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I just had a conversation with one of my daughters. She told me during a recent visit my ex wife was venting about how things are not going the way she had hope in her "new relationship". She then says to D "if your father and I were to get back together...."

Funny that the predictions here indicate that the affair excitement starts to bleed off around the 24 month time frame and it is about 16 moths for her. So this must be the normal cycle.

I have mixed feelings about this statement. It was not mentioned to me, but I am not sure I would be willing to get back together. How does one ever trust a person who causes such emotional damage to another. There seems to be an attitude of entitlement thinking I would be willing to get back together. I have worked hard at moving on establishing a new life, new friends, new job, new city. I am finally starting to get over the emotional grenade that was launched into my life two years ago.

My challenge is my convictions regarding my Christian beliefs. I do want to be faithful to what God wants. I know God hates divorce, and I can legitimately divorce my wife, as the 1 year waiting period (in Canada) and her infidelity allows me to.

But I struggle as there are a number of factors that get thrown into the mix. The issues surrounding history, family, friends. Is it possible to unscramble an egg?

She is still seeing OM however I am led to believe this affair may be coming to a conclusion. So I need to be ready.

So any of you who have been through this swamp, any ideas, suggestions, advice, or direction you would like to throw out there I would like to hear it.

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Why be someone else�s leftovers? Why reward what she�s done by taking her back?

She�s made her own bed. Let her lay in it while you carry on with your life. Could you not do better than your ex?

I�ll admit the kids are a big factor in the picture, but you can�t sacrifice your own happiness to be with someone that time may have shown you to be all together wrong for you.

I wouldn�t take my ex back for all the money in the world. Well, it helps that I�ve happily re-married a wonderful woman. But I learned when I was dating that I could do sooooooo much better. My new wife is proof of that. My family loves her (neved did like my ex). My kids love her.

Wouldn�t trade it for anything. My ex leaving me may ultimately been one of the best things she ever did for me.

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BC, look at everything and weigh the pros and cons. In the end it is up to you and what you want. If you decide to get back with your WW then I would take it slow and easy and get her to follow MB. I'm praying for you.

Changed from Traci_S to PhoenixRising65 because I am rising from the ashes to be reborn.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Take it a day at a time and continue to enjoy each day as it comes.

Her A may be crumbling, but that doesn't mean a thing..... yet!

Have you ever put together a list of what you would require in case she were to ask for another chance?

Here is a copy of my wife's list. She had plenty of time to think about it, while I was gone. Each item she required had specific meaning to her and would also demonstrate real character and heart changes. She did not want the same man back that had left her. She was only willing to accept a new man.

Originally Posted by sexymamabear
REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME

Humility

Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him

IC, MC, & Family

Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

Attend church again

NC Letter

Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

15+ hours together weekly

Pray with me daily

Polygraph

Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by BCboy
She told me during a recent visit my ex wife was venting about how things are not going the way she had hope in her "new relationship"
I am so happy for her! Could not have happened to a more deserving person.
hurray


Are you still holding a Dark Plan-B?





Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Why be someone else�s leftovers? Why reward what she�s done by taking her back?

She�s made her own bed. Let her lay in it while you carry on with your life. Could you not do better than your ex?

I�ll admit the kids are a big factor in the picture, but you can�t sacrifice your own happiness to be with someone that time may have shown you to be all together wrong for you.

I wouldn�t take my ex back for all the money in the world. Well, it helps that I�ve happily re-married a wonderful woman. But I learned when I was dating that I could do sooooooo much better. My new wife is proof of that. My family loves her (neved did like my ex). My kids love her.

Wouldn�t trade it for anything. My ex leaving me may ultimately been one of the best things she ever did for me.
Not everyones marriage was like yours Pree-A.
Not everyone share your values/Beliefs of what marriage is, how long it lasts, and exactly what it is.

Last edited by Gack1; 07/13/10 12:06 PM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Gack,

I get that. But why settle for someone who left you and broke your heart after the Marriage ended? It�s not a question worth asking.

Yes, things pre-affair may have been great. I thought things were good on my end. Looking back, years later, I realize how much they sucked for me and how I was with someone who was draining every bit of energy and life out of me.

