Hey Queenie,

Good to see you driving by. Stop by and stay a spell!!!

Just had to post this today. I get a text from DD:

DD Text: I am at the hospital now to see Chaibaby2. Dad is in the playroom watching chaibaby.

So I read this to a friend of mine who is visiting for the weekend, and she says to text back and ask if XWH will take chaibaby for the weekend so they can bond. OMG, what a great idea I say.

Me Text: See if Dad will watch chaibaby tonight. They can bond. Chaibaby would have a great time.

DD Text: Right. Chaibaby2 just got his newborn pic taken so I will send proofs.

Me Text: DD, I am not kidding. Why can't he take chaibaby?

DD Text: He's just not going to. He is sick and already frustrated. I'm leaving here because he is irritated.

Me Text: Why is he irritated?

dd Text: It's just not happening.

So, he's good at finding all kinds of things wrong with the rest of us but isn't willing to help.

This is the second time he has been with DD this week though. Me thinks something is stinky in Affairland.

What a great idea. Put some of the PARENTAL -- er -- GRAND-PARENTAL responsibility onto him.

He's too SICK?

He's too FRUSTRATED?

Welcome to the real world where CL isn't around to help. It's like he wants to rant and complain and criticize. And when you finally give up and say "then you do it," he says "not me."

Easy to be an arm chair quarterback.

I hope Affairland has been hit with a tornado of the worse kind. I hope it backfired in his face with something BIG like another OM or trust issues or FINANCIAL betrayal or -- gasp! LYING.

What goes around....

You are doing AWESOME, CL.

Well, I hoped so too but doesn't look like it. There was a meeting at CPS yesterday and DD said XWH would attend so I didn't have to. OK. DD called me after the meeting and told me that they let her take chaibaby2 back to rehab under the conditions that she stays clean. She says her dad supported her. When she called me, her counselor had just takedn her to pick up chaibaby2.

So last evening, the other grandpa called me to tell me his take on the meeting. He said WXH was there with �that woman.� Wow, I had the wind knocked out of me for a minute. I would have guessed that the A was on the rocks based on the past few months.

Other GP must have had a couple of glasses of wine, so he was talking about how XWH introduced her as �his girlfriend� (what is this, high school?), and that both of them were quiet until the social workers kept prodding XWH to talk. Other GP said XWH made sure to tell them that he travels so can�t help. Other GP said he saw right through that.

Then he said �Man, she is nothing like you� and I told him �I have never met her so I don�t know if that�s good or bad.� He said, �you have class.� He said it a few times, so that made me feel a little better.

Anyway, DD did not even mention that she was there which kind of ticked me off.

Why am I letting this get to me and drag me down? Every time I think I am doing great, along comes a trigger with a big gun behind it. I hate this. I just want to �get over it and move on� as they say. Why can�t I??? GRRRRR

((Chai))
Just remember that your DD, as "dear" as she is, is still an addict. Addicts are liars and manipulators. She obviously decided to hold that card to play at a time when it would have maximum impact.
You cannot presume she's giving you the straight story at ANY time. You know that, already, though. Just a little reminder!

I know Ima. I'm ticked that she didn't tell me, but more upset that the A is still active. I was convinced it had died which was some vindication for me. This definitely defies the 2 year mark. Going on 6 now. Some days it just brings me down.

I read something in a book (fiction) today that rings true... when it comes to APs they either stay together, no matter how bad it gets, to save face to prove to others that they were "meant to be" or they break up, proving that they're both just a couple of cheaters.

No wonder your DD told you that you didn't have to attend the CPS meeting. She KNEW OW would be there. She was either manipulating the situation or trying to protect you. Based on the history though, I have a feeling it was manipulation.

I'm so sorry Chai.

I have never been totally sold on the 2-year time thing but what do I know. I suppose if 2-years is correct then it takes a 4-year adultery somewhere to offset a one-night stand somewhere else.

Gollum and Wayzilla are 4+ years and still hanging.
SD's ex Sippy Cup Queen and POSOM are in the 5+ range.
Cowgirl's WxH and Babs are about the same.

I guess the class of 2007 was never too good at statistics.

Chai, sorry you were triggered. Notice OW did not offer her services for baby.

