Fullmoon,

Wouldn't the best possible future consist of having a romantic love with your husband? My H and I are not there right now (My H had a ONS and a 8-9 month A), but both of us hope to be. It is possible by using marriagebuilder's techniques.

One of the first things you should do is follow the advice on this thread and tell your H about your feelings for this OM. You are not destroying a friendship. This OM is no friend to either your H or your M. Friends do not maked sexually suggestive comments to their friends' wives. Cut this man out of your life, read the material here, read Dr. Harley's books and fall back in love with your H. You have come to the right place for help to do this.

Best wishes.

AM

There's a good chance that OM's intentions are more related to a sly competition with your BH. OM might not even care that much about you other than using you as a piece of a sick game.

You came to the right place to rescue your M. Listen to what the experienced folks here have to say. Tell your BH about your feelings for OM. Establish NC forever. Try your best to learn the MB tools to steer your M into a loving relationship. Get His Needs, Her Needs soon and read it with your H.

--ElCamino72

Fullmoon, once you tell your DH the truth, you might want to share this site with him. He may want to start his own thread because he will probably need our help too.

You've already betrayed your DH because in your mind you've lusted after OM and fantasized about sleeping with him FOR A LONG TIME. This wasn't just a one time deal, you've nurtured this fantasy and let it grow. You say you've admitted this partially to your DH but I'd be willing to bet he has no idea how intense your feelings have become for this OM.

OM is NO FRIEND to your marriage and he is certainly not a BEST FRIEND to your DH. Your DH needs to know that there is an enemy in the camp.

Come clean with DH before you damage your marriage beyond repair. Then bring him here.

You guys have no sympathy for me. Geez. J/k. <-- Just trying to lighten my mood...as I have some serious business to tend to tonight. Spurred on by your encouragement... or insistence...I will tell him tonight when I get home. In the meantime, I will read about the NC letter.

BH knows that I am a "serious" person and if I say I have feelings for someone, I really mean that. But, I did mention the "feelings" to BH several times...but that was months ago. BH may think that it has passed. And, I certainly, never led him in the direction of his friend. I "hypothesized" with BH that "Let's just say it's someone I met at work". BH, then, took that to mean it was someone I met at work. BH asked me for a name which I refused to give him at the time.

Well, I will let you know what happens after I tell him. I'm not looking forward to it. I AM looking forward to renewing and fortifying my marriage.

Study up on boundaries - great book by Townsend and Cloud by that name.

It will help you and your husband together protect your marriage.

Fullmoon,

This PREDATOR has been envious of what your husband has and has slowly been working you to try and steal you from your husband. Your husband needs to be woken up to what kind of dbag this OM is, trying to push all your right buttons to get into your pants. That's all OM is, a predator, and opportunist. He sees something he wants, and he doesn't care whose lives he has to ruin to get it. The way you end this thing is to tell everything to your BH. That way he can protect you from this OM because you obviously can't do it yourself. You also need to improve your boundaries. Normally, you are good at guys approaching you. Your weakness is friends of you BH and you let your guard down. Keep the same boundaries to friends of your BH as you would with any random guy in a bar.

Then once you and your BH get through this, you can use the MB program to figure out what OM was giving you, that your husband may have been lacking in. He can learn to meet your needs even better, and you meet his better.

I know the good folks on this board mean very well and some are experts, but in your case I would not tell BH till I speak with Steve Harley. You have not had a full blown A and there might be another way Steve can suggest to you. He might very well tell you to tell you H and go NC with OM, but it is worth hearing his opinion as he is an expert.
Again your situation is a little different from most in the way that usually a WS does not stop herself for a year and a half to start an A where she actually sees OM in flesh and bones. FB EA affairs can go on for years, but you have a lot of will power.
I would talk to Steve before telling your H anything....
My 2 cents
blessing

Read this again, fullmoon. Because this is really what it boils down to. Envy. Greed. OM is a dirtbag predator for even making vague sexual references to you in any way.

I would never suggest that a poster not speak with Steve, but I can't imagine him counselling her to continue covering this up. That's obviously not working for her.

Also, there is a thread of dishonesty running through fullmoon's posts that concerns me. Not that she's being dishonest with us - just the opposite. Fullmoon appears to be a basically honest person. But there is a climate of dishonesty surrounding her M that needs to end. Disclosure of this EA will blow some O&H into her M.

Afterwards, sure - I think it would be a great idea for fullmoon and her H to counsel with the Harleys and comb this website to restore their M.

