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So now what are you going to do with all this extra time? Lol 
Over it.
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So now what are you going to do with all this extra time? Lol I am doing laundry...:) And plan to go to a sales meeting in the morning which starts at 8:30 a.m.....and I have to drop ds10 at swim before that....so I am trying to move forward. Oh! And I watch season opening of The Closer! I think I missed an entire season!!!!!
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SW,
My question remains essentially the same:
What are you willing to give him to make him go away?
My guess is that you are right - your instinct is that he wants the grill and patio set.
But, ask him. "What is it that you WANT from the house? Is there something specific that you feel you wanted that you did not get in the divorce settlement that you need?"
He might surprise you - do not assume you know, but your guess might be on the mark.
However, have the attorneys put this on paper - or he will be back. He is stirring up drama because he NEEDS this emotional area to be fed.
Do you see that?
Each and every time he bites at you, you scream and bite back.
This is feeding him emotional need for DRAMA. He is a drama queen. Sorry, but your EX-MAN is a drama queen. And he has a new little woman who is also a drama queen.
Each contact with you feeds THEM.
GO. DARK.
GO. DARK.
Keep your texts to a bare minimum. BARE MINIMUM.
Here is the text regarding the furniture:
"What pieces of furniture U after?"
If he goes on a rant......
"List pieces of furniture, please"
stay on that track
When he submits his list:
"U can have: (list)"
"No can do: (list)"
If he rants, you just repeat your lists.
If there is no compromising with him, then your final text could be:
"Garage sale can be ordered by court, your choice. Take list of yes, or leave it."
End.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Joined: May 2009
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OP
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780 |
SW,
My question remains essentially the same:
What are you willing to give him to make him go away?
My guess is that you are right - your instinct is that he wants the grill and patio set.
But, ask him. "What is it that you WANT from the house? Is there something specific that you feel you wanted that you did not get in the divorce settlement that you need?"
He might surprise you - do not assume you know, but your guess might be on the mark.
However, have the attorneys put this on paper - or he will be back. He is stirring up drama because he NEEDS this emotional area to be fed.
Do you see that?
Each and every time he bites at you, you scream and bite back.
This is feeding him emotional need for DRAMA. He is a drama queen. Sorry, but your EX-MAN is a drama queen. And he has a new little woman who is also a drama queen.
Each contact with you feeds THEM.
GO. DARK.
GO. DARK.
Keep your texts to a bare minimum. BARE MINIMUM.
Here is the text regarding the furniture:
"What pieces of furniture U after?"
If he goes on a rant......
"List pieces of furniture, please"
stay on that track
When he submits his list:
"U can have: (list)"
"No can do: (list)"
If he rants, you just repeat your lists.
If there is no compromising with him, then your final text could be:
"Garage sale can be ordered by court, your choice. Take list of yes, or leave it."
End. I am listening and taking notes! I am dark. Will be dark. Am ready to let ds10 go with him from Friday to Sunday evening.....trying to prepare for that.....Next contact will be Wednesday drop off. I will be there at 5:30....drop him and leave.... I will see what my attorney thinks I should do about the furniture.... You are a lifesafer SB. Thanks.
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SW,
Each and every time he bites at you, you scream and bite back. Really? I really do this? Wow. Ok. Feeling the need to fade away from him. I am woman hear me roar....I mean Hear me go DARK!
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Yeah...What Schoolbus said. And yes really...
Over it.
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SW,
Each and every time he bites at you, you scream and bite back. Really? I really do this? Wow. Ok. Feeling the need to fade away from him. I am woman hear me roar....I mean Hear me go DARK! Don't worry SW, a lot of people do this. My sister does this with her XWH too. She had an argument with him on the phone one day for 45 minutes and I was there mouthing, "Hang up. What are you doing? Hang up." Over and over again. But you see, she too is a drama queen.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: May 2009
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Joined: May 2009
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SW,
Each and every time he bites at you, you scream and bite back. Really? I really do this? Wow. Ok. Feeling the need to fade away from him. I am woman hear me roar....I mean Hear me go DARK! Don't worry SW, a lot of people do this. My sister does this with her XWH too. She had an argument with him on the phone one day for 45 minutes and I was there mouthing, "Hang up. What are you doing? Hang up." Over and over again. But you see, she too is a drama queen. Ok, just got a reply from him....he sent me a message Saturday saying he was taking ds on vacation this coming weekend...(not much of a vacation...only keeping him the whole weekend instead of returning him Saturday evening at 6:00 p.m....) but anyway, Saturday I replied and said, 'where are you taking him?' He didn't respond until 10:45 p.m just now....and he said, 'either canoeing or a water park.' What does that mean SB? I didn't reply at all. I do not plan to. Waiting on word from my attorney. I am taking comfort in knowing that even though he pulled the trigger on his bull dog drama queen attorney, he is VERY much concerned about how I am dealing with this and what I will do next.
