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I am committed to blowing this up big time. Next week after counseling, I am going to e-mail the document I put together of all her e-mails and texts to everyone I can think of. I put is all together in a word document and chronologically ordered it. Let everyone read it and see why our marriage ultimately failed. It is going to her mother (she probably won't read it), her brothers, and any of her friends I can get it to. Let them pressure her to stop the nonsense and do what is right!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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She took her mother down there in Nov. and stayed for 4 days once they got down there. Then she convinced my younger son to go down in Feb. for winter break, probably so she could see him. While down there she changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated" that is when I called her and we talked about her unhappiness. Then when she came back she probably kept contacting him and that is why she decided to leave me.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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She started reading Jimmy Buffet, because that is his lifestyle and she started watching the Stanley cup playoffs and texting him during the games. She never had such a big interest in hockey before. She would go up to our bedroom and watch them, and take her phone with her to text him. I wish I had seen the writing earlier and collected evidence from Feb. or even before until then. But I didn't start until after our counseling session on May 27th, when I woke up and started thinking and putting the facts together. Man was I blind!!!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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BTW,
The document is 10 pages of their writings. That should convince people! she even said in the beginning of June when I accused her of the emotional affair (after I read about it here) that she would end all contact with him and the other guy I accused her of (her softball coach). She stopped most contact with the coach, but not with Fla. POS. That's when I knew who she was attached to.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Key exposure targets are your sons. I know from personal experience - the only thing that burned the fog quickly was my sons' intervention.

Mothers do like the idea that their sons may think of them as another slut.

Kind of reminds me of my dad giving me a talk on my first date or prom (cant remember) when he told me to treat my girlfriend well because one day she will be someone's mother. Would you want to know that your mother was treated with respect and care when she was younger. Sounds old school I know but I passed it down to my sons.


Me:52
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Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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I want to mention this before it gets lost in the noise - not recommended to go plan B right when she leaves - wait for a couple of weeks when the newness and novelty wears off and she gets a bit lonely in her small apt. Plan A your butt off for two weeks to frost the cake and then send a letter and go into deep darkness; no contact and no needs are being met by you or family support.

Meanwhile dont expose yet - lets see what the POSOM has up his sleeve. Do not give your intel - stuff it until you get better proof. Drive-bys and visits by your sons will give you some intel. there is more but for now - hold on to your information. there is too much denialibility and you will be painted as a jealous nut/

Your exposure will need to a single nuclear exposure - a surprise to the waywards. Best scenario is to wait until POSOM commits to a visit to NY or just when he arrives. I am betting the temptation is going to be too much and will attempt it. She is leaving to make herself available for him and/or others.

Important to expose this to the church if need be.

Use logic and data as your weapons like any good scientist would

Last edited by rwinger; 06/29/10 12:57 AM.

Me:52
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As long as you have proof, exposure is a must. A MUST.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Putting the cart before the horse. Forget that letter you where trying to write a few pages back.

Expose today, now. Do not wait till she leaves. The pressure from exposure may cause this affair to end before she is due to leave.

However I believe this is a PA. WW has been to Florida several times to see OM.

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Okay, this is my thinking. I want to wait until next week. Gather as much info as I can until she moves, maybe she will slip and talk about a visit. Plus she is a Swedish redhead, as stubborn as they come. She will not stay, she will move out anyways, she has already paid the rent. I think she needs time away to realize what she is giving up and missing. I think she needs time for people to react to her infidelity. Then if she comes back she will be ready to try. If she never leaves, she'll never really know what she is missing. What are everyone's thoughts?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Plus it gives me time to work on the house and do the things that have irritated her for so long. If she comes back she can see the house as my commitment to the new us.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Okay, so it didn't work out that way. I called the religious counselor and tried to talk to her. She said I should talk to wife and wouldn't talk to me. She hung up on me. I informed her of POS in Fla. I will bet she calls her and tells her of my phone call before I finish typing this. Well let's see what happens.

Last edited by awokenhubby; 06/29/10 07:47 AM.

ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Just spoke with wife about dog meds, she didn't say anything about counselor yet. Still thing she will call wife before she gets out of work.


ME: 48
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Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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A-wok...

Not quite awake yet, my friend.

If you have pages and pages of stuff between WW and OM, then expose this NOW!

Include in your list of people to expose to her friends form church, the pastor, the adviser she has been working with, the MC if you guys have already met with him/her before, her mother, your sons, and anyone else you can think of who would support her all the way to divorce if you are the bad guy she has been painting you to be but would be sorely disappointed to find out she was cheating.

The ONLY weapon you have that can turn the tide is exposure. Use it before the battle is lost and she is entrenched in a lifestyle of trailer parks and sunsets...

You have the bomb. Blow it up!

BTW, OM isn't what you need to fight and neither is WW. You need to fight the affair. The affair is a fantasy and reality is the weapon that destroys it. Remember that as you fight the battle.