I had a situation somewhat similar to yours, except mine involved a coworker. My coworker was engaging in intimate conversation with me and my husband was not. I began to have feelings for my coworker and noticed my behavior was becoming inappropriate. For example, I was responding to my coworker's attention with my own love languages...

This went on for 6 months.

I had hinted for a bit to my husband. Finally, I came right out and said what was happening. I didn't really look foward to it, but my "confessing" to my husband was actually a good experience for both of us, not something to be feared.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't build the disclosure to your husband in your head. You don't know how your husband is going to take this new information.

I am not sure what Steve will suggest she does but he for sure will not encourage her to be dishonest. He might suggest her to approach disclosure to her H in a specific way given that this guy is "best friends" with H...you do not want best friend and H to gang up against fullMoon and call her a wh@re. OM, if confronted by H, will say that fullMoon was all interested in him and that by no means he has ever given a thought about having an A with her. Since BH will be angry at FullMoon he will most likely believe OM...
We do not want OM to keep face and fullMoon to lose it and anger her H beyond repair.
blessing

I LOVE THAT!

That just show's you how an open and honest marriage, can actually HELP! No matter how scared you are!

Atena,

Please take a look at Dr. Harley's comments about this topic in his book "Lovebusters". In one of the chapters (Resolving Conflicts Over Friends and Relatives), he talks about "a problem develops in marriage when you like your spouse's friend too much". He then talks about failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. "Many affairs in the making can be safely sidetracked with honesty".

Keeping secrets is harmful to the M. This secret has to have been effecting the M and the H probably does not know what exactly is wrong or how to repair it.


AM

Reason for edit: It took me a long time to find the reference.

Aetna,
It seems as if you are speculating on H's response. Was there something I missed in fullmoon's posts that makes it seem as though H would chose to believe OM's comments bersus Fullmoon's?

So your husband ASKED you who it was because he feels he has the right to know. Read what you wrote again. Do you see how cruel it sounds? I suspect you told him as little as possible not because you want to be honest but because you are trying to clear your conscience.

Did you tell your husband everything?

What???? Where are you getting this? This is totally an assumption based on ????

I am CERTAIN that Steve H would counsel her to be 100% honest. What other "specific way" could there be? I don't understand this advice.

Sure, calling the coaching center is always a good idea but I don't think there's any other "specific way" to approach this other than with 100% truthfulness.

I agree with princess. If FM is serious about her marriage there's no reason to try to save face. The damage is done and open honesty is the only thing that's going get things going in the right direction. OM will be out of the picture after FM discloses to BS if they follow NC. No reason to consider what OMs reaction to this might be at all unless he's some kind of homocidal maniac.

Only my opinion, but respectfully, I think Atena's advice is off-the-mark. It's speculating on whether fullmoon's infatuation with OM is requited, but so what? What's beyond dispute is that she's been hiding the true situation from her H by concealing the OM's identity. The very last thing fullmoon needs is another faux excuse to keep him in the dark any longer. Her infatuation needs to be exposed to the person whose knowledge of it is most likely to be effectual in keeping her accountable, preventing further damage to the marriage, and setting them on a course to repair it.

Keeping my own wife in the dark when I had a momentary pang of conscience midway through my EA (before I took it PA) ranks equally with any of the worst decisions I ever made during the full course of my affair. Fullmoon needs to tell him asap, IMHO.

Agreed

Atena, Thank you for expressing your alternative opinion. While that is a much more palatable course of action to me (as it would buy me more time *lol), if the eventual outcome will be full disclosure I might as well bite the bullet.

Inrecoverynow, I have hinted at little things along the way, as well...but not quite so brave as to just "come out with it". As I mentioned previously, when I first met my husband he was exciting and challenging to me (a bit too much at the time...but I like a good challenge)...well, I am not too eager to reverse his good behavior with a disclosure that might push him completely in the wrong direction. He's so good to me...but men have pride. I don't know how he's going to react.

Then again, I can't be this person who has to "be secretive" and "dishonest by omission"...no matter what the fallout may be.

Luckily, I still have quite a few hours before I have to go home and face him.

One other thing, I read the info. about the NC letter in Coping with Infidelity Part 2: How Should Affairs End? and it seems like a bit of an overkill. My husband would never agree to send such a letter. In fact, he would probably not want the man to know that he even has effected me so much. Did you all send these NC letters? I agree with the exposure but not the NC.

FM. I think your missing the point. Are you assuming that your H would contiue this friendship after he finds out what this man and you have been doing? Make no mistake, the NC letter is one of the EPs you MUST put in place in order to ensure protection of your marriage. BOUNDARIES!