No one wants to see you divorced, your husband couldn't be more wrong. After all, this is a marriage building site. What we want is for you to be 100% truthful to your husband. Sure, your confessed YOUR feelings for OM and your husband sees this as harmless. What he DOESN'T know is what you originally posted about the things OM has said to you. I'm not so sure he would see THAT as harmless. Why NOT tell husband the same things you told us? In fact, why don't you print off this whole thread and ask husband to read it. If he STILL feels it's harmless, then you've got bigger problems that just a potential EA.

Its awsome that you can identify that you are breeching your boundaries here. I guess the real issue is that your marriage is starting to flounder, and a new spark is needed. Your husband does not realize this, and it makes it hard for him to understand.

If you tell your husband that you are fantasizing about another man, and you never really talk or email, then your husband will not care. Probably because men in general, like me, fantasize about women a lot (Marcos is an exception). However, I draw my boundaries to never act on those fantasies, flirt with another woman, or set up some way that I can contact her.

It never hurts to do a boundary check to make sure that your boundaries are strong. Write down some type of commitment to yourself to re-enforce your boundaries. Sit down with your husband and say, we need to strengthen our marriage or something bad will happen.

"Sit down with your husband and say, we need to strengthen our marriage or something bad will happen."

or BH I really need your help!

TRUST ME!! I never...ever...in my life thought I would cheat on wheels! We were happy, in love, and just excited about life! I was in shock when it first happened with the first EA, but not too surprised that it happened again in a matter of months.

But this here what wheels mentioned to do is probably the smartest thing you can do to protect your marriage even if it's "silly" to him.

That is much better. That is MB material all the way!

What was the incident? I find it interesting that you put "caught him" in quotes. It sounds like you do think he was unfaithful but have no concrete proof.


Again, this sounds like you are not comfortable with your BH's boundaries. Have you talked to him about how you feel about him going to lunch with other women?


WRONG!!!! What you don't know CAN hurt you. I know you came here because of your EA but I think you also have concerns about your husband. You can work on both. Sometimes we suppress things and they only come out after we start opening up about how we feel.

This doesn't make sense to me. He would rather have you attracted to someone else but love him more than have you NOT be attracted to anyone else but him?


I don't know you or your husband but if I was in your shoes and this was my husband's reaction I would be concerned. It sounds like he is indifferent to me.

If your husband doesn't want any of the boundaries to protect his marriage then that is a BIG FAT sorry, but I don't know your husband like you know him, I just know what I've experienced and read.

Hmm...you all seem quite concerned with H's behavior...

For years, I was concerned that I never once saw him cry. We have actually been through many trials as a couple (no "proven" infidelity); we are good at "weathering the storm".

Atena, interestingly enough it was the minor "bickering" that was more annoying than the BIG trials. "Bickering" is like a gnat flying around your head, it's not gonna kill you...but it could drive you insane. *lol*

You know, I just accept him for who he is: indifferent, nonchalant, emotionally inpenetrable(when it comes to certain things)... He's truely genuinely happy because he doesn't allow "the world", other people's opinions, other people's problems get to him. It is a magnificent thing to see. How many people do you know who are truely unequivocally and stubbornly steadfast in their happiness? That's H. I really love and admire that about him.

Incidentally, OM seems to be an emotional storm waiting to release (with the proper encouragement), seems like he holds so much...like I could explore him for days and days and years and still find new and exciting material. Uh oh...better not go down this road. Staytogether, you see that? Enough of that.

[[COMPARISON]] Sapphire, how do I make one of those little red flags???

So...hmm...that was the first time I thought of him that way in the last few days...

So, I don't try to force my H to feel what he doesn't feel or accept what he doesn't accept. In exchange, I get relative autonomy in my life...or so it seems. I can go where I want, do what I want, he is never suspicious, he hardly ever questions me, and certainly NEVER ask questions that he doesn't want the answers to.

If my mind were able to handle a PA, I don't think he'd ask a single question to find out. He doesn't want to know...because then our M would be over. Then, he'd have to start all over again at making a new happiness...a new happy home.

Wheels and Sapphire, I do need to reinforce those boundaries for myself...because I am not like my H. I am a very emotional person, I live and die by "what-I-feel" "how-I-feel" "where-I-feel", I watch sappy movies to cry with and fall in-love with the story. *lol* And I sense that, on top of whatever S magic OM and I could create, his emotional depths might take me on an incredible ride. Great. *sigh*

I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this...

You click "switch to full reply screen" then click on the happy face "smilies"

Thanks, Sapphire.

I just want to point out that just a few posts ago I was becoming quite full of myself and happy that I was nearly *finished*. Now look what you've all done.

I'm going to go comment on someone else's page. I'm tired of this.

Pepperband, I read that post before, thank you. Oh I was so disappointed that I could still have a positive feeling about OM; I was upset the whole evening. I am moving too fast to put this behind me, sweep it under the rug, etc. I don't know what to do to stop those little sneaky thoughts from rearing their ugly heads for good. I'm really frustrated about that. I'm trying to exonerate this guy (OM), give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he thought it was "harmless". Then again, maybe he didn't.

...maybe OM is a sneaky little bas.... doing what he can to separate me from my H. MAYBE he's having a little fun playing with my emotions. Or perhaps something that started off as "harmless" was getting a little out of hand. Regardless, he is not an "angel" and it would serve me and my M well to keep that in mind.

