And then it hit me -- my M is something we build together into which I place all that is beautiful about me and then we tend it and it grows.

Don't forget to plant the things that are beautiful about your BS also.

ML, I have had NC with OM. There is a wedding that we all must be at next month. What am I to do about that?

In any case, thanks for your responses...though I shouldn't muddy up SW board with my questions. I can't stand to dig up my own thread...but I will try to reply to other comments on my thread so that the focus here will be on SW's questions.

If you were serious about recovery you wouldn't be asking me that question, you would have already resolved the problem.

I have bumped your thread and also asked you a question.

Tell BH who OM is and do not attend the wedding.

Do we really have to point that out?

I am glad to hear you are taking this to your thread, because RM needs to get focused on HER marriage.

sigh...I thought about that. What is his (OM) problem flirting with me/etc., anyway, in his own friend's house? Then I thought that, maybe, I was misreading things...and I kept defending him as the innocent bystander. BUT, the vets told me not to focus on that...but to focus on fixing myself. That's what I am trying to do...though I suppose I am a bit "difficult".

Last night, my H just finished talking to a family member whose spouse is currently involved in a PA. [It's an epidemic!] At this point, She (the WS) is entirely unremorseful. My H was thinking how awful it must be to be *that* family member. He said that he loves me so much, we are all we have in the world, and that I should never leave him. Then, he asked, "Do you still want to cheat on me?" [He means PA. He doesn't consider EA cheating.] I told him "I never wanted to cheat on you. It was not about that." But, even in that little exchange, I see now that my H is "concerned"...and I hate that. I want to make that go away. I want him to recover and never look back...just forget I said anything about EA. But I see from a few posts here that recovery never ends. Like AA ?!@?! That's a scary thought.

They, the vets, have plenty to say to me right now about how I think I "get it"...but I don't. So, I am going to take some time now to just listen/read, "take out my cotton", workout some more, and consider why I'm not getting it.

Your fence sounds lovely.

[Sorry for the t/j, but it may apply to Saddest's case too]-- fullmoon, your husband may be more aware. Perhaps you are even more aware. That awareness is a burden. But in that awareness lies the chance to protect & strengthen your marriage. What would really be scary is if you weren't aware of how easily a marriage that's on auto-pilot can slip out of control, or how easily a misplaced confidence in someone outside the marriage can tear your life apart. Now that would be scary!

And "recovery never ends" is a weirdly negative way to spin it. Done right, recovery takes your marriage to places it's never been before. You don't want to go back to the way your relationship was before... you want it to be better than it was before. That should be your goal. If by "recovery ending" you mean that you want to have everything revert back to the way it was prior to your EA, then you're not understanding. Back then, you were less aware of the dangers, less aware of your & H's needs, less aware of the vulnerabilities that arise where needs aren't met on either side of a marriage. You knew less about how to protect yourself. As you can see from my latest post on your own thread, I still don't think you're as aware as you ought to be. But would you ever want to go back to your previous lack of awareness?

Ignorance is bliss only to the ignorant.

SuzieQ, you do know it is not me, SW, with the wedding issue, right? I am avoiding all places where there is the slightest chance I might run into OM like the plague for the foreseeable future because if I saw him, however innocently, I will have to tell my H and I know what the look on his face would be and I WILL NOT DO THAT TO HIM.

Fullmoon, I read your threads and other WW's because I want the wisdom of the posters there -- they've spent way too much time on me -- NOT to try to identify with other WW's. Yes it's painful, yes it sucks, yes we did it to ourselves which would actually be OK but the blast zone for an A goes way beyond us.

The reality is that all we WS's can do if we talk to each other is screw each other up worse. If we had a CLUE we wouldn't be here in the first place.

I'm not trying to be ugly at all -- but would you please post on your thread and not mine? I'm getting to be elderly and easily confused.....

{{{{{SW}}}}}

BTW, that's a hug, just in case you didn't know.

The fog is rolling out!!!

Saddest, I'm a "tool" guy, and I've gotta tell ya, man, that's beautiful. Don't be so all undivided-attention that you smash your thumb with a 5-lb. sledge, but do have a wonderful time together.

True story: This past year, right after Thanksgiving ('09), my wife and I repainted our living room. The immediate impetus was that (a) the previous owners had left the room a butt-ugly color that we had put up with for the entire 7 years since we'd moved in, and (b) we wanted the job done before Christmas, and so we had to get it done fast since I was scheduled for rotator-cuff surgery in early December. As it happened, it was the same time of year as I'd let my affair go totally out-of-control the previous year.

So we did everything over about 2 days -- the patching & spackling & sanding & masking & all of it. Being together for that time & having a common goal & agreeing on the color & listening to Christmas music and creating something beautiful in our home that we would enjoy together for the years to come, and creating a good memory for that time of year that belonged solely to us, was a wonderful time of healing & rebuilding for us.

Did I do it? I guess I'll see.

Now.... where are the moving emoticons that Mel uses on me because she knows I get so mad the top of my head feels like it's going to blow off.

BTW -- love the Piggly Wiggly stuff -- the South is the South and don't any of you all EVER forget it. Southerners know what I mean. We pity the rest of you -- really.

Cammo panties and bra? Check that one done. That's the kind of box I like to think out of... you are a genius -- can't wait for that night.

This is true. They can't help their yankeeselves...

I am picturing a very professional attorney, ready for bear in her next case (which she is sure to win). She has on a dark suit, pearls, and some intimdating and attractive pumps that go "click click" down the hall........and she has camo undies on? Now them New York City lawyers would NEVER be that cool!

SW,

I was beginning to wonder there SW. You are one stubborn cookie, but now that the fog appears to be clearing, you can use that to your advantage to get the M you deserve. Take it one day at a time. You're getting there.





Want2Stay

Luri,



Want2Stay

SadW, I was out of MB for about 24 hours and THIS happens? You are doing so great. Keep it up. Don't have anything to add except encouragement.

BTW, I want to clear something up. I AM A GIRL. ARGH, Why do people keep messing that up? I should write all my posts in pink now.

Yes, SW, I knew that wasn't you!

It definitely sounds like the fog is starting to clear. Keep it up!

SW,

Way to go! You are getting it. Your fence idea is perfect.

Last spring GM and I picked out a piece of pasture and had it plowed (I don't have a plow so we had to hire that done) and then proceeded to build a 2500 sq.ft. garden. It took us the better part of a month, it is very well done with t-posts every 4 feet and we put up the fence like we never wanted to deal with it again. It kept us from uncomfortable LB's while we worked on it and moved us forward just a bit. It is a great garden. Triggers me a bit since he fed his AP out of the small garden I did alone previously but it is a challenge now for me to learn to deal with them, there are so many. It won't hurt in the long run.

For valentines day a number of years ago GM gave me a chain saw and I gave him a ring. It is pretty funny when I think back on it because I am terrified of that stupid saw (I have used it though) and he lost the ring along with the wedding band that he refused to wear. Oh well, such was the state of our marriage then.

I agree with you on the tools Have fun building and planting. Enjoy each other.