Good advice Tom, I remember when we lived off the food bank and those horrid twinkies.
Luri that was an awesome post, love that attitude.

Writer my daughter was 16 when my wife stared to fall apart, There has not been one day since then that every one of my kids have not given thier last penny in support of the family. Since my wifes passing I have been able to let them off the hook, as it should be, but L would never deny them the chance to help, and they would never think twice about it. They grew up poor and never knew it. Family is everything and they know/knew it.

The OC,(the babys), father might be a good choice for support for your household but its the timing and situational curcumstances that we are all, (at least me), concerned with. It looks so bad because you are willing to seek him out regaurding your 17 year old, but before you were proud and willing to tough it out in the name of integrity and love for the little girl. It seems/looks like you are selling this out in desparation, we all are afraid of what this will do to your family, and I see it as desparation. Which I understand why you are. I would appeal to whatever conviction the kids have, and give them the chance to support the family any way they can.

If you are seeking child support for the little girl, and you can get OM on board with his wife and estabish a situtation where he would not seek visitation or contact in any way with your family,(long deal with lawyers involved), then I don't see a problem morally or MB policywise. Any attempt to get a fast cash result to help you with your son in trouble may make sense to you as far as your budget and money problems, (past and present), but it just can't be justified to be done immediatly like you have been expressing.

If the intentions were expressed to OM or lawyers, it would be just seen as you are bad parents and it could result in the loss of your little girl, especially if OMs new wife , family, or lawyers are of a mindset to try to take her.

Do you see what I am saying?

If you want support for little girl, I would find some good legal advice, and be sure to cover your backside.

So what is the lawyers excuse? Why was he not there? What are his plans?.

I pray retread can get you some help with publishing. But I would shovel cowdung if i had to to fight this little wench and her halfaZZ coke dealing parentege. I would be proud to shovel it and thank God for the opportunity to. There are no small jobs, just small people.

Hang in there writer, and tell your H we are all pulling for you guys.

Prayers going out, can't wait to hear what this lawyer says, hope my blood pressure holds out.

Some idiot Kid killed/shot a mockingbird at my daughters house. His stepfather came over and told them when they came home, all bragging and excited. "you don't have to worry about that bird anymore"

Geez he is lucky i wasn't there. Remember that line from the movie? "Its a sin to kill a mockingbird, they never hurt anybody"

Are we going backwards?


BTW Loved the spirit in this post Luri

Don't worry...Boo Radley will come after them

I am tired and exasperated, but I will try to give at least a little update on the meeting with the lawyer.

He wants to avoid going to trial if possible. He said our chances don't look good if we go to trial because of the email evidence that the girl has. Now, the emails have not been verified, and our lawyer doesn't want them to be. If they could somehow be traced to my son, we would have no hope of avoiding prison. Basically, in a plea bargain, we're probably looking at probation, community service, and perhaps a short (30-60 day) stay in juvenile hall or county jail. Anything more than that, he doesn't recommend accepting. If we go to trial and lose (basically, if the judge takes the girl's word over our son's, which often happens) he would be looking at 2 years in prison, 4 years probation, and having to register as a sex offender. A plea bargain would prevent anything from going on his permanent record (since it is a juvenile case, it will be sealed, and technically doesn't count as a conviction - not sure if I got that right, but something along those lines). I'm sure I'm messing everything up, but my brain is fried. We should know in a few days if the DA is willing to bargain.

Any thoughts on going to trial vs. plea bargain? Our lawyer is strongly recommending we do not go to trial if at all possible. He isn't optimistic about our chances in a trial.

Any chance that you can get another opinion or two from a lawyer?

Honestly, I'd probably do a plea bargain.

I don't think that you are off base about his life being severely harmed with being labeled a sex offender. In our city, there was a story once done about men who were legal and had consentual sex with minor girls. Not one of the men profiled was able to get a chance in life. Meaning, they were in half way houses working minimum wage jobs when given the chance to work.

I was reading on Megan's law (I was curious, and my husband is a recovering sa. So, I like to know a bit about what happens to sex offenders, since this could very well touch my life). It seems as if your son goes to trial is convicted and is labeled a sex offender, he could apply for a rehab certificate 7-10 years after probation has been complete. If he gets the rehab certificate, it looks like then he would no longer be labeled a sex offender. Best case, your son could try to put his life together when he got to his 30's.

I guess I'd also take into consideration what your son's goals are..Does he want to go to college? 4 year? 2 year? Does he want to be a professional electrician or painter? If your son is looking at a trade, he doesn't need a college degree, and might be able to find people who are more willing to give him a chance. Then, maybe I'd roll the die and take it to trial.

Does your son think he might want to get married and have kids? That's something that would sway me one way or the other. I'm supposing not too many parents would set up play dates with a child whose dad is a registered sex offender, no matter the reasons why the dad was given that label.

Writer - have you checked into a mortgage modification due to your severe loss of income?

Have you talked with your bishop and asked for help?

If you are desperate enough to break NC with OM, you need to get yourself back to church and humbling yourself enough to seek help!

I probably could get a second opinion, but a free consultation would not involve an attorney that would be able to look at all of the evidence and everything that is going on in the case. If I wanted another attorney to take that thorough of a look at the case, I would almost certainly have to pay him. I just can't afford to pay another attorney.