I just felt nauseous...I feel like I'm missing something here...

Oh yeah, good news about H! Well, I was rather quiet/pensive after the little OM thought earlier today. I want this to be OVER yesterday! So, H picked up on my mood immediately upon seeing me. He asked what's wrong. "Nothing." I didn't want to talk. He continued to try to find out-- so I tried to modify my behavior (i.e. be a little more "chirpy") because I didn't want to talk to him about this for a 4th day?!@!?* I just couldn't. His response?

He started doing "Plan A" sort of things! He touched me to console me-- gently patted my knee, rubbed my neck. He began talking to me about our M. He asked what he could do to be a better H, I laughed and shook my head not wanting to talk at the time. He persisted. He asked if he is he providing me with everything I need, does he treat me like a queen...told me that I am a good woman, a good wife. So I asked what I could do to be a better W. He said nothing that I am "working on" everything and he can see that. We visited with my family. He was telling my Grandmom about us; he said, "Some people are just meant to be together." I can't tell you how much all of that meant to me.

He is definitely NOT indifferent. I think he acts in a way where it seems he is "burying his head in the sand" just to protect us...but, obviously, he is taking this seriously. I don't think he is going to have OM around me, I think he is going to keep his eyes on OM as "a friend", and I know he is going to see me through this.

[It's sad that BS are in the position where they have to console WS. It's ridiculous! It should be the other way around.]

I am, actually, quite fortunate that neither H nor anyone else close to us considers this an EA...because when this is over (SOON, hopefully?!), we can move on and just be done with it forever. Well, I could use this as a reminder of how I should NEVER let my guard down.

Fullmoon,

This sounds like the perfect time to introduce MB concepts of meeting ENs and avoiding LBs in your M. Let H know that you want to have a wonderful, passionate love in your M - a love that can thrive in the ups and downs of life.

AM

IMHO, examining OM's motives/character etc. detracts and deflects from focusing on yourself and your responsibility in your wrong doing. That's where your focus should be. On you.

The OM could have been anyone, good or bad he is ordinary and not special in any way. To think so is what someone with an active affair mind-set would think & say. You're the one who made the decision to open the emotional door for "anyone" to step into your marriage. YOU are the responsible party.

Until you see that, you will still be dangerous to your husband and marriage.

Resilient is right. It doesn't matter what the OM does and says and it doesn't matter if your H is oblivious to the threat or not. What matters is what YOU DO to affair proof your marriage. The onus falls on you completely. Therefore, I would explain to your H that the OM is a temptation to you and since you care so much about your marriage that you won't be around him anymore. End of story. Just cut him out of your life and be done with it.

And like Resilient said, the issue is that you opened yourself emotionally to this man. That is risky behavior that I would correct.

fullmoon, Dr Willard Harley is not just some guy on the internet, but a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. Here is an article about your EXACT SAME SITUATION that both you and your H should read:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin?

Some excerpts from the article [RJ is the wife and Bob is the H's "friend" to which RJ is attracted]:

"The solution to R.J.'s problem at the time she wrote her letter is to follow the Rule of Honesty. She should write her husband the same letter she wrote me. He should know about the disaster that is about to take place so he can protect both himself and herself from it.

Then, I'm afraid, they must both distance themselves from Bob. Even though this man may not have any feelings for R.J., her feelings for him make him too dangerous to have as a friend, at least until they are able to improve their conversations with each other. If R.J. stops seeing and talking to Bob, the feelings she has for him will subside, but at first she may go through a period of withdrawal where she misses him terribly. Withdrawal usually only lasts a few weeks, with those feelings popping up once in a while after that. If her feelings for Bob eventually disappear, her husband can remain friends with him. But if R.J. finds that they reappear whenever they are together, they should plan to end their friendship with Bob.

This may seem very harsh and unrealistic, but the alternative to ending such a friendship is to create a huge risk of having an affair. And if Bob were to know how she feels about him, then they most certainly should end their friendship with him."

I think I must have read that about a year ago??? It sounds familiar. It is *precisely* the same situation I am going through...with the exception of: I don't know which emotional need of mine is not being met. Perhaps, it is one that is not on the list: a need for H to express emotions at all/challenge? Who knows if I don't know?

H and I actually completed the last page of the EN questionaire (I don't know how I got him to do that! Yeah!)...and we discussed it.

Melody, in the example from Coping with an Affair that you directed me to, Dr. Harley has determined that W is not (yet) having an A. This must be true for me...since no one else believes that I have crossed any lines. BUT I was talking to my sibling about discussing this with OM...and Dr. Harley said that would have been a big mistake. I am glad that I kept talking to people and found my way to these boards FIRST.

And in the illustration, OM and H have the opportunity to preserve their friendship. This is exactly what I want to happen: my M to be fortified, me to move on, me to have NC with OM, and me not to interfere with their friendship.

Since H and I are talking and beginning to discuss MB concepts, I think we will be just fine. THANK YOU ALL IMMENSELY for your direction and support. It has meant so much to me!!!

(I am going to stick around here for awhile just to make sure I keep my H and I on the right track...)

BTW, since I got H to start checking out the ENs, I am going to try to get him to read this story in Part 1, as well. :-)