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I have asked her, and she said she doesn't want to do lunch or dinner with me. Maybe if I have her over as part of the family she may accept. However I called her this morning to talk about my son's cell phone, and she reminded me "didn't you get my e-mail about no texts or phone calls before I go to work?" So I am going to try and talk/text her after work and see if she protests that.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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SR,
I just had to read your whole thread after all the help you gave me. It is awesome. I just wish my WAW would see she needs help and get it. After my change I know we can make it work. It is comforting to know she is saying every thing that you said she would. It gives me more hope for success, and more determined to stay in Plan A.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
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If you really want to know what my husband had to go through during all of this you can read his thread laugh

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2331830&page=1

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SR,
Wow, you have an amazing DH. A lot of your story sounds just like my wife, but her EA is not that intense, long distance and hooked, but not that bad. I just hope that she will get the counseling she needs and sees what she is doing. It was great that you saw the light and reconciled. Until my WAW can deal with her self esteem issues, I fear there is no hope for us. I will however, be a much better person for whatever comes of this; either for her or someone else. My relationship with my sons is at an all-time great level, and I am figuring out how to do it all on my own. Thank god I have summers off to deal with all the sudden changes. At least something great is coming of this.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
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Always look on the positive side of EVERY situation laugh

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Okay, so the wife has her paycheck from one of her jobs still sent to the house. I called her and had her come pick it up. She spent 45 min. talking to me about finances and bills and a little light talk. I told her my plans for the summer because I am only doing a 2 week summer school review. when I told her all I wanted to do on the house she said you're killing me doing all those things now. I replied that now that I am out of the depression, I see these things that need to be done and I want to make the house look great. I also said that I am going to spend the summer getting into the shape I want to be in. I also informed her of my plans to take younger son to the Adirondacks to play in a rugby tournament and go camping. I know I don't have to, but I want to keep her informed of everything because I never communicated with her in the last few years. Was all this the right thing to do? I think I followed Plan A and avoided any LBs.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
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Looks absolutely perfect. Positive things to say, future plans are great, as long as you avoid the relationship talk, and if one of her EN's is conversations then I think you did well also. Thats the whole idea of a plan A is to give them the carrot by meeting their ENs and the stick of exposure and destroying the affair.

What other ENs of hers do you think she has, and what are you doing to meet them?

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That's the tough part. With her not living here, I have to do it through texts and phone calls. She has asked me not to do either in the morning before work because my happy info upsets her before work. So I just do a good morning and leave anything more than that till after she's out of work. I have asked her to meet me for lunch or dinner, but she says she doesn't want to, it's too painful. The only thing I can do is keep trying. We do have a joint counseling session on Tues. that I reminded her of, I may offer to ride together, but I doubt she'll take me up on it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
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You're doing great! Let us know how it goes Tuesday.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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The ride TO C would be good, it's the ride BACK that I would be worried about. Also, why are you going to counseling with a wayward? Joint counseling doesn't do better. It does WORSE.

You seem to be doing okay with the Plan A stuff. As long as you show her in ACTIONS and not just words. I wouldn't have told her all about the future plans for this summer, I would just do it and then tell her about it.

I also would keep doing the texts. She was only getting bothered by them because they were working. Although, you shouldn't have expectations, you do have to understand that when you cause conflict in your WW that is a GOOD thing. Don't make things easier for her to be away from you. Always make sure that you are telling her that you know that you can have a great marriage and that you will not continue like this forever. No relationship talk, like placing blame etc.

You are doing well, just get that Plan A ramped up.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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We are going to counseling together for two reasons. One is hopefully to work on the marriage; I'll find that out Tuesday. The second is to hopefully get her to go to IC. She really needs to work on her self-esteem issues. They have been a big problem in our marriage. I don't think she would go on her own; maybe if we go to joint, he can work on her issues, or convince to to come for IC. My last IC, we talked about her issues, they way her mother abused her, and what that did to US. So he is aware of it and can hopefully work on it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Have you read the info that DrH has about counseling? His thoughts are that MC TOGETHER is a BAD idea. Also, MC with an ACTIVE wayward is POINTLESS. Your WW is most likely just going to placate you. That way when she leaves she can say, "I TRIED. We went to MC and it just didn't work."

Are you waiting to hear from the MC that you SHOULD reconcile? You know that a MC isn't going to tell you that you should or shouldn't right? Besides, "traditional" MC have a HUGE failure rate. I think it is somewhere around 84%. And their own marriages have a much HIGHER Divorce rate than the average.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty,
This MC doesn't do that(advising reconciliation or not). He believes, much like MB, that you should work on yourself to be the best person you can. He talks to each person separately about their feelings and problems. He believes that some marriages shouldn't be saved and sometimes couples are better off going their own way. He also follows a lot of the same principals of UA and recreation time with your spouse. I've only been to him once for joint, and once for IC, but he seems a good fit for what I am getting from MB.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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DrH doesn't suggest digging into the past though. He suggests creating a great marriage from today on. Also, did you see the part where I said that it was a waste of time with an active wayward. You get this right? Your WW is still active. Plan A. No relationship talk. You are in PLan A right? Then I would say Buh Bye to MC until you can get your WW on board with recovery.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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So I called the wife last night to ask about her swim meet. I told her about Burgerfest (we live in Hamburg, birthplace of the hamburger). She knew nothing about it because she doesn't get the paper anymore. I invited her to join me in walking around; she refused of course. She is still avoiding me, but I am still trying to meet her ENs. I hope I can continue to do this for a while; it is disheartening. But I know I need to have a good Plan A before I go to Plan B.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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You are still going and you are taking at least one of your sons right? You are going to have fun and you will say, "I missed you at Burgerfest tonight, remember that time when we......(insert story here)." THIS is what Plan A is all about. Go have some fun(even if you have to fake it). I remember the feeling of not wanting to have fun and of thinking that there could never be joy in my life again. Just go do it. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I'm going to go. I may take the sons, or go and see adult friends and hang out. It is a fun time with live music, if nothing else it is a chance to get out and forget for a little while.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
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have fun and remember it's all about being patient and showing the side of you which she fell in love with in the first place......
You are doing great, don't take it personally if she refuses for now.......foggy


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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So wife texted me and told me she was going to church tomorrow and said I could go if wanted to but she wouldn't sit with me because it would be too awkward. I replied that Younger son and I were already planning on going and that she doesn't have to sit with me, but I would like it. I did tell her if I see her I will tell her hi.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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I went to Burgerfest and saw some friends. Is it an LB or a bad Plan A to tell her I enjoyed myself, but I would have enjoyed it more with her?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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