Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
Definitely 50/50 isn't for everyone. Heck, even having visitation may not be in the children's best interest. My first XH went for full custody. The court had appointed a lawyer to act on behalf of the child (i.e. they didn't work for either me or XH and simply gave recommendations based on what would be in my son's best interest). In the end, the court awarded me sole custody and ultimate say in IF XH could have visitation and under what circumstances (he screwed up supervised visitation to the extent that even children's aid wouldn't do it). It's more problematic when your ex isn't as psycho as that - and probably many of them are better at not completely making a mockery of the court.



Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Thank you all for your input. I know everyone talks about how common affairs and divorces are, but I don't know anyone personally going through it right now, so it's really nice to have the input from others who are.

I didn't end up getting a second opinion...YET. I think I may have panicked a bit prematurely.

I decided to hold off for a few reasons. One, I realized that we don't in fact know exactly what my WH will be asking for, so it wouldn't have made sense for my lawyer to spend lots of time working up a case against a 'maybe'. WH's supposed to let us know by June 25 (and to turn in the requested credit card statements he has yet to turn in), and if he doesn't we will file a Motion to Compel.

Second, to be fair to my lawyer, I was actually there that day to talk about fighting the 50/50, which he did focus on and give me ideas how we would go about fighting that.

Third, I have already sunk $5,000 into this lawyer and honestly can't imagine starting over with a new one. Both money-wise and emotional-wise. Now granted, if I feel I need to at some point I won't hesitate to do this.

This has been a very stressful time, both personally and professionally. Lots of changes going on at my job (where I've worked 11 yrs.) and new people in charge who are, frankly, clueless. Something I've always felt very secure in (my employment) is now up in the air. Just like marriage, nothing in life should be taken for granted or assumed to always be there. I'm doing lots of praying right now and trusting God. I know He won't just leave me hanging, but it's still scary.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
EllenG, thanks for those letters....very intersting!

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Ha Ha! WH just dropped DD off and he said to me, "I'm not trying to evade turning in the credit card statements but it's just been a hassle". I said to him, "Yeah, it's ALL been a big hassle" and shut the door.

Guess that means WH didn't get the statements turned in yesterday like requested. He's had several months! Guess we will now file a motion to compel!!!

Me thinks there must be some pretty incriminating stuff on those credit card statements!!!

Last edited by SidneyT; 06/26/10 06:07 PM.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 33
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 33
WOW..Someone else's WH not answering interrogatories!!! My lawyer has been VERY generous with my WH. He has given him 6 months to answer, and still nothing. He was given an order to compel, but we backed out of it. He was being investigated by the Army and couldn't travel here for court. We gave him another 30 days, during which time he got a lawyer. WH's lawyer sent my lawyer a letter saying he is representing WH now and the interrogatories will be answered shortly. One month later and still nothing. Two days ago, my letter sent a hotly worded letter to WH's lawyer saying he needs to get the information in to us, or he'll file a motion for compliance. My WH told me over 2 months ago that he had most of the interrogatories answered, so what's the hold up?!

Last edited by ss409; 06/26/10 09:45 PM.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 601
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by SidneyT
Ha Ha! WH just dropped DD off and he said to me, "I'm not trying to evade turning in the credit card statements but it's just been a hassle". I said to him, "Yeah, it's ALL been a big hassle" and shut the door.

Guess that means WH didn't get the statements turned in yesterday like requested. He's had several months! Guess we will now file a motion to compel!!!

Me thinks there must be some pretty incriminating stuff on those credit card statements!!!


WOw! My exWW has pulled the same thing. WHat she did turn in we found out she spent close to $1000 on vet bills for OM's horses. Yet, she was recently found in contempt for failing to pay daycare or medical expenses for the kids. Silly waywards.


Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Well, my lawyer filed the Motion to Compel on Monday and we're requesting 'reasonable attorney's fees in trying to obtain such discovery'. Does this have any bearing on what the judge thinks, or are they used to it (from the sounds of it, they must be used to it, especially from those trying to hide info.)?

