1. If the cell phone is off, turn it on and make sure it's not set to "vibrate".
2. Get its number.
3. When your WXW is up, call it from your home line (I'm betting her reaction should be priceless)
4. Ask your WXW to leave immediately. In fact, have her bags packed and waiting. At the door.

Its not a secret phone...just her regular phone. Hidden for some reason. I checked call history and texts while she was asleep and she must have deleted anything she didnt want me to see. Regardless it is unacceptable.

It would be unacceptable if she was still married to you. She's not.

Right now she's a roomate you wish to have a relationship with. In many respects, you have no right to go through her phone.

You're divorced legally but not in your head or your heart.

The second you accept it, start acting like it, and following it, will be a massive relief for you.

It will also mark a turning point in your relationship. She knows she has you right now. The second you start showing independence and indifference towards her will be the second her attitude changes. Mark my words on this.

And if she doesn't, then all the better. But I lived what you're living with someone I dated. I kicked her out when it finally became clear I was being used. I gave her the ultimatum first, thinking she would tell me to go to he77 and leave, but she instead apologized.

After she asked for money, I kicked her out.

You're being used. Otherwise why is she there?

Well, she is at it again...

She found out I was dating someone and now claims that she has changed, please give her a chance so that we can save our family, she is truly sorry, etc etc. But of course she wants me to stop seeing this girl. I told her I have no intention of doing that, but that I hope for her own sake and our kids sake that she has changed. It will make her a better person. I have explained that she destroyed what we had and that I am disgusted by her.

She claims I am not thinking clearly because I have gotten involved with someone else who is serving as a distraction. I have explained to her that we are divorced and that I am simply moving on with my life. Her opinions do not matter anymore.

My thought is that if she really has changed I will know it. All I see right now is a crazy ex wife trying to manipulate me because she is jealous and upset about the thought of being replaced. I guess this is probably pretty typical of a wayward ex, right? So I am holding my ground and not letting her get her way...

What is the living situation? Is she still in the house?

The answer to this is silence. You are now divorced and do not have to explain yourself to her in any way.

It took me a long time to get to that point. Don't explain anything. Don't answer her.

Forget this toxic woman and focus on your new life.

You are likely not ready to date again. When you're at a point where you really don't care about her reaction, then you're ready to date. Right now it doesn't sound like you are.

Who cares what she thinks? You're divorced. Enjoy life.

She is out of the house...she was back in for about a week in May. A last ditch effort to "work on things" I was skeptical and told her to leave once it was clear that she had no intention of recovery.

She is causing a lot of drama in my life. Stopping by the house with the kids when she knows I have someone over. Threatening to make my life miserable if I move forward with this other woman. Says she can't stand the thought of someone else in her house... I am very happy as long as I don't have to deal with her drama. I just don't get the behavior...

You have no obligation to her, might as well go dark on her, not your kids of course. Delete her from facebook, change your phone, treat her like a stalker, get rid of everything that she could use to make contact. You have kids to take care of and needs that must be fulfilled by a loving and caring wife. Besides that you have to learn how to build a good marriage, there is nothing the ex has to offer you.

I know you are just dating, but it never hurts to find someone who can meet your needs, and practice those principles to build a good marriage.

She had her chance. She did not repent.

If you did get together she would drop you again. No lady likes to get dumped. This is hurting her self image.

Make a legal case against her for trespassing. Deal with the kids via an intermediary. What woman will accept an ex hanging in the background?

You need to get a court order against her coming over unannounced with your kids. She will keep you from moving on only if you let her. If she shows up at your place unannounced, then you need to call the police and file papers to give you sole legal custody if her behavior doesn�t change.

My ex swears she is serious about changing, sorry for the pain she caused me and wants to make it better. She is persistent. I find myself considering the idea of at least stepping back from the dating scene to give her a chance to show me that she has changed.

Maybe I am being foolish, but ideally, there is nothing I would rather have than our family back together and a good relationship with her...one where we are aware and committed to meeting each others needs. She swears to me that she realizes what a mistake she made and how stupid it was of her to walk out on me.

Ed, why don't you ante up the cost of a few counseling sessions and counsel with Steve Harley? Let him discern her sincerity and if she is sincere, he will put together a plan for recovery. I know it is expensive, but it might the best thing in your situation. If you do this, I would counsel with Steve.

She never imagined you would actually move on. What is she willing to do to prove that she�s changed? If she is truly willing, then she will agree to do counseling and tons of other stuff to earn you back.

BUT, my gut tells me this is nothing more than pride. She can�t stand that you are dating again, wants to get you back to show she still has �it� and will simply revert to old patterns once she has you hooked.

She says she is willing to do counseling to work on herself and our relationship. She actually has been seeing a counseling and claims it has helped a lot. She is also willing to give up cell phone records, e-mail passwords, slow down on her school, focus more on the kids and me, etc etc. So far saying the right things...I just need to see sustained action to see if it is for real.

My fear is that she will put on an act just to get me back. She claims that she is sincere and would never risk losing me again. She realizes how stupid her actions were.

Put the onus on her. Give her the number for the coaching center. Tell her to call you when she's talked to a coach and let you know what her plan is.

Ignore her words. Look at her ACTIONS.

You need to not waste your time with a traditional counselor. Go to someone who has an operating BULLCRAP detector who can hold her feet to the fire. And HE WILL hold her feet to the fire.

Please stop messing around here. Go to Steve Harley and let him test her sincerity and work her over. If she is not for real he will tell you to dump her.

Why don't you ALSO make it a condition that she come here and post to us? LET US test her sincerity.

Before you do that, ask the moderators to hide your thread. Let us see how real she is.

Would Steve really tell you at some point that your M and WS are not worth a recovery and therefore you better divorce?

blessing

yes, he does! Keep in mind, though, that Ed is already divorced.

oh yes, that is right, he is divorced.
So Steve would actually say to the couple: you guys will never make it because your WS is not going to change and has no intention of being serious about R...
and he would say this also to a couple who is not yet divorces