Congrats on the weight loss, remember stress will do that too, so don't get carried away!

I would go to trial.

I would get the Lie Detector test done.

I would quit trying to make others pay for your mistakes. (Blackmailing OM for CS)

Your life is crazy right now. Someone has in thier signature: "You can choose the actions, but you can't choose the consequences."

Action: Have an Affair.
Consequence: An OC
Consequence: Can't work
Consequence: No Dollars in the house.

Action: Son has SF with GF
Consequence: She is a whack job
Consequence: Thousands in court costs.
Consequence: Possible Sex Offender registry.

Action: No Lie Detector test.
Consequence: The court system grinds away, and you can't afford it.
Consequence: If your son passes the test, MAYBE, the prosecuter drops the case...
Consequence: If your son DOESN'T pass the test, then you go for the Plea Bargain and close this chapter as quick as possible.

Action: No boundaries in the household
Consequence: A drug addict son, who refuses to help AT ALL around the house. At a most dire time in the families existence.
Consequence: Charges against the "good son"
Consequence: Kids who travel away from the home and don't want to come back.

Sorry, writer, when you stated you needed to hit up the OM for lawyer money, that just pushed me over the edge...

It was another desperate move, illogical and in keeping with the past. MB is about responsibility.

It would be a responsible act to file for the loan modification program. But you don't.

It may take a number of months to get approval, but the clock does NOT start until you apply. The bank DOES NOT want your house. But your family has to do the work to save it. I have seen this process be a life saver for several of my clients...

Your son might go to jail. You might lose the house. One of these actions you can proactively prevent. And one you could have if you spent $4-500 dollars.

But no.

I know that you are living on a shoe string. And its a SMALL SHOE. I have lived the same, the electric and the natural gas have been turned off on us when I was younger. But my brother and I delivered newspapers, and my sister worked at Burger King when she was 16. When we got our drivers licenses, out we went to other higher paying jobs.... And we gave the $$$ to my Mom to help out. Not all of it, but some. But it lightened her load...

BTW: Has you husband ever followed up on those anger management classes?

This all sucks for you. You don't have to live this way. You just have to claw your way out of these behaviors....to a better way of doing things. MB can help. Its NOT just about the marriage, really.

LG

It is no harder to sell a first novel than it is to sell a second novel. It is no harder now to sell a first novel than it was years ago.

It has to be good.

It does not have to be perfect.

It only has to be good.

After 50 drafts, it is either good or not. Send the queries. Send the MS. WHAT do you have to lose???

LG:

I probably can't answer all of this with a baby crawling on me, but I'll try to cover what I can.

Our attorney doesn't want us to do the lie detector (or verify the emails) because he is afraid that if any of the results come back negatively, we will lose our ability to plea bargain. He doesn't want to go to trial either, because if we lose, my son goes to prison and becomes a registered sex offender for sure. I don't want to go to trial either, because I just CAN'T come up with another $5000 without resorting to drastic means that no one seems to approve of.

I wish I could get my grown kids to want to leave the house and not come back. Not been a problem so far. All but one is currently living at home, and she would be here too if she hadn't gotten the job in Alaska.

My 16 year old "drug addict" son has been clean for 2 months now and is following the program he is on. He does the same chores around the house as the other kids. He always has. They have assigned chores (dishes, trash, yard work).

I agree with all of the consequences of my A. I take responsibility for that. I always have. But, as our financial woes continue to mount, I have had a difficult time accepting the fact that the OM doesn't have to suffer any of those consequences, even though his actions were exactly the same as mine. I'm sorry, but that pushes my "No Fair" button. Right or wrong, it does. He still has a job, he hasn't had to pay a penny for his actions. He hasn't even had to tell anyone that he actually created a child he decided to take no responsibility for. The long list of deadbeat dads in my life (my own included) has left me feeling very bitter about the fact that it always seems to be the women who end up paying for these types of mistakes, while the men just get to walk away.

We did apply for the mortgage modification. I thought I said that before. It just hasn't gone through yet.

