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Fantie, don't agree to sell the house.

" I love this house, this is where my family is staying. Wasn't it great weather today, oh sheesh, look at those windows, must get at them tomorrow ........"

Fantie, don't make it easy for him to financially move out and shack up with OW.

He is still in contact with her. The A is active.

Everything he is saying is hogwash, treat it as such.

I'm not familiar with the threads over here, posters who have Plan A'd then gone to Plan B. Like I said, Scotland's is the one that I'm most familiar with.

Please read that thread.

She Plan A'd and I believe is still in Plan B. ???
Point being, there is great advice on that thread, that you can use toward your own sitch.

It sounds like you are likely heading towards Plan B. Even if you aren't, you should be making plans for Plan B.
You will find this info on Scotland's thread also.
Plan A must be spectacular prior to Plan B. (Plan B means NC between you and WH, therefore his last impression of you
needs to be of the BEST you)

Not only am I rusty, my Plan B was not exactly the MB way, so I'm weak at that.




M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Well we talked for about 2 hours - feel like I got alot accomplished - earlier today he told me to go see a lawyer and to put the house on the market - and after our conversation I was like lets' give it 3 months - before we decide anything. I tried my best to convince him to stay at the house and live upstairs in our space room.

He told me that he called his boss and told him about the affair and that he was getting away - his boss told him to quit the affair (to end it or his job will be at risk which I really think scared him because he needs to support those kids)

I made him show me that his gmail account (the one he used with her) was closed - is there a way of checking out - I did create a fake name and send him an e-mail but before it was bounced back to me but it was really still open (I think he rejected e-mails from anyone)

He's off tomorrow and said he will come by in the afternoon after the kids get out of camp. We had a great day today - with a few exception - had fun doing fireworks with the kids.

I told him that he needed to go get tested for STD"s and he said get the paperwork and he'll go (not that it has happened since finding out)

He says that he has lost himself and wants to find himself again and that we need to start out as friends and build from there.

How am I doing. Definately going to read Scottie's thread.

As always thanks for all your help - and I'll take all the advice!!!


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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You are doing fine but you need to make sure that there is no relationship talk.

So have you identified your WH's top ENs? And figured out what the LBs you were guilty of committing and how to avoid them? THis is where your focus needs to be right now. Your Plan A is where you have to be focused right now. Can you do it?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Fantie, the 3 month thing was great, I totally forgot that I did that with my H. No decisions for 3 months. Very good. (within that 3 months my H was saying things like "we HAVE to stay married" and it started a move back to sanity, though in my sad story there ware 4 years of false recoveries.)

You have to be clear on what YOU want (and YOUR Plans, A and B) and act accordingly. No more reacting to the rantings of an insane wayward.


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Hi Fantie, hows those plans going?

I thought I might suggest you read cherryanns thread, shes at about the same place as you are, but starting a great plan A. cherryann's thread

FWIW worth I was in plan A for 3 months, and I was so ready for plan B when it came. The normal recommendation for a woman is for a few weeks, unfortunately I had some mitigating circumstances preventing it. After the first week or so of plan B I actually felt better about a lot of things, and frankly it becomes an enormous relief to just get away from the WH madness.

Quote
He says that he has lost himself and wants to find himself again and that we need to start out as friends and build from there.
Thats pretty much what plan A is about, doing the things (EN's) that attracted you to your spouse when you were first dating. Your back to courting and if it works out right, you'll be courting each other forever which is very lovely smile

If WH says or does anything which makes you want to AO, just hold it and wait until you can unless the fury here were it's safe wink


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what is ENs and LBs?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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ENs=Emotional needs LBs=Love busters.

Here is a thread that you may find useful. It links a lot of threads and other info that will help you through your journey.

[Linked Image from bestsmileys.com]


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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So if he gets his own place (which he is going to look for today but told me he wouldn't sign a lease today without talking to me and only wanted to get a lease for 3 months) this is ok - I mentioned to him to get an studio apt. and that when I work at the hospital at night then he could come here - keep the kids in their own enviroment. then he talked about making it a fun place for the kids to go to - he said he feels like he isn't a good Dad when I am around (I make him too uptight) and that I could come over and hang out -


Our 9 year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks - should I ask him out for dinner or should I wait until he asks me out on a date?

