Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
AGoodGuy #2405212 07/14/10 05:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
still----Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Hope you had an awesome day doing whatever you wanted!!!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
daybreak #2405655 07/15/10 03:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
My ex is in town visiting his mom. She lives about 3 hours away. He wants to see me. I have told him no. But, I am freaking out. Can anybody give me one good reason to see him?


Over it.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
I haven't seen him since last September when he left for the airport to leave the country.


Over it.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
He just texted me that he missed me. It is taking everything I have to not get in my car!


Over it.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Another text: I'm sorry M!

I didn't respond. Am I making a huge mistake? Should I see him? What if...


Over it.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
SS2,

your ex is an *ss. He doesnt want to make you feel better, he wants YOU TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER. You are worth so much more than that. Think about when you first went into recovery with him and he 'seemed' to be doing the right things. What happened a few months later? He gave you essentially 100% of everything and left the country!

He would have to be literally crawling over broken glass before even considering talking to him.

You are worth so much more.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
lildoggie #2405820 07/15/10 09:54 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Sounds to me as if he hasn't been getting his needs met anywhere. So he figures "I'll call SS and she'll see me and I can manipulate her into a night or two of fun and sex and then I'll go home and leave her all alone again till the next time I need something that she can give me."

I know I'm late to the party, but tell me you didn't meet up with him...

Agree to meet with him when he tells you he will do anything in order to be given a CHANCE to win you back. Until them, ignore the boy.

Mark

Mark1952 #2405828 07/15/10 11:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
I haven't met him. There has been some texting. My boyfriend and I broke it off though. I wasn't in love and it was very clear to me tonight that I was wasting his time. frown


Over it.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
Seems you have alot of work to do before you should date anyone. I would not consider meeting my ex whatsoever.


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
grindnfool #2405844 07/16/10 05:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
I am sorry for these latest developements SS2 hug !!!

I do however totally agree with what Lil and Mark said, you know that your ex is a total a$$ that left you after making you think you were going to reconcile.

He will just pull the rug out from under you again like he did so so so many times before he left the country. He is not asking for your forgiveness or anything, he just wants a "quickie" and you are worth so much more than that SS2 and don't you ever forget it!!!!!

I also agree that you need to be alone a little longer, i told you earlier that i thought this guy may be a rebound guy and that is not fair to either of you hug .....

And i hope you held yourself and did not meet him or let him meet you.

Hope you have a better day!!!!

SC

Still_Crazy #2406100 07/16/10 01:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Why are you doing this to yourself? You ex was not good for you. Move on, don't set yourself back by wondering. You already KNOW how he is! Focus on YOU, get out, make some friends, start a hobby, volunteer, enjoy yourself!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
kaycstamper #2406305 07/16/10 09:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
I am alone tonight. I saw the ex today and it was a very nice day. I still have a place in my heart for him- probably always will. He still says all the right things. I am okay. I'm glad I saw him even if nothing has changed. I loved him very deeply for a long time. It was good to see him and spend the day with him.


Now, on with my life...


Over it.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Ok time to get serious about recovering and living a better life. This is my chance to make some changes, learn from my mistakes and move forward. What I did to my ex-boyfriend was horrible. I can't do that to another person again. He had moved in with me a few months ago. I know that it was a mistake. I was taking the easy route. I was not willing to take the time to stand on my own two feet. I let him stay because he tried soooo hard to please me and it was a serious help with the bills. Now that he has left, I can't pay the bills alone here.

Time to make some serious evaluations and changes.

I deserve every 2x4 that I get. I am so sorry for using him and causing him so much pain. I was lying to myself every day that I told myself, "it might work out - give it more time". I was being selfish.

I don't know what I am going to do next. All I know is that I will have to figure it out and do it alone.


Over it.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
SS,

Every choice we make, every decision, has consequences. While we might not see those consequences even for years to come, they are still there, pending just as surely as if they came swiftly.

Often times our choices that we make have consequences that we did not intend, but again, they are still the result of the choices we made no matter what our original intention might have been.

The times we end up with consequences we would rather that we were somehow able to avoid, are usually those times when we compromised what we knew to be right and just. We allow ourselves to accept what we know is wrong from ourselves for expediency or for our own comfort, for our own selfish reasons.

Usually when we make those kinds of choices, those that require us to modify our own belief system or lower our standards, justifying those choices by claiming them to not be AS bad or LESS wrong than what we know to be right and good, we are making those choices based on how we feel at the moment we are faced with the decision of which way to go.

We follow our heart rather than leading it...

Here's the thing. We make those kinds of choices every single day. We choose not based on what we know or believe to be right or wrong, but rather based on our situation at that moment in time. We make our decisions based on situational ethics instead of on what we know we should do.

The problem with all of this is that as time goes on and as we get further out from one of those bad decisions, we have to make other choices along the way that we are only faced with because of the original choice we made. We head down a road we know is the wrong one and wonder why we ended up in a place we never wanted to be.

The time to decide to make a good choice is when we are presented with the first choice. If we let ourselves compromise on what is right and then realize it soon after, we have to choose to do otherwise and retrace our steps to undo choosing the direction we did at first. Even then, there can be negative consequences for the choices we made.

After we act on our choices it is too late to undo those choices. The consequences flow from those choices just as assuredly as night follows day.

