There ya go. He knows... now whether he will abide by it is another story. I like the suggestion to call DS during the trip to CASUALLY see how its going, unless you have a specific clause that says you can't. My daughter and her EX are only allowed to call their children during the other's visitation at a specific time and day.

SW, I am sorry that I opened up a can of worms mentioning a connecting room.

I always anticipate the worst and pray for the best, so I am prepared either way.

Save that text about "ok, I know the decree", so if there is any issues you can then take him to court.

The bottom line is that DS will be going away, you have been flexible in dropping him off earlier and document this for future reference.

They will not be staying in the same room as OW

Let DS relax so he will have fun and not have to worry about you.

Pack a pound of the highest sugar content candy you can find and let him drink 3 full glasses of orange juice prior so he will be bouncing off the walls and have to make 3 bathroom stops before they get there.

Let OW get a taste of what life will be with your son and hopefully she will take sides with her son all weekend and XH will take sides with yours.

Now get on those dancing shoes, fix your hair, put on makeup and GET OUT tonight. Blessings

How are you doing, SW?

Here's a good book, I thought you might appreciate, it's called Be Calm My Anxious Heart.

You can pick up a copy here... LINK

I did terrible. I did fair with XH but terrible with ds. All the way to town I said all the wrong things and he was crying and saying, 'why do you try to make me feel this way!'

I am a horrible mother.

I took him to eat with my parents before I met up with XH and dropped him....and I calmed down and hopefully patched things up with ds. In the end I sent him away with a smile and a hug and told him to have a good time.

He was really looking forward to the trip...even mentioning the OW's son, clearly in happy anticipation to see him...I did manage to not ruin that for him. You guys have to realize that he has been around the OW and her son A LOT of XH's visitation in the last 6 months. OW already knows all about ds. I don't really see this weekend being some sort of change in how she feels about XH or my son.

When I was making arrangements of where to meet up with XH for him to get ds, I asked XH if he would please let me know if he decides to go out of town. He said he had no definitive plans but he would let me know. He said, "I've never not let you know where I'm taking him." In about 30 minutes my X-neighbor calls and said that my ds had just been over there saying they were going to Whitewater. And then while I was talking to her, XH beeps in to tell me, 'just found discount tickets on line to waterpark so I am taking him there.' He gave me the hotel name and said he would have him back to me by 8:00 on Sunday. He asked me if I wanted to talk to ds and I said yes. I managed to rally and be cheerful and tell him to have a good time at the Waterpark. Gave him a few instructions about staying safe...and heard his dad in the back ground agreeing with my instructions. Reminded him if he got lost and can't remember his dad's cell phone number to call mine and I would call his dad for him.

Then I went and spent several hundred dollars on a GPS and new IPOD...hoping for a distraction of some sort...went and got paint for a project for ds's room...making it a lego room. Now I am home crying in front of the computer. I have nothing and no one. My son is off with his scumbag father that I know he loves.

All the people I would normally call I'm trying not to. The man I was seeing....that would just open up a door I need to stay closed. OW's BXH...he needs to heal and we just feed off each other....my BIL...you all have said that is a bad idea.....my parents...they are in town and coming by in a bit...but I don't want to see them either....my girlfriends are all married....they of course have real lives.

I know...pity party for SW.

I just hate that my son WANTS to go and HAS to go. I am not of the opinion that any father is better than no father. I would so love to see him NEVER see his father again. And yes, I told ds that today. He looked shocked and said 'why?' I said, 'because of what he has done to me and to you.' There was more...it was ugly...later when I calmed down I asked ds if he was still mad at me...he looks so sweet and says, 'I was never mad at you mom. I'm never mad...sometimes sad, but never mad at you.'

He should be the grown up.

SW, get a hold of yourself and stop these interactions with your son. That poor kid does not need this crap from you. Pitying yourself is not going to help you or him.

Now, with that being said, be gentle with yourself in these moments and take care of you. Sometimes that just may mean learning to quiet your mind and be still. The time that you son is away can be time for you to rediscover yourself.

Trying to dismiss or avoid the feelings is not going to help you, in the long run. You will have to walk through it.

It IS going to be ok, as long as you allow it to, SW.

In a high emotional state, you need to take some deep breaths and keep your thoughts to yourself until such a time that you can talk calmly. You are not a bad mom, but you can become one if you allow this anger to cause you to further damage your son when you can control yourself.

I know. I need to repeat this 50 times between now and Sunday evening. I am determined that when he gets back I don't say one single negative thing to him. I have got to get control of myself or I am going to alienate my son from me.


I have no clue how to do this. I feel hopeless and sad. I would like to make peace with my X, but it so feels like I am once again allowing myself to be trampled on if I try.


I start out talking calmly....like Scotland....but somehow when I start saying the things she says I end up saying so much more. I am going to have to go to the strategy of saying NOTHING and just nodding and smiling when ds tells me stuff that makes me want to react.

Until you are able to control what comes out of your mouth, SW, say very little. If you continue to keep dark, you will feel less impact from your xWH and your loss.

when I have a question on how to do something, the first place i go is to an internet search engine and plug in my question. Usually something comes up to read that leads me to another to another to another.

I would also consider apologizing to your son and letting him know that, although you feel very strongly about what your xWH has done, you will find more constructive ways of talking with him. THen you set about to find a way to do that.

The reason Scotland can communicate so clearly and calmly with her kids is that she is dark and has begun to heal, all by herself. She is able to be honest and open with them without causing them distress. She is able to teach right and wrong clearly and concisely.

Give yourself some time, find ways to get darker, and watch your interactions with DS until such a time that you can control the venom.