PSU, what will happen to your exWW for being in contempt?

ss409...what IS that WH of yours trying to hide, anyway??? smile

Last edited by SidneyT; 06/29/10 05:44 PM.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
I'm so tired of my WH popping up places that we are and 'hanging out' with us. The other night at my older DD's (from a previous marriage) ball game he showed up unannounced and sat with me and our younger DD. He always acts as if nothing in the world is going on, even tries to make small talk about his job, etc. I'm so uninterested in him and don't want to sit with him and be his buddy.

Then last night he texted me wondering if he could take the girls to a carnival...even though it's my week to have our DD. I told him we already had plans (which we did).

It just is stunning how he has made all these decision about how he wants things to be with visitation but then tries to change the rules when it might benefit him in some way.

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 33
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 33
SidneyT..That's the big question. If you've seen any of my other post, you know that I am holding off on the divorce in order to obtain the insurance (he's military). He said yesterday, that if my lawyer keeps pushing this, he'll proceed with the divorce. he thinks I'm trying to control him by doing this. That has always been a problem in our marriage, he thinks I control him. Fact is, he's the one who tried to control me. He is so screwed up mentally it's unreal. My fear is if he doesn't comply (I'm sure his lawyer will advise him of that) he could wind up in jail, which I don't want to happen. If it does happen, the Army will get involved and there is a big possibility of us losing everything. The scary part is I don't have a job now, and therefore no way to support my kids.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Well, it seems my WH is still trying to decide what he feels he's entitled to from my house (this was my home prior to the marriage). His lawyer has now requested mortgage information from me dating back to the year we married.

And today I learned that he has gone out and bought DD (age 7) a cell phone. Please tell me what a 7-year-old possibly needs with a cell phone??? I resent that he's spoiling her rotten (she's getting more difficult to manage when she doesn't get her way when she's with me) and now I have had no input whatsoever over getting her a phone, something that I find completely indulgent and ridiculous for a 7-year-old.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
I heard from my lawyer today that WH is asking for approx. $25,000 for his 1/2 of the equity of my house.

I'm still baffled at how something that is and always has been MY property (my house prior to the marriage, my name has been the only name to ever be on the house) could be fair game for him.

The thought of having to cut him a check for that much given what HE has done just leaves me reeling.

I SO look forward to this being over.

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116
I hear you, ST.

My WH is not providing credit card statements, retirement account status, pay stubs, tax return -- you name it!

This is where the rubber hits the road -- when reality kicks in.
FINANCES.

Susie Orman said today "Women fake organisms. Men fake finances." She was on the Kathy Griffin show so this isn't a message she would convey on her regular program.

Anyway, my WH is balking -- even though HE FILED -- because he doesn't want his sins shown for all the world to see. He's been subpoenaed to provide records, his attorney throws in distractions here and there -- ANYTHING to keep from having to produce records.

Bottomline is that "avoiding the facts doesn't change the facts."

I'm just amazed how our justice system works. Like it's OKAY to not produce documents. It's OKAY to drag out proceedings wasting money. It's OKAY to ignore orders. I WANT to see my WH dragged away in handcuffs. Maybe jail time with a rather LARGE cell mate might wake him up from this fantasy.

As for your WH wanting equity in your house -- if the house is your separate property obtained prior to your marriage -- you should be able to keep it as separate property. You just need to disclose this. If he helped pay some of the mortgages -- I don't know about that.

Just keep your wit about you. Find whatever records you need. Check his credit report. Snoop in his current credit cards using the 1-800 numbers. Treat this as a job.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Thanks Holyheart- I couldn't agree more about being amazed at our so called 'justice system'. Interesting comment by Suze O. too.

The latest thing my WH is doing is trying to paint me in an unfavorable light in the Discovery papers. Little comments he's made like, "She's claimed she has no debt other than the mortgage, however I believe she does have debt".

Well, I do not have debt and I would not ever lie about such a thing, especially in court papers.

