|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
One other thing, I read the info. about the NC letter in Coping with Infidelity Part 2: How Should Affairs End? and it seems like a bit of an overkill. My husband would never agree to send such a letter. In fact, he would probably not want the man to know that he even has effected me so much. Did you all send these NC letters? I agree with the exposure but not the NC. Umm I wouldnt speak for your husband yet. I was very complacent in my marriage even when she was telling me she was thinking about seperating. WHen I found out about the A I had a fire lit in my but and in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS did I want her near the OM. So 1- your husband needs to decide and mail it. Even if he doesnt YOU should write it and mail it and tell him. Otherwise you will NEVER be able to recover. You have to close off those paths of contact in your mind. THEN you will have a chance. Your husband needs to understand that his friend is NOT an innocent victim. He was part ofthis and I guarantee if you hook the OM onto a polygraph that he will tell you a different story. BTW YOU should consider taking a poly for your husband to PROVE there was no physical affair. The more you do to PROVE there is transparency and NC the easier recovery is.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658 |
My husband would never agree to send such a letter. In fact, he would probably not want the man to know that he even has effected me so much. Did you all send these NC letters? I agree with the exposure but not the NC. I wouldn't assume anything when it comes to your husband's reaction. For all you know your husband may suspect his friend is attracted to you but then dismisses it as thinking crazy. Your husband may have seen him engage in sleazy behavior with women and put it all together.
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I agree.... when you say "My husband would never agree" I think in your mind your thinking that you "HOPE" he says this. In reality, he will agree 110% to the NC letter 
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 06/30/10 12:11 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212 |
Most likely OM will accuse you of constantly hitting on him while he was ignoring your approaches. That's what happenned in my case.
Your BH is going to be confused and disoriented. He may see this as a double betrayal. Your job is to assure him through your actions that you're willing to do anything to protect him from your weakness.
Be prepared that BH is going to ask you WHY. The answer to that question is crucial. Under no circumstances imply that you did it because he wasn't meeting your EN or give excuses. Just take responsibility of your weak boundaries. When he asks you WHAT happenned tell him the facts. Be completely honest.
He's going to need help. Get counseling from the Harleys for both of you.
--ElCamino72
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987 |
fullmoon, just to (re)state the obvious here:
Like ElC said, your BH is going to ask why. He will likely ask for other details, as well, either now or at some point in the future, (or all of the above).
DO NOT LIE.
Be wary, as you are engaging/have engaged in self-deception already. Do your best to give honest (radical, NOT brutal) answers, even if you think they will hurt your BH, hurt your chances of recovery, seem unnecessary... Be honest with yourself, be honest with your BH.
Get things off on the right foot by committing to complete openness and honesty from here on out.
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS
Now, be completely 100% honest with your H.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212 |
fullmoon,
In the long run, you won't regret disclosing this situation to your BH. It's going to help him tremendously if you do it right.
Start the conversation with a simple and direct statement. Avoid any preamble and just say it. "BH, I need to tell you something important. I have romantic feelings for OM" (vets, please help rephrase this if necessary)
Do not to soften the message by saying things like "I didn't try to hurt you" or ask for immediate forgiveness. Own your behavior.
You need to listen to his reaction, as hard as it can be, without justifications. Stay away from arguing or dancing around the issue. Keep in mind that this conversation is about him and the actions YOU are taking to recover your marriage.
Showing remorse and empathy to his pain will go a long way. More importantly, put emphasis on the precautions you're willing to take to prevent this from happening again.
--ElCamino72
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
The more I am sitting here thinking about this and the closer I'm getting to going home for the evening, the more *anxious* I am becoming. I just can't imagine BH wants to know this stuff. I don't want him to be disoriented and feel a double-betrayal. If it were me, I'd want to have a chance to protect my M. Okay.
Okay, I just need to remain calm.
I do love my husband. I don't want to hurt him. My husband doesn't even believe in EM. He only gets upset if he thinks I want to sleep with someone (which, up until this point, I could honestly deny and calm him down). And it's going to be difficult to be 100% honest about this whole thing without revealing that I have thought about that. I know that's what he's going to ask me first. Then, he's going to explode..... Okay. Alright, I shouldn't assume.
Sorry, I became nervous for a minute.
Thanks, everyone, for helping *push* me in the direction I knew (in the back of my mind) that I needed to go.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
The more I am sitting here thinking about this and the closer I'm getting to going home for the evening, the more *anxious* I am becoming. I just can't imagine BH wants to know this stuff. I don't want him to be disoriented and feel a double-betrayal. If it were me, I'd want to have a chance to protect my M. Okay.
Okay, I just need to remain calm.
I do love my husband. I don't want to hurt him. My husband doesn't even believe in EM. He only gets upset if he thinks I want to sleep with someone (which, up until this point, I could honestly deny and calm him down). And it's going to be difficult to be 100% honest about this whole thing without revealing that I have thought about that. I know that's what he's going to ask me first. Then, he's going to explode..... Okay. Alright, I shouldn't assume.
Sorry, I became nervous for a minute.
Thanks, everyone, for helping *push* me in the direction I knew (in the back of my mind) that I needed to go. So what if he explodes. Would that be the worst thing to have to endure for 15 minutes? Or you could keep avoiding conflict for the next 30 years. How's that working out for you? It wouldn't because within another 6 months you'll be sleeping w/ OM if you don't tell your husband. Tell him you want to sleep with OM. Let it all out. It will be theraputic, and I guarantee your BH will never let you near OM again.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Take a look at This *LINK* What "step" do you think you are on? You might want to print out the steps before you disclose yourself to your H. You can use the steps to help H understand the process. Good luck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
Would that be the worst thing to have to endure for 15 minutes? Or you could keep avoiding conflict for the next 30 years. How's that working out for you? It wouldn't because within another 6 months you'll be sleeping w/ OM if you don't tell your husband. Tell him you want to sleep with OM. QFT. There are almost NO barriers left to this happening. If you keep talking to him eventually the last few will erode away. Maybe its alcohol, a bad day, or you ate too much cheesecake. Ask any of the FWW around here. When they started talking to the OM it wasnt about SF. Eventually the rationalizing came then it just happened. The link you got about the steps to infidelity is huge. You can read yourself in there.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212 |
I also used to believe that there was nothing wrong with my wife having friendships of the opposite sex. I even felt guilty when I started to suspect of her having an A.