No, my H hasn't followed up with the anger management. I'm not really pushing it right now because we really have too much going on right now, and sometimes, you just can't deal with everything at once. But there have been no further outbursts or problems. We will deal with it, but I just can't take on anymore right now. My H has his problems (don't we all) but he is a good person. Not perfect, but far better than most of the men in my life. He's still here. He gets up everyday at 4:30 a.m. and goes to a job he doesn't really like just to put food on the table. He tries everyday to be the best person that he can be. He may not succeed everyday, but neither do I. Right now, it's enough for me to know that he is trying.

Lousygolfer-excellent post, and it's clear you care because of the time you put into collecting your thoughts.
Writer, when I was younger, between the ages of 12 and 16, I was too young for a work permit, but my family was deperately poor.
I did so many things to help make money for the family. I raked the yards of my neighbors (didn't have a lawnmower). I did gardenwork for the old ladies on the block. I ran errands for people. Heck, I even mended clothing, like sewing on buttons for a quarter each.
The point is, I knew the family was in trouble, and I knew everyone needed to contribute. It's easy to say that your DS16 ws "bad" since the age of two, but honestly, it's time for some tough love. My DS9 is a PITA ..MOST of the time. But I don't let up or give up on demanding that he behave appropriately.
Now, I don't have a baby to care for, so I'm able to be more persistent and consistent, but now is the time for you to demand that he man-up on behalf of his family.
And back to LousyGolfer's comment--did your H ever follow through on that anger management or is that pot about to bubble over again? Come on, lady!! We're with you on this--trying to help you hold EVERYONE'S feet to the fire. You can't do this yourself--everyone has to chip in.
Let's get away from shoulda-coulda-woulda thinking and get to what we can do NOW. Get everyone to step up and man up.

Writer, I will congratulate you on the weight loss ONLY because I like you and because you need a happy moment. But on the inside I am insanely jealous and would like to hit you. Ha ha. Fine....I guess I'll have to go to Lane Bryant by myself.

Send that manuscript to everyone you can think of, even if you did forget to dot an i on page 237. Write a general query letter and tailor it to fit different places. And remember that Stephen King got about 50 rejections before he published, so if someone says no...it's their loss!

I feel for you about your kids. My brother and I were raised in the same household. I was the good girl who sang in church and did her chores. J drank and got sent home from church camp for vodka and sold drugs and had secret trysts on band trips with other guys. We were raised THE SAME....so I don't think anyone can say it was our parents' fault. Then again, I grew up, got married, and had an A 12 years later. THAT wasn't my parents' fault either.

Prior to July 21, 2010, you have been imperfect and made some bad choices. But starting today, things can get better. Nobody can change the past. And maybe nobody can take away the consequences of the past. But if you're like me, nothing good is going to come of taking out all of your failures and dissecting them either.

So eat the ice cream sundae, send off that novel, and make your kids do the laundry.

I'll be back later to take up an offering to go with that sermon...no cash, just chocolate,

I agree with all of the consequences of my A. I take responsibility for that. I always have. But, as our financial woes continue to mount, I have had a difficult time accepting the fact that the OM doesn't have to suffer any of those consequences, even though his actions were exactly the same as mine. I'm sorry, but that pushes my "No Fair" button. Right or wrong, it does. He still has a job, he hasn't had to pay a penny for his actions. He hasn't even had to tell anyone that he actually created a child he decided to take no responsibility for. The long list of deadbeat dads in my life (my own included) has left me feeling very bitter about the fact that it always seems to be the women who end up paying for these types of mistakes, while the men just get to walk away.


Hey, the woman do not have to pay for these kinds of mistakes IF they do not have affairs or IF when having an affair, (or having any kind of sex) they use proper birth control.

Who wanted the baby? Who failed to use birth control? Who failed to get an abortion?

Who wanted the baby? Before conception - neither. After, both for a time.

Who failed to use birth control: Both.

Who failed to get an abortion: I hardly think becoming a murderer would have made the situation any better.

Next time you have sex, use good birth control.