The other thing he's said is that HE's the one that always takes DD to the doctor. This is a blatant LIE. Seemingly small and unimportant, but it's a lie all the same. He took her to the last appointment she's had, and that's about it.

I see my lawyer next week and our court date is less than two weeks away now...so things are coming to a head.

I was able to produce documents that showed the $50,000 down payment I made on MY house when I bought it before I was married, so I hope this has some kind of bearing on the judgement as to how much he should get, if any.

And my poor DD (age 7) is so incredibly spoiled and over-indulged by a guilty father that she's becoming very unpleasant to be around. It's hard to 'undo' one week's worth of spoiling in the short week I have her. He's not doing her any favors at all.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 11
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 11
I don't know how the law works in your state. My lawyer told me all my ex "could" ask for was half of what was spent on the house out of joint funds. Another words community money that was spent on the house, not equity since I own the house outright. He didn't ask for it but he could have. Wonder what your lawyer says about it. What is his half of any mortgage payments or improvements made throughout the marriage out of joint monies?

Not that I think he should get one red cent of anything involving your house that is yours. uhuh

Last edited by worthyoflife; 07/23/10 06:36 PM.

BS: 38
WH: 40
D-day: Sept 07

Happily Remarried
DD: 17
DD: 15
DD:12

No one should put up with neglect and abuse, and now we don't have to.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Well I'm days away from my final court hearing (Thurs.).

I really hate to whine about stuff but I cannot help but believe I am getting completely skewered in this divorce.

I am to pay WH $27,000 for equity in MY home. I find this so hard to swallow. He never owned the home, yet he's entitled to 1/2 the equity?

He may be entitled to more $$$ because he feels the stuff in our house was unfairly divided by 3 to 1 (his choice, he walked out and didn't want anything but his clothes and books). My house was fully furnished before we were married so I can't understand why he would be entitled to $$$ from my stuff.

He pays $14 a month for his health insurance. I pay nearly $400 for mine and our daughter's health insurance. I feel he should provide her health insurance because we have similar salaries, yet I pay so much more a month on ins.

He is getting his truck, which I paid the payments for for years.

Again, I don't see how I am getting anything out of this divorce except for $27,000 poorer.

Am I missing something or is this just how divorce goes?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Originally Posted by SidneyT
Am I missing something or is this just how divorce goes?

Hey Sidney,

I guess it depends upon the state. I would think that any assets (or liabilities) acquired prior to the M, or any acquired after the spouse moves out, would be owned by the acquirer.

Sorry that the division isn't as equitable as it could have been.

TBC



Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Thanks for the reply, TBC.

The twists and turns continue in this D case. I asked my WH last night (via text) how much money he felt he was entitled to from my home and he said, "Zip". I clarified this by saying, "You mean you are not asking me to pay you any money for my house or otherwise in court on Thurs.?" And he said, "Correct".

Now this morning he mentioned that his mom, who is a retired Child Psychologist, will be attending court on Thurs. and when I asked if she was testifying he said, "If she does testify it will be to stress the strong bond DD and I have".

Should I be concerned about this? My lawyer just assured me that our judge dislikes 50-50 and that last week his client (a dad) lost his request for 50-50.

Would the court consider a grandma as an 'expert witness'??? Do I need to get an expert witness?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Originally Posted by SidneyT
Thanks for the reply, TBC.

The twists and turns continue in this D case. I asked my WH last night (via text) how much money he felt he was entitled to from my home and he said, "Zip". I clarified this by saying, "You mean you are not asking me to pay you any money for my house or otherwise in court on Thurs.?" And he said, "Correct".

Now this morning he mentioned that his mom, who is a retired Child Psychologist, will be attending court on Thurs. and when I asked if she was testifying he said, "If she does testify it will be to stress the strong bond DD and I have".

Should I be concerned about this? My lawyer just assured me that our judge dislikes 50-50 and that last week his client (a dad) lost his request for 50-50.

Would the court consider a grandma as an 'expert witness'??? Do I need to get an expert witness?

