**********EDIT******************

Stronger, I am really sorry you had to put up with this crap here. You should rightfully expect to be supported and helped, rather than chastised and condemned. I don't blame you for removing your post. I hope you will notify the mods the next time.

The next question i do have for y'all is how do i let my daughter talk about OW and yet let her know that i don't approve of that relationship. I know she is almost three but to me by sitting there and telling her "hunny glad you and OW had a good time..ect" i feel like that is letting her know that i accept this person. From everything i have read on this thread and on this website, books upon books, inorder to teach my DD right from wrong i should not accept her. I want to know how to it without distilling preconcieved notions into her head.

I had talked to my IC and he agrees she should know the truth as is appropriate for her age. He equated me not doing so as such...

if you tell you a child that a shot isn't going to hurt and when they recieved said shot and it does hurt. The child will most likely say .. mommy you said it won't hurt. He asked me what lesson would that teach her? I responsed that it is sometimes ok to not tell the truth.

Well i know that you should always tell the truth but my now question or issue is how do i let her talk about the OW but let her know that i do not like her or how ever you want to phrase it. By me sitting there and just listening i would feel like i am conveying the message to her that it is ok what they did and i have accepted it.

STB4, there isn't much you can teach a 3 year old about adultery. I don't think she would get it at this point. NOW, when I was introduced to my fathers adultery partner at age 4, I DID know it was wrong and found it very confusing that no adult would validate that instinct. I concluded I was a stupid girl because what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to other adults.

HOWEVER, your child has not been exposed to you and your H as a couple so she may not GET IT even at that age.

As her parent, you will be the best judge of her level of comprehension. In the meantime, I would not put on a big pretense for her and I think you did the right thing in telling her you don't like the OW. There is no reason to pretend.


The lesson that sends to the child, IMO, is that is ok to be dishonest and we both know its not.

Yes i agree that she doesn't fully comprehend relationships with adults and is at times confused. As i said the OW lives with my XH... her youngest son and that son's father. She has friends who have both parents home and understands that. She also understands that daddy doesn't live with mommy and that they have two seperate houses. She gets that. I am not at the least bit trying to educate her other than "daddy choose to live with OW and not us." I do not go into the details of when it happened or how it happened or anything inbetween.

I am just trying to learn how to balance this situation. I know there is a time and place that as she gets older she will ask the questions and more answers will be provided as her age allows. Just looking for tools on how to handle myself and what if anything i should say when she starts to talk about OW at this age... i am at a loss

Stronger - I think I "know" you - Let me see if I'm right, is it you that I once nicknamed "Esmerelda"? I may be totally wrong, and if so, just ignore me and please forgive me for being confused...If I am right though, could you drop me an email to the address in my signature?

And Stronger, sweetie, you are doing the very best you can in a very, very difficult situation - The fact that you are here asking what to do about this tells me what a good mama you are...

Mrs. W

Stronger,
I can see your dilemma and feel for you. I am somewhat in the same boat about my WWs OM and him being around my kids and them enjoying time with them (WW and OM) together. It actually hurts me deeply but alas there's not much I can do about it other than to voice how I feel about WW and her eelationship with OM. It's s difficult line to tow and at times leaves me feeling hurt and angry. My sitch is pretty common though as it pertains to custody and visitation. WW does no live with OM, although they do spend time together both at her home and his. In your case though I have a question.

If I'm reading your post correctly your XH and OW live with the father of OWs son. Is that right? If so, OMG! Not sure where you live but wouldn't that be frowned upon in the eyes of the law? Was this the situation when original custody and visitation schedule was agreed upon? I would absolutewly have serious issues with this situation and, if the option was available to me, would start proceedings to re-address the visitation schedule in court. Your 3 year old should not be exposed to this behavior period! I understand your original post was in regards to how much how do you tell your DD about the way you feel but IMO the living situation at XH place needs to be addressed in regards to exposing DD to this.

Is that correct? The OW's ex lives with them? I would be worried about the safety of your DD under these circumstances. How old is the OW son?

ITA. I see danger in this for your DD.

ok i knew this would be a source of contention and yes this has been addressed with both child services as well as with the family court. The OW son is 7 and yes his father lives with them last i knew. The court and child services have both stated there is nothing wrong with this as long as DD is not sleeping in the same room as the OW son or his father. They said there was nothing legally i could do. I contacted a lawyer and motion was made in family court and the judge said there was nothing i could do as long as DD was not sleeping in the same room. Trust me i had a FIT over this when i found out through the rumor mill. And it is aggrivating that i have tried the legal root as well as the child services root and since there is no "abuse" by their eyes going on there is no reason to change visitation.