Tom her H would have to be OK with it of course first and be involved. This is not about pride and they don't have enough money to eat it sounds like.

As far as I am hearing, H is stressed out of his mind right now and needs anger management intervention. If he can accept help from her sons Dad maybe it will help him open up to other counseling that he needs.

I can only believe that Writers H is very concerned with the safety of the OC and that this is stressing him very much. I can't imagine what it will do to the family if the young man gets convicted.

How would you feel if your acting father left any stone unturned in this case?

For all we know the OM has learned something about life in the last 18 years and is able to be discreet and help support a life he brought into the world.

Writer, really, what are the chances the OM has grown up enough to handle this? Is there a chance he has the money? How much do you know? You really shouldn't know anything as it applies to recovery for your marriage.

How about your husband? Is he on board with this?

Give this seriuos thought, you don't want to jump from the frying pan to the fire.

Hi again writer,

Well is totally up to you, and your family. I would seriously question him, and look at the alternatives I suggested (and of course I have no legal background).

Right now I am going to watch a Chicago Cubs game on tv, and damn i hope they lose...*s*. I am from wis. and my W 'forced' me down here, and I am glad for that due to the good jobs, but am still a Brewers and Packer fan.

Anyway, that was meant as lite humor. So, I feel what you need to do tonight is try to get a smile on your face no matter what you and you son are facing, and show that to your H. Watch an old tv show with that silly Ted Baxter, or whatever makes you smile.

And yes, as a human being, you Are going to have my prayers tonight. So, relax and smile, but then get with it.

Tom

Nope, I assumed it was his son. That makes it completly different and in no way would I ask him for a dime to help her family unless it was just support for the daughter.

I was going from this statement writer made, I'm sorry writer


But the rest of my statements about getting the lie detector test and finding out more about this lawyer debaucle I still stand on. Unless a lawyer has better advice to help her fight

Thanks for stting that straight SugarC,

I remember her mentioning the Boys real Dad and contacting him before, and his houdini act. I thought this was more of the same man and another opportunity for him to help that hadn't been explored.

And Tom, My apoligys to you too

Have you gone to places like Catholic Charities or the United Way? What about calling 211? Or even a women's shelter? These sorts of places should have resources to you help you, if nothing else, with your day-to-day budget. Perhaps that might help your budget..

Our financial troubles started after our OC was born, when I lost my job. I was a substitute teacher, and I had no family who could watch the baby and couldn't find a daycare that would only charge me for the days that I worked, which were not regular at all. So, while my son's legal issues are the cause of our immediate problems, our long term problems are definitely tied to the birth of our OC. We have been looking at the possibility of having to file for bankruptcy (almost a certainty now) for some time. That was my reasoning behind seeking money from the OM. A baby is extremely expensive, and my H and I have shouldered 100% of the brunt of that, while the OM has paid for absolutely nothing.

We are still trying to get money from my 18 year old son's bio dad as well, but as someone mentioned, he isn't living in the U.S. I have tried his many contact numbers, but he isn't returning our calls. I actually do have a child support order against him. I've had one for about 17 years, but he hasn't paid a single dime of it. The court "closed" our case a number of years ago because they couldn't find my son's dad to enforce it (he disappeared for 15 years). He owes about $50,000 in back child support, but there's a better chance of a cow jumping over than moon that ever seeing any of that money. He is an expert escape artist. I don't know his address. Most of his phone numbers don't work. He doesn't respond to emails. I can't very well go to Mexico and track him down (though I've considered it).

And Tom, thank you. I appreciate all the prayers and positive thoughts I can get. I think I'll watch the Bachelorette. Nothing like a bit of cheesy, melodrama to take away the tension.

Didn't you find out that they had convictions of drug abuse? Did your lawyer mention getting that in front of the judge somehow?

Maybe the law doesn't allow you to use that stuff in court but because its your sons word against hers it sure would be nice to show thier true colors.

I am worried now about your lawyer you hired. I was very hopeful when you posted that you got rid of the PD and got this guy that you would get good representation. Now I feel this has brought you back to a place of doubt and gloom. I know how worried you allready are and stressed the whole family is so I hope there is good news tommorow from the lawyer when he appears.

Is there a way I wonder for you to get the date delayed, get your money back, and find another lawyer if he doesn't satisfy you with what he has planned? Can you use his non-appearance as a reason for this? You mentioned that you didn't trust anybody before when you didn't have anything but a PD, I can't imagine how you feel now. You need a break writer, you should at least have confidence that the $5000 you spent was for the best defense for your son, and that is being tested too.

Its like you are in the wilderness with all this testing your faith. I heard this said once in a movie but it applies in every situation where we feel lost also.


" What do people die of when they are lost in the wilderness? They die of shame. They waste thier time blaming themselves, I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that. They do the opposite of what will save them, and that is thinking of how to get home"

I want to encourage you that you have nothing to be ashamed of and have all the right to fight this attack on your family with any means possible, whithin truth and integrity, or else what are you winning? Bad things happen to good people and this crazy girl is going to reap what she has sown one way or another. Do not despair, take heart and leave no stone unturned to make the law work for you. Bring her to justice and protect your son and family any way you can boldly before the throne of grace.

If you can't get another lawyer and no other legal counsel speaks here take action that will make this lawyer you have tow the line. Make your issue with the integrity of his performance now because that is what is being attacked with your son. That $5000 was a symbol and a sign of respect you sacrificed for this guy. You deserve to get the same respect.

