Ive been lurking here for a few months. I have found this site very helpful but am still having trouble forgiving, trusting and am filled with resentment.
Oh and triggers suck!!
This is the worst thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I have been through the grief of a giving birth to a baby that died during my 2nd trimestor of pregnancy, plus I have a 6month old baby who has a rare genetic condition ie tube fed - very stressful. But this is the worst kind of grief I have ever been through in my entire life.
In short My WH while being a Pastor of a church - has been addicted to Pornography 2000 - until April 2010, had a secret friendship with a 20year old girl - he was obsessed by her - but not physical from 2002-2006. Then an interent affair from 2009-April 2010.
The internet allowed him to create fantasy worlds for him. But the fantasy made him less of a person in reality.
While I was serving him and loving him...he was a lazy lazy man. Who was so dishonest and misleading - while at the same time preaching everyweek at church. Basically he was living a double life
Also he was so self righteous and was constantly pointing my faults. I was a dormat to him...pathetic actually.
We have 4 children together. My pregnancies were horrendous I have severe vomiting during pregnancy which sees me bedridden for months.
I suspected nothing!!!! Until I had to use his computer in April this year and I exposed EVERYTHING. He had secret email accounts - I found it all by accident.
Initially he tried to pin it on me - but as time went on and he woke up to himself and the risk he had placed our family at he started to see the whole thing in a different way. He says it was like I woke him up from a terrible dream.
(I am aware that I am not a perfect person - but my husband had a lot or serious issues)
He agreed to seeing a pyschologist weekly (his therapist thinks it will take 2 years but will be able to help him!), we are seeing a marriage counsellor. We also took a 3 week holiday and removed all contact with the two girls.
He has found that he has communication problems - which being a pastor or a church just made him worse. He had a dreadful relationship with his father.
He also has an addictive personality.
He is doing everything he can to make up for it. He apologises, he now helps around the house, he now cooks, he has handed all money control to me, all internet access to me - he cancelled facebook, he has no accesss to email etc.
He is more connected with us as a family. He is better with the kids.
He is closer to God now. He feels that God has exposed this all to save him and us. I agree with this as well.
The only 4 people who know are my sister and her husband and his best friend and his wife. Big exposure I felt would have to many negative ramifications on my children, myself, him and the church community as a whole.
We are resigning from our church job - will move house, kids will move schools and a fresh start will begin.
BUT its still so painful - Im still overwhelmed with grief -of the lost years. So many memories are tainted by what he was doing behind my back. He vowed to protect me - but has brought all this pain on me.
I would love to hear from someone that can give me hope. that one day we will be happy again. That i wont wake up every moning with sadness.
Please note I am grateful that he is repenting, Im eternally grateful for that. My best friends husband had an affair 6 years ago and left - it was devastating. Im glad he is renewing his love for me on a daily basis.
thanks for those who were able to read this!
Joy
