I understand that you are surviving affairs on this forum...and, hopefully, you will be able to help me with my problem. I suppose I am the WW in this situation-- though no physical affair has occurred. I am trying desperately to get a handle on my emotions and body which seem to be betraying me-- wanting someone that I should not want. BH has been my only boyfriend and lover; we've been together for well over a decade (since I was a teenager).

I am now in my 30s and just last year I recently discovered-- or was run over, rather-- by this attraction for this man (BH friend). Along with the attraction came a newfound zest for sexual intimacy; I am practically insatiable (when before sex was more for BH than me). Thankfully, I've managed to explore this-- physically-- only with BH. The reason I call myself WW is because emotionally and in my fantasies, I can't escape what I feel. I want to "be in recovery" NOW before I ruin my family (2 young children) and break BH's heart. It's been a year and 3 months that I have been thinking about OM everyday. I'm not impulsive, I am a very serious person, and I'm trying to "wait it out" until the lust goes away. It's not going away. And the more he tells me about himself and I relate to him/empathize with him...I feel that I love him.

I hope you're not offended that I posted here. I didn't see where else I fit in...and I thought that perhaps I could help you get an insight into "the other side" and vice versa. I truly don't want to harm my spouse. I feel like BH is my kindred spirit; I feel like OM is my soulmate. Last year, I told BH that I had developed feelings for another man since Dr. Harley recommends honesty. (I didn't say who OM was.) BH was disappointed but he told me "these things" (attractions to other people) are going to happen; I just shouldn't sleep with him. He says we can work it out--except if I sleep with him (whoever he is), we won't be able to work it out.

...I don't really know what you could say. How can you help me stop my feelings (which I seem to have little control over)? I thought about talking to OM about this but my sibling told me not to do so (as this would be a betrayal to my husband). I feel terribly constricted not being able to "get this off of my chest"/release my emotions.

Hello Fullmoon. I am new to the boards and I am not sure if you are in the right place but I wanted to give some advise any way.

You should stop all contact physically, verbally, internet, written with this other man. To this point you have been strong but this is and has gotten out of hand. PLEASE if you value your relationship RUN.

I would also suggest you get the book His needs Her needs and READ it NOW. This will help you learn how to have your needs met by the correct person instead of looking in the direction you feel you are being pulled.


I am sure that very soon the "experts' of the boards will be here to offer support and suggestions.

I'm glad you came here before you totally destroyed your family. You are welcome to post here, and if you're sincere about saving your marriage, you will get lots of help.

I'm glad you haven't been physically unfaithful, but you are having an emotional affair with this man.

The only way to resolve your feelings is by having no more contact with this man. No talking to him, no text messaging, no emailing, no ANYTHING! Your sibling is right; you should NOT talk to this man about your feelings, because it is likely that he will use those feelings to push you into a sexual affair.

Tell your husband who the man is. Tell him that you need to never see or speak to this man again. If this man is seeking you out without your husband around, he is NO FRIEND to your husband.

You will need to write a NC letter that your husband approves and sends.

Read everything on this site, and ask your husband to read it, too. You should read the following books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. You can order this from this site or you can find them on Amazon or in bookstores. Your public library may have them, as well.

Oh...and as for your libido, women usually reach their peak sexuality in their 30s, so your newfound zest probably can't be attributed totally to the OM. And, BTW, there really is no such thing as a "soulmate".

fullmoon, the way you stop your feelings for the OM is to end all contact and expose the affair. Your husband and the OM's wife have a right to know all about your affair. Your parents, children and close friends should know too.

After a period of withdrawal your feelings for the OM will fade. But just like a falling down drunk you must first stay out of the bar and stop drinking.


Well, that is not honest. You lied to him about this affair and then cruelly withheld the name of the OM. He has a right to know everything, most especially the OM's name. To withhold this information is cruel and manipulative.


Actually, you need our "insight." We don't need yours. Your "insight" is leading to the destruction of 2 marriages. Not much valuable to learn there. And yes, you do want to harm your spouse. You know that adultery is cruel and harmful or you wouldn't be lying about it.

p.s. fullmoon, if you are here to save your marriage and end your filthy affair, you are in the right place. Folks will be willing to help you. But we won't help you continue this crime against your husband and the OM's wife. If that is your goal, you are in the wrong place.

Fullmoon, if you're serious, you'll tell your husband the full story of your emotional attachment to this other man. That includes honesty with respect to important facts (most importantly, who the OM is). The reason you have not revealed this crucial info to your H so far is that you have wanted to find a way to keep the illicit emotional affair alive; and I think that even in your foggy, addicted state, you probably can begin to realize that having your husband know the identity of the other man who's horning in on his marriage will make it much harder to keep your affair going.

