Yes Tracy, you are like me, a caretaker and our H just have it all easy and we also allow them to lead a single's life while still living at home. My H was the same. He took full advantage and I set the bar so low he walked all over me and did despicable things.
They have to want to be with us. We can't make it so easy and comfortable for them and let them know that no matter what they chose all is fine for us because we do not count, they do.
No, no. You see, then they feel babied and they look for a woman that looks up to them and leave them in charge. They want to feel like men not like little kids.
You need to go into plan B and see if he comes to his senses, ifhe wants you, if he puts efforts in winning you back.
blessing

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, because you are meeting some of those needs for him while the OW meeting the rest of them, the only way to fix your situation is to go into a REALLY DARK PLAN B, people on here has said so plenty of times, don't wait till he moves out, plan B is not suppose to be in his "convenient" only YOURS! If he doesn't have a place to stay..so what? Is that your problem!? NO!

Stop taking care of him, and start your plan B like YESTERDAY!

Bears repeating.

ITA with Still and Saphire too.

We will be here Traci, so glad you posted agin.

I've noticed from your posts it seems like there's been an uptick in his drinking and partying. It sounds like he has replaced one of the "deadly three A's (affair, abuse, addiction)" with another.
His affair may be dead, but his addiction is alive and well. Of course he doesn't want a divorce. He's a high-functioning alcoholic at this point. He doesn't even remember what he says when he's drinking and he goes out most nights. This is not a marriage--you are enabling.
Plan B is not enough--he needs AA and you need Al-Anon, my friend.

H just mentioned laswt night that he has been drinking too much and hasn't had anything since Saturday night.

I have learned that you can have an affair and not necessarily with the OW. If you have to be with your friends all the time then that in itself becomes an affair because you ignore your marriage and that threatens your marriage.

I am going to have to give my H a choice either he works on the marriage because he doesn't want a divorce or I will file for a divorce. I need to protect myself.

Still hoping and praying.

So Traci,

You are not into a plan B type approach? Or are you just having a moment/day where you want it changed and right now?

Of course it is up to you to do what is best and you have to make the final judgement here.

Why don't you think that a Dark Plan B were he will have to do without you would not work towards restoration? Like I said we are here to understand and support you during that time. Most of all Dr H or his staff could help you both the most.

You work so hard and sacrificed so much already. Why not spend some $ with Dr H and go the distance. He wont let you be hurt and you can trust he will tailor recovery to the one willing to work at it.

We all need help sometimes. At least then you can say you went to the most successful MC in the country and your conscience is clear that you bent over backwards for the marriage, and know for sure inside that you deserve to recover.

Maybe you enabled him in some ways, shame on him for taking advantage of you, and you should be angry.

But what will really count is if you are able to show him that you are standing up for yourself but willing to recover if he snaps out of it. COMPLETLY. It could be his last chance as you go to plan B and recover yourself first.

I am afraid if you go to plan D that it will be so dramatic for you that it will hinder your personal recovery. You do seem the one more capable of sacrifice for the greater good and more likely to hurt over this.

As he doesn't want to take accountability for anything I believe he will do whatever it takes to get along. He wont really do any work to recover unless he comes to full accountability with someone making him, and no offense but you are just to nice for your own good. You need to put Dr H in charge of making him tow the line. This hurts you to much to make the right decisions.

If you let your emotions dictate what you do you and I know how scary that is. There are two things that could happen.

1. You could kick him out, get a restraining order, a divorce and tell yourself your all done with him.. That would make you feel better for the moment but you might cave when your desire to forgive and his pleading draws you back on the rollercoaster ride. You could stand by your convictions and force yourself reguardless to be done with him, but you will still go through grief either way. You are a caring person.

2. You can try to handle this all by yourself and accept less than what you deserve, and not make him do the work he needs to. Even if it means false recovery and coming back half-azz. Which will probably lead you back to where you are.

You need someone who will make him accountable and keep him on track, and will protect you from any bull he might sling. You need help from Dr H. because he does this for a living and has objectivity and is better at it than you are. I bet he would seek counsel if something happened to his health. Please consider this option so you will know for sure you gave it all and it was not just your version of "it all". Dr. H wont leave you hanging or advise you to put up with his behavior. He also has great insight and can help you recover no matter what happens with WH.


I don't believe he can't change, he won't as long as he is comfortable. Let the pain of separation from you in a Dark Plan B test whether he will get his poop together or not and do the work to win you back.

Im sorry you have to deal with his childness. It should be encouraging to know that you also have the power to bring in the proper authorities to set him straight, along with the consequences if he refuses, and its his loss Traci.

"Haste makes waste" my grandfather said. Its the emotional desparation that pushes us to make poor decsisions. I know you have given him time to get with the program and hes dropped the ball. I just think that you need the coach to step in here, Dr. H, and you need to both go to separate locker rooms so you BOTH can get some teaching in from him.

