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Avoid anything that makes you sound needy. I would not say "I miss you", I would not say "I'll always be here for you", she needs to know that she is tossing you away and she may or may not have a second chance with you. I would avoid anything that contributes to her cake eating. I would show her how self-sufficient you are and I would take care of my own bills and get them in my own name!
BTW, who ended up telling the chidren and how did they react?

And please don't believe any of the hogwash she tells you. She will try to lay everything on you, it's all your fault that SHE cheated, it's your fault SHE left, it's your fault SHE'S not happy, etc. etc. You've accepted responsibility for your share of how the marriage was, but the breakup is HER'S to own!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KC, thanks for the advice. I told the boys. She was supposed to come home last night, but she didn't. I told them, because they have the right to know. My younger one especially, because she took him down there for winter break as an excuse to see him. She says no, that it started after, but I don't believe it. I think it started when she took her mother down in Nov., if not las spring when she went down to drive her up.


ME: 48
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BTW, how weird is this; she went out and bought me a set of pots, because she took her good ones with her. She had my son bring them over to me tonight. Is it guilt, or feelings for our well being; the boys at least?


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Can I or should I try to stop the boys from visiting her? My oldest is 19 and still lives at home. He has been helping her move her stuff over to her apartment and is even visiting with her. Isn't this having her cake and eating it too? But what can I do? He has always had a very close bond with her.


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Right now you are in plan A, they have every right to see her, she is still their mother, even when you do go into plan B they still have the right to see her...sorry I know you want her to hurt, but focus on your plans just know that plan A is not forever and plan B is not forever. laugh

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Tell us what the response of your sons after telling them the truth. Having your son visit may work to the marriage's advantage - after all thy have a stake on their family as well.

Think about it

You dont want to play mindgames with your own sons/


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I told them the truth of the EA. O told my younger son that she used taking him down there as an excuse to see him. He's not happy with her. The older one didn't say much. His mother and him always had a very tight bond/special relationship; hence the him helping her move and she gave him a key to her place so he can move her stuff in. But she will probably let him keep it.


ME: 48
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Boy MB is right. They said getting into the habit of building the love bank credits after making no deposits for so long will seem awkward and forced. Just sent her a morning text like suggested. It felt so fake and I'm thinking she's going to see right through it. Hope if I keep it up it will become natural and she will start being positively affected by it.


ME: 48
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I assume it's normal for the WS not to respond to texts? If she eventually does, is that a good sign? Not like I expect that to happen any time soon.


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Originally Posted By: awokenhubby
I assume it's normal for the WS not to respond to texts? If she eventually does, is that a good sign? Not like I expect that to happen any time soon.


Well, you said yourself that it sounded fake to you, so she probably feels the same way. Just keep doing it. The 'fake' feeling will go away and it will become natural.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Fake it till you make it!

Keep going on plan A laugh

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Originally Posted By: awokenhubby
Boy MB is right. They said getting into the habit of building the love bank credits after making no deposits for so long will seem awkward and forced. Just sent her a morning text like suggested. It felt so fake and I'm thinking she's going to see right through it. Hope if I keep it up it will become natural and she will start being positively affected by it.


THIS is one of the HARDEST parts of Plan A. You have to have NO EXPECTATIONS. What I mean by that is that when you do something, you have to not worry about what your WW will or will not do. You do the things because YOU are a better YOU. This is what YOU want to do and you want to become a better person in a relationship. If you were in a healthy happy relationship, what would YOU be doing? Who would YOU be? THAT is what you have to do. The things you would have done different had you had the knowledge you do now. Make sense?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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hi there awokenhubby,
I have just read through your thread and I feel for you and I'm glad that you have come to realize what your part was in the marriage breakdown and that you have accepted that and are willing to work on you for the betterment of your marriage.......that said, right now your wife is in A fog and all the logical thinking goes out the window and they feel very entitled and justified to have feelings for someone else.....
All you can do at this point is fill her needs when you can, don't support her A financially and tell her you are willing to work on yourself and the marriage when she is ready to commit to it.......without a 3rd person in her head......
Right now I wouldn't have any contact, let her feel life without you and her boys....she now will have to really think out how a fantasy life can actually be reality.......it doesn't work for a reason, he won't want to meet her needs and it will soon dwindle out and be more work then it's worth......
Keep yourself busy, tell her you want her to be happy, tell her she has chosen her life now and you will be getting on with yours.......
Let's see how well she does without you in her life, 21 years is a long time and not that easy to just throw away.......
Set her free and see if she returns, let her do that on her own, if she does you will know that it's important enough to her......It might take a bit of time for her to see the whole truth and to come out of the Affair fog, so hang in there for the long term, there aren't any quick answers here........good luck


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Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
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It is very hard to Plan A while she is out, but try your best. I text my WW often while I was at work, being nice, even suggestive about some stuff, thankfully she did not ignore me, but it made it whole lot harder to keep up two conversations at once. Texting her helped me fill my love bank also (is that like stalking if you fill your own love bank??).

