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anne505 #2399756 07/02/10 10:53 AM
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Does anyone know where I can find the post lists good questions to ask for a lie detector test? I remember reading it and it was very good but I can't find it. Thanks.

anne505 #2400595 07/05/10 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Does anyone know where I can find the post lists good questions to ask for a lie detector test? I remember reading it and it was very good but I can't find it. Thanks.

Bumping for you in hopes someone can tell you where to find those questions. I looked but found nothing. I am a terrible searcher though.

How was the weekend? Any developments?

anne505 #2400604 07/05/10 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Does anyone know where I can find the post lists good questions to ask for a lie detector test? I remember reading it and it was very good but I can't find it. Thanks.

Doesn't the company/person administering the test help you compose appropriate/effective questions?

Ask them to help.

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@SW - It's been a quiet weekend since he's been with me and the kids all weekend. He even took us shopping for baby stuff. He's going to court with Dirtbag on Thursday (he told me he's going somewhere else on Thursday).

@Pepperband - I'm sure the company can help me with the questions. I just remember someone posting some great questions and I wanted to take a look at them and possibly talk about them with my therapist.

One more week until my meeting with my attorney and then I can proceed. Thanks again for all your support everyone.

anne505 #2401793 07/07/10 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
@SW - It's been a quiet weekend since he's been with me and the kids all weekend. He even took us shopping for baby stuff. He's going to court with Dirtbag on Thursday (he told me he's going somewhere else on Thursday).

@Pepperband - I'm sure the company can help me with the questions. I just remember someone posting some great questions and I wanted to take a look at them and possibly talk about them with my therapist.

One more week until my meeting with my attorney and then I can proceed. Thanks again for all your support everyone.

Just checking on you Anne..your thread was getting buried too! Any news?

When you say he is going to court with DB...is it lawyery stuff or is DB in legal trouble? If it is just work related...why wouldn't he tell you? Weird the things he lies about huh?

anne505 #2401794 07/07/10 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
@SW - It's been a quiet weekend since he's been with me and the kids all weekend. He even took us shopping for baby stuff. He's going to court with Dirtbag on Thursday (he told me he's going somewhere else on Thursday).

Do you see the pattern here? I bet he already knew he was going to be with DB (and lie to you about it) on Thursday...so the shopping trip he took you on was the...appeasement? I don't know what his reasoning on it is...soothe his conscience? Who knows. But he puts his family time in before he runs off to do something he shouldn't be doing or something that he lies to you about.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Do you see the pattern here? I bet he already knew he was going to be with DB (and lie to you about it) on Thursday...so the shopping trip he took you on was the...appeasement? I don't know what his reasoning on it is...soothe his conscience? Who knows. But he puts his family time in before he runs off to do something he shouldn't be doing or something that he lies to you about.

SW - Thank you for checking in. Not too much is new. He is not going to court now but instead taking me and the boys with him to his meeting and then to visit relatives after. My guess is that DB's court date got put off which happens all the time. I think you have a point about the family time before doing something he will lie about.

I am meeting with the attorney on Monday. I really don't know what to expect or how I will feel coming out of it. I will then talk that over with my therapist two days later and then have the big talk with WH once I get my thoughts together and my nerve up. I have not made a decision and won't until I talk with the attorney and the therapist and then see what he has to say. I'm trying to hope for the best but prepare for the worst (thus the meeting with the attorney and therapist before I confront). I will give him a chance to work it out if he wants to but will make it clear to him that he has to do the work.

Very nervous about the upcoming week both about what the attorney will say and how the confrontation will go. I do know that it was a good decision to wait before confronting him. I have worked through a lot on my own and can now deal with him in a more level-headed manner.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
When you say he is going to court with DB...is it lawyery stuff or is DB in legal trouble? If it is just work related...why wouldn't he tell you? Weird the things he lies about huh?

Almost forgot to answer this question. DB was mugged at gunpoint a few years ago and they have since caught the guy and the case is coming to trial. WH has been advising DB and helping him through the process of being a witness in criminal court. So not business but helping a friend through something like that is certianly something I would not object to. Yes, it is a weird thing to lie about. He did tell me the last time he went downtown to help DB with this case but at the last minute when it had been planned for weeks.

anne505 #2401857 07/07/10 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Do you see the pattern here? I bet he already knew he was going to be with DB (and lie to you about it) on Thursday...so the shopping trip he took you on was the...appeasement? I don't know what his reasoning on it is...soothe his conscience? Who knows. But he puts his family time in before he runs off to do something he shouldn't be doing or something that he lies to you about.