I know what I'm talking about, fullmoon. See, I cheated on my wife. Back when it was still "only" an emotional affair, I was having qualms about where I could see things going, and I almost confessed to my wife one evening about the feelings I was having for OW. But I held back. And so many times, I have wondered, would that have killed my affair back before it became physical? Well, I'll never know, because I blew it, tried to keep the secret, tried to control my feelings, tried to have my cake & eat it too. Went all the way to rock-bottom. And almost trashed my marriage, my family, everything. And while I was at it, I did help to ruin another man's marriage, and that feels like hell, even though I've been lucky as hell in that my wife has been the most understanding & forgiving person I've ever met.

Bottom line: If you're serious about wanting to end this addiction, you'll tell your H everything & establish that accountability with the person who matters most. Otherwise, you're fooling yourself, if you think you can pull out of this on your own. Trust me.

GloveOil, if I may make a small but important correction: we did trash our marriages.

Fullmoon, you are in no frame of mind yet to appreciate the devastation infidelity causes. And you know what? It only gets worse as more time passes. It is more time that you are dishonest with your BS, it is more time that your BS (and you!) is deprived of a M they should rightfully have. It is pain compounded - it is so much more to overcome. The lies build, the deceit becomes embedded, the marriage grows more and more tainted and strained.

So many of us would give anything to turn back the clock. Please, do not let any more time pass with this affair festering in your marriage. It may trash it...but you may be able to still save it.

Thank you for your prompt responses.

I am grateful that you are willing to offer your thoughts...and a "swift kick in the butt" as needed. I have been *trying* to manage this on my own but have been unsuccessful so far.

OM is not married.

Pass, Clueless, and Melody...you are correct about me cutting off all communication. It seems like such a simple and obvious solution. I tried it for a stretch of 3 months. Begrudgingly. Then he called me because he needed my advice for something. I was all too willing and eager to help. I was relieved to be talking to him again.

I hadn't mentioned OM's name for two reasons:
1. Yes, the "cake and eat it, too"...and I rationalied that it can't be the worse thing in the world since "nothing happened" (OM and I have crossed no lines...we haven't even discussed "us").
And
2. I don't want to ruin their friendship...when he hasn't done anything wrong. If I say his name I will be the blame for their friendship falling apart (and what if this all subsides and I destroyed it for nothing). <-- That's what I was telling myself.

I have wondered if I should hurt BH by telling him the name when I know he is already *somewhat* competitive with this guy. BH tells me that this guy is envious of what we have and wants this sort of relationship for himself.

Glove, thank you for your perspective...it sounds like you were going through precisely the same thing.

If you all still think I should tell BH his name, I will.

I am sincere...and I will fix this.

Thank you so much.

fullmoon

Glad you are here. You know that great help for you is only a phone call away. Please call the Harley's to help you and your BH have the marriage you both deserve.

Sad that you know that NC is a must and honesty also. Your BH must know who the OM is. This is the only way your BH can eliminate OM from his and your lives.

NC is needed for the both of you. Your BH should not tell OM that you want to bang him, rather just decline opportumities to socialize so their friendship dies.

Fullmoon,
Start to read some of the articles on this site about how affairs start and how to stop them.....don't hurt your husband like this.....I'm a BS and I can tell you I have many days when I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest.....I don't trust anymore, what I believed in is all gone now......It's just a crappy place to be to always wonder about what they are doing and with whom......why put someone you love through this kind of pain.....needlessly, this is completely avoidable......
You are in what they call affair fog, this is where you lose all your common sense and even go against your morals......and somehow you convince yourself that you are entitled to feel love from someone other than your husband.......
Do you think you have the right to hurt your husband and your family.....and then tear someone else's life apart for something so selfish.......you!!!
Can you live with hurting your husband on purpose because that's what it would be.....leave him if you must and you are not happy but remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's just grass......
No Contact in anyway, shape or form with the Om......look at your husband and re-build all your feelings for him....be thankful for a great life and man.....don't make life miserable for you or your husband........for What?

Jess, No I don't think I can live with myself if I hurt BH and ruin (what appears to outsiders looking in to be) the ideal marriage. BH holds me in the highest esteem. I know I am fortunate.

I was searching my brain to figure out how I could feel what I feel. (I am usually so good at thwarting men who approach me-- rarely giving them a second-glance.) In OM's case, I didn't even remember him the first time we met. OM hung around us for 2 years (that I can remember) before I paid attention to him. But once I did see him, I *really* saw him.

OM is not someone I think about "replacing" BH with. At this point. OM is tough, reckless, exciting...but then talks to me about his life and seems compelling, emotional, boundless. This is the primary attraction. BH is just happy... happy all the time, uncomplicated, and easy. When we met, BH was reckless and exciting-- he challenged me. BH has adjusted to his responsibilities as a father and husband perfectly.

