the home we used to live in together and we are tring to sell I use it for storage adn I have to get stuff in and out, every month or so....I could not help seeing. I did not snoop!
You are right...I should not think of them. Trying every day!
blessing

It's hard, but you can do it.

Is there anyone else who could get things for you? I find that I think about WH MORE after I trigger. It puts me into a real funk. Sometimes it takes days to get out of just by seeing him when he picks up the kiddos. And the thing is, WH doesn't even know I see him. So it's not about HIM, it's all ME. I give myself some 2x4's for that. Believe me, I am harder on myself than anyone else could be.

Just Saturday, I was walking to the bus stop(I had looked out the window to make sure WH was gone and saw OW in MY seat in the car) and I started to cry. I thought about how my marriage is OVER. I thought about how I was never going to have DH back and that he would be happy with OW. I was getting into a real funk. I let myself cry and then I berated myself for looking. I didn't NEED to look. Although, had I walked out, it would have been worse. Then I told myself that I have been living on my own for 7 months now and I am FINE. I CAN do this. I AM doing this. I asked myself what I truly want and my answer wa simply, "I want to be HAPPY." I am now focusing on being HAPPY. I need to find things that bring JOY to my life. Part of it is this place. I LOVE to help others. It makes me feel good. So thank you.

Find the things that bring you JOY and try to not trigger yourself. Take care.

Thnk you, that is hard to see OW where you used to sit in the car.
Do you live in the same town?
Sorry about the info of my WH moving in with OW. It was wrong, it was my obsession and fear. He must have stopped by at her house that day, but the friend who gets my mail told me her H spent recreation time with my WH 3 days ago and WH still lives in the same spot and is still totally into his teenage bachelor lifestyle, he also fixed a motorcycle he had in the garage for a while....
blessing

I do not live in the same town as WH and OW. They live 30 minutes away and work in a city 20 minutes away. It is in the same region. We CAN run into each other IF I go to their city, or the city they work, but I AVOID it at all costs. As far as I know(because I AM in Plan B), WH only comes to our home city when he comes to get the kiddos. They stay away from my workplace, as far as I know, and WH has stopped talking to all of his old friends. There is no reason for him to come here other than to see the kiddos. His life has now become about OW. He actually started doing that last summer but I didn't know what it meant. If I had found this place, I am CERTAIN that you guys would have been able to tell me what was going on.

You don't have to apologize to us about the misinformation. We don't need the apology. All I am trying to do is call you on your thinking and where it is focused and try to help you get a different focus. I KNOW what it feels like and I know what you are going through. I understand the way that some others in your real life can not. I know what it is like when people tell you things. I get caught off guard. I know people who work near WH and OW and they MAY see them but after the first time they told me, they don't tell me again, and I DON'T ask.

You see, I know how much better I feel after a few days of absolute darkness and I know how easily I can be thrown by a "close encounter of the wayward kind" as I call it. I only wish that for you. The peace you find when you have been DARK as NIGHT for weeks. It feels so much better. I know because of the way I feel after any small trigger. I can be thrown off course for DAYS. It is a process though. Like I keep being told, recovery is a marathon not a sprint, even personal recovery.

Have you read the buyers/renters/freeloaders thread y Pepperband? It really helped me out when I felt like I was stuck last weekend. I have grown in my personal recovery by realizing that we as a BS are usually a faithful buyer and we are in a different mindset. To be in a truly dark and effective Plan B(By effective, I mean for personal recovery), we need to change our mindset from buyer to renter. By that, I mean that we have to willing to be divorced. We have accept that that IS a possibility and that we will be OKAY. It's a hard step and I am still working through that. I know I will be okay but when I said my vows, I intended them to be forever. I NEVER intended to be divorced. A work in progress, that's what we are. As long as we a progressing and we don't get stuck, we are doing good.

Unfortunately I live in the same town as WH and even if I do not live in the apartment we both own (bacause OW lives downstairs) I still go to the lake. Up until a few months ago when I went to the lake a did a detour with my bike of 10 miles in order not to transit in front of WH new place. However today I decided I was going to go for a quick swim in the lake and I was not going to do the detour because is way too hot. SO I did not and of course when I was biking back I saw WH walking and we crossed paths. He grinned at me and I made a fake imitating grin and moved past him. For some weird reason I did not care and I am not going to change my plans in the future, if I run into him, so be it. I am not looking forwar to it nor I plan to do it, but if it hapens, it will.
As you said, we have to think of plan D at some point. My WH is really gone and into a totally rewarding lifestyle.
It is time for me to do the same.
I plan to take canoeing lessons soon by joining a club and then I plan to join hiking clubs and other outdoorsy activities because I really like to be outdoors. I came to the realization that I have to do what I like. Period.
We moved to the lake because we liked the outdoors and I am not going to have the lake become an off limit place because it belongs to WH beachlife and his OW.
Scr&w them. I too want to have some fun.
I am really sick of living in this avoiding mood.
If my love for him is trickling away, so be it....I doubt there are any grounds for recovery at this point.
If any of you want to come and visit me here let me know. The city is close and there are great aoutdoors.
Scotty let me know if you are up to it.
blessing

Atena hugs to you.

