|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
Perhaps it is time to be completely open with your H and to tell him that not only are you infatuated with his friend, but the fact that you are physically attracted to him as well. I agree, but she also needs to tell him about OM's behavior as well. FM, I guess you're ignoring my posts about this since this is the THIRD time I've suggested this and you have yet to address this... with us OR with your husband. FM: I agree with PM. You need to tell him everything. Stop protecting OM. Maybe your H is secure, and doesn't want to have the convo NOW. So write him a letter. Put EVERYTHING in it. And give it to him. Tell him that he does not have to read it now. But you feel that it is important that he HAS the info. And when he is comfortable, he can read it. Your actions may or may not have be reciprocated by the OM. And in many cases, when we are wayward, the actions of the target of our affections can get way out of proportion, to thier actual meaning. A look, or a saying from OM, may be innocent to him, but have worlds of other meaning to you. But write the letter. You looked over the edge andsaw that you could end up in a full blown EZ/PA with this guy if your let yourself. You now KNOW how easy that is to do. This is very powerful knowledge. Your on the right website to help you to back away from that edge, and construct the fences to avoid falling off that edge. Your H, however, isn't interested it seems, in this MB Stuff. And that is cool. There will be a time and place when it will be important to him. But you can do wonders by implementing more MB Style practices in your life. And that is all that you can control. If he gets on board, than you can have a terriffic marriage going forward. You can still have a strong marriage going forward even if he does NOT buy in. Sounds like he is a good guy. And that is the important part. You work on yourself, Thats all we can do. And then see what happens. LG
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
Meggy, I am not ignoring your posts. My H thinks that there is nothing going on and I am making this up in my head...and I keep analyzing OM's behaviors and trying to see how they might be "innocent" or "harmless". What if I was reading things that weren't there, wouldn't I be foolish? I create this big fuss and "incriminate" this man for something I did??? I'm very concerned about that...
My H seems to think he is this perfect friend who was only trying to be my friend. Shouldn't my H be able to pick up on *something* if this man was trying to do anything more?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552 |
Your husband is right about one thing, you are overanalyzing this to death.
He's told you how he feels. In fact, it isn't up to him (or this board) to make you stop obsessing about this guy.
JUST STOP DOING IT!.
Hold yourself to NC, avoid being around him at any occasion, and by no means should you call or accept calls or email from the OM.
If you find yourself thinking about him, picture your husband and kids in your mind and think happy thoughts.
You've learned a little about MB principles, why don't you start living them every day?
I applaud you for recognizing how vulnerable you are, but you have to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions at some point. I love a good bourbon whiskey, but tend to over indulge with the hard stuff, so I don't keep it in my house.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Fullmoon, I've pulled quotes from your thread of all the things you've said about OM. Maybe you can see where it is VERY confusing about what's really going on: I just need clarification on one part of this: Is it wrong of me to ruin their friendship if OM has not done anything wrong? At most he flirts lightly, makes unnecessary sexual references (that my ears seem to pick up like antennae)...but overall fairly harmless. He's never directly told me anything about "us" and once in awhile he has said things to push me away. Pepperband, wow...we've covered 1-8. There have been no special gifts given or received...though, actually, I have bought him 3 things on 3 separate occasions (that I never gave him). After I purchased them, I thought to myself, "Are you crazy?! What are you thinking?!" But I was just so excited to buy it. It's still at my house. And he makes excuses to call me every now and then (to talk about random things I don't even think he cares about). 11-15 we have not done at all. But I do see how it could be headed there. There came a time in my marriage when my H and I had been bickering over little things that coincided with a time when OM started seeking to talk to me more whenever he came to our home...and it just kinda *clicked*. I thought it would go away as easily as it appeared and it did not. Road and Bliss, I did not tell BH anything about OM's behavior. I don't want to implicate OM if he felt his flirtations were harmless. I can only confess to what my feelings were. He said OM name today (so we're definitely on the same page), he said he doesn't want to know about me fantasizing about sleeping with his friend, he doesn't understand how we could have an emotional/mental connection when we barely talk, OM and I don't talk about anything, I just like the way he looks, it's selfish of me to ruin his friendship with OM/my friendship with OM/and the trust that we have in our M over something that is not going to happen (PA)...now maybe he's not going to be able to invite OM over to the house because he'll be thinking "things". Uh...okay, so I froze up a little but I just told him that OM and I talk about "things", he knows that I don't become attracted to men merely for looks and some things I thought about OM, in general. Okay, so that didn't exactly blame him for anything...but it's progress. Right? Incidentally, OM seems to be an emotional storm waiting to release (with the proper encouragement), seems like he holds so much...like I could explore him for days and days and years and still find new and exciting material. Uh oh...better not go down this road. Staytogether, you see that? Enough of that. I don't know what to do to stop those little sneaky thoughts from rearing their ugly heads for good. I'm really frustrated about that. I'm trying to exonerate this guy (OM), give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he thought it was "harmless". Then again, maybe he didn't. ...maybe OM is a sneaky little bas.... doing what he can to separate me from my H. MAYBE he's having a little fun playing with my emotions. Or perhaps something that started off as "harmless" was getting a little out of hand. Regardless, he is not an "angel" and it would serve me and my M well to keep that in mind. See how you go back and forth about OM's innocence? This is very confusing.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
Meggy (and everyone), I am sorry. I did not intend to confuse you. If I had just told H the specifics (in the first place), H would have been able to decide whether or not I was creating this. I don't know why I just didn't write the letter/tell him details.