Kayla: We have gone to the Bishop's Storehouse in the past. We could do that again, and it would help some with food. The church doesn't help with mortgage payments, so there's not much that can be done as far as the house is concerned. We have looked into mortgage modification, a number of months ago in fact, but the process is so painfully slow and nothing much has happened with is so far. They just aren't easy to get.

If you're going to be foreclosed on anyway you might as well start the process of modification. It only took 45 days for me to get a modification qualifying period started - 3 months, paying on time, lower payment, obtain the final documents about three weeks later, sign and fedex back, and another three months of paying the qualifying payment while fielding foreclosure notices before you get an updated mortgage contract.

You might as well take action instead of being paralyzed by the current situation. A month from now will come regardless of whether or not you have an application in process.

Get it going!

Writer - is there a Ward Employment specialist in your ward? Perhaps you can look and see if there is and see if they have options as far as finding work. If not for you, then for your boys.

I'm sorry things are going so rough. I'm prayin' for you, hon.

Writer-I'd say the plea bargain looks pretty good at this point. Also, I think you NEED to put your DS16 and DS18 to work right away. EVERYONE needs to chip in. Your DS18 can help you or your husband mow lawns, or he can babysit (especially after the plea bargain allows him home alone) so that you can work. It seems like with the exception of your DD, you've got some free-loaders around the house. And their IDLENESS is what's getting them into trouble.
They need to step up and be a part of the solution, not just a part of the problem.

It's hard to tell somebody they're taking the easy way out, especially when life is so hard on them. But writer - that's what you're doing.

You've got to find your "can do" spirit instead of finding another way you "can't do".

You've got to. Now. Life's going to go on way too long for you do make things worse by bringing OM into your little girl's life, no matter what the reason is.

There is work that can be done from home. My mother works for 1-800 flowers and several different call centers from home. If you're stuck home with your son and baby, let him watch the baby and see if you can do some from home work.

There's also transcription and other from home work options.

I used to do the call center stuff from home. It's not much, but it's a paycheck - if you speak spanish it's even better.

Seriously, if you want some information my email address is in my profile, just email me and I'll see if I can give you some leads.

Where, doing what?

Is your husband off on the weekends?

Children have a lot of energy. They can use that energy to get into trouble, to accidently hang around toxic friends, to be influenced by bad stuff, to get into drugs, or to become criminals.

On the other hand, if properly directed, that energy they have can be focused and targeted in order for the child to become productive, to study, to work and to have normal decent friendships.

I can see these kids had way too much time on thier hands. Perhaps you were busy with the baby and saving your marriage to direct these kids into jobs, school, etc.

But now is the time, before your whole family is trashed, to salvage these two kids, the one who had sex with a 16 year old, and the other one into pot and drugs....

YOU CAN SALVAGE THE REST OF THIER LIVES BY DIRECTING THEM INTO WORK AND OTHER THINGS TO HELP OUT THE FAMILY AND THEMSELVES.

If you are not willing to redirect the energies of your children, thier lives will be ruined.

Just wanted to pop in and say you are in my thoughts.

Bookstores, and various jobs in the field of education. Those are the areas where I have the most experience. I worked retail for 5 years and in education for 7. Retail just doesn't pay much and education is doing very crappy in CA with all of the massive budget cuts and teacher layoffs.

www.agentquery.com

Get moving, Ms. Fifty Drafts.

What in the heck are you waiting for???

Bubbles, my 18 year old is a good kid. Yes, he made a mistake by deciding to become sexually active. But he wasn't just sitting around with a lot of time on his hands. He was going to school at the time and doing well. He was actively involved in various activities with church. He wasn't working, but that's because it was his senior year in high school and he so much else going on. He wants to get a job now, but he cannot until we settle this court case. Ultimately, he wants to go to culinary school and become a pastry chef. He's already looked at a number of programs in our area, but there's not much he can do until we find out if he's going to jail or not. Other than this one incident, he has literally never had a single discipline or behavior problem in his life. He has always been my most easy-going, cooperative, hard-working kid.

As for the 16 year old, he has had bad behavioral problems since the age of 2, so I don't think it's just a case of having too much time on his hands. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, though I strongly suspect there is more going on than just that. He's been on several different medications over the years, but none really seem to help. Really, he is the only one of my 5 kids to have long term behavioral issues. Currently, he is involved in a youth program where he has to do community service, sit on a "jury" for youth cases, take a "Scared Straight" type of tour of a local jail, and attend drug rehab classes. He is also actively trying to get into a military program where he would have the opportunity to make up some of the school credits he is behind on.

Please don't think that I am not actively involved in helping all of my children. Yes, the baby keeps me busy, but I do not neglect the needs of my other kids.

I've heard of this site. Thanks for the link.

I'm a perfectionist. I really don't want to send it out until it's ready. It's hard to sell a first novel right now. As with everything else, the publishing industry has suffered due to the recession. Hopefully, things will start to pick up soon.

Luri: Thanks. I appreciate it. Still waiting.

On a positive note, I went to the doctor today and discovered that I actually weigh 6 lbs. less than I thought I did. Apparently, my home scale isn't calibrated correctly. It looks like I am now back to my pre-baby weight. I probably have been for awhile and I just didn't know it. I think I should treat myself to a nice hot fudge sundae to celebrate.