my EA went on for about 1.5 years, and H always regarded it as a friendship. i was always open and honest about spending time w/ OM, and even pointedly invited H along (partly hoping to KEEP it a legit friendship, make OM a friend of the family instead of an OM...but also secretly knowing H wasn't in a social state of mind and trying to prove how innocuous and casual the whole thing was. shady wayward thinking)but when my EA turned to PA, H knew within HOURS. i have no idea how. our kids were spending the weekend w/ in-laws. it was a few days before Thanksgiving, and we were hosting dinner that year. I�d been nervous since I had gotten home. I felt like I was wearing an I JUST COMMITTED ADULTERY sign. So when H said , �hey, come sit w/ me on the patio, let�s talk,� I was realllly edgy. But H told me sadly that he felt like we�d grown apart and that he couldn�t be the husband I needed, and that it would break his heart to see me go, but that if I wanted a divorce he would work with me to make it as amicable and friendly as possible. He assured me he wouldn�t try to stick it to me financially, and that we could discuss how we wanted to divide things, and that we could do joint custody of the girls, one week with dad, one week with mom, and even family outings with his parents because they would always consider me a daughter. He said, let�s not tell the girls til after Christmas, let�s enjoy the season as a family �I sat there nodding and agreeing to everything, thinking how insanely lucky I was and how perfectly everything was working out.
We had everything all settled, I thought, and I was about to go inside and start looking at our accounts, and he said very softly, �W? I already know you f�ed him, but now I�m pretty certain that you love him. Sit down. There�s not going to be a divorce. I couldn�t make you obey all your vows, but I can ENFORCE the one that says �til death do us part.� Was he worth it?� He said if i opened my mouth to deny it he would not be responsible for whatever happened next. I was convinced. he told me how it was going to be: we would live as a family. there would be no further mention of the affair. If there was a single hint of any attitude or behavior he didn�t like, all bets were off. then he asked me which of us should die, himself, me, or OM? I realized that not only was he dead serious, I realized that OM was not just my little buddy, he was a dad, a son, a friend, and that it would be my fault if something happened to him. I started to cry and apologize, and H said "you're not sorry. you're sorry you got caught." he told me he would not tolerate me shedding a single tear over my little f-buddy in his presence. Ever. I told him i was crying over what i'd done, and he said �NO. STOP. NOW.� And i did. We talked for a long time. He asked questions and I answered them truthfully because I can�t lie well and I didn�t want to find out what would happen if I did. I think he was just confirming what he already knew and making sure I was telling the truth. He gave me a very scary, very quiet monologue about what he would have liked to do to me. the whole time I sat there, all: SIR YES SIR! But even then I was thinking, if he lays a hand on me and doesn�t beat me to death, I�ve got a golden ticket.My call to OM went like this: �you�ll never see me again. Do not text me, call me, email me, or look for me. EVER. You need to disappear. Goodbye.� Clean break. Shock and awe.
Basically, YEG, I never had a chance to indulge in any wayward acting-out. There was no discussion of what led me to cheat: I cheated because I was a cheater. While he was still in human polygraph mode, though, he did ask me why I hadn�t asked for a divorce. I couldn�t answer, and he was like �Say. Something. Now.� I told him the truth: �I didn�t want to kick you while you were down.� He laughed and laughed. He didn�t need to spell it out for me, how stupid that was .

I stayed because I couldn�t leave. I shaped up and started tailoring my behavior to H�s moods because I had to. I didn�t get time to think about whether or not to commit to the marriage. There was no consideration of whether or not to call OM when I was feeling lonely. I take the time to clarify all this because I guarantee you I had the same feelings and thoughts as every other WW on this planet, I just had a lot more at stake than the marriage so I made my decision on the spot.
On the pro-side, we hosted thanksgiving beautifully. We had a picture-perfect Christmas. We went to charity galas and stuff together. We built bonfires and had marshmallow roasts for the neighbors. I baked and kept the house OCD-grade neat. We did a lot of entertaining. I got a new job after the holidays and a swift promotion. On the con side, I cried in the shower, ran till my body-fat percentage dropped into the low teens, and shoveled dirt for no reason whatsoever until I pinched a nerve and lost the feeling in my arm for days. I found that speed drills w/ a heavyweight bag took the edge off, but after a few weeks I got a stress fracture and couldn�t punch anymore. I took my company laptop home every night because I NEEDED to work to exhaustion to clear my mind. I slept maybe 3 hours a night. I had nightmares. I was pretty darn certain I was losing my mind, in fact, and I couldn�t tell ANYONE. That was the first 8 months. I was terrified all the time. I�m a GREAT over-compensator; my girls still talk about stuff we did together during that time and how much fun it was. If they didn�t pick up on anything I guess I did a good job. Thank God. One day I just couldn�t take it anymore. I didn�t get scared, I got furious. i told H there was nothing on this planet I hated worse than a bully, and that being mean didn�t win him an extra measure of respect. I told him that yes, bullying gets you obeyed, because it gets you feared and hated. I told him �I probably shouldn�t be tipping my hand like this, but I don�t care anymore. your bullying makes me want to quietly put away enough money to get myself and the girls the hell out of your house.� he clenched his fists and took a step towards me and i looked him in the eye and said �I wish you would.� If I had filed for divorce while he was in that mindframe, it would have been hideous, it would have hurt the girls horribly, and he had the leverage to take a lot of money from me. All our stuff is in his name. I had �co-mingled funds� because I had always viewed money as OUR money, whatever the source, meaning I had no assets of my own and no pre-nup.

I didn�t want to post this because obviously I emphatically do not endorse it, and also because it makes my H sound HORRIBLE. He had never scared me before that day, and he hasn�t scared me since. He�s never hurt me and I don�t believe he ever would. He�s never even raised his voice to me. I still can�t cry in front of him, though. Like, I can�t physically do it. And every time he�s stressed or upset and he gets really quiet and still, my heart starts racing and I start racking my brain to see if I�ve done anything that he could be mad at me for. And I still hate Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is really, really sad.