Triggers are killers. I have not seen XH for 2 months and it does help. God is keeping him out of my path for now.

It has been 2 years for me and I am so much stronger. It takes time. Can't believe you rode by each other but stuff happens.

Consider it a blessing if he is living with OW and her bratty kids. Nothing like a reality check when the fantasy is busted as she is yelling at the kids, everyday life takes the romance away.

Would love to visit! lol Was in Italy 2 years ago in March and loved it. Do you get back to the states?

Take care and God bless.

I was talkin to a friend today and she was asking me how I was doing. I did tell her I did not want to talk about WH. SHe said it was understandable since it is very clear now he will never contact me again as he would have done so by now so I am doing well trying to forget him as he has obviously moved on with OW.
I did not say anything to her but I came here to vent.
How can she say with confidence that even if WH has not contacted me ever in 10 months during this plan b I am in, how can she say that he never will? Is she right....?
blessing

Just to add to my previous post...I do not think people realize that power of the A. They do not see the link between WS seeing OP and the WS wanting out of the M.
Also,they see the OP as a full partner with which WS will build a new life. I think they fail to see the nature of the A that is built on lies and cheating and secrecy. They tend to see it as a "regular" relationship.
blessing

But Atena, the power of the A over YOU is all that you have to worry about. You need to take your power back and not let your WH and OW keep hold of you. When you told your friend that you didn't want to talk about your WH, she still did. Where are the boundaries. Keep yourself DARK.

You are doing well at trying to stay darker and that needs to happen to really help you. You CAN and WILL feel better with distance. When you let yourself grieve and heal, you actually won't care about the Affair anymore. You will take control of your life.

Don't get stuck. Hopefully when you get a permanent place to stay and you start making your surroundings better you will feel better.

I have been venting here for 2 years and MB is my lifeline. People who have not experienced this do not have a clue. Unless they walk a mile in our shoes they do not understand the devastation that an A causes.

My whole outlook has changed after XH started the A. Movies that I loved that had an A I now feel sick to watch again. I remember telling friends why can't they just move on. I am now one of those people.

I ignore 90% of what people say because it is misguided this is a way they think YOU will feel better.

Come here and vent with us. We get it.

Thank you all.
My M is in god's hands and there is nothing I can do at this point but wait for a miracle to restore my WH to his right mind and to help me too gain right mindness.
As he is now, only a miracle can help.
blessing

Is she a psychic? That is the only way I can think she would know this. If she is a psychic will you ask her for tomorrows lotto numbers in Texas and we can split the booty?

You really made me laugh! A much needed one! I am doing grades for the class I taught this summer. SO I needed it!
People seem to know a lot especially when it comes to affairs, they seem to think that OW is just like the wife, meaning the WH just substituted A for B and the result is the same.
You can't believe how many people swear my H will never contact me again. I guess they are taking bets and maybe it is an alternative to winning the lottery.

I will ask my friend for the lotto numbers in Texas and you keep the booty.
hugs and blessing

Atena, I am in Texas too, can you let me know those magic lotto numbers??

I stopped asking or listening to people's opinions. With family and friends who really don't understand I remain as still as possible. I do not try to educate them or sway them to MB.

Yes, leave it in God's hands...truly. Why are we so skeptical of miracles? It is us who has too little faith in His plan.

Take care and blessings.

I always love your encouragements. Thank you. And I do believe in miracles. The world is not rosy and pink in affair land. I am convinced.
I love to read this from time to time (Excerpt from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity
thanks to Fred in VA who posted it a while back)
Romantic Infidelity
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate�someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own�is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.


Blessing

Atena, I found your friend!!!

She could start a business like the one with the turbant you just sent me.

Wouldn't it be amazing if WH at some point would want to come back so badly that he'll do anything I need him to do to save the M? The what would the psychic say?

blessing

Hi all,
I just came back from the grocery store only to see my WH motorcycle parked outside of it (he now has a motorcycle as his only vehicle), when I came out with my groceries I saw WH and OW who was getting ready to go on the back seat of the motorcycle, they looked at eachother knowingly and then looked at me.
I pretended they were wallpaper...and went on my way. They never use that grocery store.
My heart is broken, I am in so much pain, it has been 10 months now in plan B and WH is acting like a teenager more than ever and is still in love with her.
Why am I in so much pain when they do not give a damn and are happy.
Sorry, but I do not know who to talk to right now and need some support ..help
blessing

bump

((((AETNA))))

I'm so sorry you had to witness that sweetie, I KNOW that hurt!!!! But you know what, they're only fooling themselves. So his only transportation is a motorcycle?? Guess OW's in "lurve" and "right now" it doesn't matter. It will.