So I�m very happy now.

BC is asking for opinions. I�m giving mine. That�s all it is. Take it or leave it.

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BCB,

One thing to keep in focus about the "I hate divorce" quote from God is that the context of it was related to how people (men in this case) were divorcing their wives to marry their affair partners. He was not talking about when one spouse has broken the covenant by committing adultery.

God talks elsewhere of issuing a writ of divorce to His "bride" Israel (the Northern kingdom) and how that should be a warning to Judah, His current "bride" at the time. His grounds for that divorce, BTW, were adultery in that she had run off to be with "other gods." She had broken covenant with Him and so His response was to cut her off and send her away.

However...

You knew there was one of those, didn't you?

When an affair is raging and we are being hurt day after day, we lose sight of the "facts" and "statistics" of affairs in general because our own pain is so great that we can't help but acknowledge our emotions. That is why Plan B becomes the best option for possible recovery for when the affair burns out, which almost all affairs do within a couple of years of discovery and confrontation...not all, but pretty close...

Adultery deals the "get out of marriage free card" to the betrayed spouse. It is up to each to play it or not. Some hold it in their pocket, to use as leverage for the future. Those people seldom recover. Play it or not as you wish, but don't use it as leverage if recovery starts.

Recovery MIGHT still be possible. But the ball is in her court right now, BCB. If she returns, broken, remorseful and repentant it could happen. If anything less is attempted, it will likely fail. If you are open to it, let it be known. If not, nail the door shut and move on. Know what conditions will result in either case so that you don't have to try to figure that part out later while dealing with the inevitable drama. Don't try to recover without a plan to do it and if there is nothing that can restore your love for her to where it was, then let it go...

Mark

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Originally Posted by Mark1952
BCB,

One thing to keep in focus about the "I hate divorce" quote from God is that the context of it was related to how people (men in this case) were divorcing their wives to marry their affair partners. He was not talking about when one spouse has broken the covenant by committing adultery.

Amen. I really think the sum total of Jesus' teaching on the subject should encourage you to consider yourself free if you desire after this kind of betrayal. I hate for someone to feel like they are held to a higher standard than Jesus Himself advocated.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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BCBoy,
Yes God hates Divorce,but he also hates adultry also. You have a right according to the bible for divorcing her. As for taking her back, you are the stable one and that is what she wants. My XW has said that she is still in love with me a few times( my boys have told me). I have been remarried for 10 years and there no way if she was the last person on earth I would take her back. She is on her third husband after our divorce. My boys dont respect her it is hard on my boys. My marriage now gives my boys hope, that marriages are not filled with all the drama that they had when they were growing up . My house know is full of peace and love. My boys see the difference.

Blessings

Audioflyer

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BCB,

I like the advice you have gotten especially from Mark. I have not been through what you are going through so take that into account when you read my response to you.

Let me review the "facts" as I see them and then you tell me where I am erring.

1. The affair continues.

2. You have no data/indications that she would want you back.

3. You are the same man she emotionally divorced and who she set out to leave.

4. You are as Mark and others have pointed out, Biblically allowed to divorce.

5. The woman your W is not is NOT the woman you married and loved.

6. You can now divorce her and proceed with your life.

All of this sounds very negative doesn't it? But, frankly I look at it as a positive. Let's say for dicussion purposes that you do divorce your W not that the waiting period is over. You and your life will change. Your W's life will change as well in fact you will do her the favor of making an "honest" woman out of her as she will no longer be having an affair. I know, I know a technicality but my point is you change game of life in unknown and subtle ways once you divorce her.

Now is that end of her in your life, yes it is if as Mark and others point out she does not step forward and address her actions and behvior. Could you remarry if she did make the appropriate changes and you found life with her attractive, yes you could? Should you? That depends on events as yet untold.

My point is simply you cannot anticipate what will happen, but the "facts" as I stated them are all that you have now. Based on them YOU need to make a decision. You cannot make a decision on what may happen. But, make no mistake if you decide to divorce her, you will change her life and your life, and that can be for the better depending on how you lead your life.