SW - Thank you for checking in. Not too much is new. He is not going to court now but instead taking me and the boys with him to his meeting and then to visit relatives after. My guess is that DB's court date got put off which happens all the time. I think you have a point about the family time before doing something he will lie about.

I am meeting with the attorney on Monday. I really don't know what to expect or how I will feel coming out of it. I will then talk that over with my therapist two days later and then have the big talk with WH once I get my thoughts together and my nerve up. I have not made a decision and won't until I talk with the attorney and the therapist and then see what he has to say. I'm trying to hope for the best but prepare for the worst (thus the meeting with the attorney and therapist before I confront). I will give him a chance to work it out if he wants to but will make it clear to him that he has to do the work.

Very nervous about the upcoming week both about what the attorney will say and how the confrontation will go. I do know that it was a good decision to wait before confronting him. I have worked through a lot on my own and can now deal with him in a more level-headed manner.

It sounds like you have done all the right things. Confidence in your ability to deal with life by yourself and projecting that confidence are what you are going to need. As Markos told me on my thread, be "calm, calm, calm. Oh, by the way, did I say calm?" You will be nervous, but practice in front of a mirror. Good luck, Anne.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
GreenMile #2401910 07/07/10 04:45 PM
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@GreenMile - Thanks, your advice is always helpful. I always value your perspective on my situation.

@SW - You were right. I saw emails today that he and DB are making plans to go out next weekend (July 16-18). Can't wait to hear what they have planned. Since DB turned 40 last week and they haven't yet gone out to celebrate, I'm sure it will be big.

anne505 #2401913 07/07/10 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
@GreenMile - Thanks, your advice is always helpful. I always value your perspective on my situation.

@SW - You were right. I saw emails today that he and DB are making plans to go out next weekend (July 16-18). Can't wait to hear what they have planned. Since DB turned 40 last week and they haven't yet gone out to celebrate, I'm sure it will be big.

You will probably already confront by then....be funny though if you asked him to take you somewhere special on the day he has planned.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
You will probably already confront by then....be funny though if you asked him to take you somewhere special on the day he has planned.

Yes, if all goes well, I will have confronted by that point. The only thing I can forsee interferring with a confrontation is if I get worse than expected news from the lawyer and have to come up with a different plan of action. I really don't know what to expect so I'm trying to consider all possibilities.

anne505 #2401915 07/07/10 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
You will probably already confront by then....be funny though if you asked him to take you somewhere special on the day he has planned.

Yes, if all goes well, I will have confronted by that point. The only thing I can forsee interferring with a confrontation is if I get worse than expected news from the lawyer and have to come up with a different plan of action. I really don't know what to expect so I'm trying to consider all possibilities.

Oh good point.....have you been a SAHM for a long time?

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Oh good point.....have you been a SAHM for a long time?

Yes, for 9 years now. No clue what the lawyer will say and I'm pretty scared about it but I can't imagine what could be worse than living this way.

anne505 #2402587 07/09/10 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Oh good point.....have you been a SAHM for a long time?

Yes, for 9 years now. No clue what the lawyer will say and I'm pretty scared about it but I can't imagine what could be worse than living this way.

I don't think you have that much to worry about....I think you can get him out of the house and have temporary support until the divorce is final--especially since you are pregnant. Of course that is assuming there is no way to recover your marriage.

Do you have all your paperwork gathered up for attorney? You need tax returns, bank statments, mortgage payoff, a current pay stub of your WH....debt details...Much better to gather that all now and give to your attorney. That way if he needs it you don't have to go on a hunt for all that later if you can't recover the marriage. I had all that ready for my attorney on first visit and he was very impressed. smile Oh, and don't forget all your intel evidence! I had that too. Attorney sat there with his mouth hanging open. smile

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@SW - I'm just really nervous and have no idea what to expect. Trying to stay postive while preparing myself for the worst. I'm not always successful at doing that!

I have everything but the tax returns and I think I can get my hands on those before Monday. Unfortunately, my intel is not overwhelming but I do have my notes documenting what I know so far and will take those.

