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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Looking back now that I am out of the fog of the depression, I did ignore her. I was afraid to communicate with her for fear of getting into an argument. That is not a good way to live for either of us. she did tell me at times that I never tell her anything. She was/is mad at my sister because she knew more about what was going on in my life than my wife. I could talk to my sister and not be afraid of getting belittled or getting into a fight. I never knew how to not LB when this happened, so I didn't take the chance of starting a conversation. I spent a lot of time in the study on the computer so I didn't have to be around her. This made for a crappy life for both of us. It didn't bother me as much because I was in depression and had little for emotions. WS is always full of emotions (that's one of the things I love about her) and this really tore her up.

Ah, understand one thing: A's happen because spouses 'ignore each other.' Nothing new here. My point to you is to NOT allow her to assume the mantle of 'victim'. She doesn't deserve it, and it will hinder your healing.

I am waiting to hear that she acknowledges this terrible misdeed and owns it. Short of that, I'm worried for you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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MB,
She is not the victim, she chose to do it. Until she admits to it and understands that her EA prevented her from trying to repair our marriage, WE will not work and I don't want her back. As much as I hurt now, I like where I am going. I want to make the journey with her, but not her the way she is right now. She needs to accept it for what it is and get rid of her feelings that made her seek out emotional attention from someone else.


ME: 48
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Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
MB,
She is not the victim, she chose to do it. Until she admits to it and understands that her EA prevented her from trying to repair our marriage, WE will not work and I don't want her back. As much as I hurt now, I like where I am going. I want to make the journey with her, but not her the way she is right now. She needs to accept it for what it is and get rid of her feelings that made her seek out emotional attention from someone else.
Good. Good that you both know this. She agrees with this,correct?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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I have told her that as long as she is contacting him, she is getting her needs met by him and she won't work on the marriage. I have not told her I don't want her back until she admits it, NCs him, and gets help. That is more of the Plan B right, and I am still in Plan A, she has only been moved out 5 days. She did tell me yesterday that she wants to bring things up with the MC so she has a neutral party to hear it and decide, so it sounds like she wants to talk about marriage issues; but I'll have to wait until the session to see what she wants to talk about. I am being optimistic that she wants to talk about issues.


ME: 48
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D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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Well I am going to the counselor tomorrow morning without my wife. It will be good to talk to him about all I've discovered about myself and my wife since the last visit 6 weeks ago. It will be interesting to see his reaction to it all. Hopefully he can help me with a strategy for our couple counseling in 2 weeks.


ME: 48
WAW:47
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D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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Okay, how do I talk to my wife about a problem with our son. He is 2 hours past curfew and not home. I went looking for him, worried sick. I am mad at my wife, because she walked away and complained that I get everything and she gets nothing, but she doesn't have to be a parent and worry about this stuff anymore. She is probably sleeping soundly while I worry. I am so mad at her. I can't even say anything without it being a LB!


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Yes do not discuss this yet to your wife, especially if you have resentment towards her right now.

You need to have a talk with your son, and explain that he has a curfew, and he should respect you enough to listen to you. Maybe ask him if everything is ok? Don't argue with him, don't ground him, their might be something on his mind that he's not telling you, so talk to him, see if he will talk to you. Let him know that you love him soo much, and you don't want this situation to break your family apart.

After the talk, let him know that this is just a warning, and you would appreciate it if he would come home on time.

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He fell asleep at his girlfriends while watching a movie. That's twice this week he missed curfew, last night was by 3.5 hours. It could be a reaction to mom moving out, but he needs to be responsible. We talked last night.


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Is it the younger or older son? My son was not quite 19 when WXH moved out and did the same thing. I talked with him but I tried not to pressure him in any way. He seemed to need to process everything his own way and it did include some slightly risky behavior. At 18/19, there's not a whole lot you can do.

