This is what I need to work on. I always start out with good intentions of being upbet and cheery, 'so did you have a good time with your dad?' But spiral down as he tells me things. I thing I will just stop asking any questions but be available if he wants to talk.[/quote]

Just let him know that it is not up to him to make you feel better. You WILL feel better and he is not responsible for your happiness. He is free to choose what HE wants to do. You will be okay with whatever decision he makes in regards to his time with his Dad. You will keep making decisions that you feel are in his best interest until he is old enough to make those decisions for himself. Until then, it is up to you to teach him what the best decisions are. It is your responsibility to teach him the difference between right and wrong because you won't always be there. YES, I do tell my kiddos all of this. It IS the truth after all.

Kids are much more observant than we give them credit for. Your son probably feels like he is the MAN of the house and he needs to take care of you. Let him know that he is still a kid and you can and are taking care of yourself. It is hard sometimes and infidelity hurts a lot of people. It takes time, but you will get better.

I do tell him it isn't his place to make me feel better, but that I am just trying to be honest with him. He asks me today if I wanted him to NOT go and I told him I didn't want him to go and be with the OW, but that I don't think he and I have much choice, so I hope he will have a good time anyway.

One thing that bothers me is that he never seems to be upset at his dad for the way his dad has treated me. Or continues to treat me.

I got up and took ds to BIble study....enjoyed the study and my friends....feel better now. I realized tonight that I really really really don't care what XWH does or who he does it with EXCEPT for how it involves my son. I know there is a group who thinks I am trying to make him pay or that I feed off the drama....but I find myself so relieved that I don't have to deal with him for the most part. I would be thrilled if he went away and never returned. Having to let my son go off with him really eats at me. Especially since he was a horrible father in general pre-separation...he rarely even glanced at ds or took him anywhere...always off with other people. Suddenly he is father of the year by comparison. I hate it.

Okay, maybe I am starting to get it a lot more. It's just what comes off in your posts. Like the reluctance to go dark. I had never in the past worried about DH being able to take care of DSx2. He was a GREAT father. That was one thing people would say over and over again when I was exposing. They couldn't believe that my WH was having an affair because he loved me and our boys so much.

I still think you can be a GREAT mom to your DS and b DARK with your XWH. I only push so hard for it because I know how much better it is than the alternative. I think I may have wound up in the loonie bin before now.

Getting yourself darker WILL be an improvement. Maybe if you see how much better you are feeling with partial darkness, you will take the plunge. Just a thought.

I am darker than you realize I think....but I hope to do even better with the suggestions I've gotten here. My biggest triggers though are not seeing him or even having to talk to him...they are hearing ds talk about him and OW and OW's son..and then the image of ds being with those homewreckers....It is just a lot to deal with.

I think it is the cruelest thing I"ve endured....knowing my son has to spend time with the woman who was sleeping with my husband which caused me to file for divorce.

I also can't get out of my head ds telling me the first time he met her that he was excited that he would have two mommies. He even told me he layed on the bed with her and XH and called her 'mommy'. I flipped totally freakin out....ds apologized and said he didn't know it would upset me so much and he would NEVER call her mommy again...I can't for the life of me figure out WHAT that was about...but it really bugs me. I can just imagine them thinking that was soooooooo funny that ds accepted her so easily. Ugh.

The Mommy thing would KILL me.

My DSx2 met OW on Christmas Day. They ate NACHOS from 7-11 for dinner. My DSx2 thought that was AWESOME. I can't really blame them though, I had asked WH to leave a week before and they hadn't seen him.

I was just reading what you were posting on here and trying to help you out with getting to a better place. I am all about IMPROVING. Glad you are going to try to get a little darker.

I know right? I asked him just now if he remembered that and he gave me a very dark look...I asked him if he had ever done that again...and he said no. I think it embarrasses him now. I don't know what he was thinking. It was strange.


It is helpful. Thank you. I am getting there. It takes me a while...a bit of obsessing....all of that.