Me and my wife used to think that having independent lives was a wonderful thing. Now we know where that path leads. It's a slippery slope. Get out of it and save your M NOW.
Telling your BH is going to be hard. Recovering is going to be even harder. Don't let your weaknesses define your life. With strength comes reward - a happy and loving M.
--ElCamino72
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
Pepperband, wow...we've covered 1-8. There have been no special gifts given or received...though, actually, I have bought him 3 things on 3 separate occasions (that I never gave him). After I purchased them, I thought to myself, "Are you crazy?! What are you thinking?!" But I was just so excited to buy it. It's still at my house. And he makes excuses to call me every now and then (to talk about random things I don't even think he cares about). 11-15 we have not done at all. But I do see how it could be headed there.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Now, tell your H where you fall on this list.
I hope this eases your mind.
Progress!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Or, as my H says:
PROGRESS not PERFECTION
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Gloveoil's great advice to a WW. *link* Gloveoil is a man, BTW.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
One other thing, I read the info. about the NC letter in Coping with Infidelity Part 2: How Should Affairs End? and it seems like a bit of an overkill. My husband would never agree to send such a letter. In fact, he would probably not want the man to know that he even has effected me so much. Did you all send these NC letters? I agree with the exposure but not the NC. Hey, fullmoon? Stop thinking for your H. And don't try to do this half-baked or it'll blow up in your face. 1. H needs to know. 2. OM needs a letter stating in no uncertain terms that you will never speak or associate in any way with him. That makes it "official" for all parties, so there can be no question. 3. OMW needs to know, so she can protect herself and her M from an H that obviously has loose/no boundaries. Just do it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
Gloveoil's great advice to a WW. pepperband, Couldnt find the article on that link.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Written by GloveOil:
Quote:
tsmith,
Sorry for you & your husband that you're in this situation.
Answers to TheRoad's Q's wil give us a better sense of where you stand.
There may be a good chance you can save your marriage, but it isn't going to be all-better & forgotten quickly or without lots of tought emotional digging by both of you.
Some things that helped me with my OWN self-inflicted marital train-wreck:
--Complete honesty on your part is essential. "Trickle-truth" will set you back. Trying to "protect" his feelings by hiding secrets from him will set you back & make your marital recovery that much harder. Tell him what he asks.
--Resist the urge to try to explain your actions. While there are explanations, please keep in mind that explanations are NOT the same as excuses (and there ARE no excuses for what folks like you & I did when we cheated). Unfortunately for you, a betrayed spouse is most likely not in any position to be a able to distinguish between explanations & attempted excuses. Don't let yourself come off sounding in his ears like you're trying to minimze what happened.
--Let him be angry & vent. (Remember, you -- the one person who swore to protect him -- have just taken his heart & dashed it to the ground. He's got a right to be upset.)
--No contact with the other man is essential. Any contact will set you back. This is non-negotiable. Non-negotiable.
--If you don't want to lose your husband, tell him so, unequivocally. This is the time to check any pride at the door. You want to be trusted again by him someday, so you're going to have to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart entirely in his hands, to see if he rejects it or (with time) accepts it.
--Patience on your part is essential. You probably want to forget this ever happened. But you won't; neither will your husband. You can make your relationship with him beter than it was before your affair, and you can get it back to a place where it won't seem like work; but it will take lots of work & patience to get to that place. Think in terms of months & maybe years, not days/weeks.
Are you up for it?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
Hmm...I don't know where to begin. I hemmed and hawed and stuttered and pulled my hair and finally managed to say, "Remember when I told you I had feelings for someone...it is/was your friend." He never even bothered to ask, "What friend?" He didn't show the slightest hint of shock. (He only has one friend that I show an inordinate amount of interest in...only one that would be "my type".) Instead he wanted to know why I was telling him this, what does this mean, I want to be free to be a sl...??? I assured him that I did not want to be free, I want to make our marriage "transparent", I want it to be 100%.
He says I shouldn't be telling him this sort of thing. Attractions are going to happen. I have cute friends, sure...that doesn't mean anything. Just like this doesn't mean anything. "There are plenty of pretty girls in the world, but only one [you]." He says that I am trying to make something out of nothing...and he doesn't want to hear any details. He doesn't want to write a Plan A or a NC letter. I should only talk to him about this sort of thing after I have already slept with someone by saying, "Our relationship is over. Goodbye." and I should never tell him I slept with someone...just say. "Goodbye."
And he said a lot of other things about life in general, how it is simple and people complicate things unnecessarily...
It ended up being therapeutic for me because now I am not weighed down by a "secret". But I am still in the same place in that I am only accountable to my own self for my own actions. He's not planning to change a thing. He truly believes that I am literally incapable of doing this thing I keep worrying about.
He believes in me so much that maybe I should believe in myself that much.
I wonder if I am making it more "complicated" than it is.
We went on to have a great evening...dinner and a movie and so forth...with the kids safely tucked away at their grandparents' home. To him, that's the end of it. He doesn't want me to try to tell him again...but to resolve these issues within myself...
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
432
guests, and
66
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