Schtoop, I was not blaming anyone for my thoughts and actions (not H...and not OM). I do take responsibility for them. But you are right I am overanalyzing this, I am tired of all of it...
And I was here to find out what people thought of separation? ...not to be with OM (there has been NC with OM)...just to figure everything out.
But I am sorry.
I will revisit this site after I have (1) told him the details and/or (2) recovered. Thank you for your time and efforts...I know I seem resistant at times but it has not fallen on deaf ears.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Now's not the time to leave FM... just when you're getting somewhere. Write the letter to your H once and for all. What he does with it is on him. What you do to protect your marriage from here on out is on you, such as (1) EP, (2) no contact with OM WHATSOEVER, (3) remaining O&H with your H about everything!, (4) work on your side of the street as far as meeting your H's needs, etc. You get the picture.
Come back and tell us how it goes after you've come 100% clean with your H. Maybe after you do, he'll see where WE are coming from and we're not (and more importantly, you're not) just making a big deal out of nothing.
K? We really do want to help you with this.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
Sapphire, There was a post "Confused and in need of help" by Sarashope. I kept thinking you might have an answer for her being on "the other side" of the EA now. I am still in the middle of it...though, my H is making me think I imagined the whole thing. *lol* Ya I'll look for her thread Sapphire, I read your story before. Didn't you move out and determine within 6 hours that you wanted to be home? After you came home, did you feel "renewed"? I am coming to believe that I need to do this in order to force myself to...??? I believe my H will resent it...but, if he decides that he wants me after I move out, he might take me seriously??? Yes 6 hours after I left home, I went to Colorado where my sister lives, to get myself fix. I knew something was wrong with me, and I needed help emotionally/mentally. It wasn't the whole being separated that made me realize what I had lost, it was the reality of what I was actually doing to my family. Once the fog lifted I saw that, and it was literally killing me to know that what I had done to wheels was a very big mistake.
You know the reality, I don't think moving away or being separated from your husband will fix it. As long as you keep to your new boundaries Sapphire, had you ever figured out what was "not right"??? Yes I did.....and it was ME! I was sabotaging my own life, because of all of the lies I was telling my self, all the justifications, all the secrets. You start becoming someone different, and not in a loving way but in a BAD way. When the fog lifted, and reality hit, I knew exactly what I needed to fix, and to get back to ME! And that was to get my OLD self back, me being a loving and caring wife and mother. Not this person who snuck around, lied to everyone she cared about, and was angry/unhappy all the time.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
The reality is, I have had NC with OM. There is an event coming up that we all must be at together next month. I am hoping that I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him except "hi". I'm hoping that my feelings are well under control by that point. But I am not 100% certain of that. Just stating that to you (BS) would be deemed as drooling, right? Where do I express that sort of feeling? [Scotland is right, maybe I should move this to my thread...] \ [/quote] Fullmoon, can you explain what the above here? Do you not agree with the NC concept? I don't understand why you are trying to help other waywards if you don't agree with the most fundamental concept for MB's program for surviving an affair...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
SusieQ,
I absolutely agree with NC. I, honestly, have not communicated with OM in ANY way in over a month now.
(OM is still my H friend...even though my H knows he is the OM. Since I think this is an EA and my H does not, he doesn't want anything to change. He just wants me to "get over" and "not act on" my feelings for OM. That's all that I am required to do.)
So, naturally, we all have mutual friends...and we're all invited to the wedding...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416 |
Do not go to that wedding. You are not the bride or the groom or (I assume) the preacher. So they will still be married without you. Do not go. There is no reason to go.
It doesn't matter if you say hi or not. He will be there; you will be there. Trust me when I say that at this point it will set you back emotionally to square one, maybe farther. For some God-unknown reason, the OM in my case came back to our school to "visit" a month or so after D-Day. I didn't say a word to him. I saw him and walked the other way, stupidly sucking into a classroom and then having to make up some reason I was there. My knees and hands shook the rest of the day. I felt sick. I emailed DH and told him, and HE felt sick the rest of the day. The memories switched on full force. You do not need to see this man. It's like banging a broken bone with a hammer.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
SusieQ,
I absolutely agree with NC. Then answer me this: WHAT DOES NC MEAN TO YOU? No contact until you are invited to a party? Are you kidding me? You realize Dr Harley recommends even moving to a different state if necessary to never see or talk to the OP again FOR LIFE?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
So, naturally, we all have mutual friends...and we're all invited to the wedding... And, naturally, since you decided to have an A, you need to cut all those mutual friends out of your life if it compromises NC. period.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
I still think she needs to bring her H here or at least let him read this whole thread. I don't think he even knows about OM's behavior.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
How can you help me stop my feelings (which I seem to have little control over)? The above is from your first post here. If you want to stop being infatuated with OM then you need to make a decision on whether you are going to commit to NC FOR LIFE. There is no in between.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
OMG!!!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
ML, the cows are ridiculous, hahahahaha <-- That's what you get for those cows...bulls...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416 |
Holy cow, Batman!
That was very mooving.
I would say something else, but it would be a moot point.
Yeah, my sense of humor is udderly ridiculous.
.
.
.
eat more chikin
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987 |
Thank you, Mel and Luri, for the comedic interlude. And now: Hiya, fullmoon! I bet you're glad to see me!
Me - 30 (FWW) H - 30 (BH) DSx2 D-day: 2008
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 112 |
Vanilla, you know I love you. We'll be best friends by the time this is all over with. Just don't call me a pig.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
432
guests, and
66
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|