Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 18 of 33 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 32 33
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Is it an LB or a bad Plan A to tell her I enjoyed myself, but I would have enjoyed it more with her?

How could this be a lovebuster to tell her this?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
How Do I handle this? I texted her after church and said I missed her in church and that I enjoyed myself at Burgerfest, but I would have enjoyed it more if she were with me. This is what I got back from her:
"You need to stop. I left church so not to see you. I can not handle the pain of seeing you sitting where I have sat forever with the friends I have worshipped with. I will not be returning to church any time soon. I though I was stronger, but you have broken me down and I can't go any lower."


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Now I didn't know that was supposedly her spot. Younger son and I sat in one spot, and friends of ours called us over to sit with them. I didn't think that she sat with these people, I will have to ask them and find out. I am not trying to chase her away or make her feel bad, I just want to go and see friends and get some feeling of hope and joy. I especially thought it would be okay when she texted me last night and told me it was okay. I think this is just her low self-esttem manifesting itself again, but how do I respond in a positive, love bank filling way?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
She is just angry because she thought things would be a lot easier when she moved out, you did nothing wrong, I would text her back and say..

"I'm so sorry you feel that way, and I would have loved it if you had sat next to us today at church, the people still love you and care about you, and so do I."

She is still a wayward, and she will keep blaming you for her misery, what she needs to do is be more humble, because that text you got from her clearly states she is NOT!

GOOD LUCK laugh

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
SR,
I texted her that this morning with a little added on, but no response. Like you said, she is a wayward and I expect to be blasted in an e-mail later today. I took the boys over to the friends house I sat with at church for some hot dogs and conversation and they had some very interesting insight and info on WAW and their perception of her the last few years. I am more convinced than ever she needs to get some serious help before I can think of reconciliation; for both my sake and the boys'.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
Originally Posted by awokenhubby
How Do I handle this? I texted her after church and said I missed her in church and that I enjoyed myself at Burgerfest, but I would have enjoyed it more if she were with me. This is what I got back from her:
"You need to stop. I left church so not to see you. I can not handle the pain of seeing you sitting where I have sat forever with the friends I have worshipped with. I will not be returning to church any time soon. I though I was stronger, but you have broken me down and I can't go any lower."

Meh, she's proably more afraid of burning to a cinder when, as an aldulteress, she steps into church. I know gossip and stuff at church runs around churches rampantly, and the congregation would probably roast her with their eyes.
Originally Posted by awokenhubby
SR,
I texted her that this morning with a little added on, but no response. Like you said, she is a wayward and I expect to be blasted in an e-mail later today. I took the boys over to the friends house I sat with at church for some hot dogs and conversation and they had some very interesting insight and info on WAW and their perception of her the last few years. I am more convinced than ever she needs to get some serious help before I can think of reconciliation; for both my sake and the boys'.

I thought SR was depressed, bi-polar, or something. In reality, she was just doing exactly what waywards do. Now that we are reconciling our marriage, I know she does not have those problems. I'm glad I did not lean on her metality as an excuse because all waywards act crazy. After your wife gets out of the fog, then determine if she needs serious help (you should be doing MC after the affair anyhow). Right now she is doing exactly what waywards do, and that is being mental.

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Wheels,
She has been exhibiting signs of depression and self-esteem issues ever since we were married. It took me until recently to see how this effected our marriage. Talking to my counselor helped me see the problems this has caused. I am hoping he can convince her to go to IC; without it I fear we will never reconcile.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Tonight we go to the MC; I'm extremely anxious over what is going to transpire. However, I am also a little worried about my changing feelings. Is it normal to begin feeling that you don't want them back and you want to move on? As I heal and repair myself I am worried that if she comes back and doesn't change that she will drive me right back into depression and our marriage will suck. I don't ever want to go back to that "me" again. My 2 most important demands are NC her EA OM, and she must get IC to deal with her issues. I don't know if she will do either, or both; but they are both deal breakers. Right now it's only been 3 weeks since she left and she is still bitter and blaming me, maybe that's why I'm feeling this way. I just am having a hard time dealing with these mixed emotions. I also love her and want her to heal and come back and make a wonderful marriage. Is this waffling normal?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
I often wonder (still, 5 months later) if it was a good idea to recover the marriage, or if I should move on. I see lots of waffling here on the boards too. What I do is ignore those feelings, otherwise I might make them happen. I made a plan, a goal to recover my marriage to something better than it was to the best of my ability, and I'm sticking to my plan.

If those are your deal breakers does your WW know?