I would like to think that DD just did not want to hurt you but all she is about right now is getting what she wants.

You think it would get easier after all this time and then Kaboom.

Keep hearing it gets better. Wish there was a timeline!

{{{{{Chai}}}} My Wh A is hitting the 5 year mark also...You are not alone. Hang in there.

I hear you Chris. They say only 3% make it this far. Why are so many of us in the 3%. It's the same for me with AT&T. They have 97% of Americans covered, but wherever I go I seem to be in the 3% that isn't. I just can't win.

Add to list: Smartypants 2007 (WXH still M to OW)
I'm sure there are others I can't think of now..

I guess what baffles me is how they so casually make a decision to get married. This is a major life decision yet they jump right into it and after going through horrible D's. It's crazy


I guess that ticked me off and I feel very betrayed. A friend of mine said that I should let it go and not say anything. I'm not sure whether to let it go or not. I want her to know how I feel, not that it would matter, but I feel like I need to say something.

Any thoughts on it woulod be appreciated....

I think the reason it seems like the numbers are skewed here is because there are many people who come on here briefly, their H is in an affair, but it ends quickly and they quit posting.
Some of the longer-term posters here have had a more drawn-out A, meaning they stuck around to vent, get support and help others.
There are still plenty of people on here whose wayward ended the A pretty quickly, myself included. It's just a silent majority. But I do feel your pain. Just had a close family member endure a D-day yesterday, too. It never ends.

{{{{{Chai}}}}


Am so sorry about the latest trigger incident and all that goes with it. Try (although it's HARD) not to place too much stock in the fact that she was there. Remember, WXH (like Drac) seems very much about APPEARANCES. Doesn't necessarily mean things are great. It just means that things were ok enough for her to go along so that he could appear like the 'stable' GPa.



In a wayward mind, 'THIS' relationship is what is SAVING them from the horrific circumstances of the marriage. They have built all of the negative up about the marriage and all of the positive about the A in their minds and used it to justify their affair.
To them, it's the SOLUTION to all of their problems, remember?

Yep - Crazy.

I have to tell you that recently I've wondered if *I* were not the crazy one around my neck of the woods. Several triggers for me recently and the fact that I am still triggered has really bothered me. I, too, wonder if it will ever end.

But, I've decided that atleast I can deal with the triggers and with life at the same time, which is a whole lot better than how I once was. So, I just keep trying to focus on the positive and the blessings in life.

I allow myself an occassional 'moment' or two but then keep pressing on with life.

I am encouraged by several of our Class of 2007. Desptie the above average length of the WS's affairs, what an amzaing group! While we have a variety of new circumestances - some in relationships, some married, some just dating, and some living single - the amount of Personal Recovery is amazing. YOU, my friend, are included in that Amazing Group, ya know!

Don't beat yourself up over the trigger. Recognize it and try to work on less focus on the expectation that their affairage is in trouble or is ending. As we've said so many times here - there is no way for us to REALLY know what is going on there and it's best that we do not.

As for DD - well I have my own opinions as to why she did not tell you, but it does not matter what *I* think. It matters what you think. If you feel the need to express your hurt to her, then do so. I would caution you to have no expectations of her reaction or of her honestly/concern for your feelings in the future. Until she is fully in recovery, these kinds of conversations will likely be only for the benefit of your getting things off of your chest. As long as you know that - it can still be benefical for you.

So, how's the new job going? Are you travling much? Who knows, maybe we'll bump into each outher in the airport someday soon!

{{{Chai}}}}

Good morning Chai!

Just as Bugsy said, I am not going to sit and guess why your DD kept this info about OW from you. She did and that's that. If you have something to say to her, say it. There is no sense in holding back. Be O&H with her.

As for the ole WH, well, he's a jackarse and you know this. It's not that you are not worthy of respect, it's that he's not respectful to anyone or anything for any reason. He's all show...all about the song but not the dance. He's swooping in for the toughest stuff...like a meeting..OOOOO AAAHHHHH You can't control how stoopid other people are when it comes to WH, including your own daughter. She's gonna have to learn on her own what kinda man daddy has become, and as long as she is using or even in the user mindset, all his talking will buy him a passport into her heart. He doesn't have to show any action, just pontificate and emote and DD will love me.

