I've been reading Pep's thread and it has realy been "knawing" at me. I've had alot of reflecting back time of my marriage, also been thinking alot about Hope and how it's affecting me now.

This is pretty much my WW, VERY much #5 and #10, maybe not #4. It scares me to be w/someone who would do follow their heart/happiness and not care about the mess in the rear view mirrior, all in the pursuit of happiness.
I read this and looked back on...I realized that I don't think that my WW is capable of having Empathy. There has been times when something "funny" (emabarrasing) would happen to me and she would be the loudest one laughing in the crowd. When I would tell her that it hurt me that her laughing at my misfortune she would tell me to lighten up or get over it. Don't be a party pooper type thing. She has NEVER cared about my feelings. We have had talks about that in the past and it would get turned around on me. Her defense would be that she feels bad now because her actions affect my feelings and can't tell me anything now because she wouldn't want to "hurt" (sarcasm) me.

So now to Hope. For me right now, Hope = Pain. That's it. When I hope I realize how much my WW has hurt me and doesn't even care. I've never got an aniversary gift from her, for my birthday last year, she stopped at Target on the way home from work the day before and grabbed some things from the check out line. I can't remember when she had done anything for ME.

I'm still in Plan B and call me crazy but I am still willing to stick to it for now. Why? Because I love my son that much. He keeps asking me to come into his new home with mommy, he's so proud of his new room and it breaks my heart. I have faith in this program and I would like to see what kind of person my WW really is.

You wanna do something for your son? Ditch the witch and find another woman worth a d@mn, so he can model his own relationships after you and the new woman's relationship. As for a stable home life for him, that was already over once you donated your sperm to that useless excuse for a woman. Your mistake was fathering a child with that woman. There is nothing you can do now to undo that mistake, so go forward with your life to make the best of your life and his going forward. That means being a stable parent in a stable relationship for him to model himself after. "Martyring" yourself for that woman will only screw him up.

Hey Jim,
I must say that I'm glad your back.

I wouldn't say that I'm Martying myself right now. I'm just waiting to see what happens. If she comes back I think that if we both apply the MB principles there might be a chance. I do look forward to having a relationship with someone that actually cares about me.

The biggest thing I'm trying to teach NW5 right now is to do the RIGHT thing reguardless of how he may feel about it. The stable relationship thing will come eventualy.

I think you already know what type of person your WW really is. Every minute you spend "waiting" on her is a minute lost making yourself available for, and participating in, a relationship with someone really worth the effort.

That's okay, I just don't want you to get your hopes dashed. You can follow plan B still if you want to, but trust me, this one isn't coming back, and it's a good thing because even if she did, she ain't gonna change. I guess I'm just trying to protect you is all.

On a side note, that is why I will be telling my kids not to have sex before marriage. You don't want to have a kid with the wrong woman.

It's funny you said that, I thought about that when reading my post after I submitted it. I guess a more accurate statement would be:

I would like to see what kind of person my WW could be.

As for the waiting, I think I need to get myself straight before "looking" for another woman. In the meantime, it's not hurting anything to sit back and see what happens next.

Oh, I trust you! You haven't been wrong yet.
I'm following Plan B until I'm numb to WW. By posting on this thread I may be breaking Plan B but it doesn't matter. Plan B for me right now isn't about protecting any love that I may still have, it's more about not having to put up with the A and my WW.

Plan B has given me a good opportunity to reflect and assess with a less bias opinion. I know enough truth and I have learned more about WW. Just putting together another piece of the puzzle with the thread from Pepperband.

Will WW ever change?
No
Is she coming back?
No
Will the Cubs win the World Series?
Wait till next year.

What I'm saying is that if she decides to come back and WANTS to make the necessary changes, I would be willing to do the same. Tomorrow, I don't know, I'm not holding my breath though.

100% correct. You want you mind and conscience clear. If you date while your married thats just as wayward. If your wife changes it will just complicate things.



your not breaking PB by posting on it. Plan b is always about you. Its about keeping you in operable condition so you can survive. If you kept PAing you then you would just end up a mentally distraught and could end up with serious mental problems.


its about personal recovery and I think your on your way.

