Here's an even shorter version... minus any personal thoughts of yours.

Pick DS up at 1:00 PM, We'll get back to our regular schedule next weekend.

Nope. Not at all.

SW, do whatever is within your means to stay dark. If it is having your son send you a text or VM, then so be it.

Here's what I have done in the past and to this day, even after the divorce. I will watch for DS's dad's car, when he arrives, I tell DS to get moving. When his dad returns, I do the same, wait to see the car and then make myself scarce. I don't look out at the car, I make sure the door is unlocked and I git.

All within MY control. Even if xWH comes to the door, I am not within sight. He is forced to text or email. It has made things very easy for me and I have learned, after going darker, how to stick to the facts, the 'business' of separation and divorce in a much less emotional way.

Your DS WILL be in contact with OW. It is what it is, and outside of your control. Talk to your DS about right and wrong. I like how Scotland described the sitch to her kids.

VM is good because it will take away any stress DS might have worrying if you are home when he gets dropped off.

Key goal is for your son to not be feeling scared.

Just make sure that you make whatever protocol for visitation CRYSTAL CLEAR with your son. Tell him the procedure, practice it if you must. Get it straight and follow it; make a new handoff routine

It is important to practice and tell him what you want. And the more honest you are with your kiddo, the more he will understand.

I remember when I told DSx2 that WH didn't have to come on the porch anymore. I said, "Okay, when you get dropped off by Daddy, what do you do? Does Daddy come on the porch? What do you say?" DS10 said, "I tell Daddy that since DS7 doesn't need his car seat anymore, he doesn't need to come on the porch." I said, "Yep." The first time, WH didn't come on the porch. Then, the next time, WH was coming. DS7 said, "But Daddy, you don't need to." WH said, "But I love to come on the porch to say good-bye." DS7 said, "Is that because it makes you think about Mommy?" Needless to say, WH doesn't even attempt to come on the porch anymore. I didn't tell DS7 what to say, he came up with that on his own. HE IS SEVEN. Yep, he gets it. They ALL get it.

Another thing DS can to to encourage his father from walking him to the door is to promise to flash on and off the porchlight as a sign to him that he is safe and sound inside.

We know you are!

Oh yes he knows what is going on. I am not sure how 'unemotional' I am. I try to just present the facts (It really upsets me that your dad is taking you on vacation with the woman who he had an affair with---but it is not your fault and there is nothing either of us can do about it.)But it not so easy to keep the emotion out of it.

The emotional sting will abate after you get some distance between you and xWH. Out of sight isn't out of mind, in fact, after I intially went dark I was inundated with thoughts of WH of all that he had done, of things I wanted to say to him, DO to him and OWx2 (or 3 or however many). I began journaling and putting thoughts on MB just to get it out. I never spoke to WH, never communicated these thoughts. The desire to contact him, even just to scream about how horrid an excuse for a human being he was, was HIGH.

The good news is, all of that desire to contact him slowly abated, and now I rarely think about the past with such emotion anymore. I have triggers and can handle them much better now that xWH is out of sight.

xWH has also learned what I will and won't do, and works within those boundaries

It will be easier to be less emotional the darker you go.

You're doing great, SW, you really are.

Keep thinking of different ways to go dark.

How about this instead, "It does upset me that you will be going on vacation with OW. I am glad you get to spend time with your Dad. Do you KNOW why I get upset about OW being around you?" See what he answers. Then you could just tell him that you are just not happy about the person who helped destroy your family gets to spend some fun time with him.

I have talked to my DSx2 about OW being in the car when WH drops them off. I ask if they like it, and they say "No." I tell them to feel free to tell their Dad. They did. His answer, "I need someone in the car for the ride home." I told them to tell OW. I ask them what they would say. DS7 says, "I would say, 'We don't like it when you come in the car.'" I say, "Okay, sounds good. Remember, you can ALWAYS tell Daddy and OW what you feel."

I then say, "Mommy doesn't like it when OW is in the car because it makes me remember what they are doing and how wrong it is. It hurts me. I makes me so angry. I want to yell at them and sometimes I get so mad that I want to hit someone. I won't though. I don't want to go to jail. Hitting when you are mad is wrong." See, lessons in everything.

One sure way to go darker is to NOT discuss the goings on in WH's home. Don't ask questions about what they did that weekend or evening, don't ask questions directed at getting news of WH and OW.

If DS has something to tell you about xWH's house, then I would discuss it with him, but make it clear that you would prefer not to discuss his personal interactions with WH and OW in the future.

(this one is tricky cuz you wanna make sure you are available in case there is something bad going on in xWH's home, so you will have to keep lines of communication open regarding any negative issues in the home)

I also wanted to add that i like the way Scotland says she presents HER issues with WH and OW to her sons. It's much of what I said to DS regarding his father

This one was hard for me at first. I was constantly asking what they ate(because they always came home hungry) and what they did. That was until the day that DS10 said,"Why do you keep asking me questions?" That's when I stopped asking. Now they tell me things, but it isn't much. It is much better now. There are things that drain my LB$ about what WH does/doesn't do with DSx2 so it is better this way.

Brillant, Scotland!!!

Yeah, Scotland, I used to ask all of those questions. I don't do that much anymore. If DS came home hungry, I just gave him food, didn't ask.

Now that things are easier for me, I am able to discuss what DS does during his visitation. It doesn't trigger me anymore, but I am much farther removed from the original pain than you ladies are.

DSx2 do volunteer info but I have told them that hearing about OW is upsetting. They have stopped talking about her too much and sometimes just talk about small things. It doesn't bother me and I don't ask for any more info then they offer. I wear my emotions on my face. When I get upset, although I hold it in, it shows. Strangers can tell I am upset. What still gets me though is when they slip and call me "Daddy." It kills. DS7 did that today. He called out, "Daddy." Then he caught himself and said, "Mommy." It is worse than when they get home from being with WH. As long as they don't call me OW's name, I'm all good.

DS calls me dad all of the time. He just gets used to saying dad when he is with him on his weekends. It takes a few hours for him to acclimate to the home he is in. I don't take it personally.

Oh I don't take it personally, I know what it is. They used to do it all of the time, when WH lived at home. Just when they do it, it makes my stomach sink. I don't ever tell them that. If they called me OW however, I don't think I could hold THAT in. I take a little solace in thinking that they may also call WH, "Mommy." That would be funny, but of course, I don't KNOW.

I do say nearly the exact thing. And he answers that he knows what they did is really bad. And he tells me that he doesn't want to go if I don't want him to go. At that point, I feel like I'm putting too much on him...it feels like I am making him feel bad.