Originally Posted by scirugby
she is texting him her plans to move out and how she is getting furniture. She has not tried to hide her move out plans from me, but to tell someone else hurts. They send a series of 5-6 texts messages every other day to every 3 days
This smacks to me 100% that this is at least an EA. As a runner, there isn't a whole lot of "race recovery" that needs discussing. Did he injure himself racing?


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Ok, so I feel that this is inappropriate if not an emotional affair. He did get hurt in the race. It was some sort of endurance race through the Florida swamp. From reading the texts he also had some problems running afterward. It is more of a how is the injury thing when they text about other things. She has always given me a father's day card and gift before. But remember we are separating in 1 week (2 on father's day) so maybe she didn't feel right getting me one. But texting him real bugged me. She texts about his sons and other personal things. She doesn't use his name in e-mails or texts, but calls him Mulch or Forest, because she met him when he helped her carry mulch to my MIL's mobile and he runs a lot so the nickname Forest Gump. She even removed his name as a recognition from her phone so only the number comes up.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Okay, we just had another ugly fight. She wanted to sit down and talk about what she could take with her and it deteriorated from there. I am trying to be kind and show her affection and do little things, but she takes them all the wrong way. She is mad that I am doing them now but wouldn't for all our years of marriage. I did, but not in the last 5 at least. She also can't understand nor believe that I can change "overnight". I explained that it was an "awakening" or as someone said a "finding Jesus moment". Whatever it was, it was sudden; I think it was just me finally hitting rock bottom and realizing that I was losing all that mattered to me. I just know what I should be doing and realized how little of it I did before. What is it called and is this normal to just wake up? I think it was also realizing when the MC said I was depressed, that I was and I need to get out of it. It has been a big change in my attitude, feelings, and behavior. I like it, and realize that it is something I have to do for me and my boys, and if it doesn't change her feelings for me so be it. But I wish upon everything that she could change her heart and give it a try. My head says that her moving out is needed and she needs time away to heal. My heart says life is over and there is no chance. I know from reading a lot on MB this is normal, but it SUCKS!!!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Ok, so I feel that this is inappropriate if not an emotional affair.


Trust your instincts. They are usually right.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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Scirugby, of course it's inappropriate behavior! I hate to tell you this, but WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

You are behaving like so many other betrayed spouses when they first arrive here, and while that's not surprising, it's also unfortunate.

Your wife is behaving 100% like a woman engaged in extramarital "activities." And she gets angry with you when you DON'T GO ALONG WITH IT AND LET HER HAVE HER WAY.

This is Marriage Builders and the forum is "Surviving an Affair." It's not "Divorce Central." It's not too late to save your marriage, but the clock IS ticking...

Read everything you can on this site. The good Dr. Harley has made much of his philosophy available for FREE. Start with the red outlined box on the right labeled "Most Popular Links." Also check out the "Articles" tab on the top of the page.

There are some awesome books, too. You can find most of them in your public library, your local bookstore, online, or here on the site. You should get and read "Surviving An Affair" and I'd also recommend "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters."

Well? What are you waiting for?


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Okay, I blew it. She came back from walking dog and I tried to talk to he about possessions she can take. She said she wouldn't take anything; so I started naming things she could take trying to open the dialog. She then got mad and wanted to know why I didn't offer x,y,z; didn't she deserve the good stuff. I said I though you told me you were leaving it for the boys to keep their normal house. From there we got into the same old argument. I accused her of the emotional affair and even suggested that he helped make up her mind. She said she had made it up long before she met him. I have done some really uncaring things the last few years, more detail if you think it helps. The one last summer was the final straw she said. After a long argument (2 hrs.) the only good I got out of it was that even though I say she can feel love for me again, she says she can't RIGHT NOW. So maybe she can if she can see the new me staying and being permanent. Yea, maybe I am grasping at straws and hoping, but maybe time separated might give her a chance to heal. I wish I could get her to read some Harley and get on this site. I might give her the books and the e-books from Baucom when she leaves. Hope she will read them. I need to call the MC because when we made the appt. she didn't have a job and now she does and can't make it. Need to see if he can do an evening appt. or we need to find someone else, but they are hard to find in Buffalo without a 3-5 month waiting period. This new me with feelings and emotions is making this process very painful. I almost wish I hadn't woken up and this wouldn't feel so bad, but I don't ever want to be that way again!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Where do you find the article on Plan A Plan B? I have been looking and cannot find the original article.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Here is a link to a thread I created for newly betrayed spouses to help guide them in the beginning. Read through ALL of the links and then read some more. laugh

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Is there any way you can get her to NOT move out? Separating sets the stage for them to more easily escalate into a full blown affair and in my opinion, it hurts chances for recovery rather than helps it. Avoid lovebusters and really study up on your Plan A! How can they see your plan A in action if they don't see you?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Okay, after last night I'm not sure if this is an emotional affair. Maybe she has me baffled and convinced, maybe she really isn't having one. But we had another serious talk among the fighting. If this is not an EA, and she is leaving from loss of love/emotion, WHAT DO I DO NOW? Dr. Harley says a separation is always a bad thing. How do I go about still trying to repair the marriage when we are not under the same house?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Kayc, I have tried to get her to stay. I am aware of the slippery slope it is to divorce. I didn't agree to the separation trying to get her to work on it and she escalated it to divorce. She has now agreed to back it down to a legal separation again. She has seen changes in me and even commented on them to her mother. But to me she says it hurts even more to see me do this now and be the perfect husband when I couldn't do this all along. Her move out day is next Thurs.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Apr 2010
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It's an EA. At least. He is not helping her to help you - if he were he would be leaving a married woman alone.



Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Disgustedandsad,
I agree he is not helping. He is giving her attention and flirting with her. She may not realize it, but because she has had not attachment/emotion/attention from me, she is eating it up. I don't think she is doing it intentionally, she is just starved for someone to give her attention. I know my lack of attention screwed this up, but since I have "woke up" and realized what a jerk I was, I am trying hard, but she says it is too late. She says she doesn't want to try anymore.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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