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TBC,
The serious discussion one has been bad for me. I can't help it, we end up getting into a couple a week, sometimes for hours; but not always in a calm tone. However, there seems to be some good from them because we are talking more and having more serious talks than we have in years. So in one way it is helping her to see the change and for me to meet her EN.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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TBC,
Lastly I would love some ideas to continue Plan A after she moves and meet her EN and woo her again.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Mark,
I am trying hard to fix myself and not trying to fix the marriage or her. I have not asked her to stay and work on it for a few weeks; a long time considering she only told me she was leaving 6 weeks ago. I have called her one brother and mother and told them, her mother just thinks it innocent and not really an attachment. I then told her some of the things in the texts and she said that is not right. She plans on breaking off all contact with our neighbors and friends so telling them won't help, but I am going to do it anyways.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Mark,
As for a pastor or church members, they are supporting her. She belongs to a Wesleyan church, which has a large born-again following. The believe that anything that makes you stronger and closer to god is okay, even over the sanctity of marriage. She says she went to a counselor at church to help her for the last 2 years and this woman eventually agreed to her desire to leave me, without EVER talking to me!!! She still calls her and supports her! She has had prayer sessions after church with members to help her be strong and get through this! I have tried calling this church counselor and have not been able to get a hold of her. If I can convince these people of my changes and desire to make her happy, they can be a strong influence on her. Her EA didn't start until after she decided to leave me. She changed her Facebook status to "It's Complicated" in Feb. before she went down to Fla. and met this guy.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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In fact I called her in Fla. and called her on it and she told me. She agreed to go to counseling but I had too many things on my plate and did not make it my number one priority (yes, I was an [censored]) right away and thought I had some time to find a good counselor. I didn't know she was giving me a time limit!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Rugby (I may take LG's suggested abbreviated name....):

If you have a week left, think of this time as giving her a last glimpse of the new and improved Rugby. One important aspect of Plan A is for Mrs. Rugby to get a real contrast between that new and improved Rugby she has NOW while living at home versus the disappearing Rugby she will have at some point AFTER moveout day.

Don't look at doing a plan A activity and then expecting to see if "it worked". Just do it. And then move on to the next opportunity. Don't get all smothering and stalker-esque, but DO realize that after she moves out, the opportunities will dwindle significantly.

Like everyone, I did certain things well, while others not as well. Without tooting my own horn too much, one of my strengths was taking care of my side of the fence. And I was very open and honest on this board about it. (Um, maybe a bit TOO open and honest, but we don't need to get into that right now....) Anyways, because I was open about it HERE, others validated my efforts. And that was good, because when I'd get the venom about not doing jack on a personal level, I didn't sweat it because I knew differently.

Glad to hear that you're doing a lot of good things. You may have heard others state that this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. That race ain't over after she moves out, either. You'll just have to adjust your gameplan, that's all.

TBC





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TBC,
Thanks again for the support. I am just doing and not expecting a response. I keep doing more things around the house and thoughtful things for her. I have written her letters telling her my love (handwritten even), and telling her how things are different with me and my love for her. How now that I have woken up and come out of my depression that I love her even more and want to make her happy and grow old with her. Her mother has told me that she is noticing and is impressed, even though she tells me that it makes her more hurt.(maybe second thoughts) Her mother has told me to keep it up and give her time to heal. I hope that works, I'm just afraid once she moves out it's going to be impossible for her to keep noticing.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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TBC,
BTW you may shorten it. It has been my screen name forever; two of my favorite things. Maybe a bad choice for this forum, seeing if she finds this board she will recognize my name!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
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Good job, Rugby....

I would advise coolin' the love talk, though. I'll have to hunt around, but at one point, I had a great list of Do's and Don'ts for the BS. I got it from Marshmallow, I think, but it could've been recycled from someone previous. Anyways, one item was to mellow out on the "I love you" stuff. You can kind of make a WS "head for zee hillz", so to speak, with all of the sappy stuff. Now, I do have a recommendation for a letter to leave for her on move-out day, but we have some time before getting to that point....