She is still wayward, even if she isn't in contact with the OM, I think she is. MC will not be that effective, she doesn't want it.

Perhaps setting up an IC time and letting her know that you care for her would be good. She might not go, she might view it as controlling, but maybe she will go. Its so unpredictable.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
I wouldn't call that waffling, it stands to reason you don't want more of the same, it has to be better or it won't survive and who would want it any other way?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Well counseling was interesting and I think good. He got her to open up to some issues she has; especially about my changes and not believing in them that they are real or permanent. He also explained that a lot of the problems she had with me/ that I exhibited were not my fault, but were the result of the depression and I couldn't stop them until I got out of the depression. If I stay out of depression, then those problems will be gone. He addressed some things to me, that I think were meant for her, but that was his way of bringing them out without her feeling attacked. I am going to see him for IC next Tues. and he asked about another joint session and WAW told him that she and I will discuss it; so it may be a possibility. That could be a step forward, it depends on if we actually discuss it and if she agrees to go.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
I also brought out with his encouragement that I do not want her back the way she is now because it will go back to being the same way and I don't want that. I did not say that she must get counseling herself, I hope she can figure that one out. No mention was made of her EA and that it must stop. His feeling is (IMO) that if I can make myself who I should be and who she wants, that it will die its own death. Discussing it is not part of the process, just like he told me to not talk about reconciliation or feelings. I explained to him that I already know that and am not bringing it up at all. I just didn't tell him the source was this wonderful site and the Harleys' books.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
So how long do I wait before I call her about another joint session. Should I give her a day to digest everything from yesterday and call her tomorrow?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
2 steps forward, one step back. So after I thought some progress was made in the counseling session, we go backwards again. After the session, I told her younger son was going to swim for the country club team she coaches. She goes "that's news, I wasn't planning on going". So I took him to the country club and stayed to watch the meet. She shows up so I leave the immediate pool area and go watch from the other side of the fence so as not to be in her space. After it is over she comes up to me and says she has some papers for me. I ask her if she had the address changed on the credit card and she blows up at me. I tell her I enjoyed watching her coach and be happy and laughing with her swimmers and that I missed that. She snaps and says "I'm always like this (lie) and you never wanted to come." I replied that with the depression I never wanted to do anything. She then tears into me that she can't leave the house because every where she goes people feel sorry for me because she left me and say poor hubby and that she's a [censored] for leaving me. Did I do anything wrong, or is this just wayward fog and vitriol?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
BTW, I assume asking about another MC session is pointles for a few days. I may wait until Mon. to ask her. I go for IC on Tues. and need to know so I can schedule it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
MC would be a waste of money unless it was with the Harleys. She is foggy and an addict and there is no point all you would be doing is making her more angry and more of your LB balance would drain away. Keep up with the IC, but forget about the MC right now. She isn't trying to recover so instead you have a DC not an MC.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Scotty,
I think you may be right. She came over to drop off a bill and started on me. One hour of talking later, with some real anger and spite and I realize just how deep she is. I think she is about to bottom out. Maybe from there she can come up, but I don't know. She still doesn't believe my depression existed/exists. She is angry over all of my changes and happiness now. She is giving up the church, she is giving up her swim team because I showed up and took away her joy. She is angry that I'm being everything she wanted for all these years. She can't see that I can be all of this for her and with her. She is still too hurt. I don't know if she can ever heal. I mentioned counseling and she said she doesn't have time. Without it she will never recover herself and we will never recover. I will not let her back unless she can heal and we can have something better, and that will not happen without IC for her.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Just keep on doing your Plan A. You are doing this for YOU. Remember that and have no expectations. You can do this. One day, this Plan A will end in a start to recovery(in 15%) or a Plan B. There will be an end though.

Have you read Limbo's thread? There is a lot of stuff on there about doing Plan A stuff while not living together. His was more of a long-distance Plan A but you could still get some good ideas. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
I've read parts, but I will go back and read in its entirety. Thanks for the recommendation.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
I really don't think that you took away her joy, put it in a box, and put it in the attic.

Have you ever heard of Viktor Frankl? He was a psychologist during WWII who was locked up in Auschwitz. He became famous because he learned about how humans can endure the most painful suffering by keeping in mind a good memory. He also figured that even though the concentration camp tried to make his physical domain unbearable, he could remain in a spiritual domain where he could find peace.

You can not make your wife quit coaching or whatever. That is her decision, she is the one that lets the outside environment dictate her behavior, and this is a sign of very weak integrity also.

Page 18 of 33 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 32 33

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5