Vanilla, I know I am not in the right "mindframe"...even as I am considering this "emotional" affair...in some ways, it's still not *real* to me because "nothing happened". Hopefully, when I get out of this place, I will be able to look back and see how far I had gone with this. That's why I am here to help give me perspective...reinforcement.

Glove, thank you again...as it sounds like you were trying to handle this on your own like me. I am prepared to tell BH today (well, not "prepared"...I'll just close my eyes and blurt it out).

I just need clarification on one part of this: Is it wrong of me to ruin their friendship if OM has not done anything wrong? At most he flirts lightly, makes unnecessary sexual references (that my ears seem to pick up like antennae)...but overall fairly harmless. He's never directly told me anything about "us" and once in awhile he has said things to push me away.

I could tell BH his name today. OR I could just make a commitment to never hang around them when they're together. As BS which would you prefer that your WS have done?

From what you just shared, I think that OM is deliberately pushing your buttons, and because you haven't shut it down with some healthy boundaries, he feels free to continue.

You already mentioned that he's competitive with your husband so my thinking is that since you haven't told him the flirty stuff is wrong, he's pushing for more and more.

You and your husband together need to shut that down. You need to see that OM is not innocent as you portray him to be and he's more than willing to try to betray your husband. Your husband needs to know and the two of you need to develop some healthy boundaries, starting with him seeing his "best friend" and you seeing this guy for who he really is. A guy who would flirt with his best friend's wife aka this is not the behavior of an innocent man!

"I just need clarification on one part of this: Is it wrong of me to ruin their friendship if OM has not done anything wrong? At most he flirts lightly, makes unnecessary sexual references (that my ears seem to pick up like antennae)...but overall fairly harmless. He's never directly told me anything about "us" and once in awhile he has said things to push me away."

This OM is working you so he can get into your pants. Wake UP!

"I could tell BH his name today. OR I could just make a commitment to never hang around them when they're together. As BS which would you prefer that your WS have done?"

It's not what one prefers, it's what is right.

What is right for NC for you and the OM. NC for your BH and the OM because BH does not need a man for a friend that is trying to bang his wife. Does he?

You are doing everything you can here to sabotage NC.

Why?

Because secretly you want the OM to nail you.

Your BH must be aremed with the truth so he can protect himself and his marriage from you and the OM.

Tell your BH that the OM is not his friend but is the guy that you what to bang.

Just want to avoid t/j another thread where you said:


You've ALREADY interfered with their friendship. Sorry - already done, cat's out of the bag, milk has been spilt. Just because your husband doesn't know about it yet doesn't change the fact that the friendship is already ruined. To lie by omission is to compound the interference and abuse.

What Vibrissa said. Exactly.

Fullmoon, your H & OM wouldn't be friends in the first place if you gave your H the minimal courtesy of being truthful with him.

fullmoon,

I've been in your BH's shoes. I feel for him. I strongly suggest you counsel with the Harleys.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

This guy you are having an A with is NOT a friend of either of you. There is NO friendship. This POSOM is a snake who has positioned himself to take advantage of both of you. Deep inside you know the image you've made of this OM is just a fantasy.

Do what's right and warn your BH about this serious threat. Otherwise your M will be practically doomed to fail.

--ElCamino72

I promise, if you were 400 lbs, mean as a shrew and pushing 90 he wouldn't be doing these things.

He also wouldn't persist if you didn't give him a response: a suggestive arch of brow, a secret smile, a 'friendly' touch...

He wants in your panties, and you have been thinking of dropping them....

How has the friendship between him and your husband NOT been damaged already?

You need to change your way of thinking about this. Think this way: "My M is my No. 1 Priority. Is it wrong for me to allow a situation to exist that could damage my M?" You'll have your answer.

Nothing - nothing - should be allowed to threaten your M. Any hint of a danger to your M must be promptly and vigorously weeded out of your life and eliminated in order to safeguard your M. In this case, the friendship with your H and OM needs to end. It is a threat to your M.

Another threat to your M is your dishonesty. Come completely clean with your H about this EA. You also need to eliminate all association with OM. For Life. You will need to write him a NC letter explaining to him that you will never see or communicate with him again. Your H needs to read it, approve it, and mail it.

You then need to start rebuilding your M. Read everything here.

I don't think you realize right now the huge bullet you've dodged by coming here. You've made a good first step.

What is your H like? Why do you enjoy this OM company more?
Bring this to your awareness and see what drives you to OM. If it is only sex, then it is a simple answer, however if your H is negletting you then you need to address this and mend your M.
Blessing

Ditto everything she said. I misread your intial post and thought this was an actual affair. I see now it is not!