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Hey A-Wok,

You can't rush it. The more you pressure you apply towards her, the more likely she'll repel from it.

You gotta just keep focusing on you. She's probably still in the honeymoon stage of being on her own. After a few weeks, she'll start comparing what she HAS with what she HAD.

Keep busy. Work on the house. Socialize with friends. Start to invest time into new hobbies and interests. Don't sit around and constantly think about what she's doing, or what YOU can do to get her back.

I know how it feels. I've been there, A-Wok. I know it's isn't fun, and I know that it hurts. Believe me when I say it DOES GET BETTER.

TBC



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As I think more about Plan A and improving it I have a question. If Plan A is about showing her how the marriage can be if you try, and one of our biggest problems was talking, especially about US and forming a bond, then why do we never talk about US or how much you love them in Plan A? If that is what was missing, then if I never do that, then aren't I still neglecting her ENs and one of the biggest reasons she left? I know about pressuring them and pushing them away farther, so how do you walk the fine line?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Hey neighbor, just want to let you know that I am diligently following your thread and am praying for the best for all of your family. I was just thinking, hell, I've been married 41 years now and maybe a 6 month hiatus wouldn't be too bad. Probably not though, she might enjoy it more than me. That double edged sword again, ugh! Oh well, if wishes were horses than beggars would ride. Me, just moral support for you, the other seasoned pros will help you through this. Wishing you the best..........Ken

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Thanks Ken, I can use all the support I can get. It is amazing that since I have "woke up" how many of my friends have accepted my apologies and really been there for support. It makes me sorry that I let our friendship slip the last few years and want to make up for lost time.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
As I think more about Plan A and improving it I have a question. If Plan A is about showing her how the marriage can be if you try, and one of our biggest problems was talking, especially about US and forming a bond, then why do we never talk about US or how much you love them in Plan A? If that is what was missing, then if I never do that, then aren't I still neglecting her ENs and one of the biggest reasons she left? I know about pressuring them and pushing them away farther, so how do you walk the fine line?

Hey A-Wok,

Plan A is two-fold. It's tending to your side of the fence. It's about fixing aspects of yourself that may have been detrimental to the M. You were probably neglecting to meet her most important ENs. You probably manufactured LBs on a regular basis. Or maybe just regular to HER. It's also showing her the husband you can be -- when she wants to see it. I still get a sense that your changes have come pretty quickly and she probably has concerns regarding whether they are genuine. And whether they will stick....

Relationship talk is bad because it's heavy. It's draining. It's emotionally charged. And a lot of times, it's too focused on what one person did in the past to "screw things up". That's what IC's typically do -- they get you to talk about the past with your spouse, and before too long, the couple is at each other's throats for any and all of the past indiscretions....

You cannot force yourself into her world. She has to invite you in there -- whether it's a text, or e-mail, or phone call, or personal visit. Then, just be nice to her. Listen to her. And remember, you took a long time to get to this place in your M, it's probably gonna take a decent amount of time to dig out of that hole.

Hang in there.

TBC

Last edited by ToBeContinued; 07/10/10 11:09 AM.


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TBC,
thanks for the advice. My MC seems to be less of the issue guy and more of the fix yourself guy. He even warned me at my IC session that when we have our joint MC session, to just let her talk/vent and listen to what she has to say without responding. You're right it has been years coming, and it will take a while for her to heal. I am impatient because once I "awoke" came out of my depression fog, the changes have been amazing and quick. Everyone who sees me now is amazed at my body and personality changes. She does not think they will stick and that I am "faking them". Only time and sustainability of the changes will give her hope for a better marriage. It is just hard to go back to the way I was that made her happy and not have her see the new "old" me.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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You know, if you really want to be a d*&k head, when people remark about your changes, just tell them it happened right after your wife left........LOL

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Well I tell them I have a great diet. I don't recommend it, but it is highly effective. When they ask, I tell them it's the divorce diet. You feel like throwing up all the time so you don't eat, and the stress really burns the calories. They look at me, and then I tell them that my wife left me. I know she won't like the way I put it; but we didn't separate. It wasn't mutual, I don't like it. Flat out, she left me. Paints her in a bad light, but it is what it is.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Well the son was late for curfew for the 3rd time and has had one accident in the last 11 days, so I grounded my from the car except for work. I get a text from WAW this morning that was nasty and asking about him being able to help her move some stuff if he's grounded. So I call her and she yells at me for giving him a midnight curfew. I tried explaining to her that I can't go to sleep till he is home, and he doesn't need to be out any later, especially when he had to get up at 5:30 today. She then says "whatever, it's your house and your decision, I didn't take your call to get blasted by you." How is this blasting her? Is this just her anger over her moving out and the changes she sees in me that she is angry about because I never did them before? Is this the reality of the life she chose setting in? Is her venom towards me going to get worse before/if it ever goes away? Man this is confusing, I do nothing but try to be nice and she jumps at me for everything.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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so I went to church today, the one where the counselor screwed us by giving her bad advice. It was both comforting and painful. I enjoyed the message and connecting with people I haven't seen in a while, but painful because of the role it has in the destruction of our marriage. I talked with a friend of ours after for 45 min. and it felt good. I think this is something I need to do as part of my healing and growth. If I can go and enjoy it and not harbor ill feelings, then that is a good sign of my continued improvement.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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So I texted her an apology for upsetting her this morning (not That I did anything) and told her that I can't sleep when someone is not home, and even said that included her. She texted back that it is my house and my decision. But she also said to communicate that to him and that communication is key to any relationship. She then asked me how church was (someone had already called her and told her I was there). I simply texted back that communication is key and that is why I am working on it. I also asked how she knew I was at church. She hasn't responded yet. Did I do any LBs in that?