Just try to meet her needs as best you can before she moves out. Do the laundry, fold it (correctly if possible), and put it away. Make dinner. Put gas in her car. Listen to her. Yeah, it's hard to think of acting that way when she's moving in a week, but suck it up and realize that you're not going to be doing it indefinitely.

I have thoughts on how to interact after she moves out, but that's kind of cart before the horse, so I'll probably just save it for later....

TBC










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Quote
As for a pastor or church members, they are supporting her. She belongs to a Wesleyan church, which has a large born-again following. The believe that anything that makes you stronger and closer to god is okay, even over the sanctity of marriage.

Do you go to this church as well? Is there a possible another OM at this church? Have you had a chat with the pastor or leaders of the church? There are certain christian principles and dogmas that are universal in christainity and the Ten Commandments come to mind.

In short is this information provided to you by your wife - if so - its time to get help from this minister or find out the truth of their stance. Methinks it is just a WW lie - not the first WW that thought G-D had given them permission.

Last edited by rwinger; 06/25/10 10:53 PM. Reason: spelling

Me:52
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1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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TBC,
You hit it dead on. I am doing the laundry and folding it her way; again she is mad that I didn't do it for all these years. I am making dinner, but she is working two jobs to pay for her independence and isn't home till nine most nights; but I make it when she is here. I try to talk to her about her day and stuff, but she clams up and doesn't say much. I am convinced she is trying to ignore all the things so she can stay justified in leaving.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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rwinger,
I do go to this church for the typical holidays, I am just not a religious person being a scientist. I have done many things over the years for the church, including building sets for their vacation bible school and Christmas plays. So I do know the people and their programs. They have a number of divorce help classes. As far as the support and prayer session, I know about those from snooping. She receives e-mails like "we support you and give you the strength to get through this", "you are prayed up every day", and "God will help you through these times". I have also seen her responses on facebook to people about the prayer/support circle after services with my wife and her friends. The problem is she has lots of divorced friends who think it is the best thing and are encouraging her to do it because it was so good for them. It makes it real tough for me to compete.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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BTW,
If you ever see their website, it is almost scary in their stances and how much the push their beliefs. They try to keep it as one big happy family and not let others into their lives with all the things they do as a church.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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TBC,
The other thing she says when I do all this stuff is why are you taking away my jobs, it's stressing me out. I simply explained that in a little while, I have to do it all and I am trying to prepare for that while you are still here to help if I forget something. Was that good or bad?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Let's see other things I am doing to change me:
Since last fall I have lost 43 pounds; 20 in the last 8 weeks. Stress is a wonderful thing!!! (he says ever so sarcastically)

I have started working out again (obviously)

I am walking the dog with her whenever we are home together; something she lamented we never did in the 3 years we've had him.

I am making dinners for her. Tonight her and my other son will both be home at the same time. So I am making dinner and will even attempt to bake a dessert!! Nothing fancy, but the effort counts.

I am complimenting her on her looks; or is that bad because it is touching on the relationship side?

I have dome repairs around the house that she has been asking about for years.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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She actually changed in front of me this morning; maybe TMI, but that to me is significant. I complimented her on her looks. We are sleeping in the same room, her on the couch and me in our bed 5 feet away. She was sleeping on the floor in the basement (because she said that's all she deserves, yeah, I know that's a red flag) but I talked her into sleeping upstairs. I even offered her the bed and told her I would take the couch.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Oh, I have also started going to bed at the same time as her and getting up earlier. Part of the new, healthier me. I feel great and like the way I have energy.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
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You can always change you...but you CAN'T CHANGE HER!!

Are you separating your finances when she leaves?

If you don't then good luck on trying to get her back frown

Sorry to say...but she WONT!

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Already in the works sapphire. Once the separation paperwork is in, she will be removed from all finances. She will be on her own for bills. She is working 2 jobs right now in anticipation of supporting herself.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Sapphire,
If it's too personal say so. As a FWW, what did it take for you to come back? Something I can work on or do after she's gone? Looking for strategies. Thanks


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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