One thing that is hard is my friends tell me to go to the lawyer that he has done enough damage to me? How do I handle that?
Ok what does AO mean?

Thanks - great advice and support - keep it coming.



BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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DO NOT TELL HIM IT IS OKAY TO MOVE INTO HIS OWN PLACE. Moving into his own place is his way of making it easier for him to carry on his affair.

Also, I don't know about putting a time limit onto your attempt at recovering. Are you going to Plan A until the 3 months are up? WHat if you decide before that to go into Plan B(which you most likely WILL have to do before 3 months, since DrH suggests only 3-4 weeks of Plan A for women).

AO=Angry outburst. Read the acronyms thread I linked in the newly betrayed thread. laugh There are a LOT of acronyms out there, this thread will help.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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There is no time line to recovery as I know it will be a long road. However, I just said let's not talk about divorce for 3 months.

Plan A - is where I wine and dine him and be my best and show him I can meet his emotional needs

Plan B? is what?

scotland - you said "DO NOT TELL HIM IT IS OKAY TO MOVE INTO HIS OWN PLACE" - how can I convince him to stay at home? I thought I tried everything.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Quote
scotland - you said "DO NOT TELL HIM IT IS OKAY TO MOVE INTO HIS OWN PLACE" - how can I convince him to stay at home? I thought I tried everything.

You cannot convince him.
What you can do is articulate how his plans/behaviors/decisions make you feel.
In a non-love busting way, of course.

"If you decide to move out, it will be very painful for me."
"This adulterous affair is breaking my heart. Moving out will deepen the hurt."

Just facts.
No accusations.
No pleading or whining.



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Fantie, you asked about what to tell your friends who tell you to head to the lawyer.

Part of Plan A is to secure your finances. I think you might need to go back to see the lawyer you liked the best, tell them H wants to move out, you want to try to save the M, and find out how to protect your finances and the kids from his insanity.

That does not mean start divorce proceedings, although some people do end up needing to do that. It means find out what strategic moves you need to make to protect yourself and those children.

And tell your friends that you are giving the process some time, that he is not in his right mind and you are going to be hurt anyway, so why not try to save things if it can be done?

I have no idea if these numbers are true, I learned them from another site which shall remain nameless. It was that an affair takes 2 years to recover from when you recover the marriage in a healthy way, but a divorce takes 5 years to recover from.


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Quote
scotland - you said "DO NOT TELL HIM IT IS OKAY TO MOVE INTO HIS OWN PLACE" - how can I convince him to stay at home? I thought I tried everything.

You cannot convince him.
What you can do is articulate how his plans/behaviors/decisions make you feel.
In a non-love busting way, of course.

"If you decide to move out, it will be very painful for me."
"This adulterous affair is breaking my heart. Moving out will deepen the hurt."

Just facts.
No accusations.
No pleading or whining.

This is what I meant. You can NOT control anyone's actions except your own.

I made sure that I told my friends and family that this is what I wanted to do and although I understood that they thought differently than they did, that I would appreciate the support in this way. It seems to get better when people see how much better you are dealing with things.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair? I think you would get A LOT of helpful information from that. Also, you could start reading the links on the right hand side titled "How to survive infidelity."


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Well how things can change in a flash - he went to look at apartments this morning and I even suggested a few for him to look at. our son has been acting up and so I called him this morning so he could talk to our son. just a little hint for him to see how all of this is affected our children.

He called a few times telling me about each apt. I told him that there was always a room upstairs in our house - and that the rent is really cheap. He told me that was in his mind also.

He decided to pick up our son from camp and take him bike riding afterwards and talk to him about how he's been acting. then they came home and I was having a tea party with our daughter and he joined in.

