Fantie, I agree with the others, one of them has to leave that job. ASAP. Divorce is more expensive than unemployment.

My H also continued to work with his AP and that didn't stop until the day I announced that I would be showing up whenever I felt like it to his work place. She transferred the same day. (even that didn't kill the affair but it made it harder.)

I agree with that too - he is looking into other jobs and we are looking into moving from Texas to MA to be closer to family and friends. I have been in contact with the employees I told and they are keeping an eye on things for me.

We are going to go away next week up to MA to look at houses and jobs.

I know the evil person that she is and I am sure she is trying to lure him and do everything possible.

This part sucks!!!

fantie, the marriage will never heal as long as they work together. Recovery will be impossible. If he won't end contact after 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A, then the next step is PLAN B, a completely dark separation.

You are about at the place where you would go into Plan B NOW. I would plan on separating from him until he ends all contact. If you continue to remain in contact with your H while he sees his lover every day at work, then you are probably headed for a nervous breakdown. When that happens, your marriage is really over.

So, if you are serious about saving your marriage, I would explain to him that the only way for this to work is for him to leave the job. Then if he refuses, you should get a legal separation/file for divorce and go very dark in a Plan B.

Watching the lovers in contact does not solve the problem. The problem is that they SEE each other and until that STOPS, there will be no withdrawal and no recovery. They are both triggered every day they see each other at work. Other employees "watching" does not prevent that and it does not prevent from meeting away from work.

This is not a solution, fantie. And I would prepare to get a legal separation until he ends that job. Plan A is supposed to be a very short term plan for women, about 3-4 weeks. You are already past that.

The problem is that he CAN BE LURED.


Fantie, I suggested to this you, too, and you didn't take my advice. If you would go to the office every day and see her, she would get out of there quick enough. Why arent you doing that?

Fantie, the affair is not over. He is still hiding his contact with her. And that will continue until he leaves the job.

You have been in Plan A long enough. I would prepare for Plan B.

I agreed with this advice...and Vittoria also threw in her 2cents to do this. We did this to my sister's OW and I cannot stress how much SHE HATED BEING CONFRONTED.

There is nothing in the no contact policy that says:

"No contact after a suitable replacement job can be arranged."

It is no contact, now. Find a replacement job later, if that is an issue.

Have no tolerance for any reason for delaying this, no matter how rational.

Sorry I have been gone for a few days - both kids have been really sick and have been taking care of them.

update- he has been at home since Tuesday - he has been sleeping upstairs - he has been nice and has been doing kind things at home (for example I fell asleep and he came in to remove the pillow behind my head because my neck was all crooked), he bought me a new toner for my printer without me asking -

last time we had talked was about moving - when I asked him yesterday if that was still the plan he said no - of course not because he went back to work and has seen her -

It's like he is pulling at my strings - does nice things but then says he still hates coming home - and has no feelings towards me

can someone summarize plan B for me - I literally have no time to myself as the kids are always at my heels since they are so young.

Is plan B my next step?

Thanks

Yes, fantie. I would ask him to move out. Once he moves out, I would change the locks and send him a Plan B letter. In the Plan B letter, you would include a visitation schedule for him and the kids and specify that you expect him to continue paying the bills as usual.

Plan B means complete and total no contact. Any contact should be through and intermediary and it should only be pertinent information about finances and children.

Use the letter in Surviving an Affair and alter it to fit your situation. I would write it and then post it and let us give you feedback.

But the first step is asking him to leave. I would start off with a conversation that goes something like this:

"Dear, here is what it will take to recover our marriage, an end to contact with the OW and a committment to recover our marriage. That means we sleep together every night, open up our lives to each other and get into counseling [use Marriage Builders] I am willing to stay in this marriage on those conditions. If you can't agree to that then I would ask that you move out today. Your continued contact with OW and your lack of committment to this marriage are too painful for me.

You had offered to leave, and I am now taking you up on that offer."

I have been busy working on my plan B for the past few days. There is an opportunity for me to go back to work full time and I have been looking into daycare for my 3 year old and afterschool care for my son.

Monday was our 9 year anniversary - he brought me roses. We spoke last night - he told me his focus has been on making enough money to support us because he knows he has to pay child support, and keeping our son in the same school. Blah blah. Again he is all over the map and contradicts himself all the time. I told him that he can't live upstairs and we can't continue to live like this - that if he decides to work on our marriage then we can discuss that - but if not then he needs to move out. When I bring up the OW he gets very defensive - which indicates that the A is still going on.

He said we would talk again tonight - I told him I wanted an answer as to if he was willing to work on our marriage. In the meantime I have my plan B letter to send to him.

Do you have your Plan B letter ready then? You need to post it so you can get it edited by the vets. Looks like TODAY is the start of your Plan B. I am sorry, but he is going to continue his affair and you will need to show him that you ARE serious.

Get that Plan B figured out today in these last few hours and prepare yourself. Are you going to pack up all of his stuff? Or are you going to let him do it himself? Do you have somewhere your kids could stay while you are having the "talk" with your WH.

Well i wrote that early this morning - he decided to call in sick so we could talk today (however he did not know that I was having a mom's club pool party today) we talked a bit today and he said to me so you think we can really save this marriage? I told him yes - it will take time but I know we can love each other again.

He wants to sit down today and get a plan on the things we are going to change in our marriage - and work on them. The kids are home so we haven't had time to talk much.

Any advice?

if he decides to stay and work on the marriage - how do I suggest MB counseling to him without him finding out about this discussion board etc.

Would your user name be a give away? If not, then you can just show him the main website without pointing out the discussion board.

** CAKE-EATING ALERT**

Be prepared for him to try to negotiate a way out of this. He may even try to just buy a little time, wanting to keep both you and OW in the picture until he can figure out his next step.

If he isn't ready to meet your conditions of NC, working w/Harleys, etc, move to Plan B. Be confident. Don't waver

Fan --

Where is your voice?

In your last 2 posts you keep talking about what HE wants.
He's not capable of driving this bus, fanti!

If you keep listening to him, he's going to have you up and down, round and round -- because what he WANTS is going to change whimiscally on how he FEELS.

Somebody with a PLAN and some LOGIC needs to be in charge here.
That should be YOU fanti!

He doesn't get to "decide" anything.
Here is your side of that discussion:

End the affair. Right now.

or

Leave

There is no "working" on a marriage when one of the married people has a girlfriend.

The sirens are going off here. I've been there and see it plain as day. Besides, as long as he works with her in any cpacity there is no point going to the next step.

Everyone is right, I just posted a response real quick before catching up on your thread. There can be no working on the marriage until he agrees to meet ALL the conditions.

In his wayward mind he is running around in circles.

You are being tested and so is OW and he is trying to see what eggs to put in what basket. He is looking for the "better deal" to meet his needs.

This is the time to be strong and firm and not lose it. He is on the fence and trying not to fall in either direction.

Time to take the hoe out and knock him down and pray he falls in your direction. Have a good plan. Listen to these vets that have recovered their M.

Blessings.