Writer:

Then send a letter to all of OM friends and family and TELL THEM what he did.

You should not suffer, and he skate.

He might just say he wants to see the child once a week and every other weekend. Are you ready for that?

Do you think that the anger management classes, had your husband started to go, would help, when some of the things that are coming up, start to hit? HE NEEDS TO DO THIS.

I would get the Lie detector test, or analyse the emails, and NOT reveal the results to the attorney, since he is so scared of them, but if they HELP exonerate your son, WHY NOT?

Many pleaa bargains are settled two days before the trial. Becasue the judge doesn't look kindly to a jury being called, and then having the legal teams state that there has been a "bargain"

If your son is innocent, then fight as much as you can. If he is innocent, he can get a job the next day after the trial and pay everyone back. Like HIS LAWYER at $500 a month.

Your Lawyer appears to be motivated by the lack of funds, and not by the lack of evidence.

I think a jury can look through the rantings of a spiteful young lady, and see a thoughtful young man. If this IS the case. Princess'es sometimes don't understand that people do not ALWAYS believe them....

LG

B4U: I thought I was being harsh, but this is a little over the top...

Well, considering the fact that I only plan on having sex with my H for the rest of my life, and he had a vasectomy 12 years ago, I think that's covered.

LG: OM lives 3000 miles away. I don't think he'll be able to see the baby once a week or every other weekend, unless he decides to move clear across the country.

We are going to look into the anger management as soon as possible. As I said, things have been going okay on that front.

We could do the lie detector test without our attorney's knowledge, but we can't have the emails analyzed. The computer has been in police custody for the past 4 months. We have no access to it. Our attorney would have to go through the court to get access to it, and there's no way to do that without the DA and the judge having access to the findings.

I'm planning on having my son pay back the attorney fees once this is over and he can get a job. We've already talked about it.

It's a juvenile case, so it would not be a jury trial. A single judge would decide his guilt or innocence, and the same judge would decide on his sentence if my son was found guilty. Juveniles do not have the same rights as adults under the law. I don't agree with that, but it is what it is.

Sorry. was harsh. It is an irritating issue for me, the failure of people to use BC and then accidently bringing innocent kids into the world.

It hurts everyone.

What about supermarkets?
Department stores?
Restaurants?
Local Govt?
Shipping?
Delivering Pizza's?

Pick up the paper and apply to every job in it until you land one. Stop waiting for an opening in that one narrow feild and take what you can get!

HELLO????

Your husband did not just walk away when you poped out someone else's kid did he?

From my point of view the person paying fore "This type of mistake" is your husband, NOT you.

So drop the victim routine.



Now,...
I missed it, what is the child actually accused of?
What do you believe are on these e-mails that "May" be evidence?
Is a lie detector admissible in this case?

Gack: In this thread, I have expressed many times that my H is the one paying for all of this when he shouldn't have to. I realize he is the real victim in this situation. That's what makes me angry. And I am completely grateful that my H didn't just walk away. He really is one of the few decent guys I've known in my life. I am thankful for that everyday.

As far as jobs go, the area where I live is fairly rural. Most of the jobs (when you can find anything at all) pay minimum wage. Unfortunately, the daycare centers charge more than minimum wage, so that doesn't work. My H has to drive 50+ miles to get to his job. That's what most people who live out here do. But it just doesn't work with both of us doing that. I don't have a car that would drive that far, not for more than a few weeks. Unemployment here is really bad. We've been on many of the national lists for worst job markets, worst housing market, slowest recovery.

I used to work nights and weekends, and it was very hard on our marriage. My H is already gone over 12 hours a day, so really, we only see each other for any length of time on the weekends. I don't want to take a job that would basically make it so that we never spend any time together. Solving our financial problems while destroying our marriage doesn't seem like a good solution. And even that type of job would be hard to find here. The economy is very depressed. Lots of stores here are simply going out of business. The ones that are still open aren't hiring.