Hey Sidney, so sorry you're having to go through all this. As far as grandma testifying as an expert? I don't think so. For one, it would be a HUGE conflict of interest as to bias. Your attorney should object loud and often if they try to pull that. As a grandmother (and fact witness), she can certainly testify as to the strong bond her son has with his daughter but I would think her testimony would only be limited to that.

As soon as the other attorney started trying to "qualify" her as an expert by asking about her background and expertise, I would start objecting.

It wouldn't hurt for you to have your own expert but to what issue?

ETA: If you're only days away from trial, all expert witnesses should have been disclosed 30 days prior to trial. They can't just say, "Surprise! By the way, grandma's also an expert." Same goes for you too unfortunately, if you haven't named an expert before now, you can't bring one in at the last minute, unless it's for rebuttal testimony.

This is all dependant on your state's statutes but generally this is the way civil law works.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 08/02/10 03:55 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Thank you princessmeggy. I really appreciate your input.

I just got off the phone and WH's lawyer just informed my lawyer that if I don't agree to the 50-50 then WH will be asking for primary custody, as both WH and his Child Psychologist mother think it's in DD's best interest.

This is becoming like a bad Lifetime movie. How in the world could things come to this? Please tell me there is no real chance of him ever getting primary custody of a little girl away from her mother and only sister?

I have a co-worker/friend who's a Psychaitrist who works with children (M.D.) who knows both me and WH and he just told me he would testify on my behalf (as to my bond with DD and to how damaging he thinks 50-50 would be. He's also familiar with my WH abusing Ambien and destroying our computer in order to get rid of incriminating evidence on it), but it sounds like he wouldn't be able to, is that right?

My lawyer also wants my mom to come to court to testify (she has been DD's childcare provider since birth).

I am trying really hard not to panick but I am completely terrified right now at what this has come to.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Originally Posted by SidneyT
Thank you princessmeggy. I really appreciate your input.

I just got off the phone and WH's lawyer just informed my lawyer that if I don't agree to the 50-50 then WH will be asking for primary custody, as both WH and his Child Psychologist mother think it's in DD's best interest.

This is becoming like a bad Lifetime movie. How in the world could things come to this? Please tell me there is no real chance of him ever getting primary custody of a little girl away from her mother and only sister?

I have a co-worker/friend who's a Psychaitrist who works with children (M.D.) who knows both me and WH and he just told me he would testify on my behalf (as to my bond with DD and to how damaging he thinks 50-50 would be. He's also familiar with my WH abusing Ambien and destroying our computer in order to get rid of incriminating evidence on it), but it sounds like he wouldn't be able to, is that right?

My lawyer also wants my mom to come to court to testify.

I am trying really hard not to panick but I am completely terrified right now at what this has come to.

Seems to me that it's a little late for WH to be attempting to ask for primary custody when you're only days away from trial. This will be the final trial, right? WH's mother can say all she wants but the Judge will only give it so much weight. How can she give an unbiased opinion? She can't!

Don't let your WH's threats scare you. The Judge's priority will be what's in the best interest of your child, but they also like to see the parties work out an agreement prior to trial. If they can't agree, that's why they have a trial. Okay? It is unlikely that the Judge would award him primary custody if you don't agree to 50/50. What is more likely, is that the Judge will award 50/50, unless you can prove that he is unstable, etc. Sounds like you can.

Grandma's just butting in. Actually, my single daughter just went through a custody dispute with her boyfriend over my two grandchildren. He had beaten my daughter and a protective order was in place. I couldn't believe how hard HIS momma fought to get 50/50 for her son. The Judge wasn't buying it though and he ended up with supervised visitation (with his Mom's supervising). That was kinda wacked but at least the Judge didn't buy momma's BS that it was all a mistake or the lies that they try to tell about my daughter.

Have faith in your attorney. Let your mom come and testify. She's counter to what his mom has to say. The sad thing in Family Law is that it's mostly he said, she said.

Has a home study been done?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5