You don't have to make OM less attractive, he is already pond scum and proof that Darwin couldn't possibly be right. You don't have to convince your wife she is acting like a love sick school girl, she already knows that and is enjoying it to the hilt.

What you need to do is dispel the idea that she will ever live a fantasy life of fun and games, walking on the beach with OM, who will not be able to support her into her old age and will likely not be able to leave her anything when she is gone. At the same time, she has no history to fall back on with OM and so THAT asset is in your side of the ledger, though you have to overcome the debits on your side to make it of any value (kill the Love Busters whatever they might be).

Make married to YOU a better choice than a fantasy that does not exist by revealing the fantasy for what it is, simply smoke and mirrors with no substance and at the same time demonstrate your value to her by becoming the man of her dreams.

Mark

PS: EXPOSE NOW!

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If you have pages and pages of stuff between WW and OM, then expose this NOW!

That's what I'm puzzled about - why are you waiting until after some counseling session that is a week away? This is critical! You need to expose this now!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Well, I did expose it to her religious counselor. I am meeting with her friend the softball coach tonight. I am going to a graduation party where more of her church friends are. I am trying to get a hold of her brothers by phone and want to e-mail them the document. I have already told her mother, she just refuses to believe it. Maybe I will send her the document, but I suspect she will just delete. I am not sure about telling my sons. That could really destroy their relationship with her and leave permanent scars.


ME: 48
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D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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awoke, you really need to expose to everyone! Not one person here, one person there....just send it all in an email or facebook.....

and with telling your boy's? I really think they need to know the truth, hiding the truth and telling them lies are only going to teach them.....to hide the truth and lie, is that what you want to teach your boys?? I hope not frown

I know it will devastate your wife, but doing this your boys will feel like adults knowing that you could go to them and tell them what is going on in the marriage, they will feel more important, then just another person to lie to and hide the lies. And I know you don't want that to happen. So they need to know, they don't need to know the details of the conversation, but they do need to know that their mom is having an EA with some other man.

There are threads out there with this same situation, and what I have read they said it was good that their kids knew exactly what was going on, it worked on their behalf.

I'm sorry you are here, but if my kids were old enough (they are only 4 and 2) I would want them to know the truth about my EA's.


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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Well, I did expose it to her religious counselor. I am meeting with her friend the softball coach tonight. I am going to a graduation party where more of her church friends are. I am trying to get a hold of her brothers by phone and want to e-mail them the document. I have already told her mother, she just refuses to believe it. Maybe I will send her the document, but I suspect she will just delete. I am not sure about telling my sons. That could really destroy their relationship with her and leave permanent scars.

You are trickling out your exposure. This could backfire on you. Expose needs to happen all at once. To do it piecemeal or when you run into someone gives the affairees a heads-up on what you're doing and allows them time to spin the exposure.

Your children need to know the truth. And they are more than likely your best exposure targets. That is the exposure that will put the most pressure on your WW.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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It should come out to most everyone by the end of the day. I will tell the boys. What do I say to her? Do I still do plan A? Do I still give her the move out letter? Obviously it needs to be completely reworded. Probably won't be on for a few hours. Need to go for a bike ride to release energy and calm down. Riding until exhaustion really helps! And it's great for me improving my physical image for the wife to see what she will be missing!!


ME: 48
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You don't need to say anything to her unless she confronts you, then your mantra becomes I am doing whatever is necessary to save and protect our family. She won't buy that and will likely be extremely angry. They ALL react this way. That tells you that you hit a bullseye with your exposure. No matter how angry she gets or how she reacts, you remain cool, calm and collected and stick with you are doing what is necessary to protect your family/marriage. Got it? She will likely spew venom and tell you it's REALLY over now, you've done it now buster, but remember... they ALL say that. It's in the rule book for waywards.

You are not doing this to be vindictive but to kill the affair. Continue your plan A for a couple of weeks and then BAM you go into a deep, dark, Plan B. Your WW thinks that you guys can remain friends once she moves out but that won't be the case. That's called cake-eating. Your Plan B letter will disavow her of that notion.

Remember... your mantra is you are doing whatever is necessary to save your family.

As far as telling the boys, tell them the truth... that mom is having an inappropriate relationship with another man. There is no shame in that for you, the shame will be on her. A heavy dose of reality, I might add.

Good job on the exposure... it needs to be done all at once in one day. Don't back down whatever she says. Okay? We've heard it all. There are former waywards here that will tell you that exposure was the best thing their betrayed spouse did for their marriage.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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This is very true, your wife will be VERY ANGRY! These were the words I kept repeating to my husband after he exposed my EA on Facebook....

"I might have ruined the marriage, but YOU ended! I want a Divorce, I never want to see you or speak to you!"

I said this over and over while screaming, and punching him. smile

GOOD LUCK!

The good news about that though....is we are 5 months in recovery, and I am very very happy that my husband exposed me! smile

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