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The IC session went well. We had a good talk about me and our marriage. While he doesn't read the MB books, his philosophy is very similar. He doesn't believe in exposure of EA. His theory is it doesn't do anything to improve you or the marriage. But we had a good talk about my progress, depression and recovery, and mistakes WE made. I gave him a lot more insight into WAW's mental position and relationship with mother so he can understand it. Talked a lot about mistakes we made and how to change them. He didn't call it that, but we talked a lot more on Plan A and reconnecting with my wife. He is prepared a lot more for her position and said that whatever happens in our MC session to listen and don't react; she probably has a lot to say. I made another Appt. for 1 week after our session. It felt good to talk and get things off my chest.


ME: 48
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D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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Tabby, it is my 19.5 year old. He says he didn't do it on purpose, just fell asleep because he was so tired from work. He is a bear to wake up, his girlfriend probably tried and gave up. Told him it's not acceptable. He was always close with mom, but he says he is fine with her mover out. He even helped her move and has been over there. My younger one has not been over there and does not talk to her, but has sent her a few texts. He is not happy with her decision.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Tabby, it is my 19.5 year old. He says he didn't do it on purpose, just fell asleep because he was so tired from work. He is a bear to wake up, his girlfriend probably tried and gave up. Told him it's not acceptable. He was always close with mom, but he says he is fine with her mover out. He even helped her move and has been over there. My younger one has not been over there and does not talk to her, but has sent her a few texts. He is not happy with her decision.

I've dealt with the curfew thing. AH, consider not putting too much stock in his lateness having anything to do with WW. Teens have been late for curfew since Cain and Abel.

I dealt with it by cutting regular curfew back a few hours, and letting them 'earn' their old curfew back by being on time for the new curfew. It worked.


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I broke curfew all of the time and my parent's weren't separated until I was 32 so it had nothing to do with that. laugh

My parents tried grounding me for 1 day for every minute I was late. Didn't work.

The only thing I remember was, my parents, one night, stayed out really late. They didn't call and no one knew where they were. My sister, brother and I were so worried that when they came home we let them have it. They smiled and said, "So, how does it feel?" I don't remember being late after that, without a phone call at least.

Just started dealing with DS10 going to a friend's house by himself and having to be home at a certain time. When he came home late the first time, by 10 minutes, I told him that the next time, he had to be home 10 minutes earlier. It did seem to work. laugh


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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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He is late all the time, so this is not something due to the breakup. So he needs to know it won't be acceptable now either. Hopefully the tongue lashing last night will do some good.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
He is late all the time, so this is not something due to the breakup. So he needs to know it won't be acceptable now either. Hopefully the tongue lashing last night will do some good.

Okay, so really this curfew thing isn't something new that you're dealing with now that WW is gone. It's just that you have to deal with it alone. You resent that of her. No problem there. I understand that. hug


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Yes, that is the problem. She leads her single, carefree life and I have all of the burdens of the house, kids, dogs, bills, etc. It makes me mad, especially when she says I get it all, and she gets nothing. It was her choice to leave, not mine. I created an environment where she wasn't happy, but that wasn't me, it was the depression. The counselor said I have done a real good job so far of making the steps out of the depression and I have the right attitude regarding working on myself and not worrying about the marriage because I can't do anything directly about it. I am seeing him individually a week after our joint session. The joint session is 2 weeks from today, but I am already getting anxious to see where it is going to go. It is going to be a loooong 2 weeks.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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The resentment is NORMAL. Just get a solid Plan A together and execute it. What are you doing for that tomorrow?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Another text in the morning. I called her today and asked her if should like like to meet me for lunch this week, but she has returned no phone calls or texts. I can't do anything else other than keep texting and calling. I did give her the TV from out of our bedroom and got a digital converter box from my sister for her so she can get the local channels.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Have you used Princess Meggy's great text yet? "I heard on the news today that aliens are abducting all of the sexy people. I will miss you." I LOVE this one too. It could mean your WW is the sexy one about to be abducted or YOU. It's a great one. Keep the texts light and fun. Like good morning or some joke you heard. You can write some emails of the remember when kind.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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She changed her e-mail provider to a free one and I don't have the address.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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