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RTX #2406788 07/18/10 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by RTX
Still believe we have a husband here with a serious case of entitlement. I believes he loves his wife and family but also believes it is totally acceptable to live on the fringes in his secret life. Has a wonderful cake at home(wife and kids), but still likes a taste away from home. This man needs Anne to bring him home.

Yes, I agree that this is a case of entitlement. I also feel strongly that he loves his children but I am no longer convinced that he loves me. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to a confrontation. He will have the chance to turn his life around and save our marriage. That is a promise I have made to myself but it will be up to him to take it.

Things are quiet on the surface but there is much going on behind the scenes. I know he is trying to find a way to go on a golf weekend with his scumbag friends (although he has yet to tell me about it). He might have actually planned it for the same weekend that my cousin is getting married in August since he seemed really shocked (and not very happy) that I wanted to go. My mom is still undergoing chemo for stage 3 cancer and I don't think he could be any less supportive. He seems happy about the baby but he's told me so many lies that it's hard to know what to believe.

I am finding ways to cope with all of this. As bad as things are, there is still so much good in my life and so many reasons to feel blessed. I am enjoying the summer with my kids. I am really excited that I will be welcoming my little girl into the world this fall. I have always wanted a daugter and can not believe how lucky I am to be having her in a few months. Due to our hardships, my mom and I are growing closer and supporting each other in ways I never imagined we could. I continue to see a therapist which helps me to make sense of all of this. Most important, I have my plan in place which is to get myself set up financially so I will be prepared for the worst case scenario once I finally do confront. That will take time and I know it's not going to be easy, but it's what I feel I must do in order for me and my children to be okay no matter what the outcome of this ugly situation.

Overall, I think I will come out of this a better person with a happier life. That can be with him or without him - it's entirely up to him. Either way, I will be okay!

anne505 #2407079 07/19/10 11:20 AM
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Anne,

I have been following your story from the beginning and I think you are handling all this beautifully. I'm rooting for you and praying that things will turn out the best for you whatever that ends up being.

One question that I don't recall has been answered is, after you do finally confront him, are you planning a nuclear exposure? I think it would be the only way for you to avoid a false recovery (FR) if he claims to meet your terms.

-Tom


________________________
Me: BH age/53
WW age/51
M 31
D-Day EA 7/07
D-Day PA 11/27/09
D-Day #2 12/09/09
D-Day #3 12/19/09
D-Day #4 01/05/10
Exposed 01/06/10
NC since 01/06/10

ALS Diagnosis: 8/14/08
LouGehrig #2407377 07/19/10 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by LouGehrig
Anne,

I have been following your story from the beginning and I think you are handling all this beautifully. I'm rooting for you and praying that things will turn out the best for you whatever that ends up being.

One question that I don't recall has been answered is, after you do finally confront him, are you planning a nuclear exposure? I think it would be the only way for you to avoid a false recovery (FR) if he claims to meet your terms.

-Tom

Interesting...not sure if we've ever discussed this.

How are you today Anne?

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by LouGehrig
Anne,

I have been following your story from the beginning and I think you are handling all this beautifully. I'm rooting for you and praying that things will turn out the best for you whatever that ends up being.

One question that I don't recall has been answered is, after you do finally confront him, are you planning a nuclear exposure? I think it would be the only way for you to avoid a false recovery (FR) if he claims to meet your terms.

-Tom

Interesting...not sure if we've ever discussed this.

How are you today Anne?

Given the change in my gameplan, I haven't been thinking much about exposure. I do agree that this is the only way to avoid FR. So, when the time comes, I'm sure that nuclear exposure will be the way to go. Since that day has been put off for awhile so I'm focusing on more timely issues.

I'm doing well actually, better than I have been in awhile. I think having a solid plan in place is very helpful for me since I'm such a detail oriented person. I'm focusing on getting my finances in order so that I can be ready for the worst case scenario when the time comes. This is actually going to help me a great deal because it is giving me confidence as well as a sense of control. This will only help me when I choose to finally get things out in the open. It feels good to know that I will have choices and not have to follow his lead because I am financially dependent on him.

The one downside to my new plan is that it is going to take some time. I know it's not going to be easy and at times will feel impossible. But I do feel that I'm making real progress (both emotionally and within my situation) for the first time in a long time. I know I will end up in a better place (either in my marriage or on my own) and everything I'm doing right now is helping me to get to that place.

Thanks for asking about me. I always love to hear from you!

LouGehrig #2407578 07/20/10 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by LouGehrig
Anne,

I have been following your story from the beginning and I think you are handling all this beautifully. I'm rooting for you and praying that things will turn out the best for you whatever that ends up being.