Her affair may end and that might lead her back to you even if you are divorced. Her affair may end and she may find yet another man, who knows? I don't, you don't.

Make the decision based on the best information you have. And then make that decision a good one by how you live.

I have confidence that her affair will end, and if it doesn't she will wish it had ended. People selfish enough to do what she and her OM have done rarely prosper because they carry the seeds of their own destruction.

So please make your decision based on what you know and realize that you may get her back or you may not, that is really out of your control. Those are my thoughts on the matter.

God Bless,

JL

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Bravo JL. Good advice.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Originally Posted by ChaiLover
Bravo JL. Good advice.

DITTO


.....especially like this line ......

You cannot make a decision on what may happen




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I think there's a significant difference between a woman who asks, "Do you think there's any chance your father might EVER take me back?" and a woman who says, "If your father and I get back together..."

tl

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I agree with the others and believe you still need to guard your heart! Why even let your mind go there when you don't know where your WAYWARD WIFE'S mind is at?

As I've gone through my D process there have been times when my WH has become very nice and friendly again and I started to think he was wanting to get back together. I had the same battle of the mind ('would I or wouldn't I?) until I realized that the times he was being nice was after a visit to his lawyer's and another plan to see how much he could screw me in the D. It was pure guilt, and not interest in me whatsoever. It was a reality check for me to realize that he is no longer who I thought he was (he's wayward!) and it's time for me to keep my focus and not let my progress and healing get sidetracked.

Just because your WW is having the inevitable hardships in her A does not mean she's coming back. Cross that bridge if and when it ever comes. And in the meantime, keep living your life to the fullest and trust God to guide you!

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Originally Posted by thndrnltng
I think there's a significant difference between a woman who asks, "Do you think there's any chance your father might EVER take me back?" and a woman who says, "If your father and I get back together..."

tl

Exactly.

BCBoy, your xWW said this stuff to your daughter...undoubtedly knowing it would probably get back to you. Often, these WWs just want to "put out feelers" to see if you still "care about" them or "miss" them. This tends to happen when they are on the outs with the OM, just had a fight, or the "honeymoon phase" is ending. Once they have the re-assurance they wanted, they are back full-tilt into adultery-ville. My xWW did this too me too a year after our divorce in a phone call...her "new, conciliatory attitude" lasted all of a few days before she ran right back to sleazy-town.

Don't give it a second thought, don't drive yourself bonkers analyzing it, and don't play into her gamesmanship. If something "real" is going on with her, she will show it in her actions. She will leave OM and re-contact you personally (with a whole new attitude).

Until then, stay away and stay dark. Don't let her self-serving manipulations sucker you. She is still lost, two-faced, and disturbed and you want no part of a person like that. You deserve and will have better...whether it is eventually your (repentant) xWW or someone new.



xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Thank you all for your replies and input. I have attempted to be honorable in my actions and dealings. I have greatly appreciated the participants advice from this forum. I do want to ensure I adhere to the standards that are laid out in the scripture, yet there seems to be a number of interpretations. One of the issues is it has been indicated from scripture that if I do divorce that in order to follow the scripture is I am to remain single.

I struggle with that. I do not want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone. If I were to follow my desires I would have begun dating some time ago. I have not been. But I am starting to want to. I love the company of a good woman. I have met some that I would like to get to know further, but as I am in uncharted waters I am cautious. I do believe there is a price to pay for disobedience of the instructions laid out in scripture. I do not want to act hastily. But I do not want to be lonely either.

Can I do all this and still honor Gods instruction? There seems to be several interpretations. I had a discussion with a fellow tonight who is convinced he must remain single or reconcile with his wife. I am still trying to discern that even if I can divorce my wife, can I get remarried according to scripture? I am still searching.

Pep: I hear what you are saying about not making a decision about what may happen. I am not making a decision but trying to sort out what my response will be if I am confronted with a change in status. I recognize that emotions cloud clear thinking so I want to anticipate what may happen so I can respond appropriately and not react in haste.