Thats a problem you can address if you get there. Maybe think up some boundaries ahead of time that she would have to do. The whole Just compensation thing.

By posting on this thread I'm indirectly communicating w/my WW, thus not being completely dark in Plan B. I'm pretty sure that she knows about this thread...again doesn't matter to me. I actually feel so much better now that I'm posting on this thread and not caring what she may think about what i say.

I've struggled the whole time since D-Day on what to do. Deep down I knew that my WW wasn't marriage material and that I would be better off w/o her. I also knew that if I didn't try everything that I could do that I would always regret it...crazier things have happened I suppose. People on this board have gone through worse than me and been able to recover their M.

So who knows, I'm just not going to put myself though hell anymore thinking about it.

So I texted WW the other day. I'm not exactly sure why I did, I have certainly had the desire to many times put never did until the other day. She has texted me twice since she left, both times were hateful.

NW: I know now that I never want to have any relationship with you. I know enough and I will never let anyone treat me like this ever again. I am not going to fight the divorce. I will fight for 50/50 w/NW5. I would like to know if you plan on asking for any money so I can budget and move on w/my life.

WW: I'm not planning on asking for money and I still agree 50-50 with NW5

The next day:
NW: I told NW5 that I will talk to him on the phone over the next couple of weeks as he was sad when we talked last night (I'm going away for training for two weeks and won't see him for around 19 days). Is this ok with you? We can text prior.

WW: Of course it's ok. Evenings will most likely be best since we go places during the day.

NW: If he wants to talk just text and I'll do the same.

WW: Ok.


So I will say (somewhat shameful) that I have no desire or interest to recover my marriage. It's sad really that I have gotten to this point. I don't care about WW any more. I don't care if she's happy or sad, I have no desire to have this woman in my life whatsoever. Seeing her response to my first text leaves no doubt in my mind.

I feel good about where I'm at right now in my life. I feel in control now and I like it.

We have our Temp hearing coming up in about three weeks. I'm a little nervous about it because I have no idea what the judge is going to order. We'll see. If it gets bad then I have no reservations about submitting all my evidence into trial and calling a whole bunch of character witnesses. I'm pretty sure that some of her co-workers among others would be happy to tell the court how great of a mother she has been.

Did you ever get a paternity test done? You should.

As to moving on if that is what is best then do it. You will feel bad because you are grieving a loss. Not because you are doing the wrong thing.

I thought you two were agreeing on money and on 50/50 custody? Why would the judge order anything different?

And that my friend, is what it's all about. It's not save the marriage at any cost- especially at the cost of yourself.

I understand the reasons for a paternity test. However, I'm not going to do it because NW5 looks a lot like me, he and my nephew looked almost identical up to the age of 3, and OM is of another race. That is not to say it could be a different OM, but WW has found her soul mate. When I look at it like this, I see no doubt. I may still do it if you guys think I should, I'm sure I'm a little foggy here.

I feel somewhat ashamed that I have been a part of this whole mess. For being a doormat, for having blind faith, for thinking that I loved this woman, for living a lie for the past 10yrs. And here's the kicker: She was going to walk away from this marriage knowing how guilty I felt for thinking I was a bad husband, and this failed marriage was my fault. I was not the model husband by any means, but I am a good guy and I have taken steps to correct my wrongs.

For the 50/50 and no money, I'm worried because I don't trust WW or her lawyer. Plus I have heard of stories in my town on this. Where both side are in agreement on a particular issue and the judge doesn't agree so he rules differently. To me 50/50 no CS is fair, but I do make more than she does. I keep the house is fair because I pay all the household bills including daycare and car payments. What if the judge says I should buy out her half of the principal even though she has never paid a dime toward mortgage, and hasn't paid a family bill in two years.

It's probably just a fear of the unknown at this point but it is causing me some anxiety.

Anyway, I am happy now, a little lonely sometimes, but that's ok, I liked who I saw in the mirror this morning.