One question that I don't recall has been answered is, after you do finally confront him, are you planning a nuclear exposure? I think it would be the only way for you to avoid a false recovery (FR) if he claims to meet your terms.

-Tom

Thanks for the kind words Tom. I know that my planning for worst case scenario (i.e., divorce) is not exactly what MB is all about. But I do think this is the right path for me and those on MB have helped me find my way. It does help to know that others are thinking of me and hoping for a good outcome.

I also think you're right about nuclear exposure. For me that day has been put off for quite awhile. But, when the time comes this will be the way to go.

Thanks again for giving me your input. It really helps to hear from men on the board. It's nice to know that there are still some good ones out there!

anne505 #2408109 07/21/10 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Thanks for the kind words Tom. I know that my planning for worst case scenario (i.e., divorce) is not exactly what MB is all about. But I do think this is the right path for me and those on MB have helped me find my way. It does help to know that others are thinking of me and hoping for a good outcome.

Hey Snoopy! laugh

You are doing just great!

You are right that this is a marriage building site and depending on how things shake out for you, you may just be recovering a marriage. The things you learn here can also equally help you with personal recovery. So, you should definitely keep coming here for support and help with any questions that you have.

I also agree that exposure will be called for when the time comes. Just make sure you don't tell him in advance that you are going to do it. Just do it.

Hang in there. We've got your back....

mindshare #2408133 07/21/10 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by mindshare
You are doing just great!

You are right that this is a marriage building site and depending on how things shake out for you, you may just be recovering a marriage. The things you learn here can also equally help you with personal recovery. So, you should definitely keep coming here for support and help with any questions that you have.

I also agree that exposure will be called for when the time comes. Just make sure you don't tell him in advance that you are going to do it. Just do it.

Hang in there. We've got your back....

Thanks so much!

I do hope to recover my marriage. I know it may not seem like it as I'm taking time to plan for worst case scenario but I really do want to work things out.

He invited OW (or ButterFace as we call her here) to lunch on Friday. I know this because of keylogger. So, I sent him an email asking if he could take an afternoon off to spend with me while the boys are in camp on Friday. So he's trying to change his lunch plans and wants to see her tomorrow isntead (lied to her and told her something came up with work). Tomorrow should be a good day for intel from the VAR.

I did know that this would be the hardest part of my plan. Sitting back and watching him do things like this and possibly destroy our marriage. I'm just so unsure of what he will do and how he will react that I don't dare confront him until I'm in the position to kick him to the curb if I need to. I can not be fincially dependent on this man, no matter what happens.

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anne505 #2408136 07/21/10 11:43 AM
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lol....I love how you are making it difficult for WH to juggle these two things at once. I found it invigorating making things uncomfortable for WW and OM. Throw in an obstacle or two and watch them dance around.

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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
lol....I love how you are making it difficult for WH to juggle these two things at once. I found it invigorating making things uncomfortable for WW and OM. Throw in an obstacle or two and watch them dance around.

YES, me too!!! It was almost amusing to watch him scramble after I sent that email. I also get the added benefit of making things difficult for him and Dirtbag to get together (the scummy friend who is such a problem in our M). He wants to take a golf weekend with his three Dirtbag Friends but I've been filling up our family calendar for July and August. I'll be in my 8th month as of September and he can KMA if he thinks he's going away for a weekend while I'm THAT pregnant (plus, I'm a high-risk pregnancy). I plan to make it as difficult as possible (while trying not to be too obvious about it) for him.

I haven't heard back from him because he's waiting to hear from her. Can't wait to see how he juggles all of this on no sleep once the baby comes...

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anne505 #2408160 07/21/10 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
lol....I love how you are making it difficult for WH to juggle these two things at once. I found it invigorating making things uncomfortable for WW and OM. Throw in an obstacle or two and watch them dance around.

YES, me too!!! It was almost amusing to watch him scramble after I sent that email. I also get the added benefit of making things difficult for him and Dirtbag to get together (the scummy friend who is such a problem in our M). He wants to take a golf weekend with his three Dirtbag Friends but I've been filling up our family calendar for July and August. I'll be in my 8th month as of September and he can KMA if he thinks he's going away for a weekend while I'm THAT pregnant (plus, I'm a high-risk pregnancy). I plan to make it as difficult as possible (while trying not to be too obvious about it) for him.

I haven't heard back from him because he's waiting to hear from her. Can't wait to see how he juggles all of this on no sleep once the baby comes...

This made me giggle....I did similar things while I had keylogger in place (but WH didn't know it ). I would post things on my FB....pics of the garden WH made for ME (told HER he made it for ds)...I gushed on and on about my wonderful husband making me a beautiful garden.