WH and Dirtbag seem to once again have a comfort level about using email (they were quiet after that Facebook profile with DB's picture but fake name surfaced). I wasn't able to get the VAR in the car today so I will probably miss out on a good conversation on the way home. I can get it back in there tonight and hopefully this won't happen again (WH was supposed to take his car to the shop but ended up not having to so I didn't bother replacing it yesterday, darn it).

Here is a thought...knowing that DB and WH have something fairly big planned for next weekend, I think I might wait until the following week to confront. I hate the idea of confronting and then having him go with DB shortly there after. I don't think anything good would come of that. What do you think?

anne505 #2402815 07/09/10 02:24 PM
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When you do confront Anne, I am assuming that DB is not an option, more of a him or me situation. I sincerely believe that your husband is going to fold. As I read in a previous post on the forums, you will need to be James Bond cool, know exactly what you want and how you want it or else.

As I had mentioned earlier, this is not the typical wayward case you read about here everyday. I think when confronted, he will do whatever is necessary to salavage the situation and make it right. It is up to you how that will happen, if you want it to happen.

It is wise to consult so you know your options, but also consider the conditions of what you will need from your husband to repair this and to protect yourself and your marriage. I might suggest having a spare pair of undershorts handy for him when you do confront. He is going to need them.


RTX #2402840 07/09/10 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by RTX
When you do confront Anne, I am assuming that DB is not an option, more of a him or me situation. I sincerely believe that your husband is going to fold. As I read in a previous post on the forums, you will need to be James Bond cool, know exactly what you want and how you want it or else.

As I had mentioned earlier, this is not the typical wayward case you read about here everyday. I think when confronted, he will do whatever is necessary to salavage the situation and make it right. It is up to you how that will happen, if you want it to happen.

It is wise to consult so you know your options, but also consider the conditions of what you will need from your husband to repair this and to protect yourself and your marriage. I might suggest having a spare pair of undershorts handy for him when you do confront. He is going to need them.

Yes this is a him or us situation. However, as we know with waywards, they rarely come around to a rational way of thinking in a timely manner. My concern is that he will be in an angry mode and will insist on going out with DB no matter what I say and God knows what will happen then. DB is not supportive of marriage (even though he claims to love his W and says the cheating is just about sex). He has been encouraging him to cheat and I'm afraid that WH will use our confrontation as an excuse to do things he otherwise might say no to. I'm inclined to let him go out and wait until Monday to talk to him when he's away from DB and not looking foward to his night out with him.

Does any of that make sense? This is so messed up that it's hard to know what makes sense these days. And for what it's worth, I do hope you are right about his reaction.

RTX #2402869 07/09/10 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by RTX
I might suggest having a spare pair of undershorts handy for him when you do confront. He is going to need them.

One would think. My WXH found the GPS in his trunk, took it out and drove to OW's house. I and the PI then drove to her place (in seperate cars) and parked outside her house for hours---trying to force him to come out and face me. He snuck out like a snake in the grass that he is. So I guess that is a version of messing his pants.


anne505 #2402874 07/09/10 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by RTX
It is wise to consult so you know your options, but also consider the conditions of what you will need from your husband to repair this and to protect yourself and your marriage.

Anne, this is good advice. Do you have your list of conditions you will require to consider staying? You need a written list NOW...not that I would present him with that list at the confrontation...it will be more than he can absorb. But you need it written up now while you can somewhat focus. You won't be able to focus as much after confrontation.

I never considered staying, so I didn't have a list of conditions. I just confronted and told him it was over and for him to make other living arrangements. And I've not been encouraging to you in the area of restoration...so I am glad others are thinking of that.

Originally Posted by anne505
[Yes this is a him or us situation. However, as we know with waywards, they rarely come around to a rational way of thinking in a timely manner. My concern is that he will be in an angry mode and will insist on going out with DB no matter what I say and God knows what will happen then.

I do follow your line of reasoning...but I think whenever you confront you face the possibility of him reacting that way and being defiant at first. If you are going to wait until after he goes out with DB to confront I would SERIOUSLY consider hiring a PI to follow him while he is out. Ask your lawyer on Monday for a good reference and call for a price. Or your lawyer may even be able to arrange it--sometimes PIs work for lawyers and you might have better success that way. I think the shock and awe of video and a PI report will go a long ways toward making your WH understanding you are dead serious about not tolerating this behavior.

Thinking of you as always. (((Anne)))

Last edited by SmilingWoman; 07/09/10 07:40 PM.
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