I know I posted a lot on this thread tonight but it really bothers me when this stuff happens to struggling people like you and your family. I will lay off and pray for the best for you and yours. May God work miracles for you tommoroww.

Her parents have no drug convictions, but her father has admitted to being a cocaine dealer back when he was driving truck. Apparently, he was a very good one, because he never got caught.

I'm not making any decisions until I talk to the lawyer tomorrow. I can't think right now.

OK, well it's "tomorrow" now, so first thing in the morning, get on the phone with your attorney's office. Go down there and camp in the lobby if you have to.
Also, you need to dig deep here--you will need to start selling everything off and your family will need to help. Everyone in your circle should be asked to chip in. If it was a cousin of mine that I hadn't seen in years, but she called me with your situation, I'd chip in at least a few hundred bucks, even though I can't afford it.
If the option is your son in prison or the OM chipping in a few grand, I'd consider having an intermediary talke to the OM. He's gotten off scott-free in this situation. But only ask him if you think he's in a financially secure situation. No need to go to him if his bank account is dry.
Ask your H to ask his worthless mother to help, too. You have to swallow your pride and do what you can. At 18, your son might not be sent to juvenile prison, so you need to do what you can. Your entire family should sit down and everyone, especially DS18 needs to say what they can do as a family to get this ironed out.
And I still think you need to cough up the $$ for a lie-detector. It's small change compared to what this is costing you in the long run.

writer,

The fact is that you could still ask the court for a public defender, given your financial situation. Your son has a right to one.


Your OM has no responsibility to pay the court costs...

You would have to go to court and get an order for OM to make payments to support OC, which certainly would help in your struggle. If it is already in place, then you need to get those payments done via the system so OM has no way to escape paying, and you can ask for that to happen. It takes awhile for his check to be garnished for support - but the state will take money from his check to support OC. Get the ball rolling on it, and don't delay.

You do NOT have to contact OM to do this. Let your atty handle that stuff - you do not need to break NC to do it, and you never have to speak to OM to get money to support OC. Just doesn't need to happen. It is a legal matter, and therefore attorneys handle it all. No contact for life means just that. YOU do not call OM, write letters, nada. Support for OC goes thru attorneys, and that is that.


Good luck with your son's situation. If this is a high school drama, which it appears to be, I hope the DA figures it out and realizes the girl is being a vindictive little witch and that nobody's life needs to hinge on her temporary anger.


SB

Ditto

There are three problems with going this route. 1st -- they need the money now to help DS with HIS legal problems. It takes time to go to court, establish paternity, get a child support order in place, and then wait for the payments to start happening.

2nd -- if they go this route, OM will probably assert his rights as the father and insist on visitation. Even worse, if he figures out what is going on in Writer's family, he may claim that Writer isn't capable to be the managing possessory of this child and try to go for full custody himself and then end up getting a CS award against Writer. It's a gamble.

3rd -- If any kind of visitation were awarded, there would be contact, if only in the logistics of trading off the baby for visitation.

I still think this is a very BAD idea. It will end with broken contact, make Writer's H feel like crap knowing that OM is back in the picture in any way.

I say hold the attorney's feet to the fire. Writer, I also think you should get a private polygraph if there is any way possible. You don't need to show the results to anyone if they are not favorable. However, if they are, I would show them to your attorney, mail a copy to the DA, post them everywhere, shout it from the rooftops.

What did the attorney say today?

I'm coming in late and playing catchup, let me see if I understand.

1. You have a 17yr old son who is in legal trouble.

2. You are thinking of asking HIS genetic father for monetary help in his situation.

3. This 17yr old was not a product of adultery against your husband. He either pre dates your current marriage, or is a COM.

Is this correct?

Because I swear, If your thinking about breaking contact with your adultery partner (Your youngest child's genetic father) to help pay for something that is not even about OC........

I'm going to reach through this monitor and thump you in the nose!!

Go ahead, Gack, make my day.

As I've stated before, our financial issues go far beyond the scope of our current legal problems. The issues started 2 years ago, when the OC was born and I lost my job. Yes, I need money for our current legal issues, but I also need money for our house payment (which OC lives in) and our credit card bills (which we ran up buying the amazing amount of stuff a baby requires and which I no longer had, since my oldest was 14 when she was born). Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to feed everyone until my H gets paid on Thursday. We haven't been grocery shopping in 2 weeks. The pickings are getting sparse.

My son turned 18 in May. He predates my current marriage. I am also trying to get the money from his bio dad, but he's a slippery fish who tends to disappear for decades at a time when the going gets rough. He has apparently pulled another Houdini, because all of the phone numbers I have for him have mysteriously stopped working.

Did you reach your attorney yet today?

Ditto IMA

We've left messages. He's generally in court in the morning and doesn't return calls until late afternoon. I'm hoping to hear something soon.

That is exactly what's she's thinking about doing Gack. The $$ is to pay the legal fees for her older son, who is not OC.

Initially yes, but now I'm looking beyond our immediate problems. This isn't going to end after this court case is over. We were struggling and falling behind on our bills long before my son ever got arrested. Once this is over, we still face foreclosure on our home, bankruptcy, no credit, and a crappy job market that makes it pretty darn difficult to secure gainful employment. Those are the same things we were facing prior to my son's arrest. This situation just sped up the process a little. It didn't create the problem.