Wow what a corny metaphor, sorry about that.

Well that my advice, only you can decide.

God bless

How do you Plan B someone who won't move out?

I told him that if he didn't think it was fair to me about how things were then he should leave and he said he couldn't afford to move out. What am I to do? He doesn't want a divorce and he won't work on the marriage. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I told him that if he doesn't want a divorce then he should work on the marriage. He says he needs to move out and think about things. I told him that as soon as I got the money then I was going to file for divorce.

Can you get your WH to talk to the Harleys?

When he goes out change the locks?

I agree with scotty though, if he will talk to the harleys then its posible steve will tell him he should move out. Also Dr. H probably has 100 creative ways to get him on track or to move out.

I think I can get my H to talk to Steve. He did promise me thatif things didn't improve that he would talk to him. I would like him to talk to Steve at least once if not more.

Had talk with H this morning again. Told him that he knew that I really didn't want him to leave and that I didn't want a divorce but that I couldn't live like this any more. He thinks if he could move out that he could figure out what he wanted. told him that I couldn't have anything to do with him and he feels like that would hurt us not help us. I told him that I cannot be friends with some I love and want more than a friend because that wouldn't be fair to me and would hurt me. Toldn him that he was cake eating.

still hoping and praying.

Yes this is where many couples find themselves and Dr, H works to help them with great succsess. . You are right he is cake eating.He can't do things that destroy the marriage and hurt you and still expect your participation and happiness. while he does it.

Tracy, just be careful he is serious about talking with Steve and that he is not just going thru the motions. My WH used the session with Steve to do the exact contrary of what Steve was suggesting so instead of meeting my EN and allowing me to meet his he made sure to put up a wall and did not make any effort to meet my EN.
Sometimes when the WH is really convinced he wants out he can use advice to the detriment of the M by doing the exact contrary.
It is like teaching calorie counting to an anorexic person she will use it to eat even less especially if she has no intention to recover.
Steve is good but he can't convince someone who is totally gone. see how it goes with one session but make sure you observe your H's reactions closely.
Blessing

Boy, I think my H is really confused. In the wee hours of the morning H held my hand and kissed it then 5 minutes later told me he loved me. He remembers telling me because 5 minutes after that he made love to me and blew my mind! H still talking about moving out though but not as much. I really don't think he knows what he wants. I am still on my toes though. He even told me he was going to have OW number blocked from his phone to make sure she can't call or text him. Seems she still wants him back. She is out of luck because I'll make sure that won't happen and H says he never wants to go back there. He knows it was wrong and he realizes he didn't like it. It has taken him 6 months to finally realize everything. Now, hopefully with Steve's help things will finally start going forward.

Still hoping and praying.

There has been contact then? If not, why would he need to block her number after 6 months and how would he know that she still wants to be around him? This could explain his behaviour.

yes, she has contacted him that is why he is blocking her from his phone. At least he is letting me know what is going on and what he is doing to fix it. I read all her texts. This is on his work cell and his only cell. He is getting her blocked from it and I am getiing his 60yr secretary for the whole office to let me know that it is done. She is actually on my side.

still hoping and praying.

Traci the best way to work on recovery is when the couple are both seriuos and talk to Dr H. It is best if you stay in the same house and of course, there is no contact with OW.

I am happy for you that you had such a great emotional conection with your H recently. This is a good start. Grats.

As a layperson and without all the details about your sitch, I will just ask you a few questions that I think are important for your reovery.

1 Have you and H drafted a NC letter and sent it to OW? Stating what the NC letters approved by Dr H outline in detail?

2 Are you both prepared to follow Dr H instructions to build your marriage in as much detail as he can convey?

The details DO matter and I don't want you to experience a false recovery. That can lead to confusion and disappointment which might lead you to believe you have "Done all you could".

I hope you both go all in.


God bless Traci. You both deserve a great marriage and its certainly possible.

Well, I made it through the 1st anniversary of D-Day without any mishaps. I was worried that I was going to go off between June 30th thru July 5th. It helped that H was with me most of the time. I did work on the 30th. I was suppose to work July 1st and 2nd but the census was low in CVICU and I was on overtime those days. I've been on vacation since then. H has been doing well and everything is going well too. I wish things were better than they are but they are better.

Still hoping and praying.

Hope things go well for the end of this month because that is when s--t hit the fan and H left me and moved in with OW. That was more pain than I had ever felt in my life and never want to go through that again. If it wasn't for my friends at work and the doctors there I would have had a breakdown. They put me on medication and kept an eye on me. I owe them a lot. I now just hope everything is still going well and improving by the 25th with me and my H.

Still hoping and praying.

What besides all that hoping and praying is your plan?

Methinks you may need a plan....

{{Traci}}

Well, don't stay away. Ask for help. Reach out for support. You know we are here for you and we are pulling for you.