My wife and I have been in a rough patch for several years... 2 separate attempts at counseling resulting in drastic and positive changes in my behaviour ( no more passive aggressiveness, no more brooding, happily helping more with kids and house, friendly to her extended family etc) Over time i improved in those areas.... but bitterness and resentment from her past combined with her near life-long depression didn't allow my changes to impact her into becoming a loving affectionate wife. Our last conversation months ago was that for now we are staying together for the kids but that she wants a divorce she's just not sure she can do that on her own(I told her I won't initiate a divorce and want to work more on the marriage. Anyway, yesterday i discovered an email from a law firm confirming her initial consultation with a family lawyer next wednesday. Of course I can't let on that i know this...i'm feeling utterly destroyed inside. 2 bueautiful little daughters.... our life is about to be turned on its head.

I feel like i'm on death row waiting for execution.

Any advice or encouragement will be so very appreciated!!

Darksuit

Hi Darksuit, welcome to Marriage Builders.

You said in your introductory post that you "won't initiate a divorce" so that means you want to save the marriage, correct?

Have you read the information on this site? To the right of this page is a box outlined in red labeled "Most Popular Links." --->

Start by familiarizing yourself with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. You might also wish to obtain one or more of his books (you don't necessarily have to buy them; many are available at your local library. But They are pretty good as reference books, so you might consider buying them as an "investment" in your marital happiness.

You may also wish to have your post moved to the Marriage Builders 101 forum. It's more active, and people there aren't (yet) in the divorcing arena. If you click on the "Notify" button to the lower right, you can ask the moderators to move it.

This is a phenomenal program, a terrific web site, and there are some wonderful people here. There is help for you here if you want it!

Darksuit, you're post mirrors the initial one (after the crash) from 11/09.

I would take another look at Solee's original response to that. It was spot on and I think it still is. You seem to be still avoiding LB's and meeting EN's. Are you meeting her TOP THREE?

Keep in mind, you can't control your wife or her reactions to anything. While it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to act in a way that she falls in love with you, that's where your responsibilities end. So, if you're literally doing everything you can think of with every fiber of your being to that end, you have nothing to hang your head about. And your little girls will always be able to look up to you for being the best Daddy you ever could be and the best man you could be.

--sorry - only read the first page of your original thread. Did she ever fill out an EN's questionnaire?

--Now that you know what card she's getting ready to play, I'd say it's time to turn it up, Darksuit. Give it the extra. We up here in the D board certainly know that filing is like the opening of a gate in a loooooooooooong race. You have time, but the stakes just went up. You gonna stay on the mat or pull it together and show your wife that there's nobody better?

Did you drop the bonehead therapist? (I hate MC's). This business about "being at an impasse" and "canoeing a boat," GMAB. You need her to fall in love with you, not paddle. Canoeing is a terrible analogy to marriage. Just terrible. It would be better for a business partnership. It simply doesn't work for marriage. And I've done enough of canoeing and counseling and marriage to know. Our MC helped us canoe right over a waterfall.

~~~Optimism