Just got this text from XH....I am off work today so you can bring ds anytime.

Ds is not awake yet....It is not even 9:00 here....and I am going to meet my parents in town for lunch....think I will let ds decide if he wants to be dropped of on the way or if he wants to go to lunch with his grandparents first and then go to his dad's. When I figure that out I will respond with 'Be there X time.'

Oooooh and it is 4 words only!

Oh I did want to confirm that he will not be leaving ds in a hotel room alone or just with another kid...do you think I need to do that? His lawyer's letter said something about 'as long as there are separate rooms for the adults' that I have to deal with it...Should I assume her sentence was just wonky or should I confirm what that means?

Also should I ask if he is taking ds out of town? Do I need to know this? If he is taking him to Waterpark it is almost 4 hours away....Or should I just drop him off and not say anything and get him back Sunday.

Hi SM,

You decide the time and then send the text with dropoff.

If XH wants to bend the agreement, he could get a connecting room and have DS and her son sleep there. But you as the mother can ask specifically that XH stay in room with son.

Because what would be the point of having OW in another room if XH is with her. It is the example part that you want enforced.

Did DS tell you where they are going. If that is the case I would not ask.

Did you make plans for yourself this weekend?

I honestly don't think he has the guts to sleep with her knowing ds will know...because WH knows I will be all over that legally. I don't think he will even get connecting rooms because ---wow, now you have me worried about that!

Maybe I should email WXH and discuss with him? Something like, 'If you are taking a girlfriend out of town with ds, please confirm you will have a totally separate hotel room for you and ds10 and that you will not be violating the legal agreement we have in place in any way such as having connecting rooms or leaving ds alone or with another child in a hotel room.'

Is that too much? I'm getting nervous. I don't want to have him do something pushing the envelope and think he can just get away with anything...

Try not to be adversarial in your email. Stick to "please confirm sleeping situation" Don't jump to conclusions or get yourself all worked up over something you don't even know yet.

Once you have the facts you can discuss the agreement. Never assume your WH will interpret or do anything according to how YOU would do it or that he doesn't have the guts to disobey you or any agreement.

OK I just sent an email that said, 'what are the plans for this vacation with ds10?'

Has he replied?

It's too bad you couldn't have gotten all this straightened out before today.

No reply....I didn't reply to his text about me bringing ds over anytime since he is off work today.

the problem with your email is that it is vague. He could respond, "I planned on leaving around 10am, but have been waiting to hear from you..." which does not answer the question of sleeping arrangements. It will skirt the REAL issue you have entirely.

You need to ask what you want to know. Be more specific and pointed without anger.

Stop being afraid to get the information you require.

I don't know, SW, I know you're worried about this trip, but you also said you were confident XWH would not be staying in the same room OW, b/c he KNOWS you'd bust his azz.

It's not easy getting ajoining rooms at the last min. And I consider a week's notice to be last min. But,even if they do have them, what are you going to do? Tell XWH that he can't have ds?

When he gets your email, he's probably going to flip.

Instead of letting him know what time you'll be dropping DS off at, you're still in the "I haven't made up my mind about letting DS go yet" stage.

SW, do you even have the right to keep DS from going on this trip? I would think you only have say in the sleeping arrangements, not as to whether he can actually go.

Since it's obviously too late the for this trip, for the future, ask the questions you want answered, without ambiguity. Your questions are still infused with emotion. Asking what his plans are without being specific is you goading him on...trying to start something.

OK, I was trying to keep emotion out of it...he just replied

<I've already told you once. Canoeing or water park. Something fun.>

So what do I say to that? I am not trying to keep him from going...I just want to know where he is going and what the sleeping arrangments will be. Do I just say that?

"I want to know where he is going and what the sleeping arrangments will be."

Find out what hotel they are staying at and get the room numbers from him or from the hotel. Tell the hotel you are his wife and they should divulge the room numbers. Just an idea.