Go therefore and choose wisely...

Mark

Mark1952 #2406481 07/17/10 04:21 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
I agree. I am in a place that I never wanted to be. When I was young and unmarried, I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. I knew that I would have to have a job but it was never the important part of my dreams. I wanted to have a beautiful, loving, happy family, and a nice garden. I wanted to grow old with my one and only husband and have big family get-togethers with my grandkids.

I have been married and divorced twice. I would have been happy to stay married forever to my last husband. It was not in the cards. My daughter lives on one coast. She is married to an enlisted military man. So, my one grandbaby will move all over the country with them. My son lives on the other coast -also enlisted in the military.

So now that I find myself where I am- underemployed, sinking in debt, and alone, I don't see any possibility of living the life of my girlhood dreams.

I see no option but to choose a new "happily ever after" picture. My new happily ever after does not include settling for Mr. Almost Right or Mr Says All The Right Things. It may include being happy taking care of myself, living alone, and reinventing who SS2 has become.

I am researching jobs in this area. I am also researching job in more affordable areas. I am in a position to do and live wherever I want. I miss Arkansas and the cheaper cost of living. I also miss my friends.

I am sick to my stomach and my head aches.


Over it.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
still---I am so sorry that you are going through this!!!!!

I tell people to have their pitry party (we all need to do that) just know when to go home!!!!!

You are right you are at a point in your life where you could do and live anywhere!!! I envy you!!! My family is here where I am, actually my parents and my brother who has MS live across the street!!! On daughter is an hour away right now but will go further once she is done with college, my son and DIL and 2 grandson live here and my other daughter is in TN, there are days I would move in a heartbeat, but I am needed here!!!!

Let me know how you are doing!!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
daybreak #2406574 07/17/10 11:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Today has been hard. I am alone and missing my ex-husband almost as sharply as when he left me a year ago. I thought I could handle it better. I was wrong. It is just as hard and painful as everyone else knew it would be. Would I still have seen my ex yesterday if I had known that I would be so sad today? Yup. I'm still glad that I got one more good day with him. I know the sadness will pass.

I also have the added guilt of knowing that my ex bf is grieving at my hands. He has called several times asking for another chance to win my heart. I can't do that to him again. I miss his company but I can't be selfish.

I have spent the day researching best places to live and work in the event that I can break my lease. I haven't spent the entire day wallowing.


Over it.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
still,

Yep it is hard to see the x sometimes, playing the "what if" game sucks!!! But it is part of the growing process, just keep fighting!!

I am sure you are missing the BF, he helped by re directing your thoughts and your time!!!

I like that you are looking for new jobs and stuff. What is it that you do for a profession?

I am a little lonely today myself, Doug is with his kids at the state softball tournament on the other side of the state. I have talked to him, he was hanging with a bunch of college buds last night and they had been drinking, he didn't remember what we talked about this morning and so I told him we picked a date!!!!! Blew his mind!!!

Oh well, hope ou have a good Sunday!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
daybreak #2406656 07/18/10 09:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Daybreak,

Sometimes, I wish I had fought the divorce. I wish I hadn't given in so quickly. I miss my ex-husband. Again, more what ifs. I can't change the choices that I make. Mark is right. I have to make better first choices.

I miss the companionship that the bf provided. We weren't right for each other. We bickered almost daily. It was exhausting. He wants to come back. That would be a terrible choice - not an option. He is hurting and it is my fault. I can't make it worse. Must make the right choices - not the easy choices.

I am a finance director/sales manager for a car delearship. I moved up here in March to work with an old boss. The store needed to be turned around because it was failing. Things were hard the first month. It seems doable though. Well, the boss was a recovering alcoholic and he started drinking again, his wife left him with their baby. He quit a couple of months ago. New management has come in and made life miserable. Even fewer cars are being sold and almost all the old employees have quit. The stores reputation has been ruined from years of poor customer service. It is the worst store that I have ever worked at- no exageration. A change is definitely in order.

I'm sorry you are lonely today. What "date" are you talking about? Meeting the kids or...??? Did I miss something? Lol







Over it.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
SS,

You seem to have gotten what I was saying. Good first choices open up an entire world of possibilities that are just gone forever when our first choice is not such a good one.

If you talk to your xH, then you will keep a connection to him alive. Then when he wants top see you, you will want to see him and then after you see him, you will miss him as you begin to realize that nothing has changed, he is still a selfish a$$ and the whole cycle starts again...

If you jump into a relationship with another guy based not on a lifetime commitment to being a married couple but simply out of loneliness or for some solution to some other problem that he solves for you, then when a crisis comes along, you will not be able to weather the storm together because your being together is a temporary solution to a short term problem. Also, if you then see your xH, you will immediately want to be with him again and any guy you are with will become dead meat as you jump back into the love you have for your xH.

Get over your xH. Wait till you find a guy you know you want to share your life with and grow old together with and then never see your xH ever again for as long as you live.

You can't see old flames when in a new relationship and you can't forget an old flame when you are in contact all the time.

To be treated like a different person you need to become a different person. New phone number, new life without xH, life outlook on life...

So what new choices do you face now and what direction do you think you should go now?

Mark

Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (howtoheal, anchorwatch), 141 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5