You may as well laugh...

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Anne, I to have been following along. I was wondering if you might do better confronting him in your lawyers conference room.
Have your evidence clear and show him just how fully serious you are. Have people in the background going nuclear on him while at the lawyer's office. Do you plan to show him Butter's ultrasound? It makes me want to smack him for you.

Your in my prayers

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I did similar things while I had keylogger in place (but WH didn't know it ). I would post things on my FB....pics of the garden WH made for ME (told HER he made it for ds)...I gushed on and on about my wonderful husband making me a beautiful garden.

You may as well laugh...

Did you find that it helped you to cope with the situation? It seems to help me. Probably because it gives me a sense of power and control. It feels better to DO something than just sit back and watch it happen.

I also post pics and updates on Facebook and they are usually about our happy family. I am constantly posting pictures and tagging him in them to make sure that they are seen by all of his friends (including ButterFace). I figure he's already thrown us in her face but taking us over to meet her so why not? In fact, I think I'll upload some happy family pictures right now. Would love for ButterFace to see them before having lunch tomorrow.

On a sidenote, I've started to compile a list of women that Dirtbag has had in appropriate contact with to give to his wife when the time comes. It's quite a list and I know there are more that I don't know about. He even writes love letters to a girl in the Ukraine.

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Originally Posted by RegardingLuv
Anne, I to have been following along. I was wondering if you might do better confronting him in your lawyers conference room.
Have your evidence clear and show him just how fully serious you are. Have people in the background going nuclear on him while at the lawyer's office. Do you plan to show him Butter's ultrasound? It makes me want to smack him for you.

Your in my prayers

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate them.

Confrontation has been put off for awhile so that I can get my finances in order and be able to walk if I find it necessary to do so. Because of this, I don't think about as much as I used to. I'm choosing to focus on getting my affairs in order and once I have done this, I will plan the confrontation. It's going to take some time for me to get set up so this won't happen for awhile.

As for the ultrasound, ButterFace is not pregnant but I am. He planned to scan the ultrasound pictures of our daughter and then block out my name and type BF's in that spot and show them to Dirtbag and make Dirtbag think that BF was pregnant with his baby. He thought that this would be a really funny joke. This is one of the main reasons I am choosing to prepare myself for worst case scenario (possible D). If he is capable of doing something as sick as this and think it's funny, then what else is he capable of?

anne505 #2408241 07/21/10 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Did you find that it helped you to cope with the situation? It seems to help me. Probably because it gives me a sense of power and control. It feels better to DO something than just sit back and watch it happen.

Yes it did help me cope with it...also, I was seeing that WH was telling OW that our marriage was all but over, that I was sleeping in the guest room, he never had sex with me...that kind of stuff. So I wanted her to see what a liar he was. One Sunday before I confronted he went to services with ds and me (it was rare and it was in direct relation to his guilt over his affair and I took advantage of it). I then posted pics of my ds and WH and went on and on about my two handsome men. (reality was I nearly threw up everytime I looked at WH's face). I'd also post comments like, 'oh I'm tired! Off to snuggle up with my dh!'

It was fun. LOL...and yeah..a little twisted...but it did help me cope.

Then after D-day, he still didn't know I had the keylogger...and of course he was pretending to scramble to save his marriage, but he was really continuing on with her (which is why I fear your WH will put on a similar show) One night I was on FB and ....I changed my status to being 'married' to my WH and I think it popped up a little heart symbol and said we were in love. He was on FB too and had to 'accept' my request that we were indeed married...she flipped totally out...the next day on the keylogger I read her saying, 'I will never forgive you if you stay with her.' She even called in sick because she was so upset..but she managed to take her ds to daycare...so she could go tan and go for a run and watch a movie--her 'stress relievers' she said.

It was comical to me....but....I was done. I knew I was going straight to Plan D...YMMV.


smile

Originally Posted by anne505
I also post pics and updates on Facebook and they are usually about our happy family. I am constantly posting pictures and tagging him in them to make sure that they are seen by all of his friends (including ButterFace). I figure he's already thrown us in her face but taking us over to meet her so why not? In fact, I think I'll upload some happy family pictures right now. Would love for ButterFace to see them before having lunch tomorrow.

On a sidenote, I've started to compile a list of women that Dirtbag has had in appropriate contact with to give to his wife when the time comes. It's quite a list and I know there are more that I don't know about. He even writes love letters to a girl in the Ukraine.

That bolded part above....that BLOWS my mind. I can't believe he did that. It seems so calculating to me...an effort to make sure you aren't jealous of her or suspicious of her if her name ever comes us.