Other things I did was prepare myself in the morning to be the most positive person I can be, and to take care of myself by fulfilling needs that only I can fulfill like running, and hugging my boys.

Find what makes you happy, it will help in the plan A process. Plan A also works better when everyone is in the same home.

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^ loveheart's Wheels!

I agree, I do remember wheels texting me and trying to start a conversation, I also remember waking up one morning to hear wheels say "Well, time to say goodbye to Sapphire even though it disgusts me" when I heard that I was hurt, and felt guilty because I know he was hurting I just didn't know how bad because during the day he was plan A'ing me. That is when I knew how bad I was treating him frown

So work your plan A, I know plan A will be harder now that she is gone, but still work it, till you are ready for plan B.

GOOD LUCK!

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Yeah, I said that in the hall under my breath at 6:00am before I even thought she was up, I felt horrible about that. I would always go in give her a kiss and say goodbuy. I still do, but it feels a lot more better and more natural now.

Guess the lesson is no matter how hard things get, its best to keep comments like that to yourself, and this board.

totally forgot about that one doh2

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Originally Posted By: Wheels_spinning
I would always go in give her a kiss and say goodbuy. I still do, but it feels a lot more better and more natural now.


And sometimes it's more then a kiss kiss HEH HEH!

Anyway, what have you planned to make sure you are doing your best plan A?

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Originally Posted By: jessitaylor
Right now I wouldn't have any contact, let her feel life without you and her boys....she now will have to really think out how a fantasy life can actually be reality.......it doesn't work for a reason, he won't want to meet her needs and it will soon dwindle out and be more work then it's worth......
Keep yourself busy, tell her you want her to be happy, tell her she has chosen her life now and you will be getting on with yours.......
Let's see how well she does without you in her life, 21 years is a long time and not that easy to just throw away.......
Set her free and see if she returns, let her do that on her own, if she does you will know that it's important enough to her......It might take a bit of time for her to see the whole truth and to come out of the Affair fog, so hang in there for the long term, there aren't any quick answers here........good luck


Jessi, he is in Plan A... what you're describing or suggesting is what happens in Plan B. He's not ready for that yet. He needs to keep in contact to execute his Plan A. Plan B is more effective when followed by a stellar Plan A. The shock and awe of a sudden Plan B, but well thought out and prepared for in advance, is what is recommended. You don't just decide to do Plan B one day, it takes preparation and planning.

Awokenhubby, part of Plan A is to have NO EXPECTATIONS. Until you're ready to go to Plan B, be the best husband you can be under the circumstances. Work on you, exercise, smell good, take care of yourself. Do you Plan A stuff without expecting any reaction of her in return. Texts, compliments, doing little unexpected things for her are all part of Plan A.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I'm planning on keeping up the texts, but what if she tells me to stop them? Do I just reply that I need to because I care? I am working on me. The Divorce diet is wonderful, too much pen up frustration and sick to your stomach all the time really makes you not eat. I have lost 45 pounds since last Sept. I had started working on that before the bombshell, but I have lost 20 since D day. I am also biking and working out at the gym, things I used to love and stopped because of the depression. I plan on doing all the things to the house I haven't for the last 5-10 years. I am finishing my master's degree finally; a big bone of contention for her. I may try and surprise her and take her to lunch occasionally. Any ideas of what else I can do now that she is moved out? Her apartment is only 7 min. away. I also want to wait a little while and then see if she is up for simple no pressure dates like coffee or ice cream, nothing romantic, no pressure. Just to give her a chance to see a new me. I also want to get all the utilities and bills out of her name and into mine to show her I can do it and not rely on her.


ME: 48
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Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
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Originally Posted By: awokenhubby
I'm planning on keeping up the texts, but what if she tells me to stop them? Do I just reply that I need to because I care? I am working on me. The Divorce diet is wonderful, too much pen up frustration and sick to your stomach all the time really makes you not eat. I have lost 45 pounds since last Sept. I had started working on that before the bombshell, but I have lost 20 since D day. I am also biking and working out at the gym, things I used to love and stopped because of the depression. I plan on doing all the things to the house I haven't for the last 5-10 years. I am finishing my master's degree finally; a big bone of contention for her. I may try and surprise her and take her to lunch occasionally. Any ideas of what else I can do now that she is moved out? Her apartment is only 7 min. away. I also want to wait a little while and then see if she is up for simple no pressure dates like coffee or ice cream, nothing romantic, no pressure. Just to give her a chance to see a new me. I also want to get all the utilities and bills out of her name and into mine to show her I can do it and not rely on her.


If she tells you to stop you should reverse babble. say something like: "I know", and leave it at that. Just try to text her things that will fill her love bank, no relationship talk.

Fix up the house because you choose to and because it will fulfill you. I wouldn't do it for her because she may or may not even notice. Like they say, have no expectations of what the Wayward will do.

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