Venom is right. I don't even know why ds loves me. WH has said it is only a matter of time before ds gets 'enough of your bs.' Maybe he is right. I just want to crawl in a hole and die to night.

I've spent a year thinking I was doing the right thing.....and it hasn't worked out like I thought it would at all. I did what I could to bust up the affair but it didn't work. Now I wonder if they will stay together. My BIL says it will never work...but here we are a year past D day and they are taking vacations together. With their children.

Ok SW, this is gonna smart a little...but it may work out longer than you would like. Truth is, more often that not it doesn't work out, but it could be years before their relationship ends (it could be weeks, months..., you get the idea). If you want, you can look up statistics on the failure rate of relationships stemming from infidelity and hope and pray that that knowledge will make it all better. IMO, that's a waste of time.

Sooooooo....you could dwell on that, allowing the anger to fester inside of you, seeping into the rest of your relationships, or you can take control of your own life and find a way to deal with the anger, resentment and sadness.

You have a decision to make...

Your DS loves you because you are his mother. The fact that you are drowning in self pity and even asking that question is a bad place for you to dwell. Your DS needs a strong, happy mom.

You are only one year out from Dday, and divorced very quickly. Very swift and devastating. This is all so very fresh for you, so, again, be gentle with yourself. What's done cannot be undone, but you can work very hard to improve your relationship with your son and make your xWH eat his words when you become the safest place for DS.

Accept that it is for now? Accept that my son has to go be with the woman who was sleeping with my husband within hours of ME sleeping with him? I want to scream at XH "How could you do this to me!!!!! THIS part---THIS taking my SON around her. How can you do this to another human being." I did say something similar to him a week ago or so...I said, 'Is there no end to your cruelty?' He doesn't care. I and my feelings mean nothing to him. How can that be? How can he live with me for 25 years and care so little about my feelings?


Honestly, if my son didn't have to go be with them....it would be so much easier. I just want to scream at all these BSs on here who do not have children...RUN AWAY!!!!!

I'm not saying anything about liking the situation, and I'm not saying that you stop protecting your son as much as you can. I'm saying that you learn to deal with your anger and pain.

You arm yourself with whatever legal means you have to keep your son safe, and you learn to deal with the rest.

It's not fair, never will be. I have seen woman after woman march in and out of my DS's life. I cannot control that, but I can control what is done in my household.

How old is your son? How long have you been divorced? Is it easier to deal with the women who weren't the cause of the divorce?

I did just read a statistic that said only 3% of affairs result in marriage. Oddly enough, it made me feel MUCH better.

You have no idea what your xWH thinks or feels. He may very well feel terrible about what he did, but he's not going to tell you...not right now. You have no idea if he can even look at himself in the mirror.

He may be spending lots of time trying to justify what he has done, and any erratic emotional responses from you will give him the ammunition. Remember that your son could very well be telling your xWH about your blowups and interactions.

My son is now 8. This all started when he was 3 years old. The original OW took off back to her husband. Then WH came home, waffled and left, came home waffled and left, came home promising not to waffle...then waffled and left. All the while I was working very hard to change MYSELF and how I dealt with my anger.

I have been divorced for over a year, but I also attempted recovery (suffering false recovery after false recovery) for 3+ years

If the statistics make you feel better, then that is great! Truly.

For me, each time my WH brought DS home and then went back to the OW, no statistic would do.

I found ways to deal with the anger, by reading, by talking to close friends and by journaling. I DID NOT discuss it with DS.

I am a plan driven, solution based person, so it made sense to me to find a way to deal with my anger, because it was eating me alive. I was stress eating, drinking more heavily and crying at the drop of a hat.

Oh, and I don't deal with the women that caused the divorce or any women in xWH's life, so I cannot tell you if it's easier or not. IMO, my husband is more the culprit than the OW, although I do hope OW#1 has suffered greatly since she was party to the original blow to my marriage.

I am honest with myself about my anger, but i don't allow that to taint how I interact with my DS. I am able to talk openly with him about right and wrong and about his father.

When Neaksis was still the temporary guardian of the children she ended up adopting, she had to take them to mandatory "family reunification" visits with their parents. The lead-in was hideous. The rides home, and the aftermath were awful. And on those occasions when mom or dad didn't show? Oh, my word.

But they had to go, in much the same way that your son has to go to see his dad...because the court so ordered. Unless you are willing to go underground, and become a fugitive, you are going to have to fulfill the court mandate as long as your XH is willing to come and see his son. There is no legal way out of this for you right now. And if your son ever spills the beans to his dad about your meltdowns, questions, and mood swings (natural responses to your XH's cruelty, I agree!), he can take you to court and present himself as the "sane," "normal," "rational" parent, and try to get custody. If you think what you're enduring now is hard, think about that for awhile!!!

I don't know how it will work best for you to get your emotions under control and deal with the crappy hand life has dealt you out. I DO know you need to find a way, or things may take a twist that you will definitely like even less than where you are now. Judges purely HATE to have their orders ignored, or undermined. I fear you're starting to skate perilously close to the edge. You need to pull back.

tl

How do you talk honestly to him about his father without saying you wish he never had to see his father again?

I know I am looking crazy right now. I know son's natural loyalty is to me right now....but that will not last forever...I will drive him away if I keep this up. I am not saying I act this way all the time...but I am with him enough I have GOT to get control of myself.

The good news is I drove him to his father and allowed him to go spend the weekend with him knowing he was going out of town on vacation with the OW. I did not violate any order at all. I even took him to his dad 4 hours early.