DB---do you think his wife will believe the evidence?

What a couple of sick men.....btw, I did watch the Criminal Minds episode that SchoolBus recommended---very scary.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
It was fun. LOL...and yeah..a little twisted...but it did help me cope.

I know EXACTLY what you mean! My therapist is always talking to me about finding ways to cope and this one does help. Not all the time but some of the time and that's something. Nothing I'm doing is nearly as twisted as what he does so I don't feel too badly about it!

Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I can't believe he did that. It seems so calculating to me...an effort to make sure you aren't jealous of her or suspicious of her if her name ever comes us.

Yes, I'm sure this is exactly what he was thinking when he took us to meet her. He did tell me he is having lunch with her tomorrow (got to get that business, you know). It looks like they are planning to meet at the restaurant but we'll see. I'm free tomorrow but will have the kids with me. I'm going to drive by her place after they should be done with lunch to check for his car. Lucky for me, she lives in an area in which I sometimes run errands so it won't look weird to the boys for us to be over there.

Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
DB---do you think his wife will believe the evidence?

What a couple of sick men.....btw, I did watch the Criminal Minds episode that SchoolBus recommended---very scary.


As for DB, I do not think that his wife will believe me. This is one of the main reasons why I haven't already let her know what's going on. I would hate it if I jeopardized my own situation for her only to have her let him lie his way out of this once again. She came very close to catching him once, confronted him and he lied his way out of it. He even ended up making her feel guilty for not trusting him. If she really wanted to know what was going on, it would be easy to find out. Just look at how much dirt I have on him and I haven't even tried that hard - this is just what I know from snooping on my own WH.

As for the Criminal Minds episode, I can't bring myself to watch it. Not yet anyway. Maybe once I'm closer to the end but not right now when I have such a long path ahead of me. It's very important that I stay focused on my goal and part of that means not letting my emotions drive.

Check your email...I finally got around to sending you a message!

Last edited by anne505; 07/21/10 03:53 PM.
anne505 #2410516 07/27/10 09:00 AM
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How about an update? Did the VAR capture anything from lunch with BF?

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Sorry, not much to update but I do appreciate you asking. It doesn't seem like anything happened with BF on lunch unless something happened in the restaurant (which is possible, I realize) but I have no way of knowing. He did call Dirtbag with the news that he got hit on by someone at the library when he was working there and made a point not to mention that he was married. I guess he wants to keep his options open. He took us out of town over the weekend so it's been pretty quiet. I do know he wants to go on a weekend trip with his scumbag friends at the end of August. Not going to happen if I have any say in it.

I almost forgot to mention that I hacked into yet another email account that Dirtbag uses to communicate with the women he's trying to sleep with. Just keeping track of all his activity keeps me busy.

Also, WH knows I check his phone and deleted all received and sent texts. I think he's going to be a bit more careful now. Maybe that will force him to talk more in his car which would be better for me anyway. The IT guy is supposed to take a look at his laptop so my keylogger might get erased. I wasn't getting much from it anyway (well, at least not much on WH).

Sorry for the random thoughts. Like I said, not much going on right now but that makes me nervous, like the calm before the storm.

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anne505 #2410935 07/28/10 11:30 AM
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hi anne505,
nice to hear you are having some fun with all this crap you are forced to deal with......I wish I could be a fly on the wall when the confrontation actually happens, we all will be rooting for you and we hope you blindside him and he has a huge awakening on what kind of person he really is.........
You are a very strong woman and I truly hope you get what you want in the end......keep building your case, set yourself up financially and life in the end will be good for you, your mind will be at rest.


BW 56
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DS 23, DS 25
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Thanks Jessitaylor. Just trying to work this all to my advantage. You're right, life in the end will be good for me and for my kids. That's the thought that keeps me going.

It's ironic that I actually know some things about DB that WH doesn't!

I did just think of something. WH will be 40 this fall. Since the baby is due this fall as well, he will be on the hook for child support for 19 years or until he's 59! I wonder how that thought will sit with him?

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My guess is now he will be looking at freedom what 85 now......serves him right....they never think they will get caught or have to pay a price for their selfishness and I'm sure he thinks he is smarter and that you couldn't possibly suspect anything because he has been very good with the lying part and the covering up part......he deserves what he is about to live through for the rest of his life, he will be embarrassed to no end. He will lose his life, his security, his children all for a lie........I guess you will see how many jokes he tells when it's all out in the open and he is paying through his teeth for the rest of his life.......start doing some things for yourself and your kids so when the whole thing comes down that you will have some things to fall back on......new friends, new activities, volunteer work.........what ever works for you......
if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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