Then he was on his computer and called me over to show me a house nearby where he grew up - I was baffled - he even told me that he asked our son if he wanted to live near Grannie and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa - I was shocked because this is the first I had heard of it. I did mention about moving closer to family and friends in a letter - I am Canadian and he is from south of Boston so we have no family down here which is hard on the both of us.

then he shows me some jobs that he is going to inquire about up in MA - and starts getting really excited about moving and how we will have so much help. He asked me if I was open to going back to work part time - I am just like what the heck is going on - did I miss something - did he come out of the fog?

Then we were suppose to go on a trip to the Cape (where he is from) and then he asks me if I was open to go still (even though I canceled all of our plans and flights) he said we could look at houses and jobs and just get a feel of what town we wanted to move to -

I start making supper and he actually helps me out in the kitchen. He tells me that he will come stay at the house - and not get an apt. I ask him that before we move forward with a vacation and a big move (from Texas to MA)that I need to know that he is willing to work on the marriage - he said I am trying to say that and wouldn't talk about all of this if I wasn't - we are going to take it slow -

He even called his parents and told them that we were coming up there and told me to rebook our flights

He went to his hotel tonight because I could tell that he is stressed about going into work tomorrow and seeing the OW. He was going to the hotel to work on his resume -

I think someone punched me - is this a dream? I know that this will be a long road to recovery but we are moving in the right direction.

I plan to move ahead with caution - and keep in plan A.

Any other suggestions?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Plan A for now and see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully, the contact with OW won't change his mind again. Keep up with YOUR plans and work on your side of the fence.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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fant, read everything on this site. Waywards go up and down like yoyos.

If he is in NC with OW the fog might lift, but if he sees her he will get thrown back into the A.

Buy the books, look at all the articles here. MB knowledge is the key to having a good M.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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The OW is still his secretary - and she doesn't plan on leaving and he can't fire her (but the big boss told him to quit the affair or his job would be at risk)

I know he had a busy rough day at work yesterday after having a week off to clear his head. I went out last night for a few hours once he got home - I dind't want him to feel the pressure of me there. I got home at 8pm and we chatted a bit about going to his home town for a vacation and we worked on airline tickets - he started to become frazzled and I just say let's work on this another time -

He slept upstairs in our spare room - I laid in bed downstairs wondering if he was on the computer or his blackberry with her. I guess this is where the hard work starts to start to repair your marriage.

When he left for work this morning he came to find me and say goodbye (which before he would just leave) I just replied thanks and have a good day.

I am in Plan A and tying to keep it all together. Any other tips, advice or suggestions to help start heal this marriage?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by fantieverdun
The OW is still his secretary - and she doesn't plan on leaving and he can't fire her (but the big boss told him to quit the affair or his job would be at risk)

Oh man, as long as they work together the A will most likely never end and your M will never recover. One of them has to go.

If your WH wants to heal this M, he is going to have to get another job. I know that you are going to say that he can't afford to quit, but ask me I know, quitting and finding another job will be a whole lot cheaper than a divorce. On that note, I am an expert.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Originally Posted by ChaiLover
Originally Posted by fantieverdun
The OW is still his secretary - and she doesn't plan on leaving and he can't fire her (but the big boss told him to quit the affair or his job would be at risk)

Oh man, as long as they work together the A will most likely never end and your M will never recover. One of them has to go.

If your WH wants to heal this M, he is going to have to get another job. I know that you are going to say that he can't afford to quit, but ask me I know, quitting and finding another job will be a whole lot cheaper than a divorce. On that note, I am an expert.

She is right. The best way to look at this is as long as they work together they are still involved. No ifs ands or butts about it.

There is no way to go NC if they work together.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Like Chai I am an expert on this too. My XH still works with PP (even though he is no longer her boss) and it has been 2 years and the affairage is in October.

I know that XH had guilt at the beginning but going into work with the OW, he was drawn in and now he thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants with no accountability.

The OW will tell your H everything he wants to hear and even if he wants to restore the M she will put up daily roadblocks.

In most cases it is the boss that gets fired instead of the direct report because they are the ones that should know better.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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