It is a very difficult thing to let go. I am so thankful to the feedback as it helps cut to the core issues.
What is the potential of recovery based on her passed actions? What is her attitude?
Is she blaming me that she is involved in an affair because I did not provide an environment that her needs were met so she was FORCED to look elsewhere?
Would she be willing to accept and adopt the requirements of the coming home letter HerPapaBear kindly illustrated?

JL
Let me just say I am so grateful to you. It seems that I can always count on your sound advise and eloquent recapping of the facts to assist me in seeing through the fog. In my professional life I have been involved in strategic planning, and you would think that would serve one well in my circumstance. Yet I must confess that because of the personal nature of this most difficult event I have ever had to face, my vision is less than clear. Thank you as always I am humbled by your kindness.

To the rest, thank you for stopping by and offering your thoughts and ideas. I am forever grateful that a band of total strangers would take the time to try and assist a weary traveler.

It would be easier if all I had to do is follow my desires, the complexity comes when I believe I have been called to live to a higher standard. I want to ensure I fully understand the application, and the ramifications of that standard.


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Quote
BCBoy, your xWW said this stuff to your daughter...undoubtedly knowing it would probably get back to you. Often, these WWs just want to "put out feelers" to see if you still "care about" them or "miss" them. This tends to happen when they are on the outs with the OM, just had a fight, or the "honeymoon phase" is ending. Once they have the re-assurance they wanted, they are back full-tilt into adultery-ville. My xWW did this too me too a year after our divorce in a phone call...her "new, conciliatory attitude" lasted all of a few days before she ran right back to sleazy-town.

Don't give it a second thought, don't drive yourself bonkers analyzing it, and don't play into her gamesmanship. If something "real" is going on with her, she will show it in her actions. She will leave OM and re-contact you personally (with a whole new attitude).

Until then, stay away and stay dark. Don't let her self-serving manipulations sucker you. She is still lost, two-faced, and disturbed and you want no part of a person like that. You deserve and will have better...whether it is eventually your (repentant) xWW or someone new.

Thank you for this insight. I fear you are likely correct and I need to stay the course. I appreciate this insight. I have not traveled this road before and experience has taught me that the participants here can help identify and warn of the signs and events. I suspect from what you say is she is looking for the comfort of having an option if her CHOSEN path is leading to disappointment.

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Originally Posted by thndrnltng
I think there's a significant difference between a woman who asks, "Do you think there's any chance your father might EVER take me back?" and a woman who says, "If your father and I get back together..."

tl

Thank you for this. That is a very significant differentiation and I had not thought of it that way. This insight has had a real impact on my the way I have perceived what is taking place. She is still feeling justified in her actions, and is assuming that if things don't work out with OM then she can just fall to option B. Hmmmmmm. Nice try.


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Quote
Adultery deals the "get out of marriage free card" to the betrayed spouse. It is up to each to play it or not. Some hold it in their pocket, to use as leverage for the future. Those people seldom recover. Play it or not as you wish, but don't use it as leverage if recovery starts.

Recovery MIGHT still be possible. But the ball is in her court right now, BCB. If she returns, broken, remorseful and repentant it could happen. If anything less is attempted, it will likely fail. If you are open to it, let it be known. If not, nail the door shut and move on. Know what conditions will result in either case so that you don't have to try to figure that part out later while dealing with the inevitable drama. Don't try to recover without a plan to do it and if there is nothing that can restore your love for her to where it was, then let it go...

Mark

Thank you Mark. I understand the justification of being able to get out of the marriage. And I do doubt if she would return remorseful or repentant, as I believe she feels justified. As her statement to one of the children that "this is what happens when you get as low as I did"

Can you offer any additional insight in the ability to remarry? I sense you have done some extensive study on this and I would appreciate your insight. I think I am beginning to see where this is going, and I need to prepare for that.

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Your WW banged another man.

Your WW left you.

You should feel no wrong if you were to marry again.

However you will not be healed and ready to start dating and begin a relationship till one full year after the judge signs off and the divorce is final.

Most affairs end after two years. Being that you are unsure about restarting back with your WW you should wait those two years.

As other's have said ignore comments WW sends through the kids.
And don't responsd to the kids what you think about the remarks that they pass on to you. Remember they will pass things back which is not good. Stay dark.

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