What I really need help with is trying to do away with OM and getting over him for good. Please help me with that.
We get this question ("How do I get-away-from/get-over my affair-partner?") a lot. It speaks to the very essence of how affairs are inappropriate emotional-ADDICTIONS. Whenever a WS asks this here, I know that he/she is internally conflicted. Examples of what the WS is thinking & feeling inside:
"I know its wrong/bad for me to be with (the affair-partner), but I am still drawn to him/her."
�I know I am hurting my spouse/family, but I enjoy the attention I get from (the affair-partner).�
�I am afraid to give up my affair-partner because I will feel empty inside w/o him/her.�
�What if I give up the affair and my spouse won�t reconcile? Then I�ll lose twice.�
�My affair relationship is wrong, but it feels better than my marriage relationship does.�
�I am fearful of the pain and loss I know I will have to go through when I end the affair.�
Let�s look at some non-judgmental/non-comdemnational FACTS:
Your affair relationship has been a fantasy that will not stand up to reality over time anyway.
Your affair relationship has damaged your marriage far more than you can appreciate right now (no matter how �bad� your marriage was before).
Your affair relationship, no matter how �good� it feels right now, is a cancer upon your life�whether marital renewal or divorce ensues.
You have ZERO chance of recovering your marriage as long as you are still seeing OM.
You must end your affair relationship COMPLETELY & PERMANENTLY no matter what.
Your marriage and your life cannot begin to heal and improve until you do so.
You asked: �What I really need help with is trying to do away with OM�. There is ONLY ONE WAY to do away with him that ever works. It ALWAYS WORKS. It never fails. You�.
1) Mail him a NC-letter that your husband reads and approves of in advance. [Yes, this means you must confess the full truth.]
2) Maintain complete and perpetual NC with him forever and without exception.
You also asked: �(how do I get) over him for good?� Here is how�
1) NC prevents OM from meeting any of your ENs anymore. You will go through a period of painful but self-limited withdrawal as these inappropriate �love deposits� are eliminated. You will automatically �fall out of love� with him and come to gradually see him for what he really was�a toxic influence upon your life. Withdrawal typically lasts 3-6 months as long as you MAINTAIN ABSOLUTE NC.
2) During this time, you turn your efforts and energies back to where they should be. Re-connect with your core values, love your friends/family, read SAA and HNHN, post here, and (most importantly) SPEND TIME WITH & FOCUS ON MEETING YOUR BH�s ENs.
The results? Your character and attitudes will change. Your feelings for OM will fade over time and your feelings for your husband will grow. You will �fall out of love� with OM and �fall back in love� with BH. You must fight through the withdrawal and take action. POSITIVE ACTIONS LEAD TO POSITIVE FEELINGS�guaranteed.