ME: 48
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Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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I know what you mean about not being able to sleep until your family is home safe! My son has long ago moved out and now I sleep much better.

That apology was needy on your part. Looks like you just wanted an excuse to contact her. Just my opinion however.

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Possibly, but I am trying to be more communicative and accept my mistakes. Part of my plan A. She did tell me how she knew I was in church. She saw me because she was there. She said it was like a punch in the gut to see me at church when I never went with her. So she left. I did go to church with her, but just the major holidays. I simply texted her that now that I am out of my depression, I see things in a different light. She told me to keep going to church and she will figure out how she feels about me going or maybe go to a different service. It is a very large church, she could have stayed. I never saw her and wasn't trying to see her, I thought she was at work. I honestly think she wants NC with me so she can't see my changes and second guess her leaving. But I am probably grasping at straws again.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Your Plan A is about improving yourself. If that means that you renew your relationship with God, then DO IT. It would be more Plan A if you invited her and went even if she didn't.

Improve yourself. Focus on making you into a great person. Be the best YOU you can be. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty,
Good idea about inviting her. I doubt she will accept. After her texts to me about it being a punch in the gut to see me there, and her leaving upon seeing me. How I would never go with her when we were together. But it is worth a try. The worst she can say is no, and I plan attending more regularly anyways. I even got my younger son to go with me. But like I said, I think she is avoiding me probably because of guilt, and maybe to avoid seeing the changes and second guessing herself.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Okay, stop focusing on what she is doing and why she is doing it. This is YOUR plan. Grab hold of it and hang on. You need to figure out who YOU want to be and how to become the best person you can. Are you going to go to church on Sundays to impress her? The answer to this should be NOPE. You should be doing it because that is what you want to do and who you want to become. Be your best. Live your life and try to meet your WW's ENs.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty,
Like I said, I didn't even know she would be there. I went because I feel a need to go, to connect and have hope. I missed going and getting the feeling of joy. I am not necessarily very religious, but I like the community of people and used to do a lot of things to help out around the church. As the people I used to work with there left and I got into my depression, I lost the joy of going and being around those people. Now that I am awoke, I want to get the same feelings I used to.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Sorry this next post is so long, but I keep trying to do Plan A and communicate with her and be the best I can be. This is the e-mail I got from her this morning. Please read it and let me know what to do! Should I stop or keep up the communication? Should I explain to her that since I have worked out of the depression this is who I am and what I will be? We do have a counseling session scheduled for next Tues. Do I wait until then?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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To BH,
I don't know how to explain to you how I feel but I do not want to do lunch or dinner at this point. I left to get away from something that made me very unhappy. You are sending me texts of all the things we COULD have done for years and now you are doing them all and making me hurt more! Sending me text of how great walking the dog,how cute he is and how much you enjoy it, freaking annoys me when I had asked for you to do it with me for all the time we had him. You made me hurt when I asked you to walk him cause I was a nag.. now it is the greatest thing. I miss my dog, house kids,neighbors,friends, being part of a family,having a life, going to church with my sons,making dinner for my family,people driving by and waving and honking, visiting neighbors, being able to do laundry art any time of the day...Doyou get how bad I am hurting and returning home to be with you will not solve it. You keep sending me messages cause you want to communicate after not wanting to talk to me for years. Now all you are saying is things that make me want to cry. You have it all and I live in looserville with all the other people that don't have families or friends and sit alone in their apartments cause they were not a good person. So now that you are a new man ,great father, super house keeper,and all the things you could not be when I was with you keep it up. I am glad you are heeling and can do all those things with no problems. Just stop making me feel SO bad. I dreamed of sharing life with you and those dreams were shattered when you let me know I didn't matter to you. Now I am creating new dreams. Dreams of just getting through a day, week, month with out... all I ever dreamed of. Just breathing is a chore and each text of your joy and happiness of doing all i did sucks it out of me.. Understand I don't hate you and am very happy for you and the boys. I am glad you are heeling and getting better. Just stop with the morning texts that make me so upset before work. I have a job that I need to be my best at and happy. I Hope you can understand this and respect this. It is not that I don't want to talk to you but it is so hard to get the happy texts a when you couldn't do it while we were together.
From WAW

Last edited by awokenhubby; 07/12/10 10:46 AM.

ME: 48
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Years Married: 21
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WAW,
My messages aren't meant to make you feel bad, but to let you know that I love you and would love to share in life with you...not the life we did have, but the life we could have. You do not belong in Loserville...you are not a loser and never were. I would love nothing more than for you to live with me and our children and have the life you say you miss with your dog, house, kids, neighbors, friends, church...and the me I have become.
You and the kids are everything to me.
Love,
awokenhubby


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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