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I say Plan B, and let your IM or lawyer pass on what you need to know. I am taking comfort in knowing that even though he pulled the trigger on his bull dog drama queen attorney, he is VERY much concerned about how I am dealing with this and what I will do next. This is very interesting to me. WHY are you comforted by this?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He responded at 10:45? P.M.???Oh. My. Gosh! That's harassment! Slap his fanny with a lawsuit!  Seriously - do not delete that text! I get SB's advice to de-escalate. This "Time" of his return text could easily allow you to escalate. Choose calm. When was the last time you read "Art of War"? It's time to study it with regard to your adversary of OW and WXH. Study it and practice it. Wants Grill and Patio? Honor my wishes with regard to son around OW. Find a way to make him soften his posture. You need to know what he wants most. But he needs to become less invested in offending you regarding your son. Get him to put a price on that protection. That way you'll know what "SHE" is worth to him in the big scheme of things. That can come in handy when she needs to learn where she really stands. Keep all these things to yourself. You are months away from having to play these cards for real. She's looking for a more permanent relationship with him. This vacation is the ice breaker for your son in her mind. Art of War - become a student and a practitioner of it in every interaction with him.
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I have been reading "art of war"...it will help you fight the good fight.
It is humorous that his text is after the witching hour of 10 pm. He is breaking his own rules.
Keep us posted.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I say Plan B, and let your IM or lawyer pass on what you need to know. I am taking comfort in knowing that even though he pulled the trigger on his bull dog drama queen attorney, he is VERY much concerned about how I am dealing with this and what I will do next. This is very interesting to me. WHY are you comforted by this? Because it makes me feel better that I am not the only one of us sick at my stomach over this. He cause this....he should at least suffer a little...and I know that in the wise words of my BIL eventually I 'just won't give a *hit'......but for now if I have to suffer I am glad he is too.
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Okay, I was just trying to understand, as I have not had to go through this yet. I too found it funny that he sent the message after 10pm. It isn't something you would use as ammo yet. I would also suggest that you no longer delete ANY of his texts. Think of it kind of like when a BS is in the snooping stage. Keep ALL of the evidence and hold on to it until "exposure"(not of the affair but of his stupidity  )
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He responded at 10:45? P.M.???Oh. My. Gosh! That's harassment! Slap his fanny with a lawsuit! Seriously - do not delete that text! I get SB's advice to de-escalate. This "Time" of his return text could easily allow you to escalate. Choose calm. When was the last time you read "Art of War"? It's time to study it with regard to your adversary of OW and WXH. Study it and practice it. Wants Grill and Patio? Honor my wishes with regard to son around OW. Find a way to make him soften his posture. You need to know what he wants most. But he needs to become less invested in offending you regarding your son. Get him to put a price on that protection. That way you'll know what "SHE" is worth to him in the big scheme of things. That can come in handy when she needs to learn where she really stands. Keep all these things to yourself. You are months away from having to play these cards for real. She's looking for a more permanent relationship with him. This vacation is the ice breaker for your son in her mind. Art of War - become a student and a practitioner of it in every interaction with him. He sent an email...not a text. I will not be communicating via text with him again unless I am forced to about ds and I am not near a computer...might be a good excuse to get that Droid I've been coveting. I have not read the Art of War. Will look for it today when I go shopping with my mom. I would give up every material thing in this house if he would agree in writing to not take my son around her. I would even agree to a limitation of a year. I am having a reeeeeeaaally hard time not taking copies of OWs chats with WXH and chats between WXH and my cousin and the shoe box full of vile porn straight to her daddy. The only reason I don't is because I do not want to make myself look crazy to a judge. As far as him wanting the patio set and grill...I know it is important to him and the first time he dropped ds off at this new house he wanted to come in and I wouldn't let him....and I caught him sneaking into my back yard...I yelled at him to leave but I know he was going to see if the patio set was there. He also asked ds if I've sold anything. Things are very important to him.
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You can download a free copy online. Art of War Free
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Less contact with your ex includes talking about him with his family. Do you not see that you are constantly focused on your ex and ow? That is not helping you. It is an anchor to your pain that you must leave behind you. Plan B is for YOU. Plan B is therefore appropriate in Plan D, as well as in recovery situations.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You do not need to reply to his email. You know he is going canoeing or to a waterpark. He will let you know when he figures it out. Don't beat a dead horse.
Do not initiate contact unless there is a dire need.
Very short email regarding atty letter:
"Got attorney's letter. Please email list of furniture you propose/desire."
That is IT. Nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING. ELSE.
You have committed to nothing in this letter, you have asked only for what he is thinking, wanting.
You don't know what he will say, you might be surprised.
After you get the list, wait and THINK.
He will put all kinds of stuff on there.
Do NOT be baited. He likely will include everything he can think of.
Compare the list to the divorce decree. Then, talk to your attorney about what he wants - and DO NOT reply to him regarding anything whatsoever on the list until you do so.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Email only- as much as possible. He will know that he has to keep it civil because it is in writing. Let your attorney make everything official. If you keep feeding him drama, this could go on for YEARS! I have seen people spend every dime that they have to battle in court. Their lawyers do very well. They end up broke and bitter. Do you want 8 more years of bickering and tit for tat? De-escalate. 5 word messages. Do not even look at OW at drop-offs/pick-ups. She is invisible to you. He is a cardboard cut-out of a man that you knew a long time ago. Would you argue with cardboard? He is not that man anymore. Enough about him!
Over it.
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Hey SW, How's it going?
Did you take SB's advice and ask XWH what he wants?
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