Ok...Although I've never cheated or have been cheated on(can't say that for sure) I know a thing or two about extra-marital affairs...Not so long ago, I used to think all affairs end in a divorce. Now after having read a number of success stories ,I know it is not so...

Just thought this might be a good place to ask a few questions to fill in my curiosity about the aftermath of affairs. Can I post a few questions if you wouldn't mind?

Thanks in Advance...

ask away......

Here goes...So, people say that the WS and the FWS are completely different personalities...With the fog, entitlement and all that the WS is depicted as a cruel and evil person.

So if the FWS is a transformed person as they and the BS claim to be, how does a FWS reconcile with the fact that s/he is rewarded for his/her affair with a transformed marriage and a loving & forgiving spouse instead of being punished? How does their �sense-of-fairness� allow that? Should they not feel what they get is totally undue for what they�ve done, especially after the cruelty they dished out to their victims during their period of fog?

Every person has the concept of 'Crime and Punishment' imbibed in them. So will they not feel like the character Raskolnikov of Dostoevsky's 'Crime and Punishment' for the rest of their lives, rather than feeling happy about how things turned out in their favor?

PS: I know I am being judgmental towards the FWS. But,I've never known one in person (except my ex-gf) to know if they are good people. Please understand that my intention is not to insult the FWS. I am only trying to find out if the FWS getting forgiven is justified and maybe learn to respect them for what they are now.

PPS: English is not my first-language. Excuse my writing errors

Are you doing research, or something?

@Pepperband

Are you Hindu?

Agnostic...The signature line is from Gita - A Hindu scripture...

I dunno why u r curious about me...newayz I thought I could PM you my Facebook profile, but cudn't since PM is disabled...

I think posters here will be wary of you until you tell us more about yourself. you are asking questions about people's very painful, private experiences and not saying much about how you intend to use this information.

You could post your Facebook link here, if you are happy for people to see your profile.

here you go...But I might remove it later, if that's fine.

**edit**

How do you intend to use the comments that people provide for you?

I'm harmless...Just trying to educate myself

You won't find a single repentant revovered FWS who would in any way think they had received a reward. Such are in awe everyday of their BS and know how lucky they are to have turned around. They cannot look at their actions without disgust.

As a fairly new BS (me)
do you really believe that???

I have no idea who or what Raskolnikov of Dostoevsky's 'Crime and Punishment' but Flick my FWH would agree entirely with BK

most definitely.

Aaromale, I think that your premise is mistaken. A transformed marriage is not a reward for an affair. Rather, it's the result of attentiveness of both spouses toward one another, of their efforts to protect one another & meet one another's needs. People in such marriages after an affair realize that they could've attained better marriages without the affair. And I was not "rewarded" with a loving & forgiving spouse; rather, I had a loving & forgiving spouse all along; I just didn't appreciate her the way I should have.

Forgiveness is a mystery I have no answer for. I can't speak from Raskolnikov's standpoint. Alyona and Lizaveta (his victims) weren't around after the crime, so the question of forgiveness didn't come up for them. I certainly haven't gotten my "due." I deserve much worse than I've gotten. But my wife wants me and I have no right to tell her that her forgiveness isn't good enough for me. I can't ever deserve it, but I can only continue to try to be worthy of it.

Hi...Thanks for the replies



I hope that you do understand, that I being an outsider, do not comprehend the thought process of either the BS/FWS. So I'm sorry if I've made (or make...please do point out if I do) any hurtful assumptions.


When I read a few stories, the image of the FWS that comes to my mind has some smugness(no offence meant) attached to it. Just wanted to clear that away. My actual question should have been something like "Do the FWS suffer as much as the BS did before they can savor their transformed marriage?"

that's the name of the main character in a Russian novel. i just remembered that name as i was typing crime and punishment(the title of the novel being the same)...

@GloveOil
you were right about my premise..but i got it from this story

**edit**

where the FWS says "It took having the affair to finally open my eyes. Everything we went through made us stronger. So, this may sound awful, but I guess I'm not sorry for the affair. I'm sorry that I hurt so many people � especially my husband and daughters. But our family bond has been tested, and I now know it's unbreakable."

i was taken aback...No offence, but that statement made me think that the FWS have it easy. IMHO no matter how much you try to romanticize the reconciliation process in the aftermath of an affair, it really isn�t romantic. I believe you'd agree too.

I am of the firm opinion that the FWS suffers far more than the BS did.

That example you quote is atypical however clearly that "F"WS does not fall in the category I mentioned earlier.

I have been both a BS and a WS, and I can assure you that it is far worse being the WS. There's nothing quite as horrible as the debilitating guilt experienced by a WS when they wake up and discover the truly horrible nature of what they have done. It is a shock beyond belief to have to accept that you have become the sort of person you never thought you could become. It was extremely difficult to be betrayed by my H, but it was far more difficult when I finally woke up and realized that I had betrayed myself and gone against everything I believed in.

Romantic??? I'm not sure where you got the idea that the reconciliation process after an affair is "romantic." Certainly not from Marriage Builders! The process is very, very difficult and grueling emotionally. It requires a great deal of self discipline, tremendous self examination, patience, self-soothing, and WORK to change the bad habits of a lifetime, replacing them with new, healthier ones. You have to be really motivated, and in it for the long haul.

The romance comes AFTER the reconciliation work has begun to pay off. Takes many months. And you have to KEEP on with those new ways to make it last. You can't get it "fixed" and then get lazy.

Gives a whole new meaning to the word "romance."