It's a crock.

As for the length of most affairs being, what is it, 2 years? I dunno, you have to consider that you are on MB discussion forum, where most of us have been brutalized directly by infidelity. The concentration of people here as opposed to out in the big world is high, so the numbers will be skewed here.

In my sitch, the Z is not with original sin...he has moved on and on, so I don't have the original trigger walking around in my life at all. I thought about this last night, before dozing off. I'm indifferent to the women the Z dates now, don't talk about them, never meet them and don't give a hoot, as long as DS is OK, but I don't know how I would feel if he were still with OW#1. What I am bothered by is if the original OW has paid enough dues to make up for carpet bombing my marriage and then flying back to her base? She supposedly went back to her husband, so she still has HER marriage. IMO, there isn't much she can do to make amends for the damage she did, so I try to let it go, and will continue to do so. That's all I have within my power. This is the first time I have thought of her in years. I think it was Mel's thread about her sons upcoming nuptials that got me to thinking...

Anyway, I have prattled on...

My last day of work was Friday the 9th. I went to the beach for a few days with Sis and DS and a GF of mine. AZman and son will be arriving here Saturday to take a tour of DC, and then I'm back in the car for the four day trek across the country.
I dread that trip cuz my back is not so great right now. UGH!!!

Love you Chai and hope you find some peace.

I hear you Ima and agree. I am sure there is a disproportionate number here on the boards who are victims of the never ending A or affairage. I hope you send your family member here for help. This place has saved many people, me included.

I know, we have all come a long, long way. Back in 2007 I thought the world had ended, and believe me there were days that I wanted to leave it. I could not have imagined that I would survive a D and begin to heal. Wow. You never know what surprises life holds. Yes, we have done well.

I just get angry with myself that I let it drag me down. I drive myself nuts trying to figure out why I let it. I get into a depressed state that I have a hard time getting back out of. I hate the feeling � emptiness, feeling alone in the world etc. It�s almost like I go back to 2007 again and I never want to go back there. It was a very, very dark place that year.

I know part of it is that she doesn�t want to hurt me. Believe it or not, she can be a caring person. When she is not in an active addiction she never hangs up without telling me she loves me. There is a good person in there somewhere, but there is also the addict side and XWH feeds into it so she is going to protect it. I am not going to read anything into anything she says. As is with most of us, there was some satisfaction in believing that the A had ended. A little vindication I guess. As far as DD, I have learned the hard way not to expect anything from her. She is incapable of living in reality.

OK. Not the income I would like, but it will suffice until I can find something better (I hope). If you are down this way, let me know!!

SL, you crack me up. And, you are right as usual. It does tick me off though that I have done all of the hard work of living with DD and her addiction, trying to get help for her, caring for chaibaby etc and now he swoops in when the hard stuff is over. Of course he helped OW and her son with his addiction but couldn�t find the energy to help his own DD.



Sorry to say, but she probably doesn�t even give it a second thought. I don�t think waywards ever consider anyone else but themselves.

I am so happy for you. Bummer though, I was coming back your way in August and hoped that we could meet up. Another time for sure. Keep us posted on your travels�.

CL

Yup, you are probably right.... BUUUUUUT, if she is truly recovered, that's good enough. Sounds mean, but I hope she experienced a great deal of pain during her marital recovery, after the fog cleared and she realized what she had done...I hope it pained her greatly. I hope, however, she never knows the pain and destruction she was party to in my life. I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I can feel remnants of that pain creeping up into my throat, tightening as my head spins a little and I feel a faint tickle in my tear ducts.

SL,

You are NOT MEAN!

You are one of the nicest people I know!

I haven't found any shortcuts. I think time is the only thing that works, other than recognizing the triggers for what they are and trying to let go of the crap.

The SCQ married POSOM a couple of months ago, and that messed me up for a while. Then POSOM's ex-wife called me last week, and that put me in touch with the huge pool of lingering anger.

If I figure out some special way to cut through the crap, I'll let you know.

I find less and less triggers, but there are those days. Never know when those trigger bombs will hit but last time I had a shot of rum and that helped.

Ok maybe 2