My son has been accused of rape by a former girlfriend. She has 3 pages of IM's where he admits to raping her. My son claims he didn't write them. The DA has not analyzed the IM's, but is just taking the girl's word that they are real. My attorney feels that it is too much of a risk to have the IM's analyzed, because if they do turn out to be real, it would be very bad for our case. I know my son, and many of the IM's do not sound like him at all, but the attorney still doesn't want to take the chance. He's pretty confident that he can reach a plea bargain that will not send my son to prison and will not make him have to register as a sex offender. He believes that if we go to trial, our chances do not look good. In cases of rape, even without the emails, the judge simply has to believe the victim over the accused, and that is enough for a guilty verdict, even with no evidence. It is a huge gamble to go to trial, and my attorney isn't comfortable taking that sort of risk. Neither am I. And no, a lie detector test would not be admissible.

"The bank DOES NOT want your house. But your family has to do the work to save it." - per lousy golfer

Hi Writer,

Believe it or not I still don't know how to create the exclusive quotes, but anyway the above opinion is exactly correct. Also, I believe it is still possible to pay the interest portion only and not the principal portion for a specified period of time and with agreement of the lendor. Most mortgages have been sold and resold several times, especially the troubled ones, and in this economy the end deal creditor is usually willing to make a deal, within reason.

I don't have much in way of suggestions for you at this time. I just wanted to tell you that you have been getting tons of good advice here and you seem to be a little less desparate now than you seemed other day, even tho I know you are exasperated. One suggestion is that after my W taught 4th grade for 7 years and felt she needed to resign due to the stress, she got a contract to edit text book drafts at home. This was well before the Internet (back in late 70s) but I still think these positions are available.

I think the most important question right now is what does your son want to do. If he is age 18, he is the one who should be making this decision about his current situation, and the risks that may affect his future. He is old enough to vote, enlist, and put his life on the line in combat. I hear your love and concern about your son, but I think you need to step back and take this burden off your shoulders now, and with a comforting and advisory role as his mom, present the situation and the risks to your son (bench trial vs. bargain) and let him make his decision. I say that because if your attorney has advised you of Not going to trial, your son may really be guilty of the charges. I am not trying to dispute with you or get you down Writer, just trying to be realistic with you and to make sure you know I am concerned about your welfare.

Please relax, watch the batchlorette or some other silly program tonight to help you laugh, and then just get a good nites sleep. Prayers.

Tom

You have no family that can help?
You have no friends that can help?
There are no charities that can help?

If he did write them, make the plea bargain.

If he did not, take it to trial!

Just explain to him that if he DID write them and you go to trial, he will go to jail.

This is not necessarily true!

I believe it WILL end up being her son's word against the girls in the end. Writer, I understand your attorney NOT wanting to analyze the IMs because he can probably keep them out as hearsay. Otherwise, the DA would have to technically "prove" that they came from your son. I agree with your attorney about this. That's why I don't understand his unwillingness to take this to trial, what else is there in the way of evidence? Have you see the state's discovery?

Regardless, if son is convicted either through plea agreement or by finding of the court, I don't believe the punishment will be very harsh because he's a 1st time offender and basically a good kid. (Caveat: unless the Judge decides to "teach" Writer's son a lesson.)

Our attorney said that usually, in the case of a conviction, the judge goes along with the recommended punishment from the Probation department. In our case, that was 2 years in prison and 4 years probation, plus having to register as a sex offender. In other words, his life is over. Yes, it probably will be he said/she said. So, we have a 50/50 chance. That's a huge gamble to take with someone's life.

Our attorney thinks he can get a plea bargain that will probably involve some sort of jail/juvenile hall time (not prison). He said he is going to try for no more than 30-60 days, plus probation and community service. It's a juvenile case, so the records would be sealed. My son would not have a felony on his record and would not have to register as a sex offender.

Would I rather see him completely cleared of all charges and found innocent at a trial? Yes. YES! YES! YES! However, our attorney has many years experience in criminal law and I do not, so I'm going to trust that he has our best interests in mind. I would never forgive myself if